MIL obsessed with whether DS is warm enough - went too far yesterday

[BigGingerCat]

Sorry for another attack on MILs, but if it was my own mother I would have sorted this out by now by having a proper go at her. But I have been trying to follow the diplomatic route to preserve relations. I want your opinions because I am exhausted and have PND and chronic insomnia and I'm not sure whether I am getting in a state over nothing.

I must have been challenged at least 30 times since DS was born six months ago over whether he is warm enough, whether I should be warming his bottles up more or whether I should be warming up his food (currently just baby rice or porridge or sachets of stuff). I am not an idiot, I know how to dress my son appropriately for the weather and how to feed him (my DH and I are completely aligned and my mum and Dad have never mentioned anything). Once she had the gall to say "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to overrule you" (WTF???) in front of my dad over something to do with a hat I think.

She was looking after him all afternoon yesterday as I went into work and was great. I didn't think she would have to do bedtime routine but neither DH or I could get back in time. Apparently DH rang her and told her not to bother putting him in his gro-bag as the nursery gets very warm. (We are going to sort this out this weekend with a fan. Can't open the window because of the blackout blind and I'm not sure in the summer months it would really be enough to keep the temperature at 20 or below. So we make the necessary adjustments to his clothes, normally putting him in just one layer)

So I got back at 6.30 and found that, with the Gro-Egg thermometer in the room showing 22 degrees (she claimed she didn't see it/didn't know what it was - impossible) he was in a vest, babygro and covered in a bloody blanket. It was a cellular blanket fortunately and she had only put it over his waist and below allegedly. But she knows he is a restless baby and when I went up to check on him he had pulled it over his head. She came up with me to "help" check on him. I was FURIOUS but said "oh dear, these babies eh, look, he's pulled it right over him. We need to uncover him a bit I think, the temperature is 22 and it's really dangerous as they can overheat if they get too warm." (OR FUCKING SUFFOCATE....) She sighed and said ok and then made a move to leave (we parted politely with a hug and a kiss as usual).

I also discovered she had challenged my DH AGAIN on the subject of us not having a cot bumper, even though I have told her time and time again about the SIDS risk they can pose. She does not respect my authority on anything and it is really upsetting me. DH is going to talk to her on the specific issue of yesterday this weekend. But AIBU/over-sensitive?

My wife was out with DS when a woman commented on his bare feet. Won't he get cold? It was in my wife's home town in Spain, in summer, 30 degrees in the shade, and DS, the wife and the woman were all sweating like crazy. Bizarre.

Have you (or your husband) pointed your MIL to current SIDS guidance? If she's working off what she remembers from your husbands infancy, it has all changed. For example, I (30-something) was always put to sleep on my front to prevent cot death - as per then-current guidance. Obviously I didn't die, but thirty years of research has told us that that guidance was wrong. Does MIL know that?

I'm not at all convinced that putting a blanket, vest and babygro on a baby in 22C temperature was risky behaviour. Where I work the temperature is monitored constantly and I know that at 22C, despite moving around all the time I am pretty chilly with just one layer on. Given that babies lose heat more quickly than adults and that during sleep body temperature drops, I think a vest, babygro and light blanket is quite reasonable really and I suspect I would have done the same when mine were babies.

It's very easy to say 'your baby, your choice', but have you ever been in the position of having to look after a baby in a way which is quite different to the way you did things and feels 'wrong'? It's hard! From your MIL's pov she may have felt that she would have been putting your baby at risk of being cold and distressed. I do think on this occasion YWBU, and I feel sad for your MIL, sorry.

YANBU to be annoyed at being over-ruled. As others have said she should respect your wishes as the parents.

If you want to compromise on the cot bumper issue, try one of these

Just out of interest, have you checked the temperature that the Grow-Egg thermometer says the room is against another thermometer. I ask because I know many people have found the Grow-Eggs to show a room as being warmer than it really is. If yours is like this, you could be worrying about 22C when it is really only 20C.

Oh, what a fab idea, thank you for the suggestion. That will help enormously and I will order one now!

Hmm, you may be on to something on the thermometer too, will investigate.

Hello!

Having had similar experiences with my MIL about a whole range of things I do with my ds1, I thought I might share with you the things that help me to not get in a stew about it every time.

I think for me the comments she sometimes would make, and the times when she would do something against my wishes would partially get my goat because I was learning at such a fast pace about how to parent, and it felt like she was criticising my attempts to keep him safe and happy. In retrospect, I was really quite uptight, because I was sooooooo frightened about anything happening to him (still am!)

After lots of coversations with my dh and my sister, I decided to think of it like this:

• My MIL is actually a really lovely, kind and well meaning person
• She completely adores ds1, and now my twins
• She would NEVER do anything to hurt or endanger them, and all of her actions are with the aim of helping
• I try and give her a break - she is doing her best, I am doing my best, we will get there in the end.....

Yes, sometimes she doesnt do what I would want her to do, but ds1 has survived the things she has done / not done with him I have not agreed with. I remember making a sharp comment about not letting him see tv when he was about 6 months old (as I had read about the impact that can have on language development), as it would make him slow at talking. This was before I discovered how much I need CBeebies to help me get anything done in the day, and if it has impacted on his language, I dread to think what he would have been like otherwise.

What Im trying to say, I guess like many of the other posters, is pick your battles. I think the guidance about overheating needs to be tailored to your baby, if they are cold, they may need more clothing or blankets than would be advised, it they are a little hot body then less. Researchers do not KNOW what is happening when babies die of SIDS, its a matter of piecing together statistics and trying to advise parents. So the temp guidance is the best guess at the moment, but may well change in the future based on the accumulation of data!

Sounds like your MIL did follow instructions about the grow-bag, and she was trying to do her best, unfortunately she didnt get it right this time (although a vest, babygrow and blanket isnt that excessive). Help her to understand.

Hope I dont sound too harsh, I do understand where you are coming from (and am not too coherent with 3 month old twins and a 2 year old.....).

Hope your PND gets better soon - horrible to have that to cope with, xxxx

You are absolutely NBU BUT.....
Not sure if this has been said as I didn't read all the responses, but Grobag eggs are very unreliable temp wise, they always say about 2-3 degrees hotter than the room actually is here
So I wouldn't rely on it.
You are absolutely right, your MIL shouldn't be 'overruling' you I would be fuming, and I hope you get things sorted

ps. I had one and sent it back as it was so wrong!

here

Why would you compromise in a cot bumper-if you don´t want one, don´t get one!

Cot bumpers have their uses, though, and that compromise seems like a good idea.

Do they-what are they ?

I see you point.. it's hard

Though imagine a similar scene 30 years later.. You are asked to look after your 6mo first grand child. And (shock-horror!) your dil keeps the nursery temp at 23C and asks to put her pfb in vest, gro-bag and cover with 2 layers of the blanket. She is very worried about him not being able to keep his own temp well and that's what the latest research suggests.
But you know well it should be below 20!!! Would you just easily follow her instructions, cause she's the mother and certainly knows best?

No real advice. Though I keep the room temp about 22, dc sleeps under wool blanket with me and is alive and well.

Ofcourse it's ok to say something- you're his mum! "I'm sorry I'm going to have to over rule you" what the fucking fuck?! That would really get my back up.

FWIW, my MIL (60's) was obsessed with covering my then baby DD up in layers of clothes and blankets despite me telling her not to. This was one ofthe many reasons I wouldn't leave DD alone with her until she was about 2. My baby, so look after her the way I want and stop ignoring my instructions. I'm not asking much.

They stop babies getting their arms/legs stuck through the cot bars. Mine used to do that all the time because I refused to have a bumper. Also, it's slightly softer on their faces than just bare bars if they roll into a corner in the night (as mine also used to do).

i had pnd too and suffered during my MIL's infrequent seagull visits from overseas (fly in, dump shit on everyone, fly out). i always felt so undermined by her sly little comments when dh was out of hearing, or her catsbummouth when he was looking the other way.

anyway, once i finally got the help and meds i needed, i felt much more able to cope. on her next visit when ds was about 10 months old and she tried to take him off me to "show" me the "right" way to do something, i took him back and said very loudly and clearly "i am his mother. if you expect to be able to spend ANY time with him at all on your visits, then you will respect my wishes about raising him. if you can't, you don't see him" and walked away. dh was shocked!!, but agreed later it was needed. she has been a bit easier to deal with since. still struggle with some things and ds is nearly 5 now, but luckily we only see them a few times a year. now it seems to be fil who has taken over the little digs and remarks hey ho.

"They stop babies getting their arms/legs stuck through the cot bars."

I thought that if bars were a correct spacing that this wouldn´t happen.

"it's slightly softer on their faces than just bare bars if they roll into a corner in the night (as mine also used to do)."-I might give you that one-although I do wonder how babies ever reached adulthood without all of the bumpf that seems to be necessary today!

diddl - so you would think, but both my DC managed to get stuck in (new and made to all approved standards) bars on both crib and cot

(bad mother that I am, I still didn't get a bumper of any sort - I just unstuck them and suggested that they didn't do it again)

I didn't have any kind of cot bumper for DD (had not discovered the airwrap early enough). DD was a wriggly baby. While sleeping she would stick an arm through the bars, up to her elbow and then try to roll away. This would twist her arm and she would wake up screaming. She also used to regularly head but the bars.

DD is now nearly 3. She has a cot bed. We have the bars up on the side nearest the wall simply to stop her teddy falling down the gap between the bed and the wall (since this is a tragedy of world stopping proportions in her mind). I have made her something a bit like a cot bumper, but with pockets on it so she can have extra soft toys in the pockets to play with when she wakes up. It also deals with the headbutting. For some bizarre reason she usually sleeps with her face pressed against this sort-of-cot-bumper.

Sorry, very long-winded way of saying that there are some uses for cot bumpers.

I thought that the bars were spaced so that limbs couldn´t get stuck.

They would poke through & the baby/toddler might not be able to pull them bach in, but there would be no harm done iyswim.

diddl - probably true - no lasting harm or bars being cut to free limbs, so I guess they were never truly stuck (not that it felt that way when summoned by screaming child at 3am)

I think the issues are two fold. Firstly she is not right to undermine your parenting skills.

Secondly. This is how I dressed my summer babies.

Over wrapping is when the nurse on duty shows you how to swaddle your baby, and then wraps two blankets round her and a hat, when said child was born on the first of august and the hospital was very warm anyway. I was worried because since DD was new she was feeding a lot, but since the nurse had swaddled her she had not woken... for ver 4 hrs. It was night-time, I'd had a baby before, so I just mentioned to the dr who was supporting a lady in the bay next door and said, "that's not right is it", as I was waking her, It was night time so I had nodded off, but LUCKILY I woke up. The reason I hadn't questioned it I think was tiredness, and the reassurance that small babies get cold.

So the nurse person basically nearly over heated my baby! That made me annoyed and THAT was over wrapping. One vest, one baby gro and ONE blanket is not over wrapped. The hospital was hotter than 22. This was because I was on trans Care and some babies have heat retention issues (i.e they can't)., Even in summer mine slept better with the weight of a cotton sheet on them.

The over-ruling thing is extremely annoying and you need to find ways to deal with it when she says things like that. Maybe just luahg as though it was a joke she had made and say "that's funny, as if you could over-rule the mother of the baby!"

That said, 22 isn't that hot. During my first babies first summer it was well into the 30s. I think you were definately panicking and being over the top about the temperature. It was 1 blanket and a cellular one at that!

good grief, it must be warm where you lot live, I'm still using my electric blanket!