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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to arrange a 'time off' rota for DH and I on our first family holiday

96 replies

Babieseverywhere · 17/04/2011 19:19

We haven't been on holiday for 6 years, as our budget is too tight. But we like being home and having family days out with the children.

MIL very kindly offered to pay for a caravan for a week to go away with them this year. We will be going with other family members and MIL and FIL. Very grateful to them for paying for the caravan as our children will love it.

As I am a SAHM I am happy to do all the child care and most of the house stuff and DH does his fair share when he is home at weekends but I always make sure he gets two lie ins at the weekend etc.

I have asked him twice to have a think, about how he would like to arrange 'time off' on this holiday. I expect daytime and evenings to be family time with the children and I have suggested we take turns alternate nights being responsible for the children over night and in the morning (so the other parents gets to stay up late/have a beer and maybe a quick lie in.)

DH's first response was 'but it is my holiday' :( I pointed out it was meant to be my holiday too and if I am not having any break at all what is the point of going. Second time I asked he looked a bit gutted that I asked again and I have asked him to have a think and get back to me.

I wanted to set something in place before we go as his parents have made it very clear that they expect me to do everything for all three children when we visit them and MIL often mentions (out of DH's hearing) that I shouldn't ask DH to do anything with his children when we visit them, as he works so hard Angry I point out that they are his kids too and I also work hard. Luckily DH is a good father and does share the load.

AIBU to have asked him how we are going to arrange time off ?

Surely wanting 3 late nights/lie ins is not unreasonable, I honestly can not remember the last time I had a child free hour, maybe last year. I am betting in laws will go to bed early on 'my nights' but I just want to know I will have some kind of a break, else 7 days in a self catering caravan with three children under 4 years old might not be particularly restful.

OP posts:
noodle69 · 17/04/2011 19:22

I think it is very strange that both your husband and your in laws arent offering to do hours and let you have time to yourself. I would of thought the in laws would have looked after them for a couple of nights whilst you 2 go out as a couple and then your husband gives you a couple of days break to.

I dont think they are very nice by the sounds of things and I definitely wouldnt put up with my husband doing that.

Tee2072 · 17/04/2011 19:23

Not unreasonable at all. In fact you should arrange such a thing every week or so.

My husband is on holiday the week of Easter. We can't afford to go anywhere, but he's already asked me which day I want off.

Tell your MIL to wind her neck in. You probably work harder than your husband. I'd bet he gets to drink hot cups of tea and have a lunch break!

noodle69 · 17/04/2011 19:23

Also how is your DH sharing the load when you dont have any child free time, you give him 2 lie ins a week and he wont look after his own kids on holiday?!!

squeakytoy · 17/04/2011 19:25

Send the children round to the grandparents as soon as they wake up! Then you can both go back to sleep. :)

I cant see why you cant both have a few beers, you dont neet to get blind drunk. And both get up at the same time..

Presumably you will have the children with you at night, in their buggies if you are out for the evening, like most people on holiday do.

rosie1979 · 17/04/2011 19:28

Why does your dh get two lie ins and you dont get any?
I can not believe he said: "but its my holiday" - if I were you I would pack them all off and spend the week home alone in my PJ's doing sod all. ;)

Original poster
Babieseverywhere · 17/04/2011 19:30

DH cooks very well and often at weekends. He also mends the cars (saving us a small fortune) and great at DIY. He also often parents 1 or 2 children whilst I take the other one to do the food shopping etc at the weekend. But the youngest being an breastfed baby, I can't really leave her for any length of time ATM

He will parent the children on holiday once we reach an agreement, I just wondered what would be a fair spilt ?

I guess I don't normal want a break every week, I like spending time with my children. I prefer to spend weekend WITH DH AND the children IYSWIM. But I just see an offical holiday as something different and I don't want DH and inlaws up drinking every night, leaving me being unpaid nanny for the week.

OP posts:
shakey1500 · 17/04/2011 19:30

YANBU at all. And I think it's a very good idea to have this in place before you go. Our first holiday with ds was a bloody nightmare. Despite having grandparents, sister, BIL, niece, Stepdaughter AND DH I did nigh on 100% of the childcare whilst everyone else lazed on sunbeds and relaxed the day away. Often I would take ds for a walk in the pushchair just so I could go and have a cry. Nobody saw how utterly miserable and exhausted I was and I was so angry inside i knew if I said anything there was a possibility I would self combust and ruin everyone elses holiday so (mistakenly) i became martyrish.

It wasn't until dh saw the holiday video and I pointed out "oh look, there's you relaxing with your book/beer whilst i struggle to change ds nappy on a plastic sunlounger YET AGAIN" and suchlike, that he realised how unfair he had been.

Second holiday, complete success. Just me, dh and ds. Days spent on the beach together, evening meal together, put ds to bed together. THEN, one of us would hit the town for the rest of the evening. We know the resort very well and have lots of friends there befoe anyone envisages me propping up a random bar on my own :) Whoever stayed in would get up with ds, the other would have a lie in till about 11am. No resentment at all as we knew it was "the others" turn that evening etc. Worked a dream.

Definately try and get something sorted, it IS your holiday as well and you deserve time out. All the best.

Original poster
Babieseverywhere · 17/04/2011 19:33

"Why does your dh get two lie ins and you dont get any?"
Because I am use to getting up at 7am with the bf baby and he gets up at 5am during the week, so letting him sleep until 8/9am on the weekend is a no brainer for me, plus I really appreciate him taking on the financial burden whilst I am a SAHM for a few years, it really is a dream come true for me.

OP posts:
noodle69 · 17/04/2011 19:34

I think you should tell him you want a couple of days off and he should willingly do it so you can have a rest. You shouls split it evenly so you both get the same amount of lie ins/drinking nights etc cause thats only fair.

squeakytoy · 17/04/2011 19:35

Surely holidays are a time when you all do things together, not "your turn today" etc.. The kids come out with you at night time, nobody has to stay behind.

MrsMoppet · 17/04/2011 19:36

What about time for you and your DH together, without the children?? Tbh, I'd be asking your MIL and FIL to babysit at least one evening so you and your DH can have an evening out together - even if money is tight, you could still go for a walk together, and have a quick drink in the pub ... My mum always used to "sypmathise" with how tired my DH was after his tough working week, and never acknowledged the fact that I was working AND looking after 2 pre-schoolers, and it used to drive me crazy. Your MIL needs to face up to her grandparental responsibilities and do some babysitting for the two of you.

Also, sorry to be nosey but if you have 3 kids under the age of 4, and you do all the childcare and housework during the week, why on earth do you not get any lie-ins at the weekends? What does your husband do at work that is so much harder/tiring than looking after 3 under-4s?

If you've always allowed him to have all the lie-ins, and never mentioned that you could do with a break too, you can see why the idea is alien to him now. He's going on holiday to have a break from work; you don't work (ha!), therefore you don't need a break. Please address it now - and make him agree to you taking it in turns with the weekend lie-ins from now on, please please please. Being a SAHM is HARD WORK and you deserve a break just as much as he does.

Given that this is all alien to him, perhaps asking for such a rigid schedule of 3 evenings off each would not be the best approach ... it might be better to start small. Suggest one evening off each. And maybe a couple of hours in the day too? - maybe he could have a morning off, and so could you? And definitely give the grandparent babysitting idea a go, unless the grandparents aren't suitable babysitters??

lechatnoir · 17/04/2011 19:37

I am the employee and DH is a SAHD and we do alternate lie-ins at the weekend and on holiday. I'm always amazed how few couples share the load equally but luckily for me having both been child/home carer AND workers we know both are jobs just in different ways.

Most men have more sense than to comment on how little they think their wife gets up to all day but this is clearly what they do honestly think as 99% won't think twice about having a joke with DH about what an easy life he's got drinking coffee & playing all day Wink.

Definitely put him straight but regardless of what he says now, just announce before bedtime that tomorrow is your lie-in day, boot DH out of bed at the required time & just don't get up
LCN

Original poster
Babieseverywhere · 17/04/2011 19:38

Thanks shakey1500, your story is one I aim to avoid, hence the pre-holiday discussion.

"I cant see why you cant both have a few beers, you dont neet to get blind drunk. And both get up at the same time.."
Well, my way I get to enjoy one evening and get to catch up on sleep the next night. DH will stay up every night and be grumpy ever over day, LOL

OP posts:
Original poster
Babieseverywhere · 17/04/2011 19:41

Mmm, lots to think about. Sorry I keep cross posting, I am too slow tonight. Off to put baby in bed and have a think. I'll have another chat with DH soon and put some of these ideas forward.

I like the idea if having a date night out together.

OP posts:
StaryNightSky · 17/04/2011 19:41

My DS and BIL, have two kids,

Ds is a SAHM how also works partime (teacher on the days youngest DN goes to nursery) BIL is in the military.

On holiday they have the following simple rule.

One morning each on rotation. ie, Monday, wed, fiday DS, tues, thurs, sat BIL.

Evening work the same, they both put kid to bed, one is then "superiviser" whilst the other relaxes, me time etc. Then the one doing the mornign does the night wakes up if there are any.

On holiday with family. we all take a turn doing a night for all the kids, ie. DS, BIL will look after my DD for one night so DH and I can go out, and viss versa. GP do one night, so DS, BIL, DH and I can all go out.

Works like a charm

moondog · 17/04/2011 19:42

I can't remember a lie in undisturbed ever being an option when I was breastfeeding a small baby...

MrsMoppet · 17/04/2011 19:43

OK, you've answered most of my questions before I had a chance to push the "post message" button - didn't realise you were happy getting up at the weekends, and that your DH gets up at 5 during the week ... and that you don't want any time off at the weekends either ...

onepieceofcremeegg · 17/04/2011 19:47

I think it's a bit sad that you have to try and engineer events/talk your dh round tbh. Dh and I don't take strict turns on lie-ins/having a few drinks etc. Generally we try and be more considerate of each other. Obviously we are not perfect and this system doesn't always work, but I could not try and do a "rota" to persuade him to pull his weight.
I would be having a serious think about whether I wanted to even go on this holiday if you are already stressing about how to make him pull his weight.

HandMini · 17/04/2011 19:47

Yes, yes, yes to all the above. The holiday is for BOTH of you and in non-holiday time it sounds as though you are working equally hard, so unless I'm totally missing something, there should be equal childcare responsibilities on holiday - whether you do it in strict rotation / one night on and one night off or whatever doesn't really matter, but definitely some lie ins for you. Would hope that parents in law would do at least one night/morning so you could do something together (even if it's just lie in bed!)

noodle69 · 17/04/2011 19:48

Squeaky toy - Nobody has to stay behind but a couple of lies in each is nice and one of you to be more 'on duty' for night wake ups/nappies if needs be whilst the other has a chill out.

rosie1979 · 17/04/2011 19:56

I really appreciate him taking on the financial burden while I am a SAHM, it really is a dream come true for me

Same as for my dh - that does not mean I forfeit ever having a lie in.
And your wondering why he's clueless about giving you a break on holiday? Hmm

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 17/04/2011 20:07

I'm amazed at this. Of course YANBU.

I'd be quite tempted to not go actually, if ILs and DH are that set on leaving all the childcare to you. You deserve a break too.

I just had a few days at Haven with DH, our 3 and 1yos and his 3 teenagers. As it turned out we couldn't share anything evenly - due to injury he couldn't do any activities or really look after 1yo frequent escapee. So I did loads of stuff with all the DCs, did the shopping etc, I was knackered, but had fun. He did most of the housework (caravanwork?) and I sent him out with the teens in the evenings for quality time.

My waffly point is, it shouldn't NEED to be so regimented. A partnership is about give and take, as and when - compromise. But no, YANBU to ask him this, as it seems you need to. Which sucks.

And after the holiday - no matter what - you must get more assertive about getting the alone time you need and deserve.

ivykaty44 · 17/04/2011 20:09

osh I would send DH on ahead with the dc and have a three day weekend in a spa - then join them after Wink

carriedababi · 17/04/2011 20:10

he actually said it was HIS holiday

sorry but what a knob

are the inlaws staying in the same caravan?
if so dont bother going imo

springlambkin · 17/04/2011 20:15

"I really appreciate him taking on the financial burden whilst I am a SAHM for a few years, it really is a dream come true for me."

And it's probably a dream come true for him to know that his three children are being well looked after at home by their mother. It's a two way thing - you make it sound like he's doing you a favour. He's not!

"DH's first response was 'but it is my holiday' I pointed out it was meant to be my holiday too"

I'm sorry, but that sounds like he thinks you're his servant.

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