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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask genuinely, why people don't get married?

617 replies

Lookandlearn · 05/04/2011 19:38

if they are in a committed, permanent relationship and have children? It's a genuine question and I am happy to be ignored if it's too mosey, but gives an airing to side issues from another thread on here.

OP posts:
LDNmummy · 07/04/2011 00:29

Just wanted to share that BTW Blush

Marraige sometimes is just simply not for everyone. Sometimes it is as simple as it being viewed by a couple as more hassle than it is worth.

On consideration, going to a solicitor is much simpler than a big wedding.

Debbiecakes · 07/04/2011 00:38

Having been on both sides of fence
11 years, 1 child not married. Didn't bother me in slightest
But then ex had affair............. Whether we were married or not he still would have so don't think the ring would have made a difference

Cue single parent status for a few years

Met someone new, got married and love it. Can't imagine not being married now. Maybe age changed my mind LOL. I think it was important to DD, but that prob has more to do with splitting from her Dad and she felt the need for security - at their age kids assume marriage is forever. (although this is not why we got married at all).

Don't think money is a reason not to get married but equally don't think people should get married unless they want to. I just think its important we teach kids that we're committed as families and make them feel secure, married or not.

Think its an individual choice. There are practical reasons for getting married, but thats slowly changing as the law starts to recognises its not a choice everyone wants to make, but a couple are no less committed.

Think its down to what you want as a couple. If you are happy not married and have no desire then why change.

I only think its a problem when one half wants to be married and the other doesn't.

CheerfulYank · 07/04/2011 02:35

I wanted to and DH wanted to. I love parties and we're religious, so there you go. :)

Certainly don't think there's anything wrong with not being married though...horses for courses and all.

shitmagnet · 07/04/2011 03:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Parmallama · 07/04/2011 07:10

If it looks like a bun-fight then it probably is one!

When people express their views, to have them twisted around to mean something else...then that's not debate or point of view...that's stirring an argument deliberately. Not clever.

From what I've seen, the only ones commenting on marriage being 'superior' are some of the un-marrieds...who I suspect deep down have an inferiority complex about their own situation.

As a newbie myself I don't know the history, but I probably would stay away from threads like this in future because they achieve nothing, just end up in a slanging match.

noddyholder · 07/04/2011 08:06

Most of the un married here seem to have a take it or leave it view on marriage I know I do (for others that is) .You are trying to back handedly say it is because of their own inferiority complex about their own situation which is a trying to be clever way of saying the same thing. You are obviously new to think you are better than anyone else on here.Why assume an inferiority complex because of a lifestyle choice dear dear. Hiding thread now enjoy the bunfight!Hmm

Jogon · 07/04/2011 08:43

I have no interest either way in other people's relationship statuses but am happy that I am married. We have a substantial number of assets/pensions etc etc and it would be a minefield legally to unravel it all and marriage neatly does that.

Someone earlier said they cringe when referred to as wife. I cringe when people talk about my partner and I always correct them. I'm not a lesbian nor in business so I do not have a " partner". Even my unmarried friends loathe that phrase.

mummytasha11 · 07/04/2011 08:46

me and my partner have been together for 7 years and have a 12 week old beautiful baby boy and everything is perfect...why change anything?

i see having a baby together more of a commitment than a piece of paper

one day we might just for formality's but don't see it as a must

catinboots · 07/04/2011 08:53

jogon - the word partner makes me cringe too. Although we are getting married this year, I still refer to DP as my boyfriend!

He's 43 BTW

bruffin · 07/04/2011 08:55

"i see having a baby together more of a commitment than a piece of paper"

You can have a baby with a stranger you have known for 10 minutes or even one you have never met through sperm donation, hardly a commitment.

if you can't even be bothered to make a commitment to get married and make a legal contract, i don't really see a baby as making a commitment together.
We got married as a stage in our relationship which meant we knew we wanted to spend our lives together. Children came along next when we were ready for the after the commitment not as a commitment.

TandB · 07/04/2011 08:59

Parmallama Thu 07-Apr-11 07:10:13
From what I've seen, the only ones commenting on marriage being 'superior' are some of the un-marrieds...who I suspect deep down have an inferiority complex about their own situation.

And there we go again. First it was "the un-marrieds are defensive". Now it is "inferiority complex".

You wouldn't be saying those things if you didn't think that one option is better than the other.

And no, it is not the "un-marrieds" (what a ridiculous term, if you think about it - like married is the default position) who are commenting on marriage being superior - it has been said several times on this thread. Non-marital relationships have been referred to as "second rate" among other things.

TandB · 07/04/2011 09:01

I have a partner. It doesn't make me cringe and I have never for one moment assumed that anyone thought I was a lesbian or referring to my business partner. We are in a partnership - working together to build a happy family and a good life.

catinboots · 07/04/2011 09:06

bruffin - good post

mummytasha11 · 07/04/2011 09:08

ovb living in the modern age

mummytasha11 · 07/04/2011 09:15

'if you can't even be bothered to make a commitment to get married and make a legal contract, i don't really see a baby as making a commitment together'

its not a case of 'cant be bothered' we just dont want to, nothing wrong with that, we are happy with the way things are and will one day get married but i dont see it changing our relationship in any way other than labelling ourselves husband and wife. we decided to have a baby together and to start a family.

my parents have been married for 25 years and hopefully one day ill be matching this but its not something i see as vital

seeker · 07/04/2011 09:16

Last post before I scream with exasperation and leave. I can;t be bothered to trawl all the way through to find all the posts where people sayt hat marriage is superior to cohabitation, but from memory, cohabitation has been described as second rate, that either party can just walk away, that it means that the woman is settling for a man who doesn't want to marry her, that you're not part of the wider family unless you are married, that your children are illegitimate (and this is a disadvantage)....I could go on - but I know someone will come along in a minute and tell me it's all becaue I really want to wear a meringue and I have an inferiority complex.

Some people choose to be married. Some people don't. People who don't generally don't consider themselves superior to those who do, and are quite happy for peopel to marry if they want to. Bizarrely, people who do marry get really hot under the collar when it's suggested that it's not the only way to be, and that a family can be deeply committed to each other without pieces of paper, changes of name and lists at GTC. I wonder why? Deep rooted feeling that they've, to quote someone, can't remember who "sunk into being a wife"? Grin

clitorisorclitoraint · 07/04/2011 09:17

No bruffin, not a good post. Rude and ignorant, yes.

seeker · 07/04/2011 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

TandB · 07/04/2011 09:25

Now, now Seeker. Don't let that desperate desire for the meringue dress and the pretty tiara turn you so bitter.

You just need to admit that you can't snare a man and then everyone will be happy.....

CotswoldCountryMummy · 07/04/2011 09:25

lots of friends aren't married and have been together for ages. I have seen three of them hit by the wedding curse. They divorced within 2 years of marrying, despite having been blissfully happy "living in sin".

TandB · 07/04/2011 09:26

Also, I am willing to admit to a certain amount of "can't be bothered" to go through the palaver of arranging a ceremony that means nothing to either of us. What puzzles me is why other people think that this is a bad thing.

valiumredhead · 07/04/2011 09:32

Don't know if anyone has mentioned this already ( skim read the thread) but apparently there is no such thing is a 'common law wife' - so for those with partners, get down to the solicitors and draw up a deed of trust asap, just in case something happens ( and I'm not talking about partners leaving!)

www.lawontheweb.co.uk/Family_Law/Cohabitation

I vaguely remember when my SIL bought a house with her partner , the solicitor recommending that a deed of trust was drawn up, as if anything happened to her partner his estate would go to the children they had together and NOT my SIL or HER child from a previous marriage. Hope that makes sense! Grin

ShushBaby · 07/04/2011 09:42

Was quite glad, actually, that a relatively reasonable discussion was being had about this on mumsnet (instead of it passive-aggressively sneaking into other discussions).

But Brufin I'm afraid you've tipped me over the edge too.

You can get married to someone you've known for ten minutes! As evidenced by the sky-high divorce rate, it is fairly easy to walk away too.

I am not knocking marriage. I don't disagree with it and I don't think it's worthless. It can mean something, a lot.

But listen up: marriage only means something if it means something to you. Apart from the legal side (which- like all the other 'unmarrieds' here who feel they have to justify themselves- my DP and I have sorted out, thank you very much), it has no inherent meaning.

I love going to weddings, I am happy when my friends get married. BECAUSE IT MEANS SOMETHING TO THEM. I'm sorry to shout but it really gets on my nerves.

Brufin, if getting that legal contract signified something to you, that is great, and congratulations. But why does the rest of the world need to conform to your code?

And also, if we 'unmarrieds' had an inferiority complex, WE WOULD GET MARRIED. Anyone can do it, you know. Anyone.

Jesus, talk about banging your head against a brick wall.

summershereatlast · 07/04/2011 10:34

bruffin - great post. A lot of people think the same way that you do.

Getting marriage involves making solid vows to each other that you intend to keep. Those vows often cement a relationship. I'm speaking as a happily married woman whose parents have had a long and happy marriage and whose brothers and sisters have also made that commitment.

It works for us, but clearly not for everyone.

seeker · 07/04/2011 10:45

Summershereatlast - so it's OK for brufin to say that those of us who are not married "can't be bothered?" - completely ignoring everyithing that the people who choose not to be married have been saying for several pages?

I presume therefore it's OK for me to say that you are a shallow minded air-head who only got married for the presents?