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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put DD in a nursery even though I am SAHM?

129 replies

CJ2010 · 14/04/2011 16:18

It would just be for a couple of sessions a week, not full time. I have a few reasons as to why I want to do this -DD is getting bored at home even though I spend lots of time playing with her, the mum and toddler grps local to me are full up with a waiting list and tbh I don't really want to go to one. I would also like to crack on with my housework and get it all done in one go.

I feel so guilty though. My family are very anti nurseries and I never thought I would end up considering Nursery care, but as I am currently heavily pregnant I could do with a couple of mornings a week to just be able to get on with housework and chores.

Do your DC's enjoy nursery? Do you think they benefit socially from it? DD is 15 months.

OP posts:
TandB · 15/04/2011 15:22

Unless your mum is offering an alternative solution at her own expense (of time or money) then she really needs to butt out of your business.

You are the one who knows your child best and you are the one who knows your own needs.

diabolo · 15/04/2011 15:22

For a couple of sessions a week I think it would only benefit your DD, both socially and in terms of your happiness.

Original poster
CJ2010 · 15/04/2011 15:23

diddl - I hear what you're saying, I wasn't asking her permission to do it, I was actually telling her that was my intention and she still let rip.

A good point tho - both sides of the family do tend to try to interfere in our lives and normally I feel strong & assertive enough to tell them where to stick it, but at the moment I just feel so drained.

She keeps trying to phone me, but I'm ignoring her calls. I just can't be arsed.

OP posts:
diddl · 15/04/2011 15:27

Sorry, I was a bit rudeBlush

I think that knowing she´s so against it, I´d just present her with a done deal tbh.

My PFB went to nursery for a couple of mornings just after my 2nd was born.

It brought him out of himself & he was always keen to go & to tell me what he´d done when I fetched him.

Had that not been the case, I wouldn´t have done it, though.

TandB · 15/04/2011 15:29

Forward your number to someone on this thread.

"Sorry CJ2010 can't come to the phone right now as she is having a bad case of lalalalala I can't hear you mum".

diddl · 15/04/2011 15:31

Am curious to know why both families(?) are so against it though?

Original poster
CJ2010 · 15/04/2011 15:35

DP and I , plus our siblings all went to play school. I'm not sure if these places still exisit now? I remember going just before I started school.

They basically think it's cruel to leave a baby in a nursery and believe that all children should be with their parents when they are tiny. I can't pretend that I don't see their logic, however I think we would all want to be with our little ones 24/7 but sometimes for the sake of earning money/sanity you just can't.

OP posts:
CowgirlHerdingCats · 15/04/2011 15:49

Honestly refuse to discuss it - and ignore or counter any jibes.

Sometimes it better to have a little breathing space and have everyone happy then to struggle along coping.

My family had much more help than us and fewer stresses - DH's who worked closer and less hours none of the housing issues and job changes and other stresses we have had. My family didn't see that and they did not have to deal with the fall out of all the coping we have done.

diddl · 15/04/2011 15:55

Maybe they just think that she´s a little young, then because you don´t strictly have to do it, iyswim.

I think mine went to more of a "play school" than a nursery as the child had to be 2 I think and it was only open in the mornings.

This was some years back, though, as they are teenagers now.

But maybe that is more the sort of thing that you might like also-more like a toddler group without the mums!

But if you want a break & no one is offering to help(& maybe they have commitments & can´t, of course), then they can´t really criticise.

And of course you might not want to be reliant on/beholden to family members anyway.

chocadoodle · 15/04/2011 15:59

Yes, play schools do still exist. You often find them being run from church halls,(although not run by church) so you may need to check out their notice boards or church website. They are often less expensive than nurseries too.

My DS goes to play school 2 mornings a week, I am SAHM. He loves it. It's his opportunity to play with other children his age and do all the messy stuff I'd rather not do at home that often. If I thought he didn't like it I wouldn't send him as I don't need to or have to, but I know he does.

Your Mum is BU, it's up to you and DP how you raise your children.

chocadoodle · 15/04/2011 16:02

Ah yes, diddl is right there. The play school my DS attends also has a minimum age requirement of 2 years and it is mornings only and I think most of them are the same. Could still be a good option for the future though. Sorry, I forgot about that bit in my last post.

diddl · 15/04/2011 16:06

Yes, the local church hall, that´s the place to lookGrin

I think there is a price difference as well, because judging by what I´ve read on here, I´m sure we couldn´t have afforded nursery.

CowgirlHerdingCats · 15/04/2011 16:07

Children centres round here do play group sessions - between 2 - 2.5 hours long from 2 to 3 years old once or twice a week. There is also a private pre-school which runs similar sessions from two years again sessions couple of hours few days a week. Child centre prices ranges from 4 to 10 pound per sessions which is about what the private pre-school charges.

corygal · 15/04/2011 16:12

Go for it - sounds a fine idea. She'll probably love it.

springbokdoc · 15/04/2011 16:28

wow, you're mom' s not being particularly helpful is she? Forget it, great for her to say that but when you were a kid I bet she had more family help (as was more common when extended families lived close to each other).

Reading through this just made me more embarrassed because I was that judgey person who thought that SAHM should be a kind of perfect hausfrau 24/7 with their children round them all the time. Now I know how you can just long for a break, to whip through the to do list or just to sit with a cuppa and breathe.

Do it. Hold your head up high and tell your mom to bugger off!

plupedantic · 15/04/2011 16:49

How much have I achieved today?! It's very sad to be happy at having done so much deep-cleaning, but, by God, the house needed it, and DS would have hated it!

As for those saying that nursery didn't work for them, I hope you haven't felt we pro-nursery/childcare posters were slighting you or dismissing your unfortunate experiences. We haven't been, rather, we've been trying to balance the anti-nursery/anti-childcare pressure on the OP. I'm sorry your experiences haven't been good (and, yes, I wouldn't expect them to be). Sad I am thankful that it has worked for us. Smile

howdoyoueatyours · 15/04/2011 17:11

Tell your mum that you will 'cope' with 2 kids because you've already put the bumps name down to start at a week old - that should give her something to rage about!
Do what you think is best - it's none of anyones business but yours.

Whitewithnosugarplease · 15/04/2011 17:27

It really annoys me when people assume that SAHM's have it easy. If you feel you need a break then go for it. I would personally consider a good childminder as I like the whole idea of the home from home thing.

spongefingerssavedmylife · 15/04/2011 17:33

No time to read whole thread but if you can afford it then go for it. A couple of mornings will be fine for her and better to start before new baby rather than just after. My DD got v bored at home when DD2 was tiny, nursery was a godsend! She really benefitted from it.

scottishmummy · 15/04/2011 17:40

you dont need family permission.and if you start off from the premise they have a say in decision making, you will never have any peace or independent decision making again

let them bump gums and gurn about precious moments, and you do what you want

Ephiny · 15/04/2011 17:51

How unhelpful of your mum - wanting a few hours a week to yourself to get things done doesn't mean you 'can't cope' Hmm, and I'm sure your DD will benefit from the experience as well, especially as she gets a bit older and is more able to socialise and play with the other children.

I don't know what some women are thinking sometimes. Maybe it's because they had to do childcare 24/7 when they had young children so can't bear the thought of a woman 'getting away with' doing less as they see it.

TransatlanticCityGirl · 15/04/2011 18:28

CJ2010 tell your mother you're willing to discuss how good or bad of a decision you've made in 17 years time when DD is a full grown adult.

This is the problem - she's not looking at the big picture or the long term view. What exactly does she think is going to happen if you put DD in nursery anyway? Will she be traumatised for life?

I personally don't give a rats a*se what people think of my parenting decisions, because they have no right to judge me until we see the finished product.

tryingtoleave babies are extremely capable of socialisation from a very young age. almost from birth. Did you every stick your tongue out at your 4 week old baby and watch him/her stick theirs back out at you? That's socialising for a 4 week old.

Nope, a 15th month old ain't gonna engage in political conversation at that age or play a civilised game of tea with the queen. But there is a TREMENDOUS amount of brain development going on - they are learning about empathy, self control, boundaries and all sorts of good stuff at that age. They need LOTS of interaction and a rich variety of experiences - not watching mummy doing the housework. Parents who think that simply being in the same room as their child is better than sending them to nursery are kidding themselves.

Nursery is not the answer for everyone. As others have stated, there's other ways to enrich a child's development - play groups, relatives, etc. But seriously.... sticking the kid in front of the TV while mummy is doing the ironing is by far NOT the best choice.

Francagoestohollywood · 15/04/2011 18:32

Today - I volunteer in a local nursery - I watched in Smile as an 11 month old girl and a 10 month old boy blew kisses at each other.

They do socialise. As I said earlier they obviously don't play like a 3 yr old, but they are aware of each other, and you can deffo see whom they like/dislike/laugh with from a very young age.

FlamingJamie · 15/04/2011 19:24

yy Franca - of course they interact with each other - anyone who has more than one child can tell you that. I think for me the choice of childminder vs nursery would depend on how likely to feel overwhelmed by noise and lots of children an individual child would be. DS1 would have had trouble settling, DS2 would have thrived

nethunsreject · 15/04/2011 19:27

Yanbu at all.