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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be asked to an early afternoon 40th party with kids and then be asked to bring food?

114 replies

carocaro · 08/04/2011 19:43

Someone I know has sent out printed invites to their joint with DH 40th birthday and has just sent a text requesting that we all contribute to the food and drink?

My view is don't have a 40th party at home and spend £ on swanky invites and once your guests have said yes then ask them to bring food.

AIBU

OP posts:
TheBolter · 09/04/2011 16:01

YANBU, I would have expected an informal 'bring a plate' warning on the invitation!

I was asked to a drinks party at Christmas and after accepting the hostess texted me to see if I could bring a specific pudding that she'd had at my house once... ok so I was flattered that she'd enjoyed it so much but the pudding involved a lot of prep and was quite expensive. No I didn't mind in the long run as she's a good friend but I was a bit Hmm at the request... because it came after the invitation IYSWIM.

TheBolter · 09/04/2011 16:02

God I sound really jobsworth on my above post - I really don't mind bringing a plate but I guess it's when you feel coerced into it that I object!

treas · 09/04/2011 16:06

First thing I always say if I'm invited to a party is "Would you like me to bring anything?". They've just preempted the questions.

spidookly · 09/04/2011 17:46

Pre-empting an offer by issuing a demand is rude.

Nancy66 · 09/04/2011 18:00

You don't throw a party and then expect your guests to put their hands in their pockets....most people will bring a bottle anyway - but it's really bad manners (and a bit tacky) to ask.

BringBackGoingForGold · 09/04/2011 18:16

Where's the OP? I'd love to know if it has been 'advertised' as the kind of party where everyone pitches in and contributes (which, as I said above, I think is fine and actually a lovely way to socialise), or if the initial impression given was that they were 'throwing' a party in the sense that everything would be laid on.

OP ...?

MrsDaffodill · 09/04/2011 18:25

This is very normal where I grew up. Like many others, the first thing I would say to any invitation is "what should I bring"?

If I take a lot of food/drink then I would just take a small bunch of flowers or chocs as birthday gift. As others say, it makes more frequent parties feasible.

Numberfour · 09/04/2011 18:25

Times have changed! About 2 years ago , maybe more, I asked MN opinion about having a barbecue after DS's birthday, and asking people to bring something along. The gist of the reply was if you cannot afford to feed people at a bbq, why are you having it at all??

Grin

OP: go if you want to, and take a bottle and a plate. If you would rather not, then don't!

coccyx · 09/04/2011 18:29

i would say yanbu. They want the party , let them pay for food

A1980 · 09/04/2011 18:38

YANBU

I had an email inviting me to a party a couple of years ago from an ex colleague.

She was celebrating a land mark birthday with her husband, etc,etc. She was planning on holding a huge party on a boat on the Thames, fully catered, all alcohol, etc.

Then imagine my surprise when at the bottom of the email there was a paragraph saying they could not afford the party, the boat or any of it, they would like their guests to pay for for it all, with the £10 deposit each being payable very soon and the remianing £40 each due a few weeks later!!!!!!

I was Shock Shock Shock

Then she went on to say that when she got married she couldn't afford a honeymoon or anythnig so she felt justified in asking.

I wanted to email back to tell her that my 30th birthday was around the corner and that I was doing fuck all becasue I couldn't afford to do anything. I wanted to tell her that I couldn't afford anythnig for my own birthday, let alone hers.

But I thought better of it and simply ignored the email completely.

A few days later I got an email asking me if I got her email about teh boat party and I simply replied and said "yes I did get it" and I left it at that.

A few weeks later I was still being included in the emails chasing people to pay up.

FFS if you want a big an expensive party, F-ing pay for it yourself.

I do think it's rude to plan a party you can't pay for and ask guests to pay for it.

BlooferLady · 09/04/2011 18:44

If it's a good friend, go and take lovely cakes and your goodwill.

If (as it seems) they are not good friends, then presumably you wouldn't want to go anyway. Problem solved!

Why people get all knotted up about social events they don't want to and needn't attend is a mystery. Life's too short. Arrange to have, like dear Wilde himself, a 'subsequent engagement'.

BlooferLady · 09/04/2011 18:45

A1980 Shock PREPOSTEROUS!!!! YWNBU!

hissymissy · 09/04/2011 19:18

I wouldn't care if they were friends. If they weren't, I wouldn't go anyway. YABVU. And judgemental.

What is so tacky about it, anyway? I don't get the problem TBH.

hissymissy · 09/04/2011 19:20

A1980 am Shock at the £50 charge to attend a party though! That is unreasonable.

However, a plate of sausage rolls and a bottle of plonk is hardly in the same ball park, is it?

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 09/04/2011 19:35

YANBU

It's one thing to say "We're having a pot luck/bring a bottle party, would you like to come..." or even put it on the invite. However, to invite you and then to ask for food/drink after you've accepted is rude and tacky.

Honeybee79 · 09/04/2011 19:38

YABU. What's wrong with bringing a bottle and some food to share? I wouldn't be offended under such circumstances.

Do you have issues with them? It sounds like you do otherwise this wouldn't upset you so much.

Honeybee79 · 09/04/2011 19:40

I'm having a party next sunday. Both DH and I have told our friends and I'm then speaking to people over this weekend to ask them to bring something to eat and drink . . . A plate of spring rolls/cake is no big deal is it? Plus I would consider it rude if someone turned up to our party WITHOUT bringing a bottle/some beer/some kind of contribution . . . .

bibbitybobbityhat · 09/04/2011 20:48

Honeybee - is it you and your dh's 40th and therefore a big, special occasion that you want to celebrate and invite your nearest and dearest to join in with you?

Or is it more of a local, neighbourhood, low-key, weekend get together kind of thing (in which case where is my invite? Grin)?

Cos I think there is a difference in the type of party and what the motives of the hosts are, when considering what is expected of the guests.

Tbh.

Honeybee79 · 09/04/2011 20:54

Bibbity, yes you are right. Our party is no big deal - more of a "Spring has Sprung" party. But I have been to plenty of bdays and weddings of late when people have happily brought food along (including my own . . .). It should be made clear on the invitation though if that's required . . .

(On an unrelated matter, discovered said cafe on FHR today . . .)

mylovelymonster · 09/04/2011 20:55

Why not? What's the problem?

mylovelymonster · 09/04/2011 20:56

(that was to the OP) Smile

mylovelymonster · 09/04/2011 20:58

I think it is a sign of warmth & friendship to make food for each other, no? God, I hate this country...........

bibbitybobbityhat · 09/04/2011 21:06

Honeybee: I prefer Home made on BR, tbh. Or Jacks.

Mylovelymonster: what country do you come from?

Honeybee79 · 09/04/2011 21:18

Bibbity - Homemade=great pancakes. And if you fancy a coffee in there at some point then pm me . . .

I will stop cluttering the thread with irrelevant comments now!

Browncoats · 10/04/2011 00:35

mylovelymonster don't hate this country! Most people on this thread have posted that they wouldn't have a problem and indeed would expect to bring food!!!