to just stop bothering with dd?

[JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns]

to start with id just like to make it clear i adore the little menace but im thoroughly exhausted.
also this is more a vent than a real aibu. shes 2yrs 4mnths.

im completely and utterly run down with her, we are not coping financially very well atm so between my mum and aunt they brought the kids a few summer clothes, ds had plenty for his money and stays clean, dd refuses to wear most things unless peppa is on it or its pretty so she had a lot less, shes ruined pretty much every outfit in minutes of wearing it, shoes also, how you ruin trainers i dont know. i was so grateful of the help and i know im over reacting but im pretty upset shes stained or snagged, or worse, everything.

she is breaking, damaging and generally being a complete nightmare, shes just thrown her beaker at my sister and cut her head open, i cannot seem to stop her hurricane of nightmare behaviour and ive had enough, dp usually helps out but is sulking at me for being away last week so just ignores all bad behaviour which is driving me to the edge.

shes refusing to eat unless its with a huge dessert spoon and makes such a mess, she wont sleep it takes hours to settle her and then the minute we fall asleep she in our bed meaning one of us, usually me as i cant sleep, ends up in her tiny bed to save the chaos that would follow risking trying to move her back. she permanantly has her hand in her nappy and strips off the minute i dress her,

on a nice day at the beach she spent ages eating sand and running away, no matter how many times i time out her in the buggy she goes straight back to driving me mad. everything is greeted with screeching and NOOO! i took a puzzle away today as she was just throwing it and the noise she made youd think id tried killing her not just packed it away and carried on making the bed.

so would i be unreasonable to dress her in black, or failing that nothing, to stop running myself ragged trying to keep her entertained at days at the beach, parks, walks and all kinds at home and just sit, stick a dvd on and let her empty every toy box and when dp arrives home just go to bed and cry.

her brother is at his wits end too and hes only 3.

Ps. let her eat sand. She will soon stop as it's disgusting! If she knows it's going to get a rise from you, she will do it just to wind you up!

This is a time of lots of change and stress for you and your DH - you need to talk this out with him, after the dc are in bed.

My advice is that you ask around or on freecycle to get more clothes for her, stuff you won't feel guilty about when they are stained or torn.

Maybe speak to your HV about sleep training.

best of luck

I feel your pain. I'm going through the same thing with my 2.9 year old. Recently took him to the beach and he legged it and ran straight in the sea fully clothed with his leather shoes on. Got to him just in time before a wave would have knocked him over. Then he proceeded to eat the sand and had to be dragged off the beach screaming after only 15 minutes. I was looking at all the other toddlers playing nicely and just thought 'what is wrong with me?'. It's odd because he was an absolute angel until he was 2. I really hope it passes soon.

I figured with my daughter it wasn't helped by the fact that I decided one was good and one wasn't. Also I talked to dd1 when dd2 was a baby but dd2 was largely ignored. I think it's something to do with being a second, with tiredness of parents, and with just not being able to devote all your time to them like you do with pfb (for us anyway).

DH was also a sahd at this point and I worked as he couldn't get any. He decided to retrain in the end as it looked hopeless - we did get through it but I found it frustrating being constantly supportive and trying not to criticise - as well as being skint. sympathies there too.

HipHop I am not against time out if it works, as it does for your child.

It isn't working with the OP's little girl though, and my guess is that she doesn't yet make the connection with her behaviour and the sanction.

I also think that she wants to run and run on the beach for the simple fun of it - that isn't naughty, of course she has no understanding of waves, tides, getting lost, strangers or anything else; she is just exhilarated.

My thoughts are with you op !

My dd is 2.6 and Im going through the exact same thing.
I've never met anyone who could make me so mad and so happy in the space of a few minutes !

Im just hoping that as everyone says its a phase that we will survive, Hopefully with my mind entact !

holly molly there are two of them.. You have just described my just 2yo son..

I know this doesn't help you one bit but I am so glad it isn't just me. My 4yo daughter is suffering to but she now looks at me and says mummy remember this too is just a phase . I think i have been repeating this over and over for weeks.....

I am hoping that as ds is goign trough the terriable twos (something which dd never did) it means that he will not be a threenager (something that dd became the minute she hit 3)

Agree Bunty.

I think that 2yo is young for time out (although we did it too) - or young for them understanding why they are on the naughty step. Different if it is for throwing a cup, but for just being an overexcited toddler and running towards the sea - they just don't get why mummy is so upset.

A really great book to help with all this is:
Postive Discipline by Jane Nelson and Erwin.

I agree that you need to pick your battles and channel her energies into something positive. Ok, so she has views about what clothes to wear - that is great! She is developing her personality. Lay a few options out each morning and she can choose from them. etc etc.

I'd also look at your own behaviour. eg: your husband won't be teaching your daughter not to yell if he is yelling at her. Lower your voice and speak calming rather than getting worked up by her.

Oh and the other thing is to work out your own triggers and do what you can to help yourself e.g. with my dc, I can remain calm and good-humoured about lots of behaviour but not hitting. One day I realised that everytime there was hitting my voice goes up about fifteen octaves and I sound like a shrieky old wench and then ds would start laughing and I would feel apoplectic with rage! So now if there is hitting I make a conscious effort to lower my voice and say NO once and act to remove dc from the situation, and not get into a big ranty nonsense about how naughty it is etc etc. The other thing I did that was massively helpful was to buy a massive roll of vinyl from the city markets to put under the high chair (takes up half the room!) as I could feel my hackles rising every time the food mess issue started up as I seemed to be endlessly washing the floor..

If what gets you through is dressing them in black/used clothes/pyjamas because your stress levels go through the roof when there's another load of washing to be done, then that's a reasonable adjustment to keep yourself sane, I'd say. They won't know the difference and it doesn't interfere with you teaching them boundaries etc.

I huge sympathy for what you're going through, I really do. My first DD has always been very, very much her own person and very focussed on her own agenda. My second is more easy-going and happy-go-lucky but the first one was a real piece of work - particularly when she was a toddler.

I used to read and re-read the book "Toddler Taming" by Christopher Green when my first daughter was two, desparate for the answer.

The bad news is that there is no magic answer... It's just a case of getting through it as best you can - figuring out what works for you and your DD and letting go of the rest of it. As others have said, it's not called the terrible twos for nothing. But it WILL pass! It always does.

Just a couple of points to share:

When my DD was two, she would only eat from a ELC dolly's tea-set. I would get wound up and want her to eat from normal plates etc but a friend of mine told me to let it go, so I did. Once I started serving every meal to her on the dolly's tea-set it became mundane and the fad passed. If I'd have dug my heels in, I expect it would have lasted far longer. I'd let your DD eat with the big spoon until it's not a novelty any more.

My DD was also always really, really messy and always covered in crap. I decided it was only worth having one or two nice things to wear (for parties or whatever) the rest of the time she was in a navy sweatshirt and dungarees. Could you find a navy Peppa Pig tracksuit and buy her two of them? One on and one in the wash?

I also used to strip my DD off and only let her have paints and messy stuff in the garden.

Similarly, we used to have "picnics" whenever possible so that I could feed her outside. Used to arrange to meet other Mums and toddlers at the park over tea-time so that all the all the squished crusts, spilt juice/ yoghurt and so on happened outside. Time the arrival home to be just in time to put her straight into a bubble bath.

Finally, don't hesitate to stick a DVD on - it's a sanity saver and buys you some "out" time.

My DD is now 17 and is still very much her own person but (most of the time) in a very good way. She's also immaculate the whole time - a real fashionista. Loves clothes, beauty routines, the whole shebang.

Lovely as she is (and she really is) I'd love to parachute myself back to the toddler days for a snuggle with the soft, squidgey, wriggley little bod smelling of Infacare... (after the bath, that is!).

I'm sure your DD is lovely. Just want to say hang on in there..

i was letting her run pretty much free on the beach, we had an area to ourselves, as such between two groynes and she was a poppet for ages then suddenly decided to keep running up the ramp to the path and leg it as fast as she can. I allow her a fair bit of freedom as she bucks against any restraint, and the group we were with were mainly older children (7 and 10yro) the eating sand thing, well i genuinely think she enjoys it, her first trip to the beach was at around 6mo, she ate it then, we visit almost weekly from this time of yr right through until september as we are 15-20min away and its good free fun, and even visit in colder months in snow suits lol, and she ALWAYS eats sand and licks stones and ive ignored it for the past 4 visits and its not working....

ive given up on her clothes today, she has ds denim shorts on and a navy peppa tshirt and ds old shoes, she is happy being a little muck monster in grandmas garden.

the issue over the clothes is my biggest bug bear, we were quite comfortable financially and they always had nice clothes, shoes etc weve been skint for so long that when she has nice things im obsessed with them staying nice and she so loves wearing pretty things she gets so excited when somethings pretty or more so when its peppa, and i guess its all down to guilt that i cant just provide it all like i used to. luckily some of her peppa things are navy (asda i love you) and theyre surviving well.
think im going to invest in some denim shorts for her theyre faring quite well.

thanks for the advice.

I am the only one who doesn't really care about the eating sand thing? My daughter does it all the time and we just tease her about it because it is yucky. She is starting to lose interest in it. I reckon pick your battles...

it wouldnt bother me one bit if she didnt grind her teeth with it... i have sensitive teeth and it just sets them on edge, i can usually ignore it, i dont ever punish her for it, just attempt to distract her

From what I have read it sounds like your DD is just a typical toddler and your problems with her behaviour are more about your reactions than her actual behaviour. It is not a criticism, just something to be aware of.

eg: all kids eat sand but it particular bothers you because you have sensitive teeth and it sets you on edge.

I notice it with myself. When I have most wanted to smack my DD it has been more about the state of mind I am in (stressed about money, flustered, tired etc) than the actual behaviour per se. That is not to say that she doesn't engage in unacceptable behaviour but what makes it harder for me to handle on some occasions is the space I am in. And then when I get stressed she just gets more and more out of control.

One thing which I don't understand is why certain segments of your post(s) aren't getting more attention. Because they leap out at me as bigger problems, long term, than the niggles you're going through with DD (which you've already had some lovely, practical advice on, which is great ).

e.g.

dp usually helps out but is sulking at me for being away last week so just ignores all bad behaviour

You also mentioned that you've had to take a job working 50hrs per month.

Whilst you've not really given too much detail on what the real story is here, these 4 things do concern me.

1. If your DH is ignoring your DD's bad behaviour to "punish" you, this isn't a healthy routine. And frankly, strikes me as immature. That's not how co-parenting works in normal families, and will become more stressful if that power play isn't nipped in the bud ASAP.

2. Your DH was "sulking" at you for being away on training for your new job. Is he 100% supportive of your paid employment? If not, why not - does he feel hard done by, forced into the SAHP role? Does he feel ashamed at not being able to provide? What are his alternative solutions re: the money issues if you didn't take this job?

Crossing his arms and sulking over it doesn't pay the bills, so he needs to either get on board with the family effort of paying them, or figure out why he feels it's ok to punish his wife for trying to provide for your DD.

3. Even if he isn't 100% supportive of you taking on paid employment, why does he feel it's acceptable to vent his disagreement in this way? Is he generally quite traditional and doesn't feel happy at becoming a SAHD, or maybe he's not very confident? What's the story behind this childishness, truly?

4. Your DH doesn't "help" you out. He perfoms equivalent parenting duties to the offspring you have both created.

I agree frgr. I also noticed the part where the OP describes the DH and DD as winding each other up. I'd like to hear more about that. Reading between the lines it sounds like that means DD feeds off/mimics DH's behaviour and vice versa. It is concerning that DH obviously behaves like a two year old. He is the adult!

chaya, precisely!

I hate this phrase,but he should be setting the OP's DD a good example, and showing a united front with her on some of these parenting issues feeds into that. Nevermind treating his wife with a little bit of respect.

I know we've all sulked at our partners for various trivial things, myself included - but really - a grown man punishing his wife by letting his DD act out because she went away on work training to help out their struggling finances? Beggars belief It's not trivial, and it's not how a grown man should be acting.

I've started making my 3 year old DDs clothes. Fabric is CHEAP...lovely cotton at the market...pretty prints and plain or gingham....she has basic little elasticted waist skirts and basic A Line pinafores. Cheap T SHirts and leggings.

Saves a fortune...do you know anyone with a sewing machine?

And stop pandering to her demands for Peppa Pig clothing! My DD got some for her birthday and the quality is awful! Just make her wear what you want..I learned the hard way and my older DD is now like bloody Princess Fine-Thang due to my allowing her too much choice!

I also trim my DDs dresses and skirts with nice ribbon etc...they're very pretty.

depends how good your market is!

Where I used to live the only fabric shops sold nothing cheaper than £20pm!

I haven't found any here yet.

as a family in the last 18mnths we have dealt with alot, ive lost a grandma who brought me up, and a younger brother, dps family lost there business and his dad had several heart attacks and his gps in a serious accident. also his redundancy, i had a mc around that time. car accident which resulted in the car being written off. and the final straw was his parents selling our house which we rented from them, so feb 14th we became homeless. since then we have stayed in a bnb.

its all a bit shit and its obviously affected us both quite alot. before hand we worked really well together and neatly fell into line as a couple and as parents, one would just step in where the other stepped back, it was seamless.

I think maybe hes resented all the time ive had away from the chaos of our lives and feels jealous maybe, my friend has taken me out a couple of times, he arranged that though, also training and i babysat for someone.

with regards to him and dd winding one another up, thats exactly how it is, he struggles with her, always has shes a mummys girl, as a baby she wouldnt accept ebm from him in the evenings so i could take turns settling ds. she would lay silently mouth shut, he couldnt settle her and so on. she completely ignores him when he diciplines her, hes given the cold shoulder so to speak, and hes always treated them completely equally its just she was bf for 1yr, ds wasnt. he has alot less patience than me so its easier if i just take over before it results him her getting loud, him getting loud, ds getting involved and all of them forgetting why it all started, dd isnt naughty really, just a bit of a pita.

he ignores them waiting for me to take control even when im busy, as far as hes concerned him playing of his frigging phone is a million times more important than anything im doing, fair enough its only mumsnet but why is what im doing less important than him?

i doubt he is too eager to be a sahd but there is NO option, he has to, its not permanant just until we are housed, he is the driver so he is needed to get ds to school a 20min drive from bnb, he also cant find stable work, its a no brainer

hes back from his meeting now and has sat with her for ages talking which shes loved but the minute she notices me watching hes given the cold shoulder again, i guess that makes him feel a bit unloved.

DD is a bit of a control freak ive noticed that through typing this thread, the spoon thing i can let go, shes never been a clean child so mealtimes are usually a nekid affair anyway.

anyone have any advice re naps? shes always needed a 2hr nap but recently stopped sleeping at night, would take upto4 hrs to settle and wake hourly so we stopped the naps and now she is sleeping alot better but grumpy and tired maybe 3 days out of 7

thanks for the advice again

so there's more to this. you've been through shit recently i'm not surprised it's hard. Maybe when i said 'find somethign to love about her' it should be find something he can love about her. My dh spent a lot of time as a sahd playing playstation. DD loved watching it but he just didn't enjoy it like i did or understand about the socialising stuff.

ds dropped naps a while ago. Makes the afternoons tough as he's much more tired and behaves worse. We have a quiet time in front of the telly at the time he used to nap.

Naps. Hideous time, this transition. We're in a similar situation. I have twins, and they seem to swap and change about. 1 will go a week without any naps, and then change over again. We also have 'downtime' in front of TV. Sometimes they fall asleep. At one point as I was putting them down every other day, but only allowing 1 hr.

merry, that sounds like a great idea, going to give that a go. she just tried to steal a nap on dps lap but we cant let her at this time of day or she will be up all night, offered her a biscuit and some milk and shes got a bit more energy