To think this isn't healthy.

[bananasinpjamas]

I almost think I need to get medical help on behalf of my BF. He is around the 18 stone mark/5ft7, is lovely and perfect in every way apart from what behaviorally he is like with food. I'm 20.

To give you a bit of background info, we live at uni together. He has ALOT of psychological baggage, which I won't go into here, but has seeked help for this that has worked in every way apart from the fact he still seems to have problems with food as a result of some of the crappyness he has been through.

He grew up not having any real limits on food. For example, although he is 23, if it was up to him, he would live on frozen smiley faces, scampi, chips, chicken dippers, crisps, chocolate, ice cream, sausage rolls, cornish pastries etc. This reflects what was in the freezer when I first met him, and also at his parents house.Despite this, since meeting me (I love cooking!) will eat and has cooked a variety of foods.

If it was up to him, he would be eating almost 10 times a day. A typical day would be:

Breakfast- Bacon sandwhich with butter and ketchup (3 peices of bacon and 1 fried egg)

Snack- Sausage roll and cheese in front of TV for a snack

Driving- 2 Lucazades and large bag of mistrals, scampi fries, cadburys cream egg whenever he drives ("Because I need to concentrate"- always happens with driving)

Lunch- Half a packet of smilies, half a packet of chicken nuggets for lunch

Snack- large packet of Chocolate raisins , bag of salt and vinegar chips

Dinner- Drive to mcdonalds (2 burgers and chicken nuggets/fries)

Desert- Tub of half baked ice cream

Snack- Large bowl of chocolate cereal

Late night nibble- another bacon sandwhich

Early morning- large bowl of chips ( actually a real food diary)

It's awful- so much processed crap. I'm SO worried about him and last night told him so. I want us to have a happy, healthy and long life together and don't want our kids (when we eventually have them) to grow up having the same issues with food.

So, he has agreed to let me plan his meals (I said I would buy both of our weeks shopping this week) which I suppose is a big step as luckily he does realise he eats too much of the wrong stuff and that he does need to lose weight.

So, I did a massive shop at tesco to get fresh fruit, veg, lean meat, porridge, healthy frozen stuff etc that wouldn't need him to go out to the shops for at least a week.

His meal plan abides almost exactly to NHS daily RDAs, is 2000cals (although over the next couple of weeks I will probably reduce it to something like 1500 as there is no way he even needs that (very sedantary, doesn't exercise, won't even play on kinect etc ) - when I'm over at his we either end up cuddling, watching TV, studying, revising or gaming apart from ocassionally going out (basically, although having a nice time, sitting on our arses all day).

Today was the first day of adhering to it properly, and immediatly because we were going for a drive he said " Can you get me some skittles" The drive was less than an hour each way. I can understand eating on some car journeys (my granddad lives 5-6 hours away and sometimes we have lunch or get a BK (the only time we get fast food as a family !) but I really don't get this sense of entitlement to something sweet every time he gets in the car.

Fair enough I thought, he usually wants something alot worse so I said instead of having a large meal later I would do something smaller. Then he wants to go to a nearby pub that a friend really wants us to go to. He orders scampi chips and peas, sensible size portion. Then he nicks half of my leftovers (a quarter of the meal- I sometimes have a really small appetite)

Then he complains later of having "nothing in" if he is hungry. I ask him whether he is hungry now. He says no. But then gos on and on and on about it, obsessing that satsumas and pears don't give him much choice. So I go to tesco again, get strawberries, pinapple, melon, grapes, blackberrys etc , despite his plan saying he eats 6 small meals a day (I have tried big meals but he will eat between them) with the idea if he needs to eat 24/7 he can on healthy fibre high water based fruit.

He obsesses over food so much, almost thinks about it 24/7. He will also game to the early hours of the morning, causing him to eat more ("because I ate 4 hours ago...." to what I'm thinking erm, most people eat 2-3 times a day. As part of the plan I have also set a 'bedtime' of 11pm to make sure this does not happen.

Then he starts asking if he can have soup, I reply saying does it say that in the meal plan, he says no but I'm hungry. Fair enough the soups are only 100cals each, but knowing him he will have one every two hours if it was up to him.

If he stays up all all night gaming (he says it 'winds him down' but sometimes as late as 5-6am) , he can also be extremely ratty- same if he consumes anything with caffine or large amounts of sugar.

ARRGH. I almost want to get a nutritionist referral on his behalf but scared of what he will think but also scared if this meal plan doesn't work he will revert back to the above and there will be no way out of this vicious circle.

I love him very much, but I am scared as I know it is already is affecting his health (we are both hypermobile, but he has to take paracetomal & ibroprofen on a daily basis about 3 times a week at least- not good as he is borderline IBS and lactose intolerant. This is because of back pain, shoulder pain, foot pain etc.

What do I do, or am I being a RU evil girlfriend?

Please say someone has the same problem!

Do you love him enough to be acting as his mum?
If you do then you need to get him to a doctor and to some professional help.
I think you're on a hiding to nothing, unless he wants to change he won't, and it doesn't sound as if he wants to change or he wouldn't be demanding Skittles so soon. (And what were you doing running around getting them for him?).

You won't want to hear this and I preface by saying not all cases are alike:

The relationship won't work unless he mans the fuck up.

I dealt with a similar issue when I was your age. It was like babysitting and I just could not accept it nor respect him.

He doesn't even want to try, so why should you? He, through his own greed and selfishness, is controlling and limiting your life.

If it were me, I would be breaking up with him. You're too young for this BS.

Hopefully without over-stepping the mark...

You refer to a long-term future with him, kids etc. I don't mean to be patronising but you're 20, still at university - chances are your feelings (and tolerance) will change. Please don't psychologically trap yourself by perpetuating these 'happily ever after' thoughts just yet.

If he won't stop binge-eating to death (for his own good!), what else will he fail at doing? He has no self-respect for himself and, thus, how could he for anything or anyone else?

Lucyinthepie, thanks for your speedy reply. I have told myself that if the food plan doesn't work out, that I am going to get professional help- just so I know in my mind I have tried everything. I also have been doing some research and think this is what apparently most men need is a shock to get them to listen. He hates hospitals, but I think he would hate it even more if he was having a stroke (something really horrible as my granny died of an embolism to the brain). I know I didn't help me running around getting them for him- I'll put my hands up to that.

TheSecondComing- I am with him because he is lovely, kind, generous, smart, funny, caring, understanding but this is really upsetting me because I know if we could get this sorted together he would be 100% perfect. It also annoys that it has been allowed to get this far, and I know if I don't do it, no one will.

18 stone at 5 feet 7 and 23. He's lazy, greedy and undisciplined. These are his character traits. You are being drawn into being responsible for him. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life this way? You can't change him, only he can. And it sounds as if he doesn't want to. A grown man who is overweight, asking to be bought sweets when you go out in the car is just pathetic.

He needs to make his own diet plan. He will start to suffer health issues sooner than the average man, and if you stay with him, your life will revolve around him and his rather bizaree problems, rather than having the fun you could with someone better adjusted.

he sounds revolting

but by all means attempt to change him

you won't succeed

but maybe you'll learn something

You cannot make him lose weight, you shouldn't be trying to 'save' him.

We can't save people, they can only save themselves when it comes to this sort of thing. Don't make yourself responsible for his health and weight.

It is his issue.

You can't get professional help for him. Only he can do that. I understand that you are worried but this is His problem and He is the only one who can deal with it. The question for you is can you love him despite his diet?

Spenguin, thanks. I know he does, can I ask what helped you when you had similar issues what helped you 'snap out of it'. Despite what you may think, apart from this he is a fantastic guy, and rather than splitting up he needs more than a little bit of support right now.

"I am with him because he is lovely, kind, generous, smart, funny, caring, understanding but this is really upsetting me because I know if we could get this sorted together he would be 100% perfect. It also annoys that it has been allowed to get this far, and I know if I don't do it, no one will."

You've just said so much in that.

1. How is allowing you to be this upset evidence of him being kind and caring?

2. He will never be 100% perfect. You can't change a man.

Could you tell us how long you have been dating/known each other? For your sake, I hope your opinions of him are because it's 'the honeymoon phase'.

I'm telling you from experience - get out while you can.

If you're already thinking 'apart from this he's terrific', this relationship is not going to work. You can't change people into what you want them to be.

Why do you think he is isn't helping himself/getting himself professional help/eating less?

It's great that you are trying to do all this for him. But I agree with everyone else; unless he does it for himself, it isn't going to work, sorry :(

Can I ask that people only reply if they have advice that I can use to support and help him, rather than writing him off as a hopeless case because he has grown up having almost no boundaries around him around food. Can I add, in all other aspects of his life he is fantastic at- most of his uni grades are firsts and has even got scouted for a internaship, and has always had a job up until uni.

For me, that relationship lasted 3 years. I was so sick and tired of being like his mother. Worst and best still, he would say that I was bossy and controlling (someone got grumpy when the McDonald's was taken away!) and I just thought, 'oh F you, you little twerp!'

I had to tell him that I no longer found him physically attractive, due to his weight-gain and his response was to blame me...he couldn't be bothered to lose some weight and stop endangering his heart, no, no. That's the problem, OP: by trying to be his nutritionist, you'll become his target.

So, after years of this BS going on, I just met other people and realised just how much I had been missing out on. Being with him made my university life so boring and, frankly, a waste.

I really hope you wake up and smell the coffee. There will be other men and, with a nature as good as yours, you DO deserve better.

If he doesnt want to change you cant force him. Its nice that you want to help him.

We have been together for a year.

You're 20 - you should be out having a laugh, not dealing with this. Everyone else who's said that he has to want to change is right. You're fighting a losing battle here and it will grind you down - by all means give him options by having fruit and stuff around, but he has to want to do it.

Please don't get any more involved with all the food issues - it isn't your battle to fight. Have your own life, get a good degree, have some fun while you're at it, develop your skills. This sounds a bit like a project - don't let it be to the detriment of yourself. You still both have a lot of growing up to do - and yes, I do realise quite how patronising that sounds but with the benefit of age, and looking back at my 20 year old self, it is true. Just don't deny youself any opportunities.

Support yes your right but only in his willingness to change his habits of a lifetime. TBH i cant see any evidence of him wanting to change.

I agree with pretty much everyone who's posted so far. Don't create a dynamic where you're nagging him, battling with him or worrying about him. Either find a way to accept that (for now, anyway) this is how he chooses to be, or leave.

Nice. Would he be so revolting if he was anorexic for instance? Why do eating problems that involve eating too much equal a lazy hideous slob yet the other way round its 'aww poor them, they have issues'

YANBU in that his diet is definitely not healthy but you are setting yourself up for a huge failure. Your boyfriend does not want to do this and you can't force him to change until he is ready.

I suppose you have to decide whether you want a future with this man if he doesn't change as it can only get worse, he's not going to get anything but bigger on that diet.

How do you think that your making him a diet and meals plan will work? Dieting is hard work, it means being hungry and that just sounds like something he isn't prepared to do.

What it is doing is getting you running around after him, making him meals, buying him sweets, etc.. (I don't see how that gels with all hs supposed good qualities).

I don't think your doing this is actually doing him any good. He needs to learn to self-motivate, and other people can't self-motivate for him. Probably if you gave him tougher love, it might work, but babying him and doing everything for him seems likely to make him delegate responsibility for his own health even more.