to arrange a 'time off' rota for DH and I on our first family holiday

[Babieseverywhere]

We haven't been on holiday for 6 years, as our budget is too tight. But we like being home and having family days out with the children.

MIL very kindly offered to pay for a caravan for a week to go away with them this year. We will be going with other family members and MIL and FIL. Very grateful to them for paying for the caravan as our children will love it.

As I am a SAHM I am happy to do all the child care and most of the house stuff and DH does his fair share when he is home at weekends but I always make sure he gets two lie ins at the weekend etc.

I have asked him twice to have a think, about how he would like to arrange 'time off' on this holiday. I expect daytime and evenings to be family time with the children and I have suggested we take turns alternate nights being responsible for the children over night and in the morning (so the other parents gets to stay up late/have a beer and maybe a quick lie in.)

DH's first response was 'but it is my holiday' :( I pointed out it was meant to be my holiday too and if I am not having any break at all what is the point of going. Second time I asked he looked a bit gutted that I asked again and I have asked him to have a think and get back to me.

I wanted to set something in place before we go as his parents have made it very clear that they expect me to do everything for all three children when we visit them and MIL often mentions (out of DH's hearing) that I shouldn't ask DH to do anything with his children when we visit them, as he works so hard I point out that they are his kids too and I also work hard. Luckily DH is a good father and does share the load.

AIBU to have asked him how we are going to arrange time off ?

Surely wanting 3 late nights/lie ins is not unreasonable, I honestly can not remember the last time I had a child free hour, maybe last year. I am betting in laws will go to bed early on 'my nights' but I just want to know I will have some kind of a break, else 7 days in a self catering caravan with three children under 4 years old might not be particularly restful.

Inlaws are in their own caravan but the one we are staying in will also be housing their friends, their son and wife etc at various night during the week.

That is why I want alternative nights off, as the social area for the evenings will be the living room in 'our' caravan, so one of us will have to put the kids to bed, make sure they don't bother the adults, do the night duties and be up in the morning making sure the kids don't disturb whoever is sleeping on the sofa bed in the living room and who ever is sleeping in the third bedroom.

TBH I am really worried about the money too. Long story but MIL has no idea/won't listen to how tight things are for us. Our weekly budget will be around £50 for food maybe £30 for days out and petrol to get there and back. I mentioned I was taking a slow cooker with me, to make catering easy and MIL was talking about how we should be going out to cafes and bars and how cheap they are....doesn't matter how cheap they are we can not afford it, nor need it. This worried me so much I had a chat with SIL (whom is so lovely) and explained how much I was worried we would end up ruining MIL holiday plans as we can't afford to keep up with her. SIL laughed and said MIL never hears what she doesn't want to and that she'll have a word with her and for me not to worry.

Honestly if it was not for the children, I would much rather stay home and have day trips to Southport/Blackpool. But they will LOVE being able to go to the beach every day and having picnics etc

sorry my sweet, but this sounds like a recipe for disaster

unless you get dh to get with the programme

"but this sounds like a recipe for disaster"
Which bit in particular or all of it ?

I have no choice but to go, honestly this woman does not listen to anyone. We told her to hold off booking anything, as it is likely that DH will be out of work by summer and we'll have zero money and DH will have to be around for interviews etc. She listened waited 18 hours and booked the holiday anyway. Sigh, she is a nice MIL in loads of ways but she does not think of others and often makes things harder than they need to be. Of course if SH is out of work and we have to cancel the holiday it will be my fault (in her eyes). As she disproves of me SAH.

if SH DH is out of work

doesnt sound very restful tbh - i guess you will just have to go with the flow :(

h had a day off to go hill walking one holiday, sulked because he only got one day he wanted to do a lot more hill walking, but I said i wasn't up to humping small children all over the countryside in a backpack with all the coats/nappies/potty/wipes suncream/raingear/ food/drinks etc. unfortunately he was not able to reciprocate due to advice from the hv.

put your foot down and make sure he shares the responsibilities of the children during the day too. He needs to do his fair share of putting on bibs feeding and taking to the toilet.

Make sure you are not feeding the guests that stay in your van.

You sound like you need a holiday. But this isn't it - far too stressful. What about those Sun holidays? Are they all gone now? Just go away with your family and SHARE all the 'duties'. This sounds like a nightmare. As someone said - if anything let DH go with the children. PiLs will trip over themselves helping I bet then HE can lie in every day and so can you (at home).

If he went on his own, he would do it all...Mmm that sounds quite attractive. :)

Inlaws are not hands on. They have looked after our oldest for a few days once, but she is old enough to feed herself, get herself dressed, go to the toilet on her own etc. Whilst our youngest two need much more attention. MIL has yet to change ONE nappy for any of our children, but she loves cuddling them, sitting them on her knee and showing them off to her friends. They get handed back when they need something more. They absolutally adore her and will have a whale of a time, I hope it will be better than I currently think it will be IYSWIM.

there is no privacy in a caravan ,once the kids are up the whole caravan will be up including your guests in the living area.a caravan holiday is hard work.

This will be a disaster.
Are you actually intending on sharing a 3 bed caravan with dh, 3 dcs and 1/2 guests? Have you ever bee- on a caravan holiday before? Sounds like your dh would be better going alone or just taking eldest.

I have been on a caravan holiday as a child but not with DH.

I am hopeing if the holiday goes relative well, that we will do the sun holiday breaks in the future. I just need to get DH on the same page as me and it will be fine...we have to sort this out asap

We are sharing DH and I in one room with a travel cot provided for cosleeping baby. DD1 and DS are in the second room but they are both likely to come through to us, especially in an unfamiliar place.

Guests wise, we are expecting between 2 and 4 people to be staying in the other beds (sofa bed in living room and third bedroom) depending on what night it is.

Can't imagine any lie-ins happening with everyone in one caravan.

plus I really appreciate him taking on the financial burden whilst I am a SAHM for a few years, it really is a dream come true for me.

You are a family - the children are your DHs to - so where he is bringing in the money yo uare doing an equally valuable job - looking after his children. It sounds as if you think you are beholden to him or something and therefore pander to him - whereas as a family it should be all about doing things together. I can only see trouble ahead on the holiday to like others.

"Its my holiday" - well tell him to go and you will stay behind, thats not the words of a good caring dad however much you say he is.

Why is yuor living room the one where the evening piss up takes place? That's madness if you will be trying to keep 3 kids asleep.

And random folk sleeping there too and dossing down in the lounge. Sounds like sheer hell. Waking up with a thumping head after the booze to crying babies and farting snoring strangers strewn about.

OMFG

First of all, YADNBU. I am off on my hols (long w/e for the easter break) and DH and I will basically tag team the days with DS (7mo) so the other one gets lie ins/ book and sun bed/ spa time etc. Then we'll have our evenings together.

However, I think the accommodation needs a rethink. Firstly, a double bedroom in a caravan will not be big enough for your older children to come in to you. I'd be surprised if you can even get a travel cot in there. Secondly, unless they are v good sleepers, the children are not going to be able to sleep through 6 adults sitting outside the bedroom chatting and drinking.

Plus, caravans are small. I would really not want randomers sharing with me. Can they not pitch a tent if they're adults. If it was me I would way rather sleep in my comfy 2 man storm shield than on the sofa in a caravan with a family I'd never met (although I'm sure you're lovely, you know what I mean)

1. You deserve a lie in too
2. Have a night out, have 6, have a 100 - you're not serving a sentence!
3. Stop worshiping him just because he brings home the bacon
4. Maybe you can't actually "afford" to be a ft SAHM given your precarious finances

I'm really sorry and I hate these threads which are "he's an arse and so are his parents", but from the way you describe it you actually are being treated as rent-a-womb. :(

YANBU. I've been situations similar to what you are describing and been made to feel like an overqualified servant/unpaid aupair/unpaid cook for everyone, etc, just because I was SAHM. Only solution was to say I wasn't able to do it and refusing to go there.

Sounds like your DH, like you, is under some stress re:financial situation, having had no holiday, having young baby and other children at young ages. He prob doesn't even realise that he's being unfair and that his response sounds quite selfish even if he doesn't mean to be.

From a neutral point of view, the caravan social and living arrangements sound like a recipe for disaster - I strongly advise letting your caravan be the place that people drop in to, as you will end up more tired, more wrecked and more picked upon that before you went on hols; it sounds like it will be more stress and work than your normal routine.

Am also uncomfortable about the power (and controlling attitude)that your MIL seems to be exerting over the situation and total lack of offers to babysit/entertain grandkids to help you and her son unwind a bit. She seems to be just wanting time with your DH and you are being dragged in as unpaid au pair/housekeeper working full out so that she can see her son. (A bit strongly put maybe but I have had in laws with such ideas - though, happy to say, not MIL who is lovely and not the least bit controlling.)

The most effective holiday IMHO is one where you, DH and kids are separate from others - ie your caravan is your space and off limits to others. If it's a beach holiday, they can socialise on the beach or in the pub! If they want to transport a free of charge living room, why are they even leaving home! The main thing is, make sure it is not yours. The kids won't be able to sleep with adults gatecrashing your caravan. If you have your own space, you'll probably find it relaxing enough for the lie in rotas not to be a problem and once recharged, I think your DH may be up to doing some shifts without being made to.

I would advise against about accepting this "roadtrip" (doesn't sound like holiday to me, sounds like more work) if you have to accept others coming into your caravan to socialise! The kids won't miss a beach holiday they didn't go on (they can go when older), but they will be upset if they remember it being full of angst and conflict. As you say, nothing wrong with just day trips - if everyone was happy and relaxed, the kids will have a great time regardless of what the program was.

Ouch! NB!! 3rd paragraph, first line should read "I strongly advise AGAINST letting...". Laptop plays up sometimes and deletes words or letters.

The whole holiday sounds like a nightmare, for all the reasons people have given above

You might like to work out what you are contributing to your household in financial terms. Probably about 30,000 pounds in daytime child care for starters.

Being a SAHM is wonderful, I agree, but it's also an extremely valuable contribution to the household in all sorts of ways. Time your DH understood that and valued you!

Just because she´s booked it, doesn´t mean you have to go.

And if friends and relatives are also staying, I don´t see how they are doing you a favour tbh-it sounds as if there are strings attached.

I can´t believe that adults argue about lie ins tbh.

The point of holiday & w/ends is that that´s when the sahm doesn´t get up with the children, isn´t it?

I would suggest that your dh takes the older two dcs on holiday and you stay at home with the baby. I can't see any way with his and his mother's attitudes that you will have an enjoyable holiday if you went too. There is nothing worse than being with people who have no idea of your financial limitations. Let alone the sleeping arrangements.

You do realise that the dcs will wake up others in the caravan and that you will get the blame.

Why can't your Pil's friends stay in their caravan?

If you're MIL really said to you that DH (her baby po) shouldn't help out with his/your kids because he goes to work - well, that's a red rag to me.

Sorry to hear that your DH and MIL are not considering that you need a break too.

I would avoid these kind of holidays unless you're prepared to speak up.

My DH is a teacher and is therefore on holiday atm. I am on maternity leave with our 11 week old and the two pre-schoolers. He is taking the kids off for an hour or so every morning where possible so I can catch up on some much needed sleep (or even just time on my own). His idea. He'll be getting no arguments from me! (and before anyone argues it's 'his' holiday time too, he's off playing golf today and has time for himself too).

When the baby's a bit older, I would expect to be able to lump drop the three kids with some poor relative or friend for an hour or two so DH and I can have some time to ourselves - even if it is just going for a walk together.

There are 2 issues here. 1) That your DH has no idea that you need a break because you've never told him and 2) This holiday sounds like it is going to be a nightmare!

On the first point it is time that you accept that you work hard and need a break as much as your DH does. It took a couple of years of parenthood before I (metaphorically) slapped DH around the head with a wet fish and demanded that we each get a lie in at the weekend. Never getting a break will grind you down and end up in you feeling resentful while your DH will carry on oblivious because that's the way that it has always been. Actually it works better for both of us because he also gets a nice long uninterrupted lie in whereas I used to be so resentful that I would let DD go in and wake him up, or I'd clatter loudly around the kitchen etc. With shared weekend lie ins as a benchmark it becomes an entirely natural given that you will also alternate during the holidays. You can always snuggle with BF baby in bed in the morning if necessary.

As far as this holiday goes, I think you have to accept that irrespective of getting to stay in bed it's not going to be any kind of restful break. It might have been ok if you had space to yourself but with other people in the van, in the way that you describe, it's going to be hard going. What on earth are you going to do with the children when they wake in the morning if there are other people in there sleeping?! I think you might just have to brazen it out and clatter through to get their breakfast etc. or you just aren't going to survive! All I can say is "Good luck!"