To think this isn't healthy.

[bananasinpjamas]

I almost think I need to get medical help on behalf of my BF. He is around the 18 stone mark/5ft7, is lovely and perfect in every way apart from what behaviorally he is like with food. I'm 20.

To give you a bit of background info, we live at uni together. He has ALOT of psychological baggage, which I won't go into here, but has seeked help for this that has worked in every way apart from the fact he still seems to have problems with food as a result of some of the crappyness he has been through.

He grew up not having any real limits on food. For example, although he is 23, if it was up to him, he would live on frozen smiley faces, scampi, chips, chicken dippers, crisps, chocolate, ice cream, sausage rolls, cornish pastries etc. This reflects what was in the freezer when I first met him, and also at his parents house.Despite this, since meeting me (I love cooking!) will eat and has cooked a variety of foods.

If it was up to him, he would be eating almost 10 times a day. A typical day would be:

Breakfast- Bacon sandwhich with butter and ketchup (3 peices of bacon and 1 fried egg)

Snack- Sausage roll and cheese in front of TV for a snack

Driving- 2 Lucazades and large bag of mistrals, scampi fries, cadburys cream egg whenever he drives ("Because I need to concentrate"- always happens with driving)

Lunch- Half a packet of smilies, half a packet of chicken nuggets for lunch

Snack- large packet of Chocolate raisins , bag of salt and vinegar chips

Dinner- Drive to mcdonalds (2 burgers and chicken nuggets/fries)

Desert- Tub of half baked ice cream

Snack- Large bowl of chocolate cereal

Late night nibble- another bacon sandwhich

Early morning- large bowl of chips ( actually a real food diary)

It's awful- so much processed crap. I'm SO worried about him and last night told him so. I want us to have a happy, healthy and long life together and don't want our kids (when we eventually have them) to grow up having the same issues with food.

So, he has agreed to let me plan his meals (I said I would buy both of our weeks shopping this week) which I suppose is a big step as luckily he does realise he eats too much of the wrong stuff and that he does need to lose weight.

So, I did a massive shop at tesco to get fresh fruit, veg, lean meat, porridge, healthy frozen stuff etc that wouldn't need him to go out to the shops for at least a week.

His meal plan abides almost exactly to NHS daily RDAs, is 2000cals (although over the next couple of weeks I will probably reduce it to something like 1500 as there is no way he even needs that (very sedantary, doesn't exercise, won't even play on kinect etc ) - when I'm over at his we either end up cuddling, watching TV, studying, revising or gaming apart from ocassionally going out (basically, although having a nice time, sitting on our arses all day).

Today was the first day of adhering to it properly, and immediatly because we were going for a drive he said " Can you get me some skittles" The drive was less than an hour each way. I can understand eating on some car journeys (my granddad lives 5-6 hours away and sometimes we have lunch or get a BK (the only time we get fast food as a family !) but I really don't get this sense of entitlement to something sweet every time he gets in the car.

Fair enough I thought, he usually wants something alot worse so I said instead of having a large meal later I would do something smaller. Then he wants to go to a nearby pub that a friend really wants us to go to. He orders scampi chips and peas, sensible size portion. Then he nicks half of my leftovers (a quarter of the meal- I sometimes have a really small appetite)

Then he complains later of having "nothing in" if he is hungry. I ask him whether he is hungry now. He says no. But then gos on and on and on about it, obsessing that satsumas and pears don't give him much choice. So I go to tesco again, get strawberries, pinapple, melon, grapes, blackberrys etc , despite his plan saying he eats 6 small meals a day (I have tried big meals but he will eat between them) with the idea if he needs to eat 24/7 he can on healthy fibre high water based fruit.

He obsesses over food so much, almost thinks about it 24/7. He will also game to the early hours of the morning, causing him to eat more ("because I ate 4 hours ago...." to what I'm thinking erm, most people eat 2-3 times a day. As part of the plan I have also set a 'bedtime' of 11pm to make sure this does not happen.

Then he starts asking if he can have soup, I reply saying does it say that in the meal plan, he says no but I'm hungry. Fair enough the soups are only 100cals each, but knowing him he will have one every two hours if it was up to him.

If he stays up all all night gaming (he says it 'winds him down' but sometimes as late as 5-6am) , he can also be extremely ratty- same if he consumes anything with caffine or large amounts of sugar.

ARRGH. I almost want to get a nutritionist referral on his behalf but scared of what he will think but also scared if this meal plan doesn't work he will revert back to the above and there will be no way out of this vicious circle.

I love him very much, but I am scared as I know it is already is affecting his health (we are both hypermobile, but he has to take paracetomal & ibroprofen on a daily basis about 3 times a week at least- not good as he is borderline IBS and lactose intolerant. This is because of back pain, shoulder pain, foot pain etc.

What do I do, or am I being a RU evil girlfriend?

Please say someone has the same problem!

I thought the weetabix was supper after he's had the scampi and chips at the pub for tea?

For exercise he could just start with a 20 minute daily walk. He needs to take it steadily to start off with.

Or could he get a treadmill and go on that while he's watching the TV, take his mind off snacking?

Would probably help to get him moving a bit. I'm not suggesting ultra-marathon training, but just getting him out of the house. Do you exercise?

You are concerned about his weight because of his health issues all well and good. You cannot change him though as he is an adult. You have choices:

1. You accept him as he is and indeed as he was when he met you and live with the long term consequences of having a severely overweight partner

2. You keep on trying to change him which may help in the short term, but longer term he is likely to a) pile the weight back on as none of the thought pattern processes that have led to him being this weight are being addressed and b) he will resent you as the food authority figure and you will resent him because he doesn't always do what you tell him to do

3. You tell him that you love him but cannot see a long term future with him because you are concerned about his long term health prognosis and then either finish the relationship or give him a time period to address it if he wants to.

In a way overeating is similar to smoking, the person has to want to address the issue themselves. You can support ( which is vastly different from dictating) by having healthy options in the house and adopting a healthy lifestyle, but ultimately thats all you can do.

The OP's BF has acknowledged that he eats too much and of the wrong things. He also said he realises he needs to lose weight.

He needs to find a way of doing this that he isn't going to give up on.

I think you will need to give him a bit more control, currently you are taking responsibility for his problem (asking if he can have skittles for example) and if he doesn't lose weight, you might be blamed in some way. It isn't a very healthy dynamic and might seep into the rest of your relationship.

I would suggest that you suggest he keeps an on-line food diary, there are people even bigger than him on them and forums for help and support - so it wouldn't just be your opinion all the time. Start off just with his normal diet, it might shock him with how many calories it is, but he will start to learn that you can have three bowls of porridge, say, for the same calories as a bowl or frosties. It will mean he learns about healthy food choices and consequences (the my fitness plan says daily "if every day was like today you would weigh X in five weeks"). It gives him some control back and you don't have to be so involved.

I would also second the exercise idea, physical inactivity is bad in so many other ways as well as weight. It might be why people are throwing around words like lazy (don't think people are that judgemental about over eating) but if he is willing to try, that is a good thing. I would be surprised if the gym was a good starting point, considering he is fairly reluctant. Take advantage of being at university, the number of sports groups available and facilities are a really good opportunity to try new things.

Bananas

Are you familiar with the psychology of change? Is your BF?

You refer to him having already dealt with issues - it'd be useful to know the techniques he's already used and their impact.

Anyway, the psychology of change says that a few things are required for change that will stick:

• a detailed understanding of where you are (i.e. I am x lbs overweight as opposed to I am overweight)
• a detailed understanding of the desired endpoint (x lbs is a healthy weight / I would like to weigh x stones so I can do xxx ..)
• a roadmap (plan) for how to get from here to ther with timescales
• buy-in from those involved (i.e. self-motivation, support)
• regular feedback (set points for weigh-ins / health checks which should be tracked against plans from the roadmap)
• an understanding of the inevitable emotions - initial enthusiasm, a slump or despondancy at the work required.... and safety nets in place to deal with them
• reminders of the reasons for change should be incorporated into the plan

To be honest, from reading your posts - and I may have missed some detail - the overeating sounds like a red herring. As with the excessive game playing. Your BF could be at risk of substituting one method of self-medication with another if the root cause of his eating / gaming aren't acknowledged. However the steps above can be used if he genuinely wants to change his lifestyle. Apologies if I've missed something, but from what I've read he's talked about wanting to change but hasn't done much more, if so he's maybe not truly ready yet. The planning for change step can take years for some people and others rushing it "you should give up smoking"-style rarely helps.

I say this because I am concerned that the enforced diet could be seen by him as "Bananas won't let me do xxxx" rather than a self-imposed "I shouldn't do xxxx".

You can support him by suggesting routes for assistance (slimming clubs, books, online support, nutritional info...) but I fear that you doing so much may cause issues in your relationship. In my opinion, your support should be emotional in nature: support his choice to change, give him info on strategies and let him choose which to follow, don't suggest going out for junk food even if you fancy some yourself....

I've known a few people who were immensely helped by cognitive behavioural therapy for their weight problems. It's basically a way of training your brain to think along more healthy tracks, rather than self-destructive ones. (I've had it myself for different reasons and I loved it, it saved my life actually.)

Meals plans are not addressing the real problem, and I think what you are trying with him now is too drastic a change at any rate.

Most universities have a LOT of counseling services available, I would check in at your student welfare office.

I think you're sweet to try to help him, and I'm sorry if a lot of replies are upsetting you, but please try to be realistic about what you can do. Good luck

Bananasinpajamas

Your thread has makes me think of one of my oldest and dearest friends and as a result of that I?ve ended up with a ridiculously long post, which admittedly says a lot of what others are saying, so I?ll break it in two.

Part A ? the historical anecdote

I met my friend, I?ll call him Bill, just over 20 years ago when we were fresh out of university. Bill had a top first degree from a top university and then went on to have a highly successful career, heading to the (nearly) top of the organization he joined. Although taller than your boy friend, Bill was similarly overweight.

Bill is one of the kindest, most loyal, brightest guys you could hope to meet. He?s been a brilliant boss as he?s progressed through the ranks and his personal work ethic is ferocious and disciplined. He is also (unlike your friend) a quite staggeringly good cook.

But for all that he had a weight problem that began badly and just got worse over the years. I am more than certain that there were a lot of psychological issues, but I?m not a professional and I wouldn?t go further than to say I think he took comfort in food and used it as his support.

Bill?s girlfriend who he also met shortly after university was (and is) a very slender woman. Also bright and driven by work and ?achieving things? and was determined to help him slim down when they got together. He was not only keen to please her but knew his weight needed to be sorted out in any case.

But what his girlfriend did was to try and restrict Bill to eating only what she ate and in the same proportion as she ate. Bill felt he was being starved (and for all I know maybe he was, in comparison to his base line needs) and couldn?t sustain it. He felt bad about it, and to be honest a bit resentful to the girlfriend. She felt a bit resentful about his failure too but they parked the issue and he remained overweight and continued to gain as the years went by ? with notable increases at times of particular work stress. (Disclaimer: I'm not the girlfriend, but got to hear this story from both of them).

In Bill?s late 30s though he had a ?wake up? medical issue. It was serious and it did shock him and he got his act together. It?s been wonderful to see what, in effect, is a much younger man emerging as he has lost weight, taken up exercise and gained a little more happiness in life along the way.

Part B

It may be, Bananas, that you have found a ?Bill? of your own. And if you have, you really have found an absolutely lovely man who is not lazy or disrespectful or a waste of space but who does have some pretty deep rooted issues that can?t be tackled overnight.

But I really would discourage you from attempting to control your young man?s diet as Bill?s girlfriend tried to do ? and based on your posts that is what you are trying to do. It won?t work. It is 99.99% doomed to fail and that will make both of you feel bad and worst case scenario it will then take another 20 years and a major health scare to put him on the right track. And this isn?t necessary.

By all means support him and encourage him. Your boyfriend clearly needs to learn more about basic nutrition and you can help teach and reinforce, but he has huge changes he needs to make in his life and hurtling into a restricted diet is not the way to get there. He has a marathon to run here ? so don?t set off at a sprint.

There are supported weight loss programmes ? they can help him ? and he won?t feel hungry on them and that?s crucial if he?s going to stick at it. He needs to learn, and it will be gradual, how to change his tastes, his habits and his instincts.

Your boyfriend almost certainly also needs to be less sedentary ? that?s somewhere else you can help. Don?t send him circuit training, you?ll kill him, but see what activities you can enjoy together ? swimming, biking, walking. The body wasn?t designed to sit all day ? it usually feels better when its getting out and about a bit ? and harnessing feelings of all round well being will help with eating the right foods and getting to a healthy shape. For both of you!

And I really support all the posters who point out how much of a mind game this is. You can?t fully diagnose what is going on in his relationship with food any more than I ever could with Bill. Even though I clearly had some views, I have no way of knowing how near the mark I was much less how to help him change that relationship. Your boyfriend may need counselling, he may need to start off with some guidance from a professional nutritionist. You can support all of that, but you can?t do it for him. Encourage him to see this as a long term change, and help him set a sustainable pace by all means but let him take the lead.

It?s really lovely that you care, but you need to give him space to take control of himself with you as his supportive backdrop. Micromanaging his diet isn?t support. Teaching him what you expect him to eat is not the same and not nearly as good as helping him to a state where he actively wants to make the better choices because he wants to and because he knows it makes him feel better. Otherwise you really do risk setting both of you up for failure. Wishing you both all the best.

Thanks for these replies :) He has had a much better day today and we even went for a 3 mile walk which was lovely and romantic :)

There is another flip side. If you love the man, love him as he is. It is unfair of you to fall for him but then try and change what he looks like. I appreciate that in your eyes it is for his health and to ensure a long life together. However, if you fall in love with a man who is 18 stone, love him at 18 stone.

To eat the way he does may well have issues with food and body image. You telling him you love him but I want you to lose weight is actually a negative image.

Today had another much better day- he hasn't 'cheated' with anything and after just a few days I have noticed a MASSIVE change in his personality- so much more energetic, hyper, fun and virtually no 'moodyness' at all. Its lovely- he feels alot better in himself and he has told his mates & they are egging him on and supporting him which is fab. He is actually leaving stuff on his plate now and doesn't seem to be thinking about food nearly as much. Really happy. He seems alot more happier in himself and has noticed a massive change already which has convinced him to stick with it. Thanks for those of you that gave your support :)

I suggest you get hold of a book called "why we get fat" and give it to him. If he's as clever as you say and wants to sort himself out then he'll read it. If not then you know where this is all heading.

I don't think your meal plan has a hope in hell of working because it is far too dramatic all at once. Dieting is so, so hard - if you do it by martyring yourself and living on fruit and air then you can't keep it up longterm. What he needs are small meals and often, which is what you started trying to do - but your calorie-range is off for his weight. If the man eats two burgers AND nuggets and fries and drink at a typical evening meal, he is not going to be able to leap from that to a skinless chicken breast and salad, for example.

My suggestion - revise your meal plan. Buy some of the treat foods he loves like crisps, but separate into 100cal packs. Try to get him to become aware of every 100cals he ingests - he needs to start seeing how the numbers pile up. I would probably let him have his usual week's diet for 1 week first, with a food log, so he can count everything and start to see how massively over the top it is.

Keep the cal count to 2500 minimum at first - split if you can into 400cals for breakfast, 500 cals for lunch, 500 for dinner and the rest as the small er meals and snacks.

I think the most unhealthy thing is the late nights gaming. That smacks of depression and is so unhealthy. Also rubbish for your relationship - I know someone whose marriage almost broke up recently in similar circumstances, and she had actively encouraged his gaming up until the end, thinking it was harmless as it kept him home rather than out...

I would really, really consider if you want to be the one to take this on. His family may resent you for it too - they would see it as an attack on their own lifestyle. It really is a horrid situation to be in :-(