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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not believe she's had a mc????

108 replies

ginmakesitallok · 18/04/2011 18:27

Some folk will be aware of back story. bit of it here

Anyway - DB phoned last week to say that his DP had had a mc. We were all at a family do this weekend - they were there too, staying overnight. All day Saturday she seemed fine, just her usual self. In the evening (just when the party was getting started and DB was starting to enjoy him self) she said she wasn't feeling well and they went back to their room. I went up to check on how she was (having had 3 mcs myself I know how bad things can be). She says she's got cramps and is bleeding heavily. I ask if she needs anything - does she need pads? She says she only has one left - but she'll be ok (??), I offer her some paracetemol, she says she's on codeine. I explain to DB that folk want to see him and offer to stay with his DP if he wants to go down to rejoin party. His DP then says shes fine and she'll come down. So they rejoin party and are up til wee small hours with us.

SO - why don't I believe her?

Who on earth comes away for the night, miscarrying and only brings 1 pad? Who on earth comes to an all day/night event when miscarrying in a light peach dress? When I was mcing I spent most of my time in the toilet and went through loads of pads etc - She hardly ever visited toilet and seemed to cope with the one pad she had. She was in early preg - about 7 weeks, yet told my Mum that when she'd mced she'd seen the baby with cord etc?? The preg came at a very convenient time for her and she told my Mum that now she'd mced she'd be able to get drunk and enjoy herself (??)

I just don't believe she was ever pregnant.
Would IBU to ask DB more?

OP posts:
Clytaemnestra · 18/04/2011 19:21

Sometimes blood clots can be linked together with what looks like a string or cord, maybe that is what she saw. Either way, hope she and her dp stay well away from you, you sound absolutely toxic.

Original poster
ginmakesitallok · 18/04/2011 19:22

Worraliberty - it's a LOT more than me simply not liking her, but that's another thread altogether.

Northern - point made, was perhaps unreasonable of me to ask DB to leave her - but I believed that she was (again) making up a drama to stop DB enjoying himself. If he or she had said "no - we're staying here" then I would happily have left it at that and told people that they'd have to see him another time. But they didn't - they quite happily returned to the party and both had a good time.

For those who say it's none of my concern - well I can't help worrying about my DB and his family. If it was the other way round I hope he'd be concerned about me too.

OP posts:
renlovesyou · 18/04/2011 20:03

Yes. I hope my brother tries to break up me and DP out of concern too.

Mammie81 · 18/04/2011 20:06

I dont think this is about a MC at all. It sounds more like you are looking for a reason to butt in because you disapprove of their relationship, and this happens to be it.

Northernlurker · 18/04/2011 20:16

Oh come on - they went back to the party because you hounded them out of the room. What the hell did you think you were doing telling db people wanted to see him? How did you think that would make them feel?

Jennytailia · 18/04/2011 20:21

If you have a gut feeling and given all the evidence you are probably right, so YANBU.

And of course you are going to wonder about it, you have been through it yourself so are probably struggling to find a reason why she would make up a horrid lie.

You probably don't want to ask anyone in RL incase you should like a bitch, so you have come on an anonymous board to ask other peoples opinions, what in gods name is wrong with that?

I should imagine it's playing on your mind OP, so why not ask people on here for help.

Sometimes I just don't understand where some of the flamings come from.

BertieBasset · 18/04/2011 20:22

I am really not keen on my SIL, I think she is manipulative and lies to my DB. I also think she is idle and a whole host of other things.

However, somehow I manage to keep my opinions to myself as I work on the basis DB is not a fool, knows his wife far better than me and for whatever reason has decided to marry her. He clearly adores her.

So it is hard when you think someone you care about is being taken advantage of, but unless your db asks for your opinion on the mc, which is unlikely and I would tread very carefully if he did, then you just have to support him and put his feelings above any you may have for his dp.

kalo12 · 18/04/2011 20:22

I had mc day before my wedding, wore a flimsy white dress, got pissed and danced about all day so its possible.

howdoyoueatyours · 18/04/2011 20:23

YABVU to suggest someone has lied about something so serious unless you are 100% certain. YWalsoBVU to ask your DB to return to the party when his DP possibly needed support.

backwardpossom · 18/04/2011 20:29

knew I'd get a flaming no matter how I posted this.

So you knew YABU then...

Hmm
Fernie3 · 18/04/2011 20:30

yabu i dont see any reason to think she is lying in what you have written. People have different experiences. I had a mc at 9 - 10 (she may have been slightly further on than she thought this happened to me with dd3s pg I was a month ahead of where i thought even though i was actively ttc!) and you def COULD see a baby small but it was clear what was happening. I also had very little bleeding after that no heavier than an average period.

StayFr0sty · 18/04/2011 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ginmakesitallok · 18/04/2011 20:39

I didn't hound them out of their room, I'm NOT trying to split them up, like Jennytalia said I came on an anoymous board because there is no way in real life I would say anything. I DO keep my opinions to myself, and I am not toxic (whatever that is!?)

Yes I knew I'd get a flaming, because I am a decent person and know that thinking someone would lie about having a mc is a terrible thing. But I honestly wanted to know whether or not I was being unreasonable thinking the way I was.

I would never suggest to DB (or God forbid SIL) that I thought she was lying - and I hope to God that she isn't - because it would destroy DB even more than this is already destroying him.

I'm not intending to get involved in this, I know that it's up to them to sort out - but it DOES affect me, because it affects my DB and I needed somewhere to get my head round it.

MN was a wonderful support to me through a number of hard times in my life - and I guess I thought it could help a bit with this. It has - thanks to all for your input.

OP posts:
mummytime · 18/04/2011 20:42

The only mc I had wasn't that painful. Its started at a family party, and I don't think anyone knows except my DH. I was also not emotionally traumatised, DH was more upset than me.

You really can't expect others to be the same as you.

Original poster
ginmakesitallok · 18/04/2011 20:44

I've asked for this thread to be deleted.

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 18/04/2011 20:45

ren??

Northernlurker · 18/04/2011 20:46

Rule of thumb - if you wouldn't say it to their faces then don't expect it to get a good reaction behind their backs!

AgentZigzag · 18/04/2011 20:51

I took from the other thread that the OP knows full well she is being unreasonable, but that doesn't stop her from feeling the way she does.

About half the posts on AIBU are from posters who know they're unreasonable, so it's hardly an argument not to post.

She can't seem to help herself being protective over her, how she see's it, vulnerable twin brother.

I also think she shouldn't be so embroiled in her brothers family life, but by the sound of it, what she posts on here are her private thoughts which she doesn't share with anyone but her mum (who feels the same).

It is a bit strange to be so concerned about the baby being there and equally concerned with it not, but I've not met a person yet who hasn't been hypocritical or in conflict about something at some time in their life.

blondebutonlyfaking · 18/04/2011 20:51

I have had MCs.

By the end of a week the bleeding had basically settled - with the earlier ones anyway.

Maybe she didn't want to discuss it with you because she doesn't feel close enough to you - I had 2 SIL and no way on God's earth would I have confided in either of them.

and if they had shoved their way into a room where I was trying to get support from my DH and said "people are looking to see you DH and they've come a long way blah blah" I would have put a smile on and gone with him, so that I could be with my partner for support, rather than on my own in an environment where I knew people didn't like me. And I wouldn't have wanted you to stay with me if you were my SIL I'd have rather you just fucked off and left me alone.

You Are Being UnReasonable.

And you're not being fair to ask for the thread to be deleted just because you don't like what you've been told.

Summerbird73 · 18/04/2011 20:56

good god yes you are being bloody unreasonable. yes get this odious thread deleted - and get a life

Original poster
ginmakesitallok · 18/04/2011 20:58

No - I'm asking for thread to be deleted because as someone pointed out above if SIL ever read it it would be terrible.

OP posts:
Georgimama · 18/04/2011 21:01

My first miscarriage at about six weeks started on Christmas Eve. Because I had a nearly 2 year old son and an equally devastated husband and we had to cope there are pictures of me taken the following day, grinning like the Cheshire cat that got the cream while DS opened his presents. I was howling inside.

The second one was also at about 6 weeks and I only took 2 days off work, and that was because I didn't want to face people being nice to me rather than pain or overly heavy bleeding. I also saw what looked to me like cord - bits of grey fibrous tissue. No idea what it really was.

You sound vile by the way.

berylmuspratt · 18/04/2011 21:04

I had a mc at 7 weeks last year, it started off as very light bleeding and then the next day or so was like a very heavy period :( I really sympathise with the poor woman.

Clytaemnestra · 18/04/2011 21:05

So, how did you put it to your brother that you wanted him to go off and enjoy the party? "Hey bro, sorry your baby is dead, but great auntie prim really wants to see you"

cunexttuesonline · 18/04/2011 21:05

It all sounds like a mess, whether she is lying or not. So you should just feel sorry for them. I understand you feel worried for your brother, but no good could come from asking him more about it!