to just stop bothering with dd?

[JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns]

to start with id just like to make it clear i adore the little menace but im thoroughly exhausted.
also this is more a vent than a real aibu. shes 2yrs 4mnths.

im completely and utterly run down with her, we are not coping financially very well atm so between my mum and aunt they brought the kids a few summer clothes, ds had plenty for his money and stays clean, dd refuses to wear most things unless peppa is on it or its pretty so she had a lot less, shes ruined pretty much every outfit in minutes of wearing it, shoes also, how you ruin trainers i dont know. i was so grateful of the help and i know im over reacting but im pretty upset shes stained or snagged, or worse, everything.

she is breaking, damaging and generally being a complete nightmare, shes just thrown her beaker at my sister and cut her head open, i cannot seem to stop her hurricane of nightmare behaviour and ive had enough, dp usually helps out but is sulking at me for being away last week so just ignores all bad behaviour which is driving me to the edge.

shes refusing to eat unless its with a huge dessert spoon and makes such a mess, she wont sleep it takes hours to settle her and then the minute we fall asleep she in our bed meaning one of us, usually me as i cant sleep, ends up in her tiny bed to save the chaos that would follow risking trying to move her back. she permanantly has her hand in her nappy and strips off the minute i dress her,

on a nice day at the beach she spent ages eating sand and running away, no matter how many times i time out her in the buggy she goes straight back to driving me mad. everything is greeted with screeching and NOOO! i took a puzzle away today as she was just throwing it and the noise she made youd think id tried killing her not just packed it away and carried on making the bed.

so would i be unreasonable to dress her in black, or failing that nothing, to stop running myself ragged trying to keep her entertained at days at the beach, parks, walks and all kinds at home and just sit, stick a dvd on and let her empty every toy box and when dp arrives home just go to bed and cry.

her brother is at his wits end too and hes only 3.

i absolutely adore her and im constantly accused of favouring her, i dont, but in truth i just feel like im the only person in the family who truly loves her, shes such a beautiful little girl, and she makes me laugh all the time she talks non stop and sings too, shes always giving hugs and kisses and will do anything to make people smile, shes very endearing, but i guess others just see how hard she can be and it blinds them to the real Lola, when i see her as a whole and can normally block out the little menace bits and grit my teeth and move on.

i know dp loves her, when i had her i was very depressed and found it hard to bond for a few months and he would walk her for hours so me and ds could sleep (we couldnt drive) and he never complained, hes always had a pet name for her and he wishes she was a daddys girl. He was just saying the other night that despite how crap it is us all sharing one room he loves looking at her sleeping because she looks so perfect. he has got it in him, there is just so much angst and stress on top of it right now.

you have all been through so much, I am not surprised that DD is all over the place at the moment. New home, routines, missing family members etc.

DS1 started "outgrowing" his naps soon after his 2nd birthday. He went through a stage of not settling after being a model baby & sleeping through from 7am to 7pm from 6 months (don't worry ds2 put an end to our smugness lol) so we tried to not let him sleep past 2/3ish.

He then seemed to bank-up his sleeps and maybe have a mahoosive 3 hr sleep once or twice a week. Afternoons were hell, but it was summer/early autumn so we would go to the park after lunch till dinner time, go home, put cbeebies on, do dinner, DH would come home & then bath & bed. DS2 was newborn & I have no idea how I managed to BF him during all this time!!!

I also remember whole afternoons being spent putting & keeping DS on the naughty spot. Which in the end has worked really well for us because both Dh & myself have been pretty consistant when using it.

and shamefully I have also resorted to smacking but don't believe it is neccasary - especially when ds2 started hitting back & the shocked heartbroken look he would give me - like you are the one meant to be caring for me - why would you do that. So, yeah I don't do that anymore.

I am now going through the exact same thing again with ds2 who is a little horror and seems to be into so much more than ds1 ever was and much, much naughtier- but then when i talk to family & friends, they all remember ds1 being exactly the same at this age lol!

oh i forgot we use counting also. With the older kids we don't need to even punish and they'll generally do what we want by 3. That's been our most successful. I think your dh needs support (and as i've said in a previous post that's a pita). My dd became a daddys girl through the sahd bit, your dp just has to work out what makes her tick and see the positive in her. now my dh is really glad he had that time with her but at the time I suppose he also felt like he'd failed and it was really stressful dealing with the lack of money.

when I have been working long hours i kind of have to re-remember how to parent my kids. It's difficult because it's through familiarity and remembering how to keep calm. i guess he has to learn those skills/techniques.

Just had a mini brill idea. If Peppa clothes get ruined or too small. You could cut the peppa picture out and sew it onto something else. Would look really nice, and easy to do by hand.

thats a fab idea merry, my mums not to bad at sewing (im terrible) she did all ds name labels for preschool like a pro.

i got her a pack of plain pastel tshirts yesterday really cheap so after a final attempt at cleaning some peppa bits today that will be plan b.

I got the mini-Boden catalogue sent to me (why??? I live in one of the poorest boroughs in the UK and I have never bought/ will never buy anything from them). But anyway, they had lots of appliqued clothes. I tore the pages out and gave them to my Mum to make for my dd! Eg. a simple denim pinafore with a sewn on strawberry in red check gingham. The Peppas will look lovely done like this...(check out Boden website).

thanks merry, she has a couple of plain denim pinafores that were handme downs that she should be the right size for now, will give it a go, think shed like the strawberry idea as much as peppa pig, she loves strawberries

What MmesurvivedLent said - 100%!!

It is going to take some chaos to fix the bad habits but it'll be worth it hun - you don't want it to carry over into the terrible 3's and 4's.

Big Hugs - 2 year old are exhausting.

Hi, I might be repeating what's already been suggested by other mn'etters already, but I found Toddler Taming a really good book, but if you don't have the luxury of time to read it, the main points that I found useful (along with some bits that my psychologist mate has confirmed!) are:

Pick your battles: if it's really not worth digging your heels in over, let it go, saves that day from been a constant telling off / reprimanding / arguing

Praise the positive: focus on the positive and ignore the negative (in other words, lots of praise and attention for good things.. if you feel like a loss at first, even a hug, quick kiss and some comment like 'Haven't you got the most fantastic big smile in the world? while negative things when neccessary, deal with, reprimand however but make it quick so it's not a negative act that is earning lots of attention. It can be really is to get on a roll with a telling off and find it's the most attention you've given the dc all day!

Bad attention is better than no attention: if a child wants attention, quite often if getting told off means they've got your attention, it's better than being ignored...

If you dd is getting independent, and wants to make her own chice about something but you want to control things (eg, you are going out and want her to wear a half decent outfit, not a swimming costume and odd socks, give her choice so she thinks she has made her own decision but where you need it you have had your influence.

I found most of this advice helped me keep my sanity, might not be every one's cup of tea, but hope it helps!

haven't anything to add, other than to say I've learned loads from this - DD is 2.3 and going through many of the same things (I have had her rolled up under my arm yelling at least twice today!). She's actually pretty good, but everything is a battle. So she wants to eat her porridge standing up at the counter - she just stands there and eats it - so I decided not to turn this into a battle. Safety is paramount, not hurting people (or animals) likewise, please and thank you, not too many sweets (also going to steal the choc/banana trick) but she's a child and she wants to know what everything is, how it works. Distraction and turning flashpoints into games works a lot of the time. But I do feel like I am being tested and I am not sure that I am passing the test!

She is a sharp one though - so if she starts pouring her drink, you say, 'DD, I am going to take that off you', she instantly starts drinking it again, whilst looking over her shoulder at you - so technically she has complied - until you look away again...

She sounds like a typical toddler. Much of what she does, my dd does too. And it was a huge shock, because dd1 was such a placid, easy going girl who did everything I told her to, went everywhere I wanted her to & slept on cue until she was 3!

Dd2 is a tantrumy, throwing battle of will little girl, but I have choose to decide which battles to fight very carefully.

We do not allow hitting (not that she does really) throwing, stamping feet. If she throw the item she threw is removed. She once threw a Thomas train at dd1, so I took away the entire collection for a week.

I don't care how she eats, I put it in front of her, she gets what she wants to use that day (fork, spoon, adult, child etc) and off she goes. I don't worry about mess, because I refuse to buy her nice clothes for everyday stuff. She is in cheepies, hand-me-downs or charity shop stuff.

Stains & toddlers just go together. What can you do?

The best way to keep my dd 'out of trouble' is to occupy her. I have several age inappropriate toys that I play with her with, because her age range bores her senseless. She has beads etc, as she is better occupied with intricate stuff to do. She would rather play with her sister's toys than hers. I just go with it, just make sure she is fully supervised.

I don't go to playgroups, dd hates that environment. But she does child care once a week & thrives.

If she could, she would live in Thomas/Chuggington stuff, namely pjs. But I can't afford to kit her out with labelled stuff all the time, nor do several washes a week, so it's tough, she wears what she wears or goes naked! (Not happened yet).

A few things that get me through

STOP comparing your children. They are 2 individual beings.

Be consistent. Be Persistent.

Don't think that she is acting the way she is to piss you off. She is being 2. She is exploring her world around her. Mainly.

weve had a better few days with madam, she wore pale lemon outfit today and it stayed spotless, simply explaining when she poured her drink, was silly with snack and eating mud her peppa clothes were ruined and now they arent nice anymore stopped the silliness, i have no issue with normal mess but she was being a gremlin spitting chewed food out etc, unaware of consequences obviously, and i now realise this

we are picking battles carefully, she has her big spoon and makes a mess so she eats naked, but she eats, and she actually asked for a little spoon today, im hoping thats a breakthrough.

she kept running of today at a bowling party the dcs were invited to, so for a change i thought instead of attempting to hold on to her so i asked her to find a table we could sit at and wed have a snack and get the cars out 2hrs later i left stress free, and ds enjoyed himself as he wasnt turning round to find i'd vanished again. so another result.

the only REAL issue we have atm is with both dcs, ds can now completely unbuckle himself in car, and dd is so narrow (and double jointed) she can just kinda fold herself inwards and pop through the middle of the harness. so much for 5pt seatbelts being safest, my houdinis are defeating them, im really paranoid about carseat safety and always have the straps tightened correctly, i have no idea how to stop them, ive taken away the in car dvd players, and banned toys, nothing seems to work. Im considering making dp pull over and me and offending child get out and he drives off? see how that goes.

Re the car seats, I wouldn't get out of the car with the offender & let dp drive off. What if he is on his own with them? What if you have to get them both out & walk with them both? What then?

You need to stop the behaviour.

My dd did this, and I used her (removable) strap covers. I took them off the straps & clipped them together, making one big cover, then wrapped them around both straps, over her chest, and clipped them together again. That stopped her being able to squeeze through the straps.

Your older dc needs to be told not to unlock them. He is old enough to understand. Give him consequence.

What a tough time you are having. I agree though that it all sounds terribly familiar stuff.

For your dp winding up your daughter, we had a similar thing with my dh and ds - we did love bombing and it made a difference for us.

Basically, taking a few minutes to sit down on sofa/floor looking into eyes and saying 'I love your hands' and touching them, 'I love your nose' touching nose etc etc.

Sounds massively corny I know but 4 years later he still comes and asks for 'I love you time' when he's having a bad day.

she is probably looking for attention. Hard as it is, you could try praising her every time she does something good ( or at least not naughty). It doesn't need to be over the top praise, just a commenting "Susie is using a fork like a big girl." or "thank you for playing nicely Susie" is enough.

And I'd definitely do a supernanny on the sleeping.

My dd is the same age. I agree with what MMeLent said much earlier in the thread:

1. You are expecting too much of her - she is 2 years old. This is the time that she is realising she's a separate person and is trying to establish her independence. I have learned that I will drive myself crazy if I try and control everything and I think this may be a large source of your stress. Having said that....

1. You are allowing her to dictate too much. Toddlers need boundaries, decide what these are and then be firm about it. But as everyone else has said pick your battles. These should be the joint battles because....

1. Your DH is an arse. Never ceases to amaze me the number of women who say that their dh is great because he "helps". No, he shouldn't be "helping" at all he should be co-parenting. You need to set your own boundaries around this and have that mind set. It sounds to me like you try and do too much because he can't cope with her because she isn't conforming to what he expects. Why does he get to opt out and leave you to deal with the bad behaviours? More importantly, why do YOU let him/take over?

It sounds like you have had a really tough 12 months and could do without these stresses. I really feel for you. I think boundaries, picking battles and your dh co-parenting so you're not coping with dd alone are your keys to relieving some stress. Take care.

Read "The Incredible Years - A Trouble-Shooting Guide For Parents of Children Aged 2 - 8 Years" by Carolyn Webster-Stratton.

Seriously.

Id say defo never smack a child...she will jutting that hitting is the norm and then you will have even more trouble when she hits others and you.
I know its hard. My daughter started doing all these things when number 2 came along. Most of the behaviour is attention seeking and seeing how far she can push you.
Having a time-out step worked great for us. The dvds are only like a band aid for you to have some quiet time, find fun for her to do that involves make believe play lots of drawing etc. Also you have to stick to what you say...no giving in...if you say no really mean it. My dd now understands that if she is naughty when we are outout then welcome straight home. She will learn. You just need to be strong and control any anger or frustration you have as she will play on it!
As for the dh i have much empathy for you, i have spoken to many a woman about my dh lack of involvement and i always get the same answer...."what do you expect he is just a man!" seems that from the beginning of time men have been this way!!!

Just catching up with your later posts. Gosh, it has been a hard year for you all. No wonder nerves are frayed.

The love bombing idea that Gaps suggested is a great one. Or make it a regular occurence that DH reads a book and does bedtime cause you are busy tidying the kitchen (basically make yourself scarce).

I don't think that little girls are automatically Daddy's Girls, your DH will have to work at strengthening the bonds - which will happen now anyway when he spends more time with her.

DS did the taking off the seatbelt thing. The only thing that helped was being incredibly consequent - pull over and do not drive on until the seatbelt is fastened. You may have to allow yourself an extra 30 mins on each journey for a week, but they will get the message.

If you can manage to be going someplace they really love the first couple of times, they will learn faster.

hi ladies.

sorry for my long absence, had a very two weeks at the new job, really enjoying it, just shattered!

Dd has come on leaps and bounds, the naughty step is now in place and the carseat incident we just pull over wait for her to pop arms back in and if she persists the dvd player is removed, no peppa pig dvd seems to have worked now its happened repeatedly. She really is being a good little girl.

In respects to the clothes we now have a rule that if she wants to go play in the mud and sand and climb she needs to pop her garden jacket on or tshirt/shorts. And it works she now goes and gets her bag when she wants to go outside and shes also not being an animal when she eats as she seems to have grasped the fact that i then need to change her clothes, she said, ''eat nicely, wear peppa'' With regards to her being in control i now get out two outfits and she can choose which one, the peppa obsession is almost under control as im pointing out colours/flowers etc while we get the clothes out, distraction is a brilliant tool.

Dp has stepped up, me working has meant hes been thrown in at the deep end with dd and its worked wonders, they are much closer and i can see hes changed how he talks and behaves around her and she's finally calling him daddy.

She still has her wobblys and sometimes kicks and screams about no peppa clothes etc but things are improving, we go through the motions and do not give in.

Ds is far happier as a result and things are more manageable.

*very busy i mean

Great update! Glad things seem to be easier!