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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People invited to my wedding...

101 replies

Karbea · 17/04/2011 22:02

My mum is a middle child she has an older and younger sister.

I am getting married for the 2nd time in a few weeks time.

We are getting married in a registry office and can only invite 40 people Inc us. We decided not to invite kids as most of our friends have one or two children. My younger aunty has a daughter who is 10.
We sat down with my parents and agreed that we would invite friends and only mums and dads and brothers.
Anyway since then my mum has been thinking of ways that my cousin can be invited, flower girl, only invite my aunt, uncle and cousin etc. We invited them to the eve where there is no restriction on no's.
My mum normally talks to my aunt or uncle everyday, but since I sent out my invites she hasn't heard from them. Everyone has replied except a few lesser close friends and my aunties.
I spoke to my mum earlier and I asked her what she and my dad were doing at esater, she said that one thing she will do is make piece with my aunts, and make it clear to them that it isn't her fault they aren't invited ato the day, explain she had said my cousin could be a flower girl etc. I said well I hope you aren't going to blame it on me, she said she doesn't know what to say or something like that, so I said well only 40 people will be allowed, can't invite her coz of the president it would set, not practical to have kids in central London etc.
My mum just can't see it, she said she doesn't want to fall out with me or her, but evrytime I talk to her I burst into tears as soon as I put the phone down, my OH and I have only argued about my mum etc.

What should I do, I feel totally at a loss.

I think my mum is being unreasonable, they are rude to not reply, even if it was to say can't come as can't get a baby sitter, or too far to come just for the eve or something....

I'm so upset. What should I do?

Xx

OP posts:
KaraStarbuckThrace · 18/04/2011 08:15

I also am very Hmm at family taking precedent over family.
Half my family and DH's family we haven't seen for years, my friends who I invited have known and supported the relationship since DH and I first met - so for us it was important for them to be there.
We did invite some aunties and uncles, in fact we changed the date of the wedding to ensure my mum's middle brother and his wife could make it (as he is also my Godfather and very close to my mum). I even invited my mum's eldest brother's widow despite the fact my mum can't stand her and she was a complete cowbag to me when I was a kid! But we could do this because we weren't quite as restricted on number's as the OP. Luckily nasty aunt declined to come Grin
Oh and I was rather annoyed at my Dad wanting to invite some friends of his who I had never met because they would like to see me get married Hmm I pointed out that I would have to deinvite very close friends to accommodate them so the answer was no!
But there were various other aunts, uncles and cousins we didn't invite because it would have meant some of our friends not being able to come and I feel absolutely no guilt over it.
OP - your mum has been totally out of order, it is YOUR wedding and not hers and she had no right to promise your cousin could be a flower girl, especially if you had no plans for flower girls! Think you need to remind your mum it is your wedding and she should have to explain to your aunts why your cousin won't be a flower girl.

MigratingCoconuts · 18/04/2011 08:21

you have my sympathy! Its your wedding and your decision, no-one has a right to tell you this is wrong.

Sounds like you will have to ride out any ill feeling though. and there really is nothing you can say until they publicly moan about it.

Do you need a reply from them for catering? In which case, I would send a polite email saying this...and if they still don't reply, send another saying that you will be assuming they won't be coming unless you hear from them.

mummytime · 18/04/2011 08:25

As they haven't replied to the invitation you have the perfect reason to phone them. Phone to ask if they are coming or not, then if necessarily as nicely as you can explain that you have only room for 40 people, and you can imagine they can understand how quickly that fills up, how you would have loved to invited all your friends and family, but it just hasn't been possible. If she mentions the flower girl thing, say sorry but your mum must have misunderstood.

I hope you have a lovely day!

Megatron · 18/04/2011 08:26

YANBU. I find it puzzling that people can assume that all families have wonderful relationships and should be invited to everything at all costs. There was no way on this earth I would have invited my fathers sister to our wedding. She tried to make my mums life miserable for years, was never pleasant to me or my sister and called me a 'slut' for getting a divorce from my first husband. Why would I invite someone like that over a friend who has been there for me for 20 years? That's ridiculous and hypocritical IMO.

thumbbunny · 18/04/2011 08:39

Can I just ask - did you have a big wedding the first time around? were all your family invited to that one? Just checking that they didn't miss out the first time...

Meow75 · 18/04/2011 08:43

mrz,

Do you think your parents could run classes - "How to behave when your children are grown-ups"

There could be weekly themes, although wedding planning and The Big Day would take up about 6 lectures at least!!!

OP, as has already been said, if your mum has said something she shouldn't have to her sister then it is her job to sort that out, but I also agree that at this late stage, you would not be out of order to give your aunt a phone call

"Hello auntie, OP here. we're just finalising things for our wedding on the (insert date), and I notice you've not sent an RSVP. Can you attend?" keep it business like but friendly as she is someone you don't have a massive amount of contact with. Chances are, unless she's a complete harridan, she'll be too polite to say anything other than yes or no to your outright question.

Good luck, but don't dwell on it - 'tis your wedding, your decision. When your aunt has a party for something, SHE gets to decide who to invite; if she lets other things like family politics get in the way then that's her problem and she's a fool.

Penelope1980 · 18/04/2011 08:49

When I got married it was a similar deal, but only allowed 20 people so no aunts, uncles or cousins were there at all. One Aunt and cousin in particular got really upset and offended, and I felt rotten, whereas other aunts were fine and still gave me their blessing. Now 4 years has passed I realise how petty that aunt and cousin were - at the time I was upset, but since then they've both proven themselves to be petty in other ways as well and I am glad I didn't crumble and invite them.

BikeRunSki · 18/04/2011 08:50

We had this trouble too, I have a huge family and lots of friends (1 of 4, went to uni 3 times....). Register office limit was 40, which is pretty much our immediate families and close friends. We invited people we liked; the drew the line at cousins as neither DH or I are close to any. We had to draw up some "blanket" rules. We had 40 people in the register office and 70 at the do after. As the buildings were only about 100m apart, everybody just crammed into the town hall, up the stairs, on the steps etc and the registrar kept the door open so evryoen could hear. She was very cool about it, it was faboulous.

We invited all our friends' children as we had met very few, and none of them bought them. We also refused to invite partners we did not know, as long as that person would know other people there.

Mum only made us invite 2 people - her aunts - but promised that only 1 of them would come as they dislike each other. The race was on for one of them to get a son to drive her up north, and mum was right, only one of them came. The other declined within half a day of the other accepting.

As a child (about 9 or 10) I went to my Godfather's otherwise childless wedding. I don't think anyone minded, they realised that I had a special status, especially in connection with religious ceremonies. I think you shoudl invite your ten year old cousin; apart from anything else, she will probably love it.

Megatron · 18/04/2011 08:53

It's always a mystery to me how many people seem to have an expectation to be invited to everything in a family, no matter what the relationship is. My MIL was horrified that she wasn't invited to her neice's wedding, despite the fact she hadn't seen or spoken to the woman for 12 years. Confused

Hammy02 · 18/04/2011 08:53

I don't see how someone would want to be invited to a wedding knowing full well that they weren't really wanted there. I also think the inviting family before friends is ridiculous. I have friends I see every week and family I see every 5 years so I would be bonkers to invite the rarely seen friends ahead of regularly seen friends.

bubblecoral · 18/04/2011 08:54

It's too late for you to do anything other than stick to your guns now. Your aunt should be taking it graciously if she had any manners, although I can understand why she would be dissapointed and feel snubbed. If she and your Mum are close, she was probably a big part of your life while you were a child, and while you may have forgotten that, you Mum and your Aunt probably haven't.

You need to be honest though and say that you only wanted to invite people that you are close to. Using numbers is a fairly crap excuse, as you knew who you wanted to invite when you chose the venue. If you had wanted to invite them, presumably you would have counted them in the numbers, then looked at venues that could hod the right amount of people. Otherwise it's like saying that the place is more important that the people.

Megatron · 18/04/2011 08:56

It may not be about the venue bubble, but pehaps about the cost. Cost was a huge factor for us when we got hitched.

Groovee · 18/04/2011 09:08

My wedding was full of relatives and friends who I had no idea who they were. If I was to go back I'd be ensuring that it was me and dh and our close friends in a small ceremony than the people I'd next see at probably my dad's funeral.

thumbbunny · 18/04/2011 10:01

It's not always about "venue" - it's also if you get married in a registry office, they have limitation on numbers. Not everyone can afford to hire a licensed place to get married AND have a reception there - lots of people need to go to a reg office for the actual ceremony. We could only have 50 at ours because of this.

Original poster
Karbea · 18/04/2011 10:34

Thank you everyone. It's really good to get a mix of views.
I guess all I can really do now is stick with what OH and I decided. we did talk over various scenarios with my parents when we were organising who and when, but in my family situation, I am not close to my aunties.
I'm up to here! with the wedding tbh, it's my 2nd one at at the moment I wish i'd never said yes, i love my OH to bits, but I just feel really unhappy at the moment and I sort of think it should be the happiest time of my life. My mum does frequently emotionally manipulate me, and "yes" perhaps I should put family before friends etc, but with on 40 people inc me and OH and photographers that would be 18 people each, if I included my aunts and uncles and cousins and children that would be 23 people, the most recent of whom I saw at Christmas, some of whom I've never met, and you can't invite some without others as that's not fair - so I'd be over numbers, plus not inviting friends who I see every week and talk to every day.
Re London and children - I have been told this by family members who have replied and aren't coming to the eve, I've also been told there is no whereto park in central London!!!

Thanks again xx

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 18/04/2011 10:37

at the moment I wish i'd never said yes, i love my OH to bits, but I just feel really unhappy at the moment and I sort of think it should be the happiest time of my life

ahhh! the myth of weddings Wink...its not so much about the wedding but about the marriage. Just try to enjoy it as much as possible and keep an eye on the bigger picture.

Original poster
Karbea · 18/04/2011 10:42

thumbunny Yes they were invited to my first wedding, which was a big country house affair, we over compensated for children with bouncy castles, entertainers, creche etc.
OH and I wanted something really different to our first weddings.
Part of the reason why we didn't invite my aunt to the day was my mum siad that my aunt wouldn't come if my cousin wasn't invited, we couldn't invite my cousin as my OH has a twin Brother and he has 2 children so if Cousin had come then at least nephews should have come and so it would have gone on. SO we agreed wih my parents we'd invite Aunt, Uncle to eve and cousin could come in eve if she liked as no one would be too bothred etc about that...

Urghhhhhh

OP posts:
mrz · 18/04/2011 10:44

It's your day and other people have had or will have theirs to do as they wish!

(My MIL had promised her step niece would be my bridesmaid so her step brother boycotted my wedding when I said no children)

Hammy02 · 18/04/2011 10:54

mrz that sounds awful for you. I bet MIL felt awful?

mrz · 18/04/2011 10:55

that was the odd thing ... it didn't bother her that they stayed away "because they weren't close" (her words)

muminthemiddle · 18/04/2011 11:05

At first I thought you were being unreasonable. However after re-reading your post I see that it is your 2nd wedding and therefore I think perfectly acceptable to have a scaled down affair. Not that you can't have a small wedding first time around either!!!

It's your wedding so invite who you like, though I am always a bit puzzled by this no children rule. It can offend people.

MigratingCoconuts · 18/04/2011 11:07

I'm not, it can easily double the size of a wedding...

Northernlurker · 18/04/2011 11:17

You haven't invited your nephews either? Tbh I'm surprised anybody is still speaking to you.

So 40 guests - you and oh = 2. Parents = 4. 1 sibling each plus spouse = 4.
Nephews = 2. Thats 12. Leaving 28 other guests.
Your mum has two sisters plus spouses plus neice - 5. Presumably dh has what two uncles? so another 4. You could have invited all your family and still had 19 friends at the ceremony.

I do not buy into all this 'it's your day' bullshit. We all live as part of a community. Children and relatives are part of that community. A dynamic where we reject our own blood in favour of those we go shopping and get pissed with (because I refuse to believe you have 19+ close friends) is deeply troubling.

Too late to fix it now though - but I would try and do something about the nephews at least. There is a huge difference between family children and all children.

GnomeDePlume · 18/04/2011 11:23

Hmmm... it sounds to me like your Mum has made promises which she now wants you to keep. Mummytime's advice is about perfect I think.

Your Mum had no business interfering as she has done and making silly promises.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 18/04/2011 11:29

It's the OP's second wedding
She had a huge first wedding with all aunts, uncles, cousins etc
This is a small registry office do with the people they actually see regularly
She's still invited parents and siblings
All the extended family including children are invited to the evening do

All those saying she should invite people she hasn't seen in 2 years because they're family at the expense of friends she sees every day, get a grip.