To think this isn't healthy.

[bananasinpjamas]

I almost think I need to get medical help on behalf of my BF. He is around the 18 stone mark/5ft7, is lovely and perfect in every way apart from what behaviorally he is like with food. I'm 20.

To give you a bit of background info, we live at uni together. He has ALOT of psychological baggage, which I won't go into here, but has seeked help for this that has worked in every way apart from the fact he still seems to have problems with food as a result of some of the crappyness he has been through.

He grew up not having any real limits on food. For example, although he is 23, if it was up to him, he would live on frozen smiley faces, scampi, chips, chicken dippers, crisps, chocolate, ice cream, sausage rolls, cornish pastries etc. This reflects what was in the freezer when I first met him, and also at his parents house.Despite this, since meeting me (I love cooking!) will eat and has cooked a variety of foods.

If it was up to him, he would be eating almost 10 times a day. A typical day would be:

Breakfast- Bacon sandwhich with butter and ketchup (3 peices of bacon and 1 fried egg)

Snack- Sausage roll and cheese in front of TV for a snack

Driving- 2 Lucazades and large bag of mistrals, scampi fries, cadburys cream egg whenever he drives ("Because I need to concentrate"- always happens with driving)

Lunch- Half a packet of smilies, half a packet of chicken nuggets for lunch

Snack- large packet of Chocolate raisins , bag of salt and vinegar chips

Dinner- Drive to mcdonalds (2 burgers and chicken nuggets/fries)

Desert- Tub of half baked ice cream

Snack- Large bowl of chocolate cereal

Late night nibble- another bacon sandwhich

Early morning- large bowl of chips ( actually a real food diary)

It's awful- so much processed crap. I'm SO worried about him and last night told him so. I want us to have a happy, healthy and long life together and don't want our kids (when we eventually have them) to grow up having the same issues with food.

So, he has agreed to let me plan his meals (I said I would buy both of our weeks shopping this week) which I suppose is a big step as luckily he does realise he eats too much of the wrong stuff and that he does need to lose weight.

So, I did a massive shop at tesco to get fresh fruit, veg, lean meat, porridge, healthy frozen stuff etc that wouldn't need him to go out to the shops for at least a week.

His meal plan abides almost exactly to NHS daily RDAs, is 2000cals (although over the next couple of weeks I will probably reduce it to something like 1500 as there is no way he even needs that (very sedantary, doesn't exercise, won't even play on kinect etc ) - when I'm over at his we either end up cuddling, watching TV, studying, revising or gaming apart from ocassionally going out (basically, although having a nice time, sitting on our arses all day).

Today was the first day of adhering to it properly, and immediatly because we were going for a drive he said " Can you get me some skittles" The drive was less than an hour each way. I can understand eating on some car journeys (my granddad lives 5-6 hours away and sometimes we have lunch or get a BK (the only time we get fast food as a family !) but I really don't get this sense of entitlement to something sweet every time he gets in the car.

Fair enough I thought, he usually wants something alot worse so I said instead of having a large meal later I would do something smaller. Then he wants to go to a nearby pub that a friend really wants us to go to. He orders scampi chips and peas, sensible size portion. Then he nicks half of my leftovers (a quarter of the meal- I sometimes have a really small appetite)

Then he complains later of having "nothing in" if he is hungry. I ask him whether he is hungry now. He says no. But then gos on and on and on about it, obsessing that satsumas and pears don't give him much choice. So I go to tesco again, get strawberries, pinapple, melon, grapes, blackberrys etc , despite his plan saying he eats 6 small meals a day (I have tried big meals but he will eat between them) with the idea if he needs to eat 24/7 he can on healthy fibre high water based fruit.

He obsesses over food so much, almost thinks about it 24/7. He will also game to the early hours of the morning, causing him to eat more ("because I ate 4 hours ago...." to what I'm thinking erm, most people eat 2-3 times a day. As part of the plan I have also set a 'bedtime' of 11pm to make sure this does not happen.

Then he starts asking if he can have soup, I reply saying does it say that in the meal plan, he says no but I'm hungry. Fair enough the soups are only 100cals each, but knowing him he will have one every two hours if it was up to him.

If he stays up all all night gaming (he says it 'winds him down' but sometimes as late as 5-6am) , he can also be extremely ratty- same if he consumes anything with caffine or large amounts of sugar.

ARRGH. I almost want to get a nutritionist referral on his behalf but scared of what he will think but also scared if this meal plan doesn't work he will revert back to the above and there will be no way out of this vicious circle.

I love him very much, but I am scared as I know it is already is affecting his health (we are both hypermobile, but he has to take paracetomal & ibroprofen on a daily basis about 3 times a week at least- not good as he is borderline IBS and lactose intolerant. This is because of back pain, shoulder pain, foot pain etc.

What do I do, or am I being a RU evil girlfriend?

Please say someone has the same problem!

Wow how easy it is to sit in judgement.

If the op was the one with the weight issue and said that her bf had put her on a strict diet people would still be blaming him and he would have been branded a twat and worse. Instead people are calling him names (revolting, etc) even though he is the one with the weight problem.

Have none of you ever started a diet and found it hard? Have none of you ever started out with good intentions and ended up eating that slice of cake/drinking that glass of wine/quaffing that bar of chocolate on the first day? No-one?

Op - I do agree that losing weight has to be something he wants to do for himself, and it has to be for himself, not for you, because any other option will just build resentment. I don't however believe he should just be written off, so as long as it's what he wants then of course you can support him. However, if you are the one to sort out his meal plans etc then you run the risk of acting like his mother rather than his girlfriend. So what you need to do is to encourage him to seek help elsewhere, e.g. to join a weight loss programme such as slimming world/weight watchers, where he can be with like-minded people who all have the same goal.

If you want to do something to help and encourage him then perhaps suggest joining a gym together, or if money is tight, suggest going out running/for long walks, it's getting lighter and warmer now, it's a perfect time to do just that.

It is unreasonable to expect him to change overnight - it takes time and a lot of willpower to break the habbits of a lifetime.

The type of food he seems to like indicates he is stuck in childhood :)

Very babyish IMO ~poor thing .

I guess the food is a smokescreen ,I think counseling would help un-cover the reasons behind his childish palate .

I think he sounds endearing though :) although, I know it must be very difficult to live with .

You will need help though I fear ,I don't think this can be fixed overnight .

Good luck :)

Thanks Wannabe. I suppose it wasn't too bad today, for breakfast he had 2 scrambled eggs, a pear lunch- tuna salad with sweet lettuce/carrots, handful of dried fruit, 5 satsumas and weetabix for supper, so the skittles/scampi/1 portion more of soup probably made me think I need to be:

A) Firmer and just not get any in the first place
B) More understanding, apart from this slip up he has completely thrown himself into the rest of it, and still probably has eaten alot less than he would normally eat.

Suppose I've just got to be patient and let it go since he has thrown everything else out. :)

TBH i think many young men have crappy diets and eat too much and too much of the wrong stuff - drink as well- especially when away from home. However, many still are active so haven't quite put on the weight yet or they are still young and have those metabilisims (sp) which still let them get away with it - unless they change their eating habbits they nearly always end up bigger or with those beer bellys and moobs after a few years of this.

i did this in my late teens and put on a bit of weight - too much partying, eating out, take aways etc (remember coming out a club and Having 2 fish suppers at 3 in the morning.)

I did change though - cut out the crap and eat more healthily and stabilized my weight so it can be done - it's just to whether he really wants to or will wise up in time to save your relationship.

the other posters really do have a point - but it is possible that he can pull this round but HE really needs to want to and has to be the driving force.

Fucking hell, bananas. You're waaay too involved here. Your role is to support him on his path, not create the path and lead him by the nose. Being able to detail every morsel that has passed his lips is overkill.

If you're both at uni, there should be counselling available. Maybe through the student union?

Good luck, but back off a bit for your own sake.

Fastedwina, thanks very much for your insight :)

"Thanks Wannabe. I suppose it wasn't too bad today, for breakfast he had 2 scrambled eggs, a pear lunch- tuna salad with sweet lettuce/carrots, handful of dried fruit, 5 satsumas and weetabix for supper, so the skittles/scampi/1 portion more of soup probably made me think I need to be:

A) Firmer and just not get any in the first place
B) More understanding, apart from this slip up he has completely thrown himself into the rest of it, and still probably has eaten alot less than he would normally eat.

Suppose I've just got to be patient and let it go since he has thrown everything else out."

Theres something just a little bit odd about this. (and not just the completely inadequate diet plan - how on earth do you expect someone with his appetite to go from eating what he does to eating wheetabix for dinner - he will undoubtedly end up starving and in carb deficit, and have to binge).

You seem to very much want to act as his rescuer. While this dyamic may work for you, the way you are clamouring for attention for it is a little unusual, as is the views opposite to the one you like are ignored. Be careful not to fall into Munchausen's Syndrome by Proxy.

bananas - he really is heavy for his age and height and will have real health problems if he can't get out of this cycle. Good luck if you really feel he is worth it and has the determination to turn this round but it will need a major rethink on his whole lifestyle - with me the weight gain wasn't that great and was really a bit of a phase though did take me a good few years to get a grip. of it.

Thanks fastedwina :)

BUMP.

I agree, the sudden change in his diet is too much to expect anyone to stick to.

He might find it easier to adopt the "change one thing at a time" approach. So change breakfast to something healthy, stick to it for a couple of weeks until it becomes a habit, then pick something else to change, e.g. swap an unhealthy snack for some fruit.

If that daily menu you posted is typical, then he is eating way over 2,500 a day. Given his weight, he's probably using more than 2,500 a day too. So cutting his calorie intake to 1,500 a day, will mean he loses weight far too fast. He needs to reduce the calories gradually, aiming for a 2-3 lb a week weight loss.

You know you can do WeightWatchers and Slimming World online, which may appeal to your BF. Do have a look at the websites as the stuff you can access for free is very good.

woah, what's with all the fat, disgusting, lazy talk. This guy clearly has an eating disorder. The OP said as much herself in that he's come through other psychological problems but is still left with his food addiction. If he was anorexic, or even, dare I say it, a woman with binge eating issues, people would not be responding so hatefully. That food diary adds up to at least 6000 calories, he is way beyond just being greedy here.

And since when did we leave start advising people to leave the people they love because they're dealing with some issues??

bananas, I think what you're trying to do for your boyfriend is great but you need medical guidance, both physically (1500 isn't enough for him) and psychologically (get him back into counselling if you can).

Weetabix for supper? You/he need to research healthy eating. I also agree about 1500 calories not being nearly enough.

Your heart is in the right place, but perhaps he could consider joining something like weight watchers. You could even go with him to learn more about calories and foods, and to support him.
My first step father ate like that and died at age 51 from a heart attack. He also had bad eating habits from his childhood.

Bananas he would be much better of having something like a decent serving of chicken, some new potatoes and lots of veg for salad rather than weetabix. Agree with those saying Slimming World, think it is very good for those who eat a lot. Basic idea is you have a dairy allowance daily, a choice from a list of bread/cereal things then you can eat as much as you like from a long lust of things like lean meat, poultry, fish, beans, pulses, potatoes, pasta, rice but you must have a third of your plate filled with most fruit and veg (apart from the starchy ones like peas, sweetcorn, parsnips and spud) you then have an allowance to build in a treat or two. Basically you eat when hungry so it takes away that element. He can just join online if he'd rather not go to the class.

But, and here's the big but, he has to go and sort this for himself, then you can support him. It will not work long term until he learns to take some responsibility for his eating habits and you're not doing him any favours by letting him sit back and do nothing to be involved with the who's losing weight journey, and it is one, however much of a cliche it sounds.

The good news is he's young and male and if he can get his head round doing it and goes for it, there will be a huge difference in him in 6 months. Thinking about it, maybe the best thing you can do for him is get him to see his GP and get a referral to SW, I would suggest at this point it would be a better one for him than WW. A lot of areas will pay for 12 weeks membership. They also have an exercise prescription scheme. It doesn't matter really what he does but the key is,he has to take some responsibility which at the moment he isn't. Your role in support is hugely important but it needs to be support, not in control. Good luck.

He sounds to me like he has an eating disorder.

Compulsive eating, eating those processed foods that give you a 'high' (processed, sugar laden or starchy foods can be addictive).

I know this because I struggled with this. I also ate compulsively and I got furious if 'thwarted'. No matter how many good intentions I had, when I needed my next 'fix', nothing else mattered. Not my weight, not my health, not the promises I had made to myself. I had to eat. And it had nothing at all to do with being hungry.

In the same way that being anorexic has got nothing to do with food. You do not become anorexic because you don't like food or because you are not hungry. It is not actually about food. Compulsive eating is the flip side of that coin. It is not about liking food. It is not about being hungry. Food is what you use, it's nothing more than your weapon of choice. Your issues are emotional, psychological. You play them out through abuse of food. Either not eating or not stopping!

IF he is a compulsive or binge eater, he doesn't need a nutritionist. He doesn't need a dietician. He doesn't need you to meal plan for him. He needs a therapist.

Can I just add something on calories?

To lose 1 pound of fat a week we need to create a calorie deficit of 500 calories a day. To lose 2 pounds of fat a week we need to eat 1000 less calories a day than we "need". Any less than that is not advised unless a medically controlled diet that has all the nutrients you need in it (Lighterlife, Cambridge diet, "shakes" - basically these are formulated to have the vitamins, minerals and macronutrients you need without the calories) because at less than 1000 calories a day (which is what a woman would be on to lose 2 pounds a week) is not deemed able to provide everything nutritionally that is needed.

A woman's calorie requirements to maintain weight are 2000 a day. A man's are 2500.

So I disagree with posters who say he "needs" 2500 calories a day. Granted, at 18 stone, he will lose weight initially on 2500 a day - its a fraction of what he's been having. But for prolonged weight loss later on when he's already lost some and is feeding a smaller "engine" (smaller engine needs less petrol!) he will need to create that calorie deficit to carry on losing weight and stay motivated - there is nothing wrong with him going down to 2000 calories or even 1500. What he must not do, however, is go down to 1000 unless under medical supervision, in order to not malnourish himself.

Of course it doesn't all have to be done with diet - he could go down to 2000 calories of food and create a further calorie deficit of another 500 calories a day with exercise, yielding a 2 pound a week weight loss and still eating pretty well.

Of course, at 18 stone he will lose at a faster rate than 2lb a week but by the time he's down to about 14 stone he will find that he has to work harder to create that deficit - but by then hopefully he's more used to the new lifestyle, fiinding he's enjoying exercise more, and so pleased with his new health and vigour he wouldn't go back to his old ways for anything.

That's the idea anyway! As long as he can deal with the emotional baggage that goes with it. Most people who do return to their old ways have not addressed the emotional benefits they get from eating and why they exist. That's actually the hard bit!

Take up a sport together?

He needs to exercise.

I have a crappy diet at times, and overeat often, but am lovely and slim because I exercise.

Bananas, I think your partner needs to get some professional advice from a qualified dietician if he is serious about adopting a more healthy diet, because you seem to be replacing unhealthy meals with inadequate ones. Weetabix is not enough for an evening meal if he wants to go through to breakfast. Most people eat 3 proper meals per day (not 2) .

I have to say that the issue of you controlling his food intake worries me. Buying in healthy food , cooking healthy meals, fair enough. But he shouldn't need your permission to eat.

He needs advice from somebody qualified to work out a safe diet plan. Perhaps his GP could refer him ?

Its true, you dont want to set him up for failure.

You know those burger vans that exist in the car parks of DIY shops like B&Q and Homebase?

They are for men on diets.

"Just popping to B&Q darling for some um screw bits and err some more WD40"

10 minutes later nomnomnomnom

Bananas, I have just read though this, and it is only as I get to the last few posts that I see exercise mentioned by anyone. That is the key thing here. You dont mention any. That is more dangerous than the amount of food he is eating.

At 23, he should be at peak fitness, and able to get away with eating a lot of the crap he is doing, because he should be a lot more active. Stop the car journeys, get walking.

Cut down the sugar and carbs, his body does not need so much of them. Get to the gym and get fitter. He is a high risk of developing diabetes, high blood pressure and many other weight related health issues if he doesnt sort it out, as you are probably aware.

As he likes computer games, get a wii fit, and start off on that.

Ditch the lucozade and other soft sugary drinks, drink water.

Also think you're on a hiding to nothing and you should STOP PANDERING to his behaviour!

STOP running around for him, STOP feeding his habit/addiction...

He will end up with serious health problems....

He needs to help himself (if he is to lose the weight). No-one can do it for him...AND he needs to EXERCISE!

There are NO shortcuts here...he's got to put in some hard work and effort to lose the weight and HE has got to do it for him. By pandering to it you are not helping the situation but making it worse.

Have to say that you really do sound like you are his Mummy...and that he is your 'project'.

But what happens when Mummy isn't around?

He doesn't seem to have any discipline where food is concerned and you can't do anything about that.

SOD his IQ....if he doesn't lose weight and change his diet he's heading for an early death (blunt but true) and where will that leave any future career or his relationship with you. I think that you are part of his problem here (as is so often the case in these instances). I don't think you'll listen as you just want people to tell you what more you can do for him...you seem to be rather blinkered (to say the least).