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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL obsessed with whether DS is warm enough - went too far yesterday

98 replies

BigGingerCat · 08/04/2011 09:42

Sorry for another attack on MILs, but if it was my own mother I would have sorted this out by now by having a proper go at her. But I have been trying to follow the diplomatic route to preserve relations. I want your opinions because I am exhausted and have PND and chronic insomnia and I'm not sure whether I am getting in a state over nothing.

I must have been challenged at least 30 times since DS was born six months ago over whether he is warm enough, whether I should be warming his bottles up more or whether I should be warming up his food (currently just baby rice or porridge or sachets of stuff). I am not an idiot, I know how to dress my son appropriately for the weather and how to feed him (my DH and I are completely aligned and my mum and Dad have never mentioned anything). Once she had the gall to say "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to overrule you" (WTF???) in front of my dad over something to do with a hat I think.

She was looking after him all afternoon yesterday as I went into work and was great. I didn't think she would have to do bedtime routine but neither DH or I could get back in time. Apparently DH rang her and told her not to bother putting him in his gro-bag as the nursery gets very warm. (We are going to sort this out this weekend with a fan. Can't open the window because of the blackout blind and I'm not sure in the summer months it would really be enough to keep the temperature at 20 or below. So we make the necessary adjustments to his clothes, normally putting him in just one layer)

So I got back at 6.30 and found that, with the Gro-Egg thermometer in the room showing 22 degrees (she claimed she didn't see it/didn't know what it was - impossible) he was in a vest, babygro and covered in a bloody blanket. It was a cellular blanket fortunately and she had only put it over his waist and below allegedly. But she knows he is a restless baby and when I went up to check on him he had pulled it over his head. She came up with me to "help" check on him. I was FURIOUS but said "oh dear, these babies eh, look, he's pulled it right over him. We need to uncover him a bit I think, the temperature is 22 and it's really dangerous as they can overheat if they get too warm." (OR FUCKING SUFFOCATE....) She sighed and said ok and then made a move to leave (we parted politely with a hug and a kiss as usual).

I also discovered she had challenged my DH AGAIN on the subject of us not having a cot bumper, even though I have told her time and time again about the SIDS risk they can pose. She does not respect my authority on anything and it is really upsetting me. DH is going to talk to her on the specific issue of yesterday this weekend. But AIBU/over-sensitive?

OP posts:

Crawling · 08/04/2011 09:46

I get this off my gran and my MIL it seems to be a age thing they were told to wrap babies up warm.

NoWayNoHow · 08/04/2011 09:47

YANBU - there is nothing worse than continuously undermining a new mother who is finding her way through the first months and who has a clear idea of how she wants her DS to be raised.

Your DH needs to nip this in the bud quickly, or it will simply escalate.

If it's any consolation, I have a DS (3 now) who is a perpetually boiling child, yet I get tutted at and reprimanded by my grandmother when I let him walk the 14 feet from my warm car to her warm house without a coat on. It's tiresome, but I don't see her as much as I see my own mum, and if it were her bleating on like this all the time, we'd have had words a long, long while ago.

pingu2209 · 08/04/2011 09:47

I think you can't say very much when she is babysitting for you to go to work. She won't kill him. It is just different styles of parenting.

Original poster

BigGingerCat · 08/04/2011 09:47

Oh, sorry for drip feed - she's only in her late fifties, if that makes any difference.

OP posts:

BarryShitpeas · 08/04/2011 09:47

yabu

She is trying to look after him in her way, just as you are trying to look after him in yours.

Surely a six month old baby would swish a blanket straight off his face? Genuine question btw.

Original poster

BigGingerCat · 08/04/2011 09:48

pingu2209, sorry I wasn't clear. I just popped into work for a one-off meeting with my boss - I won't be going back for another six months.

OP posts:

NoWayNoHow · 08/04/2011 09:50

Ah, but pingu the MIL isn't the parent - the OP is. MIL should respect the wishes of how OP and her DH want to raise their child. This is also about the principle of undermining - it's not on, not when the OP has specifically requested things be done in a certain way.

I literally had an instruction manual for my parents the first time they looked after DS. It was long, but they needed to know the way I did things as it kept a routine for DS and it was important to stick to that. Thankfully, my DM respects my style of parenting, but we DH and I would absolutely say something to either my mother or his if we thought they were overstepping the line.

RitaMorgan · 08/04/2011 09:51

pingu2209 - actually I would agree with you if it was about feeding him treats or watching TV, but overheating can be dangerous for babies and the SIDS guidelines are there for a reason. I would let a lot of things slide with grandparents but not a safety issue.

"Sorry but I have to overrule you" - I would be livid! Have you sat her down and explained how her behaviour is making you feel?

Original poster

BigGingerCat · 08/04/2011 09:52

Nope, Barry, my DS can't yet roll and he was asleep with the blanket over his head. If I thought he could move it if he got uncomfortable I would be more ok about it.

OP posts:

stealthsquiggle · 08/04/2011 09:52

um... - a bit of both, I suspect. She should do stuff the way you want, but you are being a tad PFB-ish and getting (IMHO, and I am sure I will get flamed) way too worked up about it - babies the world over do, after all, survive at temperatures significantly above 20 deg C....

IIWY I would sort out the blackout blind so that you can open the window rather than fitting fans, etc.

stream · 08/04/2011 09:52

Surely you can't suffocate under a cellular blanket - I thought that was the point of them?

LilQueenie · 08/04/2011 09:52

yanbu if she cant abide by your rules for bringing him up then she needs to back off.

whitevanwoman · 08/04/2011 09:52

id probably have dressed the baby in the same

my kids always had vest and babygro, unless stiflingly hot and a light blanket

whats the big deal

IngridFletcher · 08/04/2011 09:54

She sounds annoying but I really don't think she did anything dangerous. I also don't think a baby will suffocate with a celluar blanket over his face. Lot of babies put things over their face as a comfort thing anyway. She is also doing you a massive favour by babysitting so I would not make an issue of it.

theborrower · 08/04/2011 09:54

It would drive me mad too, BigGingerCat. I get lots of 'helpful' advice from my MIL too, but she is genuinely trying to be helpful and nice and show an interest. I normally just say something a bit vague, but if she says stuff that I really don't agree with (e.g. she used to suggest putting honey on DD's gums) I'd tell her why not. She does look me a bit like "You're being overcautious, didn't do your DH any harm" but that's the end of it normally. I also get comments from my own mum about stupid stuff, and we get into a bit more of an argument about it sometimes, so I'm starting to accept it's just part of being a mum/generational differences. Both my parents and the MIL have questioned the sleep bag things as well, btw ("But babies need blankets too, don't they? How on earth can that thin sleeping bag keep her warm?")

You are maybe being a bit oversensitive, but as you said you are knackered and have pnd, so it's no wonder. I've had (have?) pnd too and it sometimes feels like every comment is an attempt to undermine me as a mother/make me feel completely useless. So I sympathise. Does your MIL know that you have pnd? Perhaps is she did she might keep her opinions to herself a bit more, or would it just make things worse?

stealthsquiggle · 08/04/2011 09:54

LOL, nowaynohow - my parents demanded an instruction manual when they first looked after DS, which has been updated periodically since then, because they didn't want to do things the "wrong" way (i.e. not the way I wanted)

bubblecoral · 08/04/2011 09:55

Yanbu, but if your dh is already going to talk to her, there's not much else you can do except rant on here!

piratecat · 08/04/2011 09:58

my (ex) mil once worried that dd would get a 'back cold' when she was lying on the carpet for ten mins. she had on a nappy, all in one vest, babygrow, and jacket. In a centrally heated living room.!!

Original poster

BigGingerCat · 08/04/2011 10:00

It was the overheating aspect I was most worried about as 22 degrees for a baby's room is too warm (as per multiple sources, easily google-able) without taking some sort of mitigating action. Thankfully the risk of suffocating under cellular blanket much reduced but still there surely?

Had the SIDS message drummed into me from so many sources - and am only trying to follow the guidelines. As a previous poster said, we're not talking about sweets or TV. Her overruling us on this put him at risk in my opinion and that is what I am upset about.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 08/04/2011 10:00

Yanbu

if she continues then I wouldn't leave her alone with the baby.

Alongside everything else she is really rude.

Original poster

BigGingerCat · 08/04/2011 10:04

OMG if she knew I had PND she would probably apply to have custody of the baby assigned to her. No fucking way - it would all be dressed up as her "caring" but she would be on my case even more. Even DH agrees on this point.

OP posts:

DancingThroughLife · 08/04/2011 10:06

It drives me mad being constantly 'helped' too, but I've learnt to pick my battles. Things like DD being too warm is now very low on my list of things to fight over. My mum can't grasp that she's cosy enough in a sleeping bag - "but it would be like us not having a duvet"! Yes mum, when we sleep in a sleeping bag we don't have either duvet too...

Saying that, members of my family regularly look after DD while I go to work, and I found that it's easier for me to say "do what you are comfortable/confident doing" than to prescribe a certain way of doing things. After all, they've raised babies to adulthood so they've got a bit of an idea of what they're doing.

I think you should maybe have a word with your MIL and tell her exactly how undermined you feel, and then try to let it wash over you. Good luck!

theborrower · 08/04/2011 10:07

Ok, best not mention it then :)
Get DH to have a word, and have a word next time she's out of line, but pick your battles...

TobyLerone · 08/04/2011 10:07

YANBU about her interfering, but YABU for being quite so PFB.

spacecadet1 · 08/04/2011 10:08

Agree with you OP, like you said it's not as if she's let your DS stay up past his bed time or have sweets before tea, it can be dangerous for them to over heat so I'd definitely pull her about this (& might make future run ins easier to deal with!). Oh, & get a 0.5 tog grobag for the summer months so there'll be no need for her to put a blanket on him.

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