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People invited to my wedding...

101 replies

Karbea · 17/04/2011 22:02

My mum is a middle child she has an older and younger sister.

I am getting married for the 2nd time in a few weeks time.

We are getting married in a registry office and can only invite 40 people Inc us. We decided not to invite kids as most of our friends have one or two children. My younger aunty has a daughter who is 10.
We sat down with my parents and agreed that we would invite friends and only mums and dads and brothers.
Anyway since then my mum has been thinking of ways that my cousin can be invited, flower girl, only invite my aunt, uncle and cousin etc. We invited them to the eve where there is no restriction on no's.
My mum normally talks to my aunt or uncle everyday, but since I sent out my invites she hasn't heard from them. Everyone has replied except a few lesser close friends and my aunties.
I spoke to my mum earlier and I asked her what she and my dad were doing at esater, she said that one thing she will do is make piece with my aunts, and make it clear to them that it isn't her fault they aren't invited ato the day, explain she had said my cousin could be a flower girl etc. I said well I hope you aren't going to blame it on me, she said she doesn't know what to say or something like that, so I said well only 40 people will be allowed, can't invite her coz of the president it would set, not practical to have kids in central London etc.
My mum just can't see it, she said she doesn't want to fall out with me or her, but evrytime I talk to her I burst into tears as soon as I put the phone down, my OH and I have only argued about my mum etc.

What should I do, I feel totally at a loss.

I think my mum is being unreasonable, they are rude to not reply, even if it was to say can't come as can't get a baby sitter, or too far to come just for the eve or something....

I'm so upset. What should I do?


OP posts:

YellowDinosaur · 17/04/2011 22:22

I think that your mum is in a difficult position but at the end of the day it is your wedding and as your mum she should be supporting you.

If she has been promising that your cousin could be a flower girl that is her problem to sort out. It also sounds like she has told them they can come to the wedding and is now in an awkward position as a result and they are probably offended as they feel as though they have been uninvited. Your mum needs to know that if she has put you in this position she needs to sort it out.

Its not easy for your mum and I have to say I'd be pretty devastated if my sons got married and didn't want my sister (who I am very close to) to come but I'd support them if that was their wish. Having a wedding where immediate family and close friends only are invited isn't so unusual.

Maybe if you can't trust your mum to sort this out it might be worth you calling your aunts and explaining the situation to them yourself.


squeakytoy · 17/04/2011 22:33

I would have thought that family would take precedent over friends at the registry office to be honest.


crystalglasses · 17/04/2011 22:36

People would understand if you only invited your young cousin, as she is family.


squeakytoy · 17/04/2011 22:37

I would also say family children are invited only. Its your wedding and you can set the rules, but family should really come first in my view.


YellowDinosaur · 17/04/2011 22:40

squeakytoy why should family take preference to friends? It is totally up to the op.

My mum is one of 5 and my dad 1 of 3. Plus one grandparent still alive and I am one of 3. So even without inviting cousins I'd be up to 19 even without considering dh's side. Why should my family get half the invites in the ops situation? Clearly you can't invite some family and not others.

The OP might not even be that close to her extended family. Or they might be a pain in the arse with loads of interfamily quarrelling etc. Or any number of different situations you are not aware of.

I do get on with my extended family but in the ops situation, with the restrictions on venue size, I'd invite mum and dad, my brother and sister and their partners, my gran and close friends too.


Karbea · 17/04/2011 22:40

The problem is we are three week from the wedding now, so we can't uninvite people, my aunts or my OH aunts are not invited to the day, we can't change this now as we'd be over the 40 people, so we can't really go back on that decision without cancelling the day.

OP posts:

Tryharder · 17/04/2011 22:41

I think it's a bit strange that you havent invited your aunties tbh especially as they are close to your mum. I can see why your mum is upset.


YellowDinosaur · 17/04/2011 22:42

crystal the young cousin can't be invited as the aunt isn't invited either (to the3 daytime do anyway) - assuming I have understood the op


ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 17/04/2011 22:43

Depends on the family. My mum has 3 siblings, one of whom I'm close to. The others I see about once a year at christmas. Their children, all adults, 3 of whom have children of their own I haven't seen in years. I'm closer to and see more of most of my friends, so my friends would come before that part of my family.

OP if your mum has being making promises she shouldn't have been then it's her problem to sort out. Stick to your guns. YellowDinosaur's idea of speaking to themselves yourself is a good one.

Weddings are the only event I've come across where people seem to think they have to right to dictate how things should be, including, but not necessarily restricted to, the guest list Hmm


Karbea · 17/04/2011 22:44

At Christmas I saw this particular aunty for the first time in 2 and a half years, I know my mum is close to her, but I'm not really, ideally if we had a big wedding, then yes we'd invite lots of people but. But I see and talk to my friends everyday, as does my OH.
I don't live close to my aunts etc, I have never even met my older aunties grandchildren ie my cousins kids etc...

OP posts:

Karbea · 17/04/2011 22:48

I have invited my aunts/uncles and OH's to the eve so it's not as if we have totally excluded them.

I have never really phoned my aunt, and definitely not in at least 18minths, I wouldn't even know how to start the convo, it's not as if they've replied and told me there is an issue.

Arghhhhhhh maybe, I just let my mum sort it the way she wants, and if it's easier for me to be made out to be the bad person, then maybe that's the easiest thing to do...

OP posts:

SmartyHan · 17/04/2011 22:48


Its obvious your Mother does not agree with this child free wedding. But she should keep her opinions to herself and not allow your aunts to know that she is on their side. The Aunts are probably hoping that your mother can persuade you to change your mind before the wedding. But it is very rude not to respond to an invitation.

BTW, I really don't understand this whole 'family should be above friends etc' stuff, yes blood is thcker then water. But you choose your friends, these are the people (if you are like me) that you are probably closest too.

Why should you have to invite people who you probably have not seen since you were a child and can't stand? Just because you have some DNA in common? Sorry that was me going off at a tangent! Blush


Pancakeflipper · 17/04/2011 22:48

I have answered this once earlier tonight. Same text but with a different title....


Karbea · 17/04/2011 22:50

pancake.. thank yes I've read your reply on the other post, wasn't sure where was the best place to put it...

OP posts:

BabyDubsEverywhere · 17/04/2011 22:57

OP if it makes you feel any better, when DH and i married it was me, him, all our friends and no family! Except for those in the 'friends' group (one of my sisters and an adult niece) We couldnt trust our parents to not take the chance to silently create an atmosphere (both sides divorced) so we decided to sod them all and not invite them. Loads of happy memories would do it again in a heart beat.

My family did moan but they did not combust, we are all here to tell the tale.

I hope you can enjoy your day op Smile


KatyH · 17/04/2011 23:13

Hi Karbea,

we did exactly the same at our wedding. 40 people - this consisted of our parents, siblings and friends, no aunts/uncles or children. I have hundreds of aunts and uncles and we got some comments about them not being invited but, quite honestly, they are not a big part of my life anyway so I didn't care if they were upset. Do you really care?

The only problem we had with our wedding was one friend who refused to come because her ds wasn't invited (her XP let her down on the childcare front). I managed to pull out all of the stops and get the hotel to agree to add her son (despite the fact it breached fire regs!) but she told me in an exasperated tone that it was too late (about a week before the wedding!)

After that I thought, fuck it. You can't please all of the people all of the time. Just stick to your guns and enjoy the day. We had a lovely relaxed day with all the people that we are close to and I'm sure the aunts/uncles/friend rarely give it a thought. Probably too busy moaning about something else now!


hairfullofsnakes · 18/04/2011 05:43

You haven't done anything wrong and they are being very rude!


thumbbunny · 18/04/2011 06:02

God, family politics and weddings! My mum desperately felt that it was vital that both her cousins from one family were invited, for political reasons - I refused to have the female at my wedding because of her loathsome behaviour (waaaay too long a story to go into). Mum tried at least 4 times to change my mind but it wasn't going to happen - she was worried that the cousin would "take it out on" her. As it happened, Mum didn't even make it to my wedding but that's another story entirely. I stuck to my guns - I wasn't having someone there who made other people's lives (including my mum's) miserable.

In your scenario, your mum is at fault if she has been promising her niece things you can't deliver and she should apologise for offering false hope to your cousin.

If you had invited your aunt as well to the ceremony I would have suggested this, which is what we did with my nieces (restriction in the reg office too) - I had no children at my wedding either but my sister wanted her DDs to be in the photos, so they came to the reg office with my sis and her DP, and then her DP stayed outside with them until the photos. Win-win situation.

I hope you get something sorted - but it sounds horrendous. :(


onceamai · 18/04/2011 07:37

If I was your aunt I wouldn't be speaking to you I'm afraid. You have been breathtakingly discourteous. Your aunts should have been invited to the wedding ceremony. The friends should have been invited to the unlimited evening do. Not wanting children at the ceremony I can understand; inviting your parents' brothers but not sisters Shock I'm not surprised your mother is upset as indeed will be your aunts. Surely you realised this was wrong and rude at the planning stage.


goodbyemrschips · 18/04/2011 07:46

In my world my family would come before friends, but I know that is not the case in some families.

not practical to have kids in central London etc

This did make me laugh though is central London like the place in Chitty chitty bang bang?


kaj32 · 18/04/2011 07:53

Onceami, i think the OP meant they've invited hers and her partners brothers not their uncles.

OP we kept our wedding small and didn't invite any of my aunts and uncles on my side of the family because half of them are scum bags and my dads family caused a massive argument at my grandfathers funeral. My parents understood although if i did find people complaining i dealt with them myself.

Your wedding, your rules.


oohlaalaa · 18/04/2011 07:57

If I had a small wedding, I'd still invite my aunts and uncles, as personally they take priority over friends. However, all family dynamics are different, and I could understand that some people would prefer friends who they speak to and see more regularly than family members.

If I was said aunt or uncle, I would not complain openly, and still turn up for evening do with a nice prezzie. I cant help being polite, it is my upbringing. My mum was not invited to her nieces daughter's christening, as they were having just immediate family and godparents (about 15 people). She still posted them a card and present.

I'm not inviting children to my wedding, but if anyone telephones with issues with babysitting, then children are welcome to join us.


oohlaalaa · 18/04/2011 08:02

I should add, I see aunt and uncle cousins at least every other month, as we're a close family, and all live locally. One of my cousins is same age and we socialise together, have same group of friends, and I consider her one of best friends..

If you see yours less than once a year, I understand.


mrz · 18/04/2011 08:11

When I got married my mum said I hope you don't feel you need to invite people just because they are related. It's your day and you want people who are important to you there ... and she (and my dad) was paying for the wedding!


spongefingerssavedmylife · 18/04/2011 08:13

OP - it's your wedding, you need to phone and speak to your aunts to clear the situation. I totally understand why your mother would have expected you to invite your aunts, she has probably been happily discussing the wedding with them since announced (or even before) and now in a v difficult and sad situation.
Your aunts should have replied though.

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