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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be asked to an early afternoon 40th party with kids and then be asked to bring food?

114 replies

carocaro · 08/04/2011 19:43

Someone I know has sent out printed invites to their joint with DH 40th birthday and has just sent a text requesting that we all contribute to the food and drink?

My view is don't have a 40th party at home and spend £ on swanky invites and once your guests have said yes then ask them to bring food.

AIBU

OP posts:
SpeedyGonzalez · 10/04/2011 00:42

YANBU. Only rich people should be allowed parties.

I always wonder how some people can say with absolute certainty that someone is "not strapped for cash". Don't you have to see their finances before knowing that sort of thing for sure?

MadamDeathstare · 10/04/2011 00:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DiveBomb · 10/04/2011 00:49

Oh, FFS. Buy a quiche and a bottle of wine and stop being such a whinger. They've not asked you to cater it, and your contribution could easily come in under a tenner. What the hell is your problem?

LynetteScavo · 10/04/2011 08:41

This thread had been as revealing about posters as the tattoo threads.

I want to be friends with everyone who has said they wouldn't mind bringing a quiche.

defineme · 10/04/2011 09:00

I think YABU and you must have issues with the person to mind so much....

It's nice to have all the info on an invite, but we all make mistakes and I find organising parties difficult.

You'd be eating/having a drink anyway if you were at home so what's the deal.

I always offer when I'm invited to anything anyway.

Those of you that mind are obviously the classless oiks that sit there at the end of a party and never lend a hand to clear up. Community/friendship people!

Now if you'd said they'd made a late fancy dress request you would have had my support .....

messybessie · 10/04/2011 09:01

Lynette, I'm pretty sure you live near me, I'll pop round with some couscous later Wink.

This etiquette thing really pisses me off. All the people saying it should have been on the invite or it's the wrong kind of party. Honestly!

I imagine, when deciding what to do for THEIR birthdays they considered arranging dinner out (which presumably they wouldn't have been expected to pay for) but thought - no, if we do that it will be expensive for our friend's and they will have to arrange babysitters. Why not instead have a big party at home where all the kids can come, we don't have to exclude anyone, it will be fun.

But instead, they appear to have in invited miserable fuckers who resent bringing a dish and a bottle because they have calculated that these people have more money than them and therefore should pay for everyone.

  1. Do you want to go?
  2. Can you afford the ingredients for some pasta salad?

If yes to both these questions, just go

If the answer to either of these questions is no, then don't.

Gavel.

Ciske · 10/04/2011 09:07

This was called throwing an 'American Party' in my university days and fairly common as everyone tended to be too skint to throw a normal party. The rule is you bring own food and drink, but no present (or just a card). Therefore, you shouldn't be paying out much more than a normal party.

It's the ideal set up if you're not sure how many people will show up or if you worry about varying tastes in alcohol/food.

zest01 · 10/04/2011 09:08

I had to read the post twice to be sure I had understood the supposed "issue". I am honestly shocked by peoples attitude towards a so called friend??!

When I get an invite to an event I always call and text and say: I'm bringing a bottle, what else shall I bring? I might get a reply along the lines of a salad, a pudding....etc. Sometimes the host will thank me for the offer but reply that they have it all covered, which is also fine.

It is rare among my friendship group to turn up with nothing, even if it's just a packet of after eights - I think it's just being a good friend.

I am honestly shocked that people would be offended by such a simple request and am just glad that some of you are not in my friendship group!

Namechangearamanama · 10/04/2011 09:11

I don't see what the big deal is ata ll.. catering for aparty is a huge expense, and if they have kids and work hen they probably don't have the time either. Throwing a plate of food together won't take you any time at all where as for them to cater for everyone would be hard.

It is a bit weird not stating it on the invite but maybe they forgot.

nottirednow · 10/04/2011 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

elinorbellowed · 10/04/2011 09:17

Thank God for some of the responses here. I'm planning to have a party at my house this summer and was not going to put anything on the invitation about food. When people called to RSVP and say "Can I bring anything?" I was going to say yes please, bring a bottle and some snacks. I had no idea I was being rude. And I have never in my entire life turned up at a party (except weddings) without alcohol. Hopefully people aren't going to post about my rudeness and speculate about my income.

exoticfruits · 10/04/2011 09:21

YABU . Either they are friends and you are quite happy to-or you don't like them and don't go. I went to a special wedding anniversary in a garden, we all took food-how difficult is it? (I didn't even think it an odd request).

exoticfruits · 10/04/2011 09:22

Go ahead elinor-if people are like OP they are not really friends anyway.

hairfullofsnakes · 10/04/2011 09:30

Think you are getting unfair responses here - I can understand why you feel the way you do as the way they have done it is weird. If they had said at the beginning come to our party and bring a bottle/plate of food then that would have sounded better but I also think that as it is their birthday party they should be laying on the spread as it's a bit different to just a party. Ad a guest I would always take some drinks anyway!

Yanbu I see why you feel like this.

MrsTittleMouse · 10/04/2011 09:38

elinor - you're not being rude! Those people will have OFFERED to bring stuff, and you are then graciously accepting. Totally different to the party that the OP is talking about, where the invitations have been sent out, and then AFTER people have accepted they are being told that they HAVE to bring something.

Don't get most of the posters on this thread, by the way. We would never go around to someone's house empty handed - would always take wine, or flowers or chocolates. But it's a bit rich to hold a Pot Luck without making it very clear on the invitation.

GnomeDePlume · 10/04/2011 09:49

I may be swimming against the tide here but it does actually annoy me when I invite people for a party/coffee/dinner and they turn up with unsolicited food/drink. DH and I will have spent time and effort working out a balanced menu and will have orgaised the drinks so that there is plenty for everyone. If we invite GPs around for coffee the DCs will have baked cakes.

It really does then get my goat when someone turns up to a party for 40 clutching a single bottle of wine or a teatime sized cake. WTF are we going to do with these? All too often they end up getting lost in the melee. The invitee is miffed because their offering isnt taking pride of place on the table. We are miffed because their offering is cluttering up our kitchen.

If invited then offer to bring things if you want to but if asked not to then dont.

LadyOfTheManor · 10/04/2011 09:55

I like going to parties where everyone has brought a dish as the variety of food is....well more varied.

It's a cultural thing to me to bring a dish (asked to or not) I usually bring a desert if I'm invited to dinner (usually a type of cake that can be eaten by the hosts a few days later rather than hijack their menu...!)

I think it's a wonderful idea. Take some olives, bread, hummus, dipping oils and a bottle of wine. Lovely. Gosh I'm hungry.

bigTillyMint · 10/04/2011 09:56

bibbity and honeybee if you're having a meet-up coffee, then let me know tooGrin After the hols?

Yes the food is better in Homemade and Jacks, but homemade is often full as it is so small (though it's warm enough to be outside nowSmile) and Jacks often full of small children!

bigTillyMint · 10/04/2011 09:57

OP YANBU - nothing at all wrong about asking people to bring a dish / bottle, biut you do it on the original invite, don't you?

marmaladetwatkins · 10/04/2011 10:00

I thought it was the norm to take a bottle and a foody offering to house parties anyway? Confused Clearly I've been mixing in the wrong circles!

IdontknowwhyIcare · 10/04/2011 10:02

Over here in the big sandpit we obviously have too much time on our hands. Everyone has parties as going out is so expensive. This coming weekend we are having a party (housewarming) and have organised mojitos, pimms, some wine, some beer and a shawarma man. Every person who has replied has asked what to bring, so i ask some for salads, nibbles, pudding etc. I graciously receive eveything offered. And yes some friends do call round earlier with picnic tables and chairs, others with coolers full of beer or wine. But then we do just the same when we get invited.

To be honest I love a party and sadly cant afford to invite all my friends and cater for all of them, I think most of my friends feel the same and so we all pitch in and then we get more parties. And we did the same in the UK.

Honeybee79 · 10/04/2011 10:06

I'm with you defineme

Laquitar · 10/04/2011 10:07

Shawarma party?

Can i come IdontknowwhyIcare?

Your party sounds fab!

Bogeyface · 10/04/2011 10:08

I am very lucky in that our friends are all a right royal PITA when it comes to food!

We have vegans and veggies obv, but also variations within that theme plus fussy buggers within that, meat eaters and fussy meat eaters, cultural preferences and one major pandered to PITA child that no can stand as she changes her mind daily on what is or isnt ok for her to eat.

Upshot is, we all bring 2 dishes to whoevers house we are going to and we all eat what we can from whats on offer, safe in the knowledge that there will be atleast something we can eat as we made it! DH and I and a handful of the others always win cos we can eat anything so make free with the leftovers when everyone else has eaten! Pot luck parties are the norm for us and I would be surprised these days to be invited to a house party where I wasnt asked to bring a dish, and we always always take a bottle.

corblimeymadam · 10/04/2011 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.