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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

People invited to my wedding...

101 replies

Karbea · 17/04/2011 22:02

My mum is a middle child she has an older and younger sister.

I am getting married for the 2nd time in a few weeks time.

We are getting married in a registry office and can only invite 40 people Inc us. We decided not to invite kids as most of our friends have one or two children. My younger aunty has a daughter who is 10.
We sat down with my parents and agreed that we would invite friends and only mums and dads and brothers.
Anyway since then my mum has been thinking of ways that my cousin can be invited, flower girl, only invite my aunt, uncle and cousin etc. We invited them to the eve where there is no restriction on no's.
My mum normally talks to my aunt or uncle everyday, but since I sent out my invites she hasn't heard from them. Everyone has replied except a few lesser close friends and my aunties.
I spoke to my mum earlier and I asked her what she and my dad were doing at esater, she said that one thing she will do is make piece with my aunts, and make it clear to them that it isn't her fault they aren't invited ato the day, explain she had said my cousin could be a flower girl etc. I said well I hope you aren't going to blame it on me, she said she doesn't know what to say or something like that, so I said well only 40 people will be allowed, can't invite her coz of the president it would set, not practical to have kids in central London etc.
My mum just can't see it, she said she doesn't want to fall out with me or her, but evrytime I talk to her I burst into tears as soon as I put the phone down, my OH and I have only argued about my mum etc.

What should I do, I feel totally at a loss.

I think my mum is being unreasonable, they are rude to not reply, even if it was to say can't come as can't get a baby sitter, or too far to come just for the eve or something....

I'm so upset. What should I do?

OP posts:

Hammy02 · 18/04/2011 12:28

The cost per head for the reception is much higher than for that at the evening do. Most people don't have a limitless budget for their wedding. Also, its only a wedding, just one day, I don't see why people get such a bee in their bonnet about who is invited.

fattgitttfedupandwantstosleep · 18/04/2011 12:32

I think yabu. You want to have your cake and eat it to. You made the decision to only have 40 people. Now your mum is suffering from your decision and yet you wont even let her tell the truth, which is that its your decision, not hers, and that yes, the blame does lie with you.
its your wedding. do what you want, but be grown up enough to take the consequences, and that is a avery very upset mother whose own reltationships are suffering because of your choices.

MigratingCoconuts · 18/04/2011 12:32

40 is a really small wedding Northern! Ask Will and kate

KatyH · 18/04/2011 12:33

If someone doesn't care enough about you to play a significant part in your life, why on earth should they expect to be invited to your wedding? Tis bonkers IMHO.

Northernlurker · 18/04/2011 12:35

'I don't see why people get such a bee in their bonnet about who is invited.'

Neither do I - expect apparently the bride can get as stressed and stroppy as she likes about this very issue?

I repeat again - her aunt does NOT live miles away and hasn't seen her for years on end. The op's situation is all about the choices she has made and she has to live with them. Hurt has been caused here - you can't argue your way out of that saying ' well they shouldn't feel hurt' - they already do.

KatyH · 18/04/2011 12:40

What 'hurt' exactly? Perhaps the aunt imagined she had a more significant relationship with the OP than is the case. In that scenario then I would feel sympathetic to the hurt they are experiencing. Except it doesn't sound like they do have much of a relationship. The relationship is with the OP's mother...unless I have this wrong??? If there is not much of relationship then why would you feel so hurt? Really don't get it.

mrz · 18/04/2011 12:42

It's the bride's day not her aunt's!

Northernlurker · 18/04/2011 12:46

Saying it's the bride's day does not mean other people don't feel hurt. Saying it's the bride's day doesn't mean her mother isn't involved.
Saying it's the bride's day doesn't mean she can shrug off responsibility for the choices of that day as the OP appears to be doing 'I said well I hope you aren't going to blame it on me'

TheSmallClanger · 18/04/2011 12:46

But it's the OP's mum that has stirred things up, promising invitations that weren't offered and saying someone could be a flower girl - that isn't responsible behaviour on her behalf.

We were completely ruthless with our guest list - 20, not including us, roughly half and half friends and CLOSE family. In my case that was parents, brother, one aunt and one cousin, who I count as friends as well as family. My other auntie didn't like it, but she rarely if ever speaks to me anyway and has a habit of annoying other people. If she actually had a proper relationship with me, I would probably have tried to fit her in.

mrz · 18/04/2011 12:49

People can feel disappointed but they shouldn't spoil the day for the bride by assuming they have a right to be invited
OP your choice don't feel guilty!

Hammy02 · 18/04/2011 12:49

If the aunt scarcely sees the OP, why on earth would she expect an invite. I have an aunt that is close to my mum but I haven't heard from for about 10 years. Should she expect an invite. We don't even exchange Christmas cards.

KatyH · 18/04/2011 12:51

The OP isn't shrugging off her responsibilities, she's shrugging off the responsibilty of broken promises made by her mother, who was way out of line to do so in the first place! They are probably just peeved the cousin isn't going to be a flower girl.

mrz · 18/04/2011 12:53

I recall my mum saying her wedding reception had to have two sittings with tables outdoors for all the children as she'd had to invite her (in her words) 42nd cousins twice removed... My grandmother was one of 13 children and my grandfather one of 11 plus their children and their children's children ... and that she hardly knew a handful.

confuddledDOTcom · 18/04/2011 12:55

I'm expecting to have some issues around my wedding next year but I really don't care. My dad has three brothers and I will be inviting one with his family. The other two snub the rest of the family and have been rude to everyone, particularly the uncle I am inviting. My one uncle has been married for two years and has stepchildren and step-grandchildren that would be expected to come. I don't know them, I wasn't invited to their wedding (not even a numbers or children thing from what I'm told) and I do not consider her to be my aunt or them my cousins.

I have a limit of 100 but I don't want them there. Tough luck if they have a problem. If I did invite them I'd lose people I want there - like my other uncle.

I'm all for inviting who you want, even with child-free events, as long as you accept any fall out from them graciously - I get annoyed at some of the things I hear brides say about children, like some children have to be surgically removed from their parents or the parents should be grateful for a night out, don't invite them if you don't want them, don't have space but don't be rude about it or expect people to be grateful.

mrz · 18/04/2011 12:58

If it's any consolation my MIL's stepbrother and his wife said later they regretted boycotting my wedding when they heard what a great day it had been ... I have to say neither my OH or I noticed their absence

thumbbunny · 18/04/2011 13:08

The aunt was at the first, all-singing, all-dancing with all the bells on wedding.

This is a second wedding. There is no need to get all precious about family members for a second wedding (or even a first, actually, but even less for a second)

Northernlurker - you have your opinion, it's right for you and your family but you are frighteningly narrow-minded and insular if you "can't believe" in other peoples' situations being different to your own.

penguin73 · 18/04/2011 13:17

I come from a tiny family but DH has a huge one and I only met some of his cousins, their children and some of his uncles on our wedding day. It made it all the more special for us and I would do it exactly the same again even though it meant many friends couldn't be there. However as this thread shows people have different attitudes towards family and each to their own. I am surprised that the aunt hasn't been in touch though - with only 3 weeks to go if she thought her daughter was a flower girl surely she would have expected some contact if only to discuss dresses etc?

willowstar · 18/04/2011 13:22

the whole thing about how much contact you have with family members can be misleading I think. I speak to my brother about once a year but I hear lots about him through my mum, and him vice versa and feel close to him. Likewise my mum tends to speak to my uncles and aunts more and we hear how we all are but without much direct communication...so even though the OP may not speak to her aunts often they may feel more involved in her life than she realises given then her mum speaks to them so much.

my wedding was me, him and two strangers off the street, THAT is a small wedding! Mainly because we couldn't afford a wedding big enough to accomodate all the people we would like to have there and wouldn't have done it with just a few thus excluding lots of people. it just didn't feel right.

I agree with Northernlurker.

Northernlurker · 18/04/2011 13:27

Thanks willowstar - that is exactly what I meant re the aunt! Thank goodness somebody can express what I mean

mrz · 18/04/2011 13:31

My mum used to talk about relatives I had never met. I would get news about births and deaths graduations illness and holidaysbut it certainly didn't make me feel close to them or inclined to want to spend time with them.

Hammy02 · 18/04/2011 13:32

I think it is worse to just get married on your own than to drop a couple of uncles/aunts/cousins from a weddling list. I couldn't not have my mum & dad at my wedding. I just couldn't.

KatyH · 18/04/2011 13:49

I take your point Willowstar and if the aunt has thought she is closer than it turns out to be then I am sympathetic. She probably would be hurting. I expect many of us have been in the situation where we haven't been invited to a wedding when we expected to be, or only invited to part of it. It can be disappointing and makes you rethink what relationship you have. However, I've never stopped talking to the bride/groom because of it and I've never had a great sense of injustice or entitlement. That part I find hard to understand. Perhaps it just needs a phonecall to sort it out.

thumbbunny · 18/04/2011 14:01

I think it can definitely make you rethink the relationship you have with the bridal pair, depending on how it's done.

For example - we have 2 cousins. One of them went off to the seaside for a weekend with her bloke, her BF and BF's bloke. They got married in a registry office, being each others' witnesses and came back and told people. NOT a problem - no one was invited (not even parents) and that's what they wanted.
Her brother OTOH - got married, big do and the only one of our family he invited was my brother, not even my parents. Created bad feeling (not for me, I couldn't have cared less) but my sister and my parents all felt that it was a bit rude. Even my brother considered it a bit off (but still went).

Haven't heard from either cousin since my uncle's funeral, around 15y ago. So I had no compunction in not inviting either of them to my wedding, even though they are our only 1st cousins.

GnomeDePlume · 18/04/2011 15:09

This thread has been useful for me. Over lunch, DH and I told DD (15) that she should invite whoever she and her partner want to their wedding when it happens!

Different people have different relationships with their family and shouldnt impose this on others. In this case it is the OP's mother who is close to her sister. There is a huge difference and relationship step away between aunt and sister. The mother's sister's daughter is a massive step away.

Anyway, not everyone wants to go to a family wedding. Perhaps the aunt & uncle dont want to go just havent got round to sending a 'we regret' card.

Just because OP's mother wants them to be there doesnt mean that they do. My MiL is forever claiming that XYZ (insert random relative's name) would love to attend family events.

glastocat · 18/04/2011 16:09

I don't understand people getting upset at not getting wedding invites. I hate going to weddings, unless its very close friends or family, because most weddings are so bloody expensive boring to attend. I usually make an excuse anyway. But all this entitlement is rubbish.

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