to just stop bothering with dd?

[JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns]

to start with id just like to make it clear i adore the little menace but im thoroughly exhausted.
also this is more a vent than a real aibu. shes 2yrs 4mnths.

im completely and utterly run down with her, we are not coping financially very well atm so between my mum and aunt they brought the kids a few summer clothes, ds had plenty for his money and stays clean, dd refuses to wear most things unless peppa is on it or its pretty so she had a lot less, shes ruined pretty much every outfit in minutes of wearing it, shoes also, how you ruin trainers i dont know. i was so grateful of the help and i know im over reacting but im pretty upset shes stained or snagged, or worse, everything.

she is breaking, damaging and generally being a complete nightmare, shes just thrown her beaker at my sister and cut her head open, i cannot seem to stop her hurricane of nightmare behaviour and ive had enough, dp usually helps out but is sulking at me for being away last week so just ignores all bad behaviour which is driving me to the edge.

shes refusing to eat unless its with a huge dessert spoon and makes such a mess, she wont sleep it takes hours to settle her and then the minute we fall asleep she in our bed meaning one of us, usually me as i cant sleep, ends up in her tiny bed to save the chaos that would follow risking trying to move her back. she permanantly has her hand in her nappy and strips off the minute i dress her,

on a nice day at the beach she spent ages eating sand and running away, no matter how many times i time out her in the buggy she goes straight back to driving me mad. everything is greeted with screeching and NOOO! i took a puzzle away today as she was just throwing it and the noise she made youd think id tried killing her not just packed it away and carried on making the bed.

so would i be unreasonable to dress her in black, or failing that nothing, to stop running myself ragged trying to keep her entertained at days at the beach, parks, walks and all kinds at home and just sit, stick a dvd on and let her empty every toy box and when dp arrives home just go to bed and cry.

her brother is at his wits end too and hes only 3.

Oh yes, terrible twos, lower your standards, and practise damage limitation. I stopped going to baby swimming, and a couple of other activities at this exact age with DS1 as he was an utter nightmare. I lost count of the amount of times I carried him out of a public place under my arm like a shrieking roll of carpet.

Pick your battles. I agree the spoon thing isn't important, I'd say not throwing things indoors like cups and sleep routine are more important.

x posted!, i see your little girl is plainly quite bright - i think i would go with rewarding good behaviour and ignoring the bad - she sounds like she could well respond positivly to that!

It could be that your DP is jealous that he is going to be the SAHD (and perhaps a bit terrified of the prospect). Have you had a decent chat about it?

bunty- my mum has two young dcs of her own aged 2 and 6 of her own and the mil is a no no, shes smacked her, hard, and is now not having any time without me around. and tbh none of the family will look after her, its always ''well always have jj hes a poppet, no bother'' etc etc, but bean is another matter..

Once at nursery we had a very aggressive child who hurt the other children maybe 9 or 10 times a half day. It was very hard to know what to do without isolating him. A behavioural expert told us to:

never use a naughty step/time out with him as he did not understand it.

ignore him every time he hurt someone, busily comfort the hurt one, give the aggressor no attention of any sort, not telling off, not a glare, nothing.

make sure to praise him effusively for any tiny moment of good behaviour.

Jesus- i think thats a good idea, we have a magentised reward chart from toilet training ds so going to dig that out.

Mme- he encouraged me to do it as its the only sensible option atm and hes great with the kids, did lots with them last week and coped very well, spent some time at my mums and everyone said they were all ok. maybe hes having a wobble with address that once the kids are asleep tonight

Bunty i will try that, thank you

hi dd2 is 6 and was similar to your dd when the same age. I also had dd who was 2 years older. I found it really difficult and I found her really difficult. ds is now 2and a half and i love everything he does (I lost one in between and I think that's affected my outlook plus I don't ahve to deal with a baby and toddler this time). I feel so guilty that I found dd2 so difficult - looking back i'm not sure i gave her enough love. i used to find dd1 so easy and she was really well behaved then I had this little monster.

A few suggestions that have helped me (on the good days and as she's got older) :

1. Dont worry about how she looks - ds is filthy all day long, i don't expect anything less
2. Try and find things about her that you love
3. dd works really well with praise, i suggest ignor the bad behaviour focus on the good. the other day dd1 got breakfast ready on her own and sorted out ds, I was shocked and so pleased I couldn't help mentioning it. When we finished dd2 cleared up - even asking how to stack dishwasher(sibling rivalry for a good cause) - she is now in charge of dishwasher stacking and is really proud of herself. (dd2 still has a lot of rebel in her, although the dreadful phase is now finished)
4. when I say ignore bad behaviour i mean that dd2 used to want to wind me up so I'd turn it into a joke, eg. she'd be on about chocolate and I'd say and you can't have a banana either so there, she'd then want a banana which Id give in over. or we'd be in the middle of a tantrum and I'd grab her in a huge tight hug and tell her how much I loved her and tickle her to death.

5 agree with picking your fights. i don't tell them what to wear unless I think they'll be ill ie. bikini in snow, they have to wear leggings and a vest underneath.

Anyway I wish I hadn't been like that and I regret the fact that I didn't enjoy dd2 at the time. I think she's great now but she was so different to my first and I was so knackered....

Ah, she's 2- honestly they are loopy at this age!

She'll get there- ignore the bad, praise the good, keep the rules consistent, and scream into your pillow when she's out of earshot

Have a and a - this will pass.

Manitz
I am stealing your choc/banana trick. That is good.

tbh, it sounds to me like as a family you have all had a lot of stress in the last year! take all the ideas from here that you think will work and dont be too hard on yourself or her (shes bright, she will be picking up on hte household vibes!) and give yourself credit for the fact you have a bright vibrant lovley little girl with a bit of spirit!

Me too!

I have a 2yo that won't say sorry if she is tired. Whose got tips for that?

You sound at the end of your tether.
Get support. Friends, family, whoever can step in and plan it so you get a break regularly once or twice a week.

She is 2, its normal behaviour. She is testing testing testing the boundaries.
Its exhausting but it will get better. DS was like this and I was pg at the time. Now he is 3 he is much more amenable and eager to please.

Bunty gives good advice.

totally agree the choc/banana trick is inspired i will be trying that out today no doubt.

think im going to hit the park again, ds is booooooooored (his words) its raining but we have wellies. thanks for all the helpfull replies, ill check in later.

Sorry you are having such a rough patch OP, I sadly, have no great advice, except that she won't be 2 forever, it doesn't matter if her clothes get rirty, and your DP sounds like an arse, really not fair to leave you to deal with all this on your own.

LaWeasel
I am in the "Don't force apologies" camp - no point in forcing an apology out of a child who isn't actually sorry for what she has done. DS refused to apologise to his teacher yesterday, and she said that he could go home and draw a picture instead, as an apology. He did so, with a drawing of "moi" and "toi" (teacher).

Why does she sound very bright??? Sorry, but I hate it when it has to because they are "bright" . She just sounds like a very normal boisterous toddler to me, who wants to explore the world without boundaries but scream the world down when she realises that's not quite allowed.

JJ, it's such a hard age. I have worked with this age group in the past and although they seem so much more grown up because maybe they have a bit of language and they can run about, they are still really babies. But babies that you have to start to reign in, when they have no clue why you are doing it and when they still have the memory spans of goldfish in many ways.

What's your bottom line? You need to work this out. For me, dirty clothes/eating sand/running away/throwing puzzles about are all simply normal (if totally annoying) behaviour. Not behaviour I would ignore (because your job is as much as anything to show the boundaries at this age) but certainly not behaviour that is naughty. The general rule we were taught to follow in childcare settings was warn, repeat and remove e.g. "No throwing" when you see she's about to chuck the puzzle, "no throwing" (sterner voice and face) when she chucks it and "no throwing" and remove the puzzle third time. Plus lots and lots and lots of praise if they cotton on and don't throw the thing. But it takes WEEKS of patience, perseverance and hauling them about a room like that proverbial carpet roll before that materialises. It won't work overnight.

Did you know that they don't understand why-because at this age? Not really until about 3ish? So all the explanation in the world makes not one whit of difference. Show/do rather than tell. A Speech Therapist told me that once, and it opened my eyes. The other thing we were told was that they are like scientists, testing to see where our boundaries are.. every single time we behave differently when they do x, they assume it's a variation to the rule.. so if you say "no" to something one day and not the next, they will deliberately test the rule a few more times to see if they can work out the boundaries.. so it's consistency and the boredom and monotony of repetition, repetition, repetition for a bit, I think. It sucks when you're wrecked but if you can crack down on it now when you can still pick her up and put her in a playpen you will save yourself years of hassle.

Cautionary tale: SIL's little girl was allowed to choose her clothes every day from the age of two, also choose food. At 7, she will throw an ALMIGHTY tantrum if her preferred "Barbie" knickers are unavailable and has to be hauled out of the house kicking and screaming like, a, well, two year old. It ain't worth it. It's exhausting but YOU CAN DO IT!!

yeah it mostly works except when it doesn't

As ds is same age as your bean he's in the same stage of behaviour. Bites now and then and also likes to throw stuff around. Stabbed me with a blunt knife the other day. I reserve my very very stern voice for violence and if he hits other kids he is on naughty step until he apologises. I have no idea if it works but I just don't get wound up by him at all, like I used to with dd, just think it's cos I know it wont last. I have to follow him around at groups instead of ignoring him and gossiping with my friends but, as I always assume hes in the wrong, at least then I know what I'm telling him off for.

Some people will say it's too early but I started timing DD out at aged 2 for this kind of behaviour - just followed the Supernanny points. It worked with her really well (sometimes she would time herself out - great!!! She would lose it and then take herself off to cool down).

I buy most of DD's clothes off ebay - cheap and I never have to be precious about them.

She will get better. re the eating DD was a fab baby, nightmare 2 year old (fussy fussy fussy) and at the moment at 3.5 is eating anything and everything that isn't nailed down. Don't make too big a deal about it - offer food, ignore any fusses, don't pander too much etc.

Our childminder uses "good listening" and rewards GL with sticker charts etc - worked really well and we used it very successfully. It's simple, covers a multitude of behaviour and quite easy for the child to focus on.

Be kind to yourself.

and I agree with Innish, much better if you can anticipate the behaviour and catch it before someone gets hurt - for many reasons.

Good post, Innish. The boundaries thing is so obvious really, when you think about it.

I'm not sure how I feel about apologies.

The best tactic I have so far, is to catch things before she does them. If I say no in advance (and threaten with naughty spot if she keeps doing it) she is generally good.

But when she does random unexpected things because she is tired, like biting DH right before bedtime, naughty stepping doesn't work, and I end up putting her to bed without getting an apology. Which infuriates me, because she is apologising for stuff that isn't that bad, but not for things that are!

I think you need to figure out what she responds to. My ds1 responded well to isloation (time out in another place/ room to everyone else). He likes being part of everything. He also responds REALLY well to praise and encouragement, so I try to remember to use that when he's being good, so he WANTS to behave. My dd seems to quite like time out so I am still figuring her out. She hates being told off, and feeling like I'm very angry, it seems to work better for her. Ds2 is like ds1, he loves hugs and positive attention so try to give that a lot and time out for the bad stuff. Figure out what makes her tick. Maybe witholding something she likes? For a tantrum (my dd has these a lot as she's 2.5!), I put her in her cot/ bedroom with baby gate on and this actually calms her down a lot quicker as she doesn't have an audience.

Clothes-wise...maybe give her a choice of this or this so she still has some control over what she wears. If she doesn't want either (because no Peppa on it!) then just put one of them on. The screaming and crying will stop at some point when she realises she can't have it her way all the time. I'm hoping dd will grow out of this by 3.5!

I like the sound of good listening hiphop - need to invent some kind of portable chart for walks (hmmm...)

She sounds like a normal, active, inquisitive 2 year old. Best thing you can do is keep a sense of humour!