People invited to my wedding...

[Karbea]

My mum is a middle child she has an older and younger sister.

I am getting married for the 2nd time in a few weeks time.

We are getting married in a registry office and can only invite 40 people Inc us. We decided not to invite kids as most of our friends have one or two children. My younger aunty has a daughter who is 10.
We sat down with my parents and agreed that we would invite friends and only mums and dads and brothers.
Anyway since then my mum has been thinking of ways that my cousin can be invited, flower girl, only invite my aunt, uncle and cousin etc. We invited them to the eve where there is no restriction on no's.
My mum normally talks to my aunt or uncle everyday, but since I sent out my invites she hasn't heard from them. Everyone has replied except a few lesser close friends and my aunties.
I spoke to my mum earlier and I asked her what she and my dad were doing at esater, she said that one thing she will do is make piece with my aunts, and make it clear to them that it isn't her fault they aren't invited ato the day, explain she had said my cousin could be a flower girl etc. I said well I hope you aren't going to blame it on me, she said she doesn't know what to say or something like that, so I said well only 40 people will be allowed, can't invite her coz of the president it would set, not practical to have kids in central London etc.
My mum just can't see it, she said she doesn't want to fall out with me or her, but evrytime I talk to her I burst into tears as soon as I put the phone down, my OH and I have only argued about my mum etc.

What should I do, I feel totally at a loss.

I think my mum is being unreasonable, they are rude to not reply, even if it was to say can't come as can't get a baby sitter, or too far to come just for the eve or something....

I'm so upset. What should I do?

Xx

I had 60 guests

Me and OH = 2
Parents = 4
My aunt & uncle =2
My OH uncle 3 cousins plus OH = 5
OH step uncle (who was his Best Man) =1
Friends = 46

We had a lovely day with people we wanted to share our day with not with people we felt obliged to invite because of an accident of birth connection.
Don't feel guilty OP it's your day!

I'm with narky annd mrz on this one...Northern, you are over reacting.

40 guests in central London plus a big evening do is NOT small. My sister got married last year. Bride and Groom, Groom's brother and wife, dh and I, our parents, 2 grandmothers and a great uncle, sister's best friend, Grooms three dcs and partners, registry office followed by lunch. That's smallish. Small is bride and groom and witnesses only.

So you really think your special day should be spent with people who are virtual strangers but share the same genes somewhere down the line rather than with people whose company you regularly enjoy?

When we talked about getting married we decided we'd invite our parents, siblings and my grandparents (his are not with us anymore) and our closest friends. We only want a small low key wedding in a registry office in a quick but intimate ceremony. My daughter of course would be there but she would be the only child and tbh that's how I would prefer it. I seen my friends wedding video where they had 10 kids under 13 there and it was a nightmare!

I don't think you are being unreasonable really. It is your day after all. If your hubby to be is happy with it then why should you change your mind? You can't please them all as they say.

luckily, Northern, its not your wedding! Nor is it anyone's but Karbea's and her DP..

How weird, all these people expecting to get an invite to a wedding just because they're related.

Children and relatives are only part of a community if they have made an effort to actually belong to it. If they hardly ever see you, then really, why do they automatically deserve an invite?

Mrz - my family aren't strangers to me. I may not see all of them very often but we share a history. We belong together as a tribe I think it's desperately sad that others don't feel this. If you are having a genuinely small wedding (see below) then yes you don't invite everybody. The op's is not a small wedding and she has chosen to rank a LARGE number of friends above her family. Of course people are pissed off. I'm unimpressed by this and I'm not even related to her - I can see how her aunt feels.

maybe if the auntie made more of an effort in the day to day...things would be different!

My DH has just got back from a family wedding where they limited how many from each branch could go. It was his cousin's wedding and I stayed at home with DC and had a fab weekend with them.

His family is HUGE and I have never really met them...it made total sense to me.

I can see that you might invite friends ahead of family if they are distant relatives that you hardly ever see, but your OP says that your mum used to speak to her sister every day. Clearly they are very close. I am close to my sister (although don't speak to her quite that often!) and am trying to imagine how I would feel if I got an evening-only invite to her daughter's wedding. I think I would be very hurt and disappointed.

I can understand how upset your mum is really. It's all very well people saying you should do whatever you like and everyone should just be delighted for you, but real life just isn't like that. These people are genuinely upset and offended, they're not trying to ruin your day.

Can you do some damage limitation? Have you had any declines that might free up some space for these people?

At the risk of a hefty bout of flaming, I do think that part of organising a wedding is making it a nice day for your guests and doing what you can not to cause offence, within reason. I think it would have been reasonable in this instance to recognise that your mum is close to her siblings and therefore inviting them would be nice for her and would avoid family conflict.

NorthernLurker
My mum has 2 sisters and they have husbands, One sister has a small child, the other sister has 2 children both married, both have two children, one of these children lives with her b/f.
My dad has a brother, who is married with 2 children both have partners one has a child.
My OH has 3 bro/sis on his mums side all with H and children, and on his dads side one sister.
We also have to count the photographer and assistant in the 40.
I do live in a community, but I wouldn't say all of these relatives are part of it my than our friends.

Gnome.. yes I think I will take Mummy... advice, although I'll probably just drop them a FB msg as I don't even know one of their tel no's and the other one (one with the young cousin) I could find her number by googling the name of her shop...

Thanks again xx

I completely agree with noble.

Northern, do you believe that family should come before friends in all cases just because they are family, or do you think that the actual relationship to the people hosting the event should be taken into consideration too? (genuine question btw)

I would do anything for my immediate family. However, I'd be hard pushed to name all my aunts and uncles let alone recognise them walking down the street. And I've absolutely no clue about cousins.

Karbea
Don't let this spoil your enjoyment of the wedding.

YANBU. We had to limit the guest list to just Aunts and Uncles as including cousins would have added about 40 people to our list. Most of them were ok with it.

But Northernlurker not everyone is the same. You are fortunate that you are close to your family but not everyone is and shouldn't feel they need to spend special days with them
For what it's worth I didn't invite my grandmother because she had never featured in my life

Megatron - I am struggling to believe in a situation where a person truly has no relationship with any family member other than parents and siblings and also has numerous close relationships with friends. I think if you are having any sort of wedding you need to consider who 'belongs' wth you, seen lifelong. Many people are closer to one amily member or another at different points in their life. You don't issue wedding invitations based only on who you've seen in the last 12 months.
OP - I don't think you should have felt obligated to invite all your cousins but clearly your mother's sister has a close relationship with your family and has a young child. She is entitled to her disappointment. You asked aibu and my response is yes you are.

People seem to say 'right we want x style of wedding, that costs x amount for x number and that's what we'll have - limiting our guests to that number even though we have a larger number of connections and everybody will just have to get over it because it's our day' I don't agree with that. You should think who your essential connections are, count them up and then plan a wedding around that number. Not plan a wedding and then prune to fit. You will always upset people this way and starting a marriage on a background of family upset and anger is a really bad idea. In the op's case it sounds like se really doesn't have enough space for everybody - hence the dumping of the nephews from the guestlist.

This is exactly why I won't be getting married.

Hello,

I think 40 (In reality 36 (if you minus me and OH and the photographers)) is a small wedding. That is 18 people each. Once you remove close family that becomes 14 people each.

OH's nephews aren't invited either, correct. But we spoke to my FSIL and FBIL and they thought that not having children was the best thing to do, our reception is in the upstairs of a pub, so again really isn't particularly large or set up for children running around etc.

No one has come back and said they can't come, but I could ask friends not to, to make room for that aunty, uncle and child - But I sort of feel this would open up a can of worms, as other relatives might be upset that they've not been invited, OH's bro might be upset that cousin has and nephews haven't etc etc...

Northernlurker why can't people just invite who they want to their wedding? There is another thread where a couple were praised for just getting married on their own with no guests at all. FWIW I have no contact with my aunts/uncles just as that is the way things are. No falling out, just lead different lives.

You can invite who you want - what you can't do is expect people not to be upset about it.

OK Northernlurker I'll tell you my situation.
When I was born my father's mother informed him she didn't have any use for another granddaughter (his younger brother had a son and daughter) so despite living 2 miles away I didn't know her or my uncle and his family. I met my cousins for the first time at grammar school when introduced by my father's cousin's daughter. I met my uncle and his wife for the first time at my father's funeral ...why would I want them at my wedding?

The OPs aunt has a close relationship with the OPs mother NOT with the OP it isn't the same.

Northern, I have had no relationship with any family member other than my parents and siblings for about 16 years now. This is when I moved away from home. The only relationship I have is hearing via my mum what they are up to. Is that so hard to believe? On the other hand, dh and I, each have a lot of close friends who we have been through thick and thin with.

The last time I seen any of my aunts/uncles/cousins was at my gran's funeral and I didn't even recognise most of them. The idea that with a wedding of 40 people I would choose them over my 'community' of friends is unthinkable to me. It completely misses the point of a wedding I think.

Ok so some families manage without any contact whatsoever but that isn't the case for the op though. She has made choices here.
40 guests plus an evening is NOT small. It just isn't.
I notice people don't seem to embrace the other option - of not having an evening do at all and instead increasing the numbers attending the wedding and reception (and holding that in a slightly bigger location)

The option chosen is to spend the day with 40 people who she wants to share the occasion. Her choice and perfectly reasonable.

I disagree Northernlurker. I'm an only child with divorced parents and millions of aunts uncles and cousins, many of whom I haven't seen for decades . My mum is from a family of ten, and her siblings all have large families so there are hoards of them. They all live in NI. My husband's large extended family all live at the opposite end of Ireland. We lived in London when we decided to get married, we had the choice of having a huge wedding in Ireland with over 200 guests, half of them having to travel long distances, or a small wedding in London. Also, we are atheists, and our families are different religions. We decided to have a small wedding (26 guests, including immediate family only (but not our dads) and close friends. My mum insisted on one aunt and uncle being invited as they lived in London, I agreed against my better judgement. They left after the meal at 6pm and tried their best to get my mum and stepdad to leave with them!.

Anyway, our wedding day was perfect apart from that, I would have loathed all the palaver and arguments of a huge Irish wedding. I had all my loved ones around me, and if a distant aunty was browned off, I can't say I'm that bothered.