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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just stop bothering with dd?

98 replies

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 12/04/2011 13:39

to start with id just like to make it clear i adore the little menace but im thoroughly exhausted.
also this is more a vent than a real aibu. shes 2yrs 4mnths.

im completely and utterly run down with her, we are not coping financially very well atm so between my mum and aunt they brought the kids a few summer clothes, ds had plenty for his money and stays clean, dd refuses to wear most things unless peppa is on it or its pretty so she had a lot less, shes ruined pretty much every outfit in minutes of wearing it, shoes also, how you ruin trainers i dont know. i was so grateful of the help and i know im over reacting but im pretty upset shes stained or snagged, or worse, everything.

she is breaking, damaging and generally being a complete nightmare, shes just thrown her beaker at my sister and cut her head open, i cannot seem to stop her hurricane of nightmare behaviour and ive had enough, dp usually helps out but is sulking at me for being away last week so just ignores all bad behaviour which is driving me to the edge.

shes refusing to eat unless its with a huge dessert spoon and makes such a mess, she wont sleep it takes hours to settle her and then the minute we fall asleep she in our bed meaning one of us, usually me as i cant sleep, ends up in her tiny bed to save the chaos that would follow risking trying to move her back. she permanantly has her hand in her nappy and strips off the minute i dress her,

on a nice day at the beach she spent ages eating sand and running away, no matter how many times i time out her in the buggy she goes straight back to driving me mad. everything is greeted with screeching and NOOO! i took a puzzle away today as she was just throwing it and the noise she made youd think id tried killing her not just packed it away and carried on making the bed.

so would i be unreasonable to dress her in black, or failing that nothing, to stop running myself ragged trying to keep her entertained at days at the beach, parks, walks and all kinds at home and just sit, stick a dvd on and let her empty every toy box and when dp arrives home just go to bed and cry.

her brother is at his wits end too and hes only 3.

OP posts:
NestaFiesta · 12/04/2011 13:43

YANBU. Put a DVD on, dress her in pyjamasa if you like. If she will behave like this no matter what you do, then it doesn't matter what you do! Take your foot off the gas. Give yourself a break. I am still recovering from when my son was 2 and he is 4 now and lovely. Sympathy from me to you.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 12/04/2011 13:44

It's just a phase which will pass. It's not called the terrible twos for nothing.

If your DP doesn't help, swap him for tax credits.

manfromCUK · 12/04/2011 13:47

I think most of this goes with the age - our DD is 8 months older and has done most of this stuff. For day to day stuff we dress her in cheapo outfits and hand-me downs since they always get trashed - mostly she's not doing it on purpose.

She says no to everything too - but we just have to persist with her. Unfortunately they are a bit young to show any proper appreciation (although we do get a random thank you) but the stuff you are doing with her will surely be beneficial in the long term in comparison with a DVD.

I smiled (sorry) on reading most of the stuff she does - as in ours does (or has done) too.

There's no easy answer - but apparently they do improve.

Original poster
JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 12/04/2011 13:49

thanks, feel a bit better now for just having a moan, shes calmed down a bit (for the minute) in a tshirt and a nappy and her brothers shoes (had to bribe him insanely to just let her wear them)

hes watching ice age she has her baby, for the moment atleast we have peace.

you have no idea how tempting it is to swap him for anything atm notsuch.

i spent 4 days training, anyone would think id been to the frigging tropics for r and r.

OP posts:
corygal · 12/04/2011 13:50

YANBU. She will get over it - repeat and breathe, repeat and breathe.

Try going out - the agony may lessen somewhat in fresh air.

BuntyPenfold · 12/04/2011 13:51

ok, where to begin on this...
lots of sympathy for a start, you must be shattered.
Long-term, as she is so young, I think you can give it time, but if this continues you need professional advice, starting with health visitor/GP.
Short-term, I presume you have withdrawn your attention from her and given it to the victim of violence, removed from her diet all possible sources of food additives and artificial colourings and caffeine.
Is she calmer when with your DP? If so, what does he do differently?

dearyme · 12/04/2011 13:51

pick your battles, let the little stuff go

get a playpen and stick her in it in the garden

if she runs away outside, get some reins

jesuswhatnext · 12/04/2011 13:51

well, im about to flamed but hey! Grin - if you have tried all the distraction techniques, stickers/stars, time outs, etc and she still misbehaves i think a smacked bottom might be in order - yep, im an 'old' mum, but it worked!

Original poster
JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 12/04/2011 13:51

i guess its mainly a shock, ds is a poppet, he can whinge for hours but thats all hes ever done thats 'naughty' so to speak, hes mr relaxed, neat and tidy and easy, boy is she a shock to the system

OP posts:
MmeSurvivedLent · 12/04/2011 13:51

Ok. Deep breath.

I think there are several problems here:

  1. You are expecting too much of her
  1. You are allowing her to dictate too much.
  1. Your DH is an arse

She is 2yo. She is not ruining her clothes deliberately. If it gets stained, leave it on her till the end of the day (unless it is truly filthy). She is also quite young to understand the consequences of her actions. Don't expect that of a 2yo.

She doesn't get to dictate which spoon to use, and what clothes to wear. I know it is hard, but you have to crack down on some stuff now as otherwise it will get worse.

Don't worry about what she looks like, if she has a stain on her tshirt, not worth fighting that battle.

It is worth fighting the battle of getting her to sleep in her own bed. Lift her and put her back. Will be a few nights of interrupted sleep, but then you are not getting sleep anyway.

As to your DH, he does not get the luxury of excusing himself for parenting because he is in the huff with you. He is being a complete arse, and has to grow up and be a responsible dad.

Choose one thing a week and work on that, and ignore the other stuff. What bothers you most? Sleeping probably, you would be able to cope better with the other stuff if you were not so tired.

dearyme · 12/04/2011 13:52

yes a smacked bum is definitely an idea if she wont listen

BuntyPenfold · 12/04/2011 13:55

My sister once put her endlessly massively tantruming child in a cold shower. That worked. It probably counts as abuse though.

Original poster
JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 12/04/2011 13:55

shes never had a bad diet, shes a fruit and veg monsters, snacks are that and ricecakes/ driedfruit organix stuff. the only thing shes had in two weeks thats naughty is an mini milk at the beach, she doesnt have anything to drink other than milk and water.

i took her cup away and told her why then dealt with my sister, she threw a huge wobbly, when she was calm i asked her to appolagise, which she does then finds something else to do...

she is worse with dp, they fuel each otherss fire so to speak.

we were out but she was being so naughty i had to come in. we have little life back pack reins which she loves to wear but not so practical in a play area with two of them

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 12/04/2011 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MmeSurvivedLent · 12/04/2011 13:55

No. No smacked bum.

Why would you smack a 2yo's bum for something that she cannot yet understand? She does not have impulse control. She cannot help herself.

She sees something at the beach, "Oh, a pretty shell, I am going to go and see it". Mummy says, "No, stay here". But she wants to see the shell, it is all pretty and shiny. Mummy marches over, smacks her bum and puts her in the buggy.

What does that teach her?

MmeSurvivedLent · 12/04/2011 13:56

FFS. Bunty. Yes, putting a child in a cold shower would be classed as abuse.

As it IS abuse.

Original poster
JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 12/04/2011 13:58

i have no idea what dps problem is hes usually fantastic, im guessing the idea of being home with the kids when i work isnt looking so peachy anymore now hes experienced the reality.

we tried a tap on the bum or wrist and it resulted in her hitting alot, after us only using the method twice so ive stopped, no shower, maybe a spray bottle like they use for dog training lol

OP posts:
StealthyKissBeartrayal · 12/04/2011 14:00

When DS was exactly that age (I know because DD was born) we used to have a huge fight about absolutely everything - getting dressed, not wrecking the place, doing as he was told...
He's 4 now and got lots easier, obv he still has his moments but they are completely manageable.
You obviously got lucky with DS - she will grow out of this!

MmeSurvivedLent · 12/04/2011 14:00

Have you changed roles, JJ? Are you going to work and DP is staying home?

Original poster
JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 12/04/2011 14:00

i was joking about the spray bottle btw.

i always give her two chances/warnings then she is on the naughty step or pushchair etc.

OP posts:
jesuswhatnext · 12/04/2011 14:00

oh here we go! no one said 'hit her'! Hmm - i did say that once all else has failed perhaps a smacked bottom could be the answer!

Flowerpotmummy · 12/04/2011 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BuntyPenfold · 12/04/2011 14:01

I wasn't really suggesting that! It was a much older child who knew he was pushing the boundaries!

Can you lend her to Granny for a few hours? Or overnight, to give you a decent sleep?

Original poster
JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 12/04/2011 14:02

Dp was made redundant a year ago now and has struggled to find any permanant work, a week here or there is pretty much pointless, i was offered a job, only 50hrs a month but permanant and its half decent money, so i took it did four days training and ill start this sunday... im concerned ive made the wrong decission, before anyone asks dd has ALWAYS been difficult, its not because i was away for 4 days.

OP posts:
MmeSurvivedLent · 12/04/2011 14:03

Jesuswhatnext
I am not going to derail JJ's thread with a discussion about the rights and wrongs of smacking as no one will ever make me think that is acceptable parenting.

JJ
it sounds like you are doing the best you can. It is bloody difficult when they are that age, and your DS is not much older. Believe me, it gets easier.