MIL obsessed with whether DS is warm enough - went too far yesterday

[BigGingerCat]

Sorry for another attack on MILs, but if it was my own mother I would have sorted this out by now by having a proper go at her. But I have been trying to follow the diplomatic route to preserve relations. I want your opinions because I am exhausted and have PND and chronic insomnia and I'm not sure whether I am getting in a state over nothing.

I must have been challenged at least 30 times since DS was born six months ago over whether he is warm enough, whether I should be warming his bottles up more or whether I should be warming up his food (currently just baby rice or porridge or sachets of stuff). I am not an idiot, I know how to dress my son appropriately for the weather and how to feed him (my DH and I are completely aligned and my mum and Dad have never mentioned anything). Once she had the gall to say "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to overrule you" (WTF???) in front of my dad over something to do with a hat I think.

She was looking after him all afternoon yesterday as I went into work and was great. I didn't think she would have to do bedtime routine but neither DH or I could get back in time. Apparently DH rang her and told her not to bother putting him in his gro-bag as the nursery gets very warm. (We are going to sort this out this weekend with a fan. Can't open the window because of the blackout blind and I'm not sure in the summer months it would really be enough to keep the temperature at 20 or below. So we make the necessary adjustments to his clothes, normally putting him in just one layer)

So I got back at 6.30 and found that, with the Gro-Egg thermometer in the room showing 22 degrees (she claimed she didn't see it/didn't know what it was - impossible) he was in a vest, babygro and covered in a bloody blanket. It was a cellular blanket fortunately and she had only put it over his waist and below allegedly. But she knows he is a restless baby and when I went up to check on him he had pulled it over his head. She came up with me to "help" check on him. I was FURIOUS but said "oh dear, these babies eh, look, he's pulled it right over him. We need to uncover him a bit I think, the temperature is 22 and it's really dangerous as they can overheat if they get too warm." (OR FUCKING SUFFOCATE....) She sighed and said ok and then made a move to leave (we parted politely with a hug and a kiss as usual).

I also discovered she had challenged my DH AGAIN on the subject of us not having a cot bumper, even though I have told her time and time again about the SIDS risk they can pose. She does not respect my authority on anything and it is really upsetting me. DH is going to talk to her on the specific issue of yesterday this weekend. But AIBU/over-sensitive?

A friend of mine had a go at her MiL for something similar. MiL lost confidence in herself and my friend lost invaluable child-minding/babysitting support.

YANBU. Can you print something like this and www.babyworld.co.uk/information/products/cotsandbedding/accessories.aspthis off for her, and get DH reinforce the message. It might be worth him pointing out that her input is valued, but that you two are the parents, you are up to date on current guidance and therefore what you say goes - not having a car seat didn't kill your DH either but I bet she wouldn't think of not using one today. It's all safety advice that she needs to heed.

Yes, babies manage in hot rooms during the summer, but most won't be in a vest and babygro with a blanket on top as well.

Bollocks is she PFB. It's her first summer, the weather is hot and everyone knows that it's better to be too cold than too hot.

Too cold they will wake up crying, too hot, they can just die.

OP, if you can get a leaflet from your Dr or HV, do so, but otherwise say that overheating can kill, a little light underheating can't.

Tell her that you know she is only doing it because she cares, but her caring could actually be doing more harm than good.

Mention that much changes in baby guidelines over the years and this is one area that has had much research. Ask her to trust you on this, that you are up to date with the guidelines. Tell her to ASK you/DH before putting a blanket on your DC in future. It's important.

I'm really baffled about the temperature stuff for babies, actually. When we were visiting DH's family in Marseille last year our niece (who lives there) was 6 weeks old. It was 32 degrees, and she was in her pram in a vest, dress, tights, cardy, knitted hat and blanket. They were told to do this (as were all our other friends and family in Marseille) by the paediatrician and the midwives. Having seen the UK guidelines I was horrified.

When we went at February with DS (4 months) they were horrified by the way I dressed him, and produced their guidelines which basically implied DS should have hypothermia.

They're clearly not an objective assessment of baby's needs, it seems to me.

BUT OP, I would be seriously annoyed if my mum did that (MIL wouldn't, she'd be too worried about upsetting me, she's very sweet). I can already foresee huge fights between me and mum over parenting.

Flisspaps said it so much better than I did!

We moved to Egypt when DS was 6m old. Hotter than hell that place was, he spent June to September in nothing more than a t-shirt and a nappy.

Flingon, that is insane!

That's what I thought! DS will be spending the Marseille summer in a nappy, the lightest single item of clothing I can find, tons of sunblock, and indoors for most of the day.

If you can't be pfb when you have a pfb when can you be?

I think I might have murdered her when she made the comment about having to overrule you, so well done for remaining polite and tactful.

I think that all you can do is tell her about current guidelines and quietly insist on things being done the way you want. Oh, and find a CM/nanny/nursery for when you go back to work. Don't leave the baby with MIL as child care provider or you will find it very hard to wrestle back control and raise your baby as you see fit.

I do think in these situations that it doesn't help if you are receiving childcare from them.

Separate the two things so that she is just granny and not a carer.

As per the listening to guidelines you can drive yourself (and everyone around you) insane trying to follow them to the letter.

I used to gauge heat/cold by touching them - the soles of their feet, whether they look too pink, whether they feel clammy inside their babygrow etc and adjust accordingly.

Some days baby 22 might be too warm for the baby some days not warm enough depending on if they were under the weather or had been sleeping for a length of time. I know with my two they certainly got sweatier the deeper they slept and I'd pop in and check. They always liked covers on them to fall asleep even if it was too warm! So I'd have to wait for them to fall asleep and then sneak in to adjust.

What I'm saying is your problems may be exacerbated by you trying to obsessively adhere to temp guidelines. I think this attention to detail is also symptomatic of PND. I got into a thing about food, fresh ingredients, freshly cooked, no salt etc etc. Only afterwards did I realise that I needn't have been so OCD about it but it was part and parcel of how I was generally feeling at the time iyswim.

I do think her manner is detrimental to your well being though. You don't need to hear that you're being over ruled etc given the PND and the insomnia. The way she is handling it is making how you feel worse. I think minimising her opportunities to contradict you will help.

Hope you get some sleep soon. It will get better.

I do try to pick my battles, really I do. I constantly say to her - "well this is what we do, but do what you think, you know what you're doing obviously!" and I do tell her how much I appreciate her help. It's just this one incident where I think it was dangerous. Also I think she believes, from little dig after dig (too many and too irrelevant to the thread to go into here) , that I am not actually a very good mother. She believes that putting a baby feet to foot in a cot or on their backs is "a modern fad".

My mum doesn't help, I tell her the stuff that's been said to me over the phone and she is FURIOUS on my behalf, which winds me up further and makes me think that I am NBU. And like I said, my judgement is a little impaired these days. So thanks for all the comments so far.

I wonder what their cot death rates are like?

Similarly, various countries differ on formula guidelines - I've heard of babies dying in Belgium from contaminated formula but not here. I think you have to do your research and decide for yourself. If someone can't abide by your decisions (especially on matters of safety) even if they think you're being PFB or have raised children themselves, then I wouldn't trust them with my child.

I totally agree with what brass said.

I don't think 22 degrees is too warm for a baby's room, how do you think we all manage in hotter climates? DS2 still needs his grobag (though the light one) at that temperature, otherwise he gets cold.

We don't bother with the aircon here until it gets over 35 and we had one night this year where the temperature didn't drop below 33 overnight.

I think you are overreacting a bit, was he sweaty?

YANBU at all. You are the mother, not her and it is very rude of her to completely undermine you all the time. Glad your DH agrees and is going to talk to her.

If she does carry on, I would say, very firmly each time "No this is how we do things" then completely ignore her.

My nan used to go on and on about DS not being warm enough, despite the fact that he was an unusually warm baby anyway, then she would say he had to have a hat on indoors, then if he was being held he had to have a blanket on, his bottle temperature was never right etc etc. Now she is the same with DD, luckily I can ignore her but it really does get my goat as you can't tell her that guidlines have changed or anything. She insists you need a blanket with a baby sleeping bag.

Ooh "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to overrule you" had me literally - I would have hit the roof. Well no I would have gone all catsbum dragged dh out the room and told him to sort it out.

I'm pretty relaxed about the temp thing tbh I go by how he is (and really badly feel that since I grew up in 30+ degree heat that it's not too bad but see that the evidence is against me) but you're the parent. You decide.

Ahh the bottle warming bollocks. All my MIL ever wanted to do in the first few months was reheat feeds. She clearly thought I was being insane/stupid when I tried to explain why that was wrong.
I think you overeacted on this occasion but can understand why it felt like the last straw after the last 6 months. The other incidents made you blow this one out of proportion imo.
Forget the specifics of today and just tell DH that she needs to keep her opinions to herself and stop treating you like a child.

If I send my now 3yo ds to my mil's without a vest she will undress him and send him home with a vest on even if he has 3 layers on already. I think she must have gone out to buy a supply of vests! I've never mentioned it to her.

yanbu,she is.
my favourite thing to say when my mil does something like that is say "thank you,I'll think about that." and change the subject.makes her think i might do it her way and theres no row.this is of course learned the hard way with dd1!

Hmmm - Mine always had a vest on with a babygrow - vest was short sleeved if it was warm and in a lightweight growbag or with a light blanket over them.

I agree with springbok - 'sorry I'm going to have to overrule you'?! What the fuck?

She does understand she's had her turn and her experience doesn't make her the lead parent with you as a trainee, doesn't she? It just makes her 30 years out of date.

LittleRedDragon - I think you have hit the nail on the head.

my mil did this to ds1,she put him down in his cot,was day of his christening,i went to check on him and he face was all red and soaked in sweat,it was amy and a really nice warm day,she had swaddled him in his blankets,poor boy couldnt move!she knew i was cross as i never ever wrapped him like that,he never liked being wrapped up!now at 14 he has kingsize duvet on his bed and wraps up in it lol.

2 of mine get very hot and hate having layers on,even in the snow yet ds2 would pull his blanket over his head as he use to rub it on his forehead to fall asleep,would scare the hell out of us finding him with it over his head.

We're all saying the MIL has the wrong attitude and is rude to speak to you like that.

Don't beat yourself up about the temp. As you can see lots of differing ideas about it depending on where people live and what they are used to. They are all right.

Whatever you decide for your baby is the right thing for your baby. End of.

Thanksgingercat. My parents are gearing up to be like this with my lovely pregnant SIL, so I am alert to the type.

YANBU, give her a sids leaflet and make sure she bloody reads it, this is not her baby nor is it 1970, her methods are outdated and potentialy dangerous, sit her down explain that you apreiciate her experience but this is your dc and she will have to stick to your rules, nothing wrong with a bit of PFB i have three and am still like it