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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to arrange a 'time off' rota for DH and I on our first family holiday

96 replies

Babieseverywhere · 17/04/2011 19:19

We haven't been on holiday for 6 years, as our budget is too tight. But we like being home and having family days out with the children.

MIL very kindly offered to pay for a caravan for a week to go away with them this year. We will be going with other family members and MIL and FIL. Very grateful to them for paying for the caravan as our children will love it.

As I am a SAHM I am happy to do all the child care and most of the house stuff and DH does his fair share when he is home at weekends but I always make sure he gets two lie ins at the weekend etc.

I have asked him twice to have a think, about how he would like to arrange 'time off' on this holiday. I expect daytime and evenings to be family time with the children and I have suggested we take turns alternate nights being responsible for the children over night and in the morning (so the other parents gets to stay up late/have a beer and maybe a quick lie in.)

DH's first response was 'but it is my holiday' :( I pointed out it was meant to be my holiday too and if I am not having any break at all what is the point of going. Second time I asked he looked a bit gutted that I asked again and I have asked him to have a think and get back to me.

I wanted to set something in place before we go as his parents have made it very clear that they expect me to do everything for all three children when we visit them and MIL often mentions (out of DH's hearing) that I shouldn't ask DH to do anything with his children when we visit them, as he works so hard Angry I point out that they are his kids too and I also work hard. Luckily DH is a good father and does share the load.

AIBU to have asked him how we are going to arrange time off ?

Surely wanting 3 late nights/lie ins is not unreasonable, I honestly can not remember the last time I had a child free hour, maybe last year. I am betting in laws will go to bed early on 'my nights' but I just want to know I will have some kind of a break, else 7 days in a self catering caravan with three children under 4 years old might not be particularly restful.

OP posts:
geraldinetheluckygoat · 18/04/2011 08:47

Your husband isn't "allowing you" to stay at home, surely it's a decision that you have both made together? As others have said, you re providing the childcare and keeping the house livable in! Both things that you can employ others to do, therefore both valid contributions. I too can't believe that you even have to discuss and negotiate time off from the kids. In our house, if one person is more awake than the other, they will get up with the kids, otherwise we usually both get up with them, if the kids get up too early they are sent back to bed!

As for having people camping out in your lounge and in the spare bed, when there is already a family of 5 staying there, well that is madness. If I were in your place on this holiday I would be ready to kill after a couple of days....

rainbowinthesky · 18/04/2011 08:48

Havent read the thread but you say you have 3 kids under the age of 4. Hmm, I wonder who actually works the hardest - you or your dh? You are seriously kidding yourself if you think he has the hardest job.

HubbaHubbaBubba · 18/04/2011 08:56

Just read back a bit - how old are your kids if the eldest can't yet feed himself/herself? You definitely need a break if that's the case!!

PlopPlopPing · 18/04/2011 09:14

It should be standard (IMO) that you both get a lay-in at weekends and that you take it in turns on holiday. If you have been letting him have all the lay-ins for the last 6 years or so then you have set yourself up for this! You have to start as you meant to go on otherwise you end up with a bloke who thinks that because he has a job (boo hoo) he doesn't have to give you a break.

What a selfish man!

PlopPlopPing · 18/04/2011 09:27

I just read that you're going to have other people staying in your carvan as well! Nightmare! You'll get NO privacy!

exhausted2011 · 18/04/2011 09:36

When is this holiday? It really does sound like a disaster waiting to happen.
I hope you have a lovely time.
Your dh needs to be your ally in all this, so it's him you need to work on. And not just for this holiday, you need to sort it out so that the balance is much fairer.

NestaFiesta · 18/04/2011 10:03

Poor you OP. I'm a SAHM and whilst I'm grateful that my DH is the breadwinner, I also think he is grateful to me that he has a child free office he can go to every day whilst I deal with the tantrums, bums and screaming.

You have very much got the raw deal here OP. Just because you don't get a salary, doesn't mean you don't have a full time job. If it wasn't for you he would have a massive child care bill and would have to hit the ground running the minute he got home if he didn't have you to do it all.

I'm not sure what to suggest. You sound outnumbered. I personally wouldn't go until I had DH's full understanding and loyalty. We did a caravan holiday last year and DH asked why I was so bloody miserable by Day three. I said "because I haven't bloody STOPPED!" He copped on and helped out loads after that.

Your MIL needs to stop babying her son and realise that he is a responsible father now and has to break a sweat doing childcare and chores. We know that but how do you change someone after all these years? Your DH needs to point out that you get zero time off and work 24/7 365 days a year whilst he has evenings and weekends free every week. You have my sympathy but don't let anyone bully you or take you for granted. You are in the RIGHT.

If your DH was your boss, he would get sued for not letting you have any time off.

Animation · 18/04/2011 10:10

Actually it does feel a bit a bit like bullying - and the more you try to be nice and reasonable to sort out the tinyest bit of time for yourself, the more your needs are ignored.

There's no other way but to step it up!

NinkyNonker · 18/04/2011 10:16

Wow, if DH ever expected me to feel grateful to hum I'd be a bit Hmm. On beautiful sunny days when dd is being a delight I do, if course, as I'd rather be chilling with her than be at work, but he is equally appreciative that I am happy to be with her.

His holiday? I hope that was just a slip of the tongue, otherwise Angry.

And start sharing lie ins, stop martyr-ing/enslaving yourself to him. Even every other weekend. Sometimes I get every lie in for a month if dd has been particularly troublesome, DH insists. Equally, if he has a big day ahead and she is wide awake at 0430 (yawn) I will take her off elsewhere to let him sleep undisturbed.

You are a partnership. You provide childcare so he can work. When he is at work, you do 100% of it. When he is not at work, he is responsible for 50% of it. Whether that means you agree times off or both just muck in, whatever.

grovel · 18/04/2011 10:16

You have not been on hols for ages and may have forgotten that chores etc are somehow much less onerous when you are away and not surrounded by guilt-inducing clutter etc.
Play it by ear.

NinkyNonker · 18/04/2011 10:19

I read it that there were 2 caravans, but that evening socials would be in their's cause of the kids? You are going to have to be like mice, caravan walls won't be that thick I imagine.

TheCowardlyLion · 18/04/2011 10:19

I think you need to stop thinking of this as a holiday. It sounds like a hideous trial to be endured, TBH, and if you fool yourself that it is going to be a holiday, you will be even more exhausted and resentful of having your hopes dashed. You seem to be equating this caravan with a three bedroomed house but it isn't! - in the circumstances you describe, no-one will be getting a lie-in and your children certainly won't be getting to sleep before nine or ten at night. And as soon as they wake up, the whole caravan will wake up - how do you think you will get breakfast for them without waking up those sleeping in the living area?

I would suggest you put your foot down and either refuse to go, or assert yourself much more strongly with your MIL so that she knows the ground rules: no-one else sleeping in your van! If you are worried about offending her because she is paying for it, then you shouldn't be going - a gift with those kind of strings attached (I'm paying so you get to put up with all the random people in your van) is no gift at all.

NestaFiesta · 18/04/2011 10:20

grovel- sorry, that's rubbish. It's harder on holiday as you can't just get a meal out of the deep freeze and you can't leave anything lying around because a caravan is so small and if it rains you're cooped up in a small space with restless children. Plus you are living out of a suitcase and nobody wants to spend two hours in a laundrette on holiday.

ScroobiousPip · 18/04/2011 10:26

Sounds hideous. Why not send DH with the three older children and enjoy some peace and quiet at home?

Animation · 18/04/2011 10:28

ScroobiousPip.

Good suggestion!

hocuspontas · 18/04/2011 10:32

You forgot the tiny, tiny, toilet Nesta. Shared by 2 families. I can guess who's going to clean it....

NestaFiesta · 18/04/2011 10:36

hocus- you're right! and don't forget the big air freshener for the tiny, tiny toilet!

diddl · 18/04/2011 11:02

I guess we are an odd couple because tbh, at weekends & on holidays, when the children were young, once they were up, we were both up.

Also, we were not ones for staying up late on family holidays either-especially if it meant that someone would be trying to sleep in in a holiday place, or be up & spoiling the day for everyone else.

MmeSurvivedLent · 18/04/2011 11:10

oh, dear. This sounds like a recipe for disaster all right.

Who are the guests? Why are they going to be sleeping on the couch of your caravan?

You know that your DC are going to be up early and then the whole caravan will be awake?

Where are you going to give the DC breakfast while the guests sleep?

diddl · 18/04/2011 11:12

Well yes, could I just ask how anyone thinks that they are going to sleep in in a caravan once children are up & about.

I don´t think taking turns will be an issueGrin

MmeSurvivedLent · 18/04/2011 11:14

We did it, Diddl, but with separate bedrooms for everyone and the DC were older.

hocuspontas · 18/04/2011 11:16

Imagine if the guests are having early morning sex while your children are trying to eat breakfast? A recipe for disaster imo. DON'T GO!!

diddl · 18/04/2011 11:22

"We did it, Diddl, "

Yes, I suppose it´s the type of caravan.

I was thinking of the touring type where there aren´t usually seperate bedrooms.

MmeSurvivedLent · 18/04/2011 11:26

Diddl
We were in a static home type caravan, with 3 bedrooms. One for us, one for my parents, one for the DC. Who were 6yo and 4yo, I think. So one of us could get up and give them breakfast, and try to keep them quiet so the others could sleep. We took turns in doing this.

Then generally we would take them out for a walk, or to the playarea as keeping young children quiet for an hour or two is difficult.

TheCowardlyLion · 18/04/2011 11:36

I agree with diddl anyway - we tend to do things as a family on holiday, including DS, so we get up together and spend evenings together - in the situation the OP describes, we would have been quite happy to both get up and keep the children busy, and in the evenings would have stayed up together for a drink or two - I have to ask, how late were you planning on staying up (in the living area of your van, with three children trying to sleep in it also Confused) that getting up when the kids get up (assuming they get up at 6 or 7) would have been a problem??