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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask genuinely, why people don't get married?

617 replies

Lookandlearn · 05/04/2011 19:38

if they are in a committed, permanent relationship and have children? It's a genuine question and I am happy to be ignored if it's too mosey, but gives an airing to side issues from another thread on here.

OP posts:
BuggyBabe · 06/04/2011 18:24

2cats I think you are right, I think your experiences of relationships growing up really shape your opinion of marriage/relationships and what you want for yourself.

Out of the couples I know who have chosen to not get married, all of them have one or both from messy divorces in their childhood/teens. Some who thought their parents were happy and were shocked when they split and others from toxic marriages where the parents eventually split up.

On the other hand, I was brought up in a unstable environment and dreamed of a nice normal family with a mummy and a daddy and that is what I wanted for myself and my children.

I know that its is a generalisation and there will always be (many) exceptions to the rule but I think it plays a big part.

BuggyBabe · 06/04/2011 18:26

On the other hand, I was brought up in a unstable environment and dreamed of a nice normal family with a mummy and a daddy and that is what marriage symbolised for me and I wanted for myself and my children.

smokinaces · 06/04/2011 18:26

I was brought up in a very toxic marriage - domestic violence and messy divorce. However, I still believed in marraige and got married myself. However, after the twat man ran off with no thought for his vows, leaving debt and 2 small children I really dont believe in it anymore, and wouldnt get married again.

BuggyBabe · 06/04/2011 18:28

Smokin Yes, as I said there will always be (many) exceptions but I still think it plays a big part in how you perceive relationships in your future.

smokinaces · 06/04/2011 18:29

Sorry Buggy, was last on this 24 hours ago - a lot of catching up to do in that time!!

scottishmummy · 06/04/2011 18:31

but the infernce is always made that marriage is superior. personally i dont want any ceremony or to emulate marriage as i don't want to be married. i actively chose to be unmarried because i want to.

BuggyBabe · 06/04/2011 18:40

Scottish I don't feel like married commitment is in any way superior than non-married commitment.

I think that people just find it easier to 'understand' a married relationship because it is definable, legally. If they are married, you know they are married IYSWIM (happy or not is another matter!). But unmarried relationships are harder to get a feel for their status because they range from dating, to living together to see how it goes through to totally committed and in it for the long haul. They are harder to pigeon hole if you see what I mean.

Of course, why you would need to know the status of someone elses relationship is another matter, but I'm nosey and often wonder about these things!

seeker · 06/04/2011 18:44

There is always an assumption that marriage is somehow better "Oh, why don't you just get married, then?"

I don;t think people really bellieve that remaining unmarried can be a positive choice.

BuggyBabe · 06/04/2011 18:48

It isn't always the assumption, in my circle of friends its more unusual to be married to your partner than not! Plenty of friends asked why we were bothering to get married, we just said beause we wanted to.

Maybe different with older generations who do the whole 'when you going to make an honest woman out of her' type comments??

Wamster · 06/04/2011 18:48

I agree with that the inference that marriage is superior, scottishmummy, but have you considered that the people who infer this are not doing it out of any sense that marriage = lifetime happiness? Maybe they see a woman (not you as such just any woman, really) about to give up her income to look after children and be dependent on a man and think, 'She'd be better off married, at least if it goes t* up she'll get something from him'.

In other words, those who infer marriage is superior may be doing so out of a knowledge that relationships break up and sometimes it is better for the woman in this case to be married. It's not out of some airy-fairy notions about the fairytale existence of marriage, more a practical thing IYSWIM.

seeker · 06/04/2011 18:52

I think, if you pin the pro married brigade down and tortured them, they would admit that there was an element of "catching a husband" still around."I've caught mine - why don't you tie yours down too!" And a touch of "Look at me - aren't I lucky, I've caught one!"

seeker · 06/04/2011 18:54

Oh, and if it is that, whamster - the "she'd be better off married" line, why doesn't anyone say "Hope you've sorted out the wills and stuff" instead of "Why don;t you get married?"

usualsuspect · 06/04/2011 18:55

I don't care if people think less of my relationship with dp than if I was married

I do things for me ,not for what other people think of me

BuggyBabe · 06/04/2011 19:11

Seeker I can only assume that I don't know any of the pro marriage brigade then because I've never been aware of any of that. It makes me think of the WAGs in the magazines, 'bagged me a footballer...' !

I'm married but I don't think of myself as particularly pro marriage, even though it was what I wanted. I didn't just bag the first man I lived with or anything, thank god cos he was a twat of the highest order!

If anything, I often feel like my friends think I'm old fashioned for being married.

Wamster · 06/04/2011 19:12

Well possibly because marriage is a short way of doing all the legal stuff which (can be) cheaper than hiring the services of a solicitor to sort out the legal things. They might think: Why take the long-winded option when marriage is so much simpler?

It puzzles me that people do not realise that nobody seriously thinks marriage is morally superior. How can it be if people divorce? Most people have the sense to realise that it's a good thing to protect needs of women who rely on a man for income when bringing up children.
If such women are happy leaving with nothing in event of split, fine, but if they do wish to secure financial compensation, they should get wed.

SummerRain · 06/04/2011 19:15

We will get married when we can afford to.

Just christening our kids was more expense than we could handle (both unemployed so don't exactly have mush free cash)

Also, now that we have kids we'd like them to be involved and not have to spend the whole day dealing with young kids and all the stress they cause (family useless in that respect)

Ideally we'd love to go abroad and get married on a beach somewhere with just the kids in attendance Smile

BuggyBabe · 06/04/2011 19:16

Yeah Wamster, I have to admit I wouldn't have become a SAHM for the last few years if we hadn't been married, or happily married come to that.

I know my relationship is no more likely to be a healthy or long term one because we are married but at least I know if we were to split I have some security financially, especially in these few years whilst I'm at home with the DC.

Wamster · 06/04/2011 19:23

But that's what it's all about when all is said and done. Whenever there's a debate here about marriage it's inevitably all about commitment and so on - a sort of bunfight between cohabitees and married. There's no need for it if people could just see past the red herrings and realise that marriage is just a legal thing and what people make of it is up to them- be it good or bad. Nothing more to say.

scottishmummy · 06/04/2011 19:59

bunfight?nah youre overstating it.this is quite tame.and light on the wee humphy faces inevitability the marrieds say out why they think good idea.and cohabitee assert why they not married

unlikely anyone will change any one else behaviour or pov

but hey thats not the point the discussion has been lively

noddyholder · 06/04/2011 20:03

I agree scottishmummy anyone who calls this a bunfight is obviously a newbie Wink

MooMooFarm · 06/04/2011 20:08

I don't see marriage as a legal thing. DH and I got married because we were in love, knew each other were 'the one' and wanted to make the biggest commitment we could to each other.

Before I met him, I never really gave marriage much thought, and saw it as a pretty old-fashioned thing to do - until I met my H, and then the idea of it was lovely. I couldn't actually imagine not getting married to him after we'd been together a few months, and I'd never even considered it with anybody else, even in relationships that had lasted years.

However, it doesn't bother me who else is married or who isn't - it has no effect on my life whatsoever!

NotaMopsa · 06/04/2011 21:24

22 years 6 kids - happy!

TandB · 06/04/2011 22:00

People certainly are asserting that marriage is superior - it's been said several times on this thread.

I have no issue with someone saying it was better for them personally, but to assert that one form of relationship is actively better than another is just bollocks.

NotaMopsa · 06/04/2011 22:58

woohoo kungfu!!

I want to say to all the married bliss critics of unmarried heaven - 'some back to me when you've got 20 years under your belt!'

LDNmummy · 07/04/2011 00:25

Its funny this thread came up as recently I have been thinking long and hard about DP and I getting married. As we are having a traditional ceremony our parents have to meet and discuss certain issues around our engagement. I hated the conversation they had recently and what resulted from it (discussion of dowry), but thought I could let it go as it was only for this part of the process. But I couldn't let it go the last few days, and then I thought if this initial part is difficult, what about the rest and the wedding itself?

Well I spoke to DP this evening and he agreed that it had been stressing him out too. We know our parent's will be gutted but we are probably not going to go ahead with the engagement. It is just too much stress to organize and the whole process will cost more money than I am willing to part with even if I have it, which I do.

We may still get married, but just a quickie registry office deal with no frills and a barbecue or dinner party after.

Who know's, we may eventually go through with an actual wedding type affair, but at this point we are more than content with how we feel about each other and secure in our knowledge that we want to spend our lives together. Thats enough for us.