To think this isn't healthy.

[bananasinpjamas]

I almost think I need to get medical help on behalf of my BF. He is around the 18 stone mark/5ft7, is lovely and perfect in every way apart from what behaviorally he is like with food. I'm 20.

To give you a bit of background info, we live at uni together. He has ALOT of psychological baggage, which I won't go into here, but has seeked help for this that has worked in every way apart from the fact he still seems to have problems with food as a result of some of the crappyness he has been through.

He grew up not having any real limits on food. For example, although he is 23, if it was up to him, he would live on frozen smiley faces, scampi, chips, chicken dippers, crisps, chocolate, ice cream, sausage rolls, cornish pastries etc. This reflects what was in the freezer when I first met him, and also at his parents house.Despite this, since meeting me (I love cooking!) will eat and has cooked a variety of foods.

If it was up to him, he would be eating almost 10 times a day. A typical day would be:

Breakfast- Bacon sandwhich with butter and ketchup (3 peices of bacon and 1 fried egg)

Snack- Sausage roll and cheese in front of TV for a snack

Driving- 2 Lucazades and large bag of mistrals, scampi fries, cadburys cream egg whenever he drives ("Because I need to concentrate"- always happens with driving)

Lunch- Half a packet of smilies, half a packet of chicken nuggets for lunch

Snack- large packet of Chocolate raisins , bag of salt and vinegar chips

Dinner- Drive to mcdonalds (2 burgers and chicken nuggets/fries)

Desert- Tub of half baked ice cream

Snack- Large bowl of chocolate cereal

Late night nibble- another bacon sandwhich

Early morning- large bowl of chips ( actually a real food diary)

It's awful- so much processed crap. I'm SO worried about him and last night told him so. I want us to have a happy, healthy and long life together and don't want our kids (when we eventually have them) to grow up having the same issues with food.

So, he has agreed to let me plan his meals (I said I would buy both of our weeks shopping this week) which I suppose is a big step as luckily he does realise he eats too much of the wrong stuff and that he does need to lose weight.

So, I did a massive shop at tesco to get fresh fruit, veg, lean meat, porridge, healthy frozen stuff etc that wouldn't need him to go out to the shops for at least a week.

His meal plan abides almost exactly to NHS daily RDAs, is 2000cals (although over the next couple of weeks I will probably reduce it to something like 1500 as there is no way he even needs that (very sedantary, doesn't exercise, won't even play on kinect etc ) - when I'm over at his we either end up cuddling, watching TV, studying, revising or gaming apart from ocassionally going out (basically, although having a nice time, sitting on our arses all day).

Today was the first day of adhering to it properly, and immediatly because we were going for a drive he said " Can you get me some skittles" The drive was less than an hour each way. I can understand eating on some car journeys (my granddad lives 5-6 hours away and sometimes we have lunch or get a BK (the only time we get fast food as a family !) but I really don't get this sense of entitlement to something sweet every time he gets in the car.

Fair enough I thought, he usually wants something alot worse so I said instead of having a large meal later I would do something smaller. Then he wants to go to a nearby pub that a friend really wants us to go to. He orders scampi chips and peas, sensible size portion. Then he nicks half of my leftovers (a quarter of the meal- I sometimes have a really small appetite)

Then he complains later of having "nothing in" if he is hungry. I ask him whether he is hungry now. He says no. But then gos on and on and on about it, obsessing that satsumas and pears don't give him much choice. So I go to tesco again, get strawberries, pinapple, melon, grapes, blackberrys etc , despite his plan saying he eats 6 small meals a day (I have tried big meals but he will eat between them) with the idea if he needs to eat 24/7 he can on healthy fibre high water based fruit.

He obsesses over food so much, almost thinks about it 24/7. He will also game to the early hours of the morning, causing him to eat more ("because I ate 4 hours ago...." to what I'm thinking erm, most people eat 2-3 times a day. As part of the plan I have also set a 'bedtime' of 11pm to make sure this does not happen.

Then he starts asking if he can have soup, I reply saying does it say that in the meal plan, he says no but I'm hungry. Fair enough the soups are only 100cals each, but knowing him he will have one every two hours if it was up to him.

If he stays up all all night gaming (he says it 'winds him down' but sometimes as late as 5-6am) , he can also be extremely ratty- same if he consumes anything with caffine or large amounts of sugar.

ARRGH. I almost want to get a nutritionist referral on his behalf but scared of what he will think but also scared if this meal plan doesn't work he will revert back to the above and there will be no way out of this vicious circle.

I love him very much, but I am scared as I know it is already is affecting his health (we are both hypermobile, but he has to take paracetomal & ibroprofen on a daily basis about 3 times a week at least- not good as he is borderline IBS and lactose intolerant. This is because of back pain, shoulder pain, foot pain etc.

What do I do, or am I being a RU evil girlfriend?

Please say someone has the same problem!

Are you Aussie/Kiwi? I'm asking because of your name (Bananasinpajamas) but mainly to clarify whether chips means "crisps"

I'm surprised he's "only" 18 stone eating that - I guess that's his age, what I'm saying is he'll get fatter, but you probably know that.

I would say he needs to want to lose weight. Does he want to? If so, why?

If not, why?

You might have to wait until he wants to.

It might be something that will ultimately divide you - I'm not saying that in a "hopeless case" kind of way - but I'd give the same advice to someone who might be with an alcoholic or drug addict - if they dont want to take hold of their behaviours and change for THEM, then there is nothing you can do except accept it, and I mean TOTALLY accept it, no judgement, no comments, NOTHING, until they are ready to change, otherwise it WILL divide you. Have you truly considered that?

Have you also considered that if you are his rescuer, once he has been "rescued" (if succesful) HE might move on? He might consider himself in a different light and worthy of a different relationship?

This is all very hard stuff to consider but I feel you should as this seems to be coming from you not him.

Alphamummy, he knows its a problem. He knows its unhealthy. He knows he's overweight. He is not in denial. He is willing to stick to what I give him, but just finding it so hard as its almost become a way of life for him because he hasn't known any different.

Can I ask, if you met a 23 year old adult, that had never been taught to read properly, and had a IQ in the top 5% of the population would you not want support to reach their potential and give them the right support to help them learn to read to access opportunities?

I'm surprised at the closed mindedness of mumsnet sometimes.

Can I ask that people only reply if they have advice that I can use to support and help him, rather than writing him off as a hopeless case

Not in AIBU you can't. AIBU invites opinions whether you like them or not. If you want support then you really need to repost this on another forum. If you click topics on the blue tab further up the screen on the left you'll find a whole list of forums to choose from.

Presumably you came here rather than a student chat forum because you were looking for advice from people older and more experienced but from their experience you are wasting your time and you won't accept that. We can't just tell you what you want to hear, there's no point.

Gemsy - I agree with you: I think it's slightly unfair to be making mean comments about the OP's boyfriend because he eats too much rather than too little. That being said, I still think that she'd be just as misguided in trying to "cure" a compulsive eater by buying him blueberries and lean meat as she'd be if she was trying to "cure" an anorexic boyfriend by making him tasty lasagnes every day.
(I also think that anorexics frequently encounter far less understanding reactions than "aww poor them, they have issues," but that's another issue.)

You can support and help him by loving and respecting him for who he is Now. You can do no more. The only person who can change him is himself. And if you want your relationship to last you will have to stop this, otherwise he will dump you for being nagging, being bossy and trying to change him. All valid reasons.

He ISN'T willing to stick to whatever you give him. "Can you get me some Skittles".

The advice here is good, you can only help and support him if he wants to be helped. He's not there yet.

I just don't think you can do this realistically, he isn't going to change because you are his minder. And in some ways, why should he change when he has all that he wants (games, lovely girlfriend) even though he is the size he is. Basically, he's fat and you need to think about whether that's ok for you. For some people, it is, my husband's boss is absolutely huge, a great and very family oriented guy, he's not good looking but is a great dad and his wife adores him. For her, the weight is not ideal, but it's how he is, and she loved him as he is.

There's no 'if only' here. He may continue to be fat and over-eat til the day he dies (probably sooner than others but not for a good long while necessarily). He may at some point get professional help or have some event trigger him losing weight. But you can't depend on it, plus there are lots of people out there who might not mind his weight if he's all the other things you say.

It's like dating a smoker, you might really really want them to change, but you can't do it for them and you can't make your relationship conditional like that. It's great that you are buying healthy food and modelling healthy eating, but actually controlling his everyday diet is too much, won't last and is going to make him feel bad about himself. I think I would think seriously about if he's what you want, size and all.

He is willing to stick to what I give him, but just finding it so hard as its almost become a way of life for him because he hasn't known any different.

Just giving him food won't help long term. Is he willing to learn about food for himself and take responsibility for what he eats. You can't be there all the time to control his food and he really will need to learn about it properly for himself.

It's not that we've closed-minds or that we've written this guy off, but it's actually what you're trying to do will not work.

You cannot put someone on a diet, start arranging appointments for them and take up responsibility for their health and weight.

Unless the drive to change comes from the person with the problem, it will not work.

1500 calories is not enough. He needs 2200 even on a diet. Are you trying to starve him?

Cut out all his carbs.

If I met someone who could not read I would ask them if they wanted to and put them in contact with a literacy course. Then it's up to them. I can't make anyone read.

Your boyfriend can read. If he wanted help with his obesity he would get it. He has chosen not to and I'm sorry OP but there is nothing you can do about it, so stop worrying and enjoy your relationship. Or stop your relationship and enjoy your life.

My son is 5ft 7" lots of muscle and even him on a diet he weighs 13 stone he needs to be 11.5, has only reduced his calorie intake to 2200.

Please don't starve him for god sake.

TattyDevine,

Here goes:

Are you Aussie/Kiwi? I'm asking because of your name (Bananasinpajamas) but mainly to clarify whether chips means "crisps"
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Nah, its after my favourite childhood tv programme- I had the tune in my head when trying to think of a username. I'm from the UK. Chips are Chips.

I'm surprised he's "only" 18 stone eating that - I guess that's his age, what I'm saying is he'll get fatter, but you probably know that.
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I'm aware that if he doesn't get the help and support that he desperately needs he will

I would say he needs to want to lose weight. Does he want to? If so, why?
---------------

He does. He has said it time and time again

It might be something that will ultimately divide you - I'm not saying that in a "hopeless case" kind of way - but I'd give the same advice to someone who might be with an alcoholic or drug addict - if they dont want to take hold of their behaviours and change for THEM, then there is nothing you can do except accept it, and I mean TOTALLY accept it, no judgement, no comments, NOTHING, until they are ready to change, otherwise it WILL divide you. Have you truly considered that?
----------------

He DOES want to change. Very much so.

Have you also considered that if you are his rescuer, once he has been "rescued" (if succesful) HE might move on? He might consider himself in a different light and worthy of a different relationship?
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TBH I hadn't considered that, but at the moment I love him unconditionally and want to focus on helping him get through this crap.

Thanks :) HTH

Encourage him to go to slimming world, you do not need to go hungry to lose weight.

I think you will spoil your relationship if you become his mother.

So if he "DOES want to change. Very much so," what's the problem?

Annapolly, what is the idea of slimming world?

It is not closed-mindedness. We are all seeing something here.

He is addicted to food. There are probably some very deep-seated psychological issues operating within him that, I am sorry to say, will not be fixed with meal plans and rigid policing by you of his food intake. I do not want to sound harsh but it is rather naive of you to think this is a practical problem and with a bit of effort you can fix it for him. It will make you responsible for it (quite wrongly) and before too long, the bad guy. It may be he will then take his frustration out on you and his inability to lose weight will be your fault as well.

In some ways this, like alcoholism, is even harder to deal with than addiction to illegal drugs because there is no simple means to avoid food. That's why the only regime that will work is SELF-discipline. He has to do it for himself.

One thing really worries me about your posts. They are all about him. Where are you in all this? Where are you in your boyfriend's thinking? You seem to have subsumed yourself to his needs and problems completely and that is not healthy.

By all means stay with him and enjoy life for now but don't be food police or carer.

Would he join something like Slimming World?

He might be surprised by the amount he can eat on Slimming World (if being hungry is an issue - he just has to eat the right stuff!) and he might find it more of an incentive to be weighed every week?

You could join too maybe and support him?

My ex was really big. He lost weight on the Atkins diet when we were together but he wasn't able to change his lifestyle. Since we've split up he started running and he looks fantastic - it wasn't just what he ate for him, it was getting up off his bum that made the difference.

Right - thanks OP - bit more info.

It seems he does want to help himself.

I think your input should be little more, then, than guiding him towards a diet plan that "sings" to him - it might be Weight Watchers or Slimming World (facilitate him attending - which if you are child-free doesn't mean much really as he is free to go wherever whenever within reason without family obligations!) or a book (Pig to Twig? Atkins - men like Atkins!) - or whatever - or just good old fashioned calorie counting...

And then being supportive - doing your part in getting the food in (supermarket shop - dont do any more than if he weren't on a diet - you are not his mother etc etc - cooking - if its your turn to cook, etc.

That is all you should need to do.

He will fall off the wagon from time to time, its normal.

Try not to interfere too much.

He will plateau from time to time. Try not to "notice"

That is all really...

Thanks guys ;)

Firstly, men need 2,500 calories a day.

Second - forgive me - I am rather concerned about your own attitude to food. You have told us you have a small appetite and that most people, in your view, eat '2-3 meals a day'. No, they eat three. And most people have something in between meals, in reality.

You've also worked out a plan based on RDAs. That's a lot of work. I wonder if you're overthinking this and I do wonder what your own relationship with food is like.

Even if I'm wrong, you're setting him up for failure by being too prescriptive. A better start to a diet would be to agree to cook his meals for him (with lots of veg to fill him up) and an agreement he'll cut out fried food, biscuits and sweets, but agreeing he can have other foods if he's starving (including so-so foods eg a chicken salad sandwich)

People who start out at Weightwatchers (which a member of my family did) eat more when they're overweight than people of normal weight do, because it uses more calories to make an overweight body tick over.

Thanks for the replies giys, I will let you know how I get on!