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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sharing the sex of an unborn baby

48 replies

yummybump · 04/04/2011 22:09

AIBU if i don't (or any other people for that matter) share the sex of their unborn baby?
Me and OH don't know yet- though we do have it in an envelope (family/friends are aware we could find out if we want to), the sonographer was not 100% as the baby's legs were staying crossed. She says about 70/30 but not to "gurantee". We are still deciding whether to or not, and if we do we won't be telling anyone else. For a few reasons;
We don't want people to be tempted to buy us girl/boy clothes "just in case it turns out not to be that sex"
We fear family members (a few are vocally stating which sex they do want) may be "dissapointed" and get there hopes up
We just want to keep it to ourselves.
Its been a week.. and me and OH are still deciding i think we will find out maybe later tonight.
But, AIBU for not sharing?

OP posts:
freebreeze · 04/04/2011 22:11

NO!!!
Do what you want - it's your baby

Bet you'll find it hard to keep it to your self tho !!!!

AuntiePickleBottom · 04/04/2011 22:13

yanbu.

maybe hard to keep it to yourselves

bubblecoral · 04/04/2011 22:13

Of course not! Your pregnancy, your baby, your choice!

Flowerpotmummy · 04/04/2011 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoteDAzur · 04/04/2011 22:14

Bizarre OP. You don't know so can't share if you wanted to. Even when you read what is in that envelope, you will not really know as 70% is by no means "knowing". At best, what you will have is an educated guess.

You could tell people "Looks like a girl but sonographer wasn't sure" and that will be the truth. I doubt if anyone will rush out to get you pink girlie dresses when they hear that you don't really know.

What is with this secrecy anyway? Everyone will know in a few months, won't they?

Lovethelittlefishes · 04/04/2011 22:14

If you decide to find out, then either

  1. Keep telling everyone else you don't know, want it to be a surprise.
  2. Tell everyone what the suspected gender is.

Because it's really, really annoying when people say, Yes we found out the gender but we're not telling anyone else.

It's just hugely smug and off-putting.

Flowerpotmummy · 04/04/2011 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoteDAzur · 04/04/2011 22:16

As bad as "We chose the name but we are not telling you".

GreenSmoothie · 04/04/2011 22:17

YANBU

If you don't want to tell anyone, then don't. It might be best, however, not to let on that YOU know (if you decide to open the envelope) because the whole 'I know something you don't know' thing can really annoy some people who don't see things your way. Just tell everyone that you decided you wanted it to be a suprise.

usualsuspect · 04/04/2011 22:18

I don't understand all this secrecy business

Original poster
yummybump · 04/04/2011 22:18

We weren't planning on telling anyone that we knew! Didn't want to "rub it in there faces"
CoteDAzur- Igave the reasons why i wanted to keep it a secret- but i do have a strong feeling the grandparents will get carried away! It happened with the first and i would feel bad for them spending money on a certain gender even if i asked them not too but just buy unisex. MIL has been going on about baby girl dresses before i was pg again and has already planned what ones she will buy if it is a girl.

OP posts:
Lovethelittlefishes · 04/04/2011 22:20

CoteDAzur, I see your point, but I would always tell the gender, never the name. People feel like they can criticise the name before the baby arrives, while there's time to 'change your mind'. But once you announce the gender, everyone has to shut up!

Seriously, OP, it's your baby and your choice to tell/not tell, but don't do the "we know but won't tell YOU" thing.

Original poster
yummybump · 04/04/2011 22:21

I did originally want to ask this post was because as soon as i replied to texts people asking what colour/flavour and i disclosed that we are team yellow (and explained why) everyone was quite dissapointed!

OP posts:
Pingpong · 04/04/2011 22:23

I found out - DH didn't want to know. I would openly tell people that I knew but couldn't share as DH didn't want to know. I kept it a secret for 22 weeks and when DD2 was born my mother was amazed as she was 'convinced' it would be a boy.
Your baby, your choice, if you want to keep it a secret then do and I don't see any harm in telling people you know anyway..... although with 70/30 I wouldn't be very certain anyway. (I had an amnio BTW so knew 100% that it was a girl)

reelingintheyears · 04/04/2011 22:27

I didn't want to know the sex of any of mine.

DP did but they would'nt tell him if i didn't want to know..Grin

So he had to wait aswell.

I wanted it to be part of the magic.

CoteDAzur · 04/04/2011 22:35

What is with the 70/30 odds anyway? Is she your sonographer or your bookie? Hmm

Our sonographer tells baby's sex at the 12 week scan and to the best of my knowledge, with my two and all other babies born around here, he has never been wrong.

RueLaChesty · 04/04/2011 22:37

i found out with DD1 and dp didn't want to know, he changed his mind but then MIL didn't want to know. So we kept it secret and after being overdue MIL kept saying "when is this baby coming" and we all know how annoyin that is, so i ssnapped back "she'll come when she's good and ready"! I honestly didn't mean it. She arrived the next day!

YANBU but be careful of slip ups! Grin

MorticiaAddams · 04/04/2011 22:37

YANBU but I find it a bit odd to tell people that you are finding out but then saying you won't tell. It sounds a bit childish to me, why did you let them know you were finding out?

Bogeyface · 04/04/2011 22:41

I am 33 weeks and utterly sick to fucking death of people asking "oooh what are you having?"

I always answer "Well a baby hopefully!" in a vain attempt to brush off the question but everyone pushes it and wants to know. I have started asking why they want to know which I know makes me seem rude, but ffs, it is no one elses business!

We dnt mind telling friends and family btw, the people I am talking about include the cashier at M&S when my sister took me shopping for our mums mothers days present, and the woman in Costas when we went for a coffee afterwards!

Of the people that do know the sex, they have all asked about names and I have said that we have a few ideas but "we'll see", as we wont be deciding til she is born (I dont mind you lot knowing she is a pink one :o) but even if we had decided, I learnt that lesson years ago that you never ever share the names beforehand!

Original poster
yummybump · 04/04/2011 22:43

I haven't let people know im finding out! Just that it is there if we do want too, but everyone seems to think we won't as we want a "suprise now" and if we do look we will keep it people still think we don't know!
I don't really know how the sonographer got 70/30 she was scanning me for about 20minutes- doing all the checks and then i asked if she could tell.. she then went to look but babies legs and feet were in the way, she wobbled my belly a fair few times. Im imaging during the whole scan she might've picked something or (nothing!!) up down there?!

OP posts:
MistyValley · 04/04/2011 23:03

Not sure I see the problem as you can truthfully say the scan was inconclusive, (even if it was tending towards one or the other, you can still say that but if you give the 70/30 stat, people can work out the maths for themselves).

Agree that it's precious and wanky to say to people that YOU know but aren't letting on (I know you're not, but just generally!).

And (also generally), really don't get why people object to being asked - we 'found out' at the 20 week scan and didn't have a problem saying to anyone that asked that 'well according to the scan it's x, but you never know, do you!' - because we didn't 100% know. It's not exactly a state secret, is it, and people on the whole are expressing a polite interest and don't give a flying banana what the answer is.

TheSecondComing · 04/04/2011 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 04/04/2011 23:42

We told people we didn't know but then FIL nearly died so admitted to them we knew we were having a boy (there were 7 girls in the family), sonthen I felt duty bound to tell my parents. Had to remember who knew what so much easier just to say you don't know as loads of people don't.

Lovethelittlefishes · 05/04/2011 01:34

I don't get why people object to being asked, either. It's just polite conversation, How nice, when are you due? Do you know if it's a boy or girl? They don't actually care, it's the pregnant woman's conversational equivilent of 'How are you?'

Now if someone asks you if reckon you'll need an episiotomy... that's truly none of their business!

LDNmummy · 05/04/2011 01:42

I had not thought of doing this myself but will do now. It will have to be a surprise for everyone except DP and I Smile

YANBU