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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think there's something not right with my relationship

86 replies

chickenmama · 04/04/2011 11:02

I've not had many serious relationships so I haven't got much to compare it with, but if, in the middle of an arguement, your bf picks you up and tries to throw you out of his house (reason: his daughter is sleeping upstairs) and then when he doesn't succeed, he pins you up against the wall by your throat, feet off the ground and you can't breathe... is that pretty much the end of the relationship? I'm a little bit confused right now.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 04/04/2011 11:04

You dont need to be confused. I can tell you now, that is totally unacceptable behaviour, and yes, it should be the end of the relationship, with immediate effect.

MrsGravy · 04/04/2011 11:05

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Your relationship is very, very wrong and yes you should end it. He is abusing you. Do you live together? Can you move out and get somewhere safe?

MaryBS · 04/04/2011 11:05

End it NOW! Thats outrageous behaviour!

Cloudbase · 04/04/2011 11:05

What you are describing is domestic violence. He sounds very dangerous, and it will get worse if you stay with him. Please please leave him. Your instincts are absolutely right. And I'm so sorry, by the way.

BertieBotts · 04/04/2011 11:05

No no no that is not right. You poor thing, are you okay? Yes you need to end the relationship.

ashleysmum · 04/04/2011 11:09

get out now. it will only get worse!!! that is totally unacceptable

louloudia · 04/04/2011 11:09

were your other relationships like this

confused as to why you would even need to ask

why did he want you to leave and why didnt you?

Lucyinthepie · 04/04/2011 11:12

What is confusing about that? Are you seriously contemplating seeing this dangerous man again?

kreecherlivesupstairs · 04/04/2011 11:13

I honestly can't see anything confusing about this. Really and truly. It is DV and you should end the relationship for the sake of your health. Physical and mental.

Original poster

chickenmama · 04/04/2011 11:17

We don't live together, only see each other at weekends.

It all started because we'd had a small disagreement and I decided it was time I went home. When it came to me leaving, he was very abrupt, and I pushed him to say goodbye and make up as I didn't want to part with bad feeling as I wouldn't see him for a week and we have a strained relationship over the phone anyway. He refused and I got mad, telling him to f*ck off, went out to the car, calmed down, then returned a minute or two to apologise and try to put it right before I left. He wanted none of it and was nasty, shouting at me, telling me to leave. I still wanted to make up, so maybe I was winding him up, but I hate parting like that. He was concerned about his daughter the whole time, so maybe that added to it too. He threatened, if I didn't leave then we were over, then tried to throw me out/pinned me up, and after, said he didn't strangle me, and if I was going to accuse him of that then we were over... I think maybe we both have some issues, but I never thought he'd be the kind of guy to use his strength against me. I keep thinking maybe it was a one off, that I pushed him to it, but he's so argumentative normally, maybe this is another side of him emerging, and I'm scared it might get worse.

We haven't spoken yet today so I don't know how he's feeling about it all, but I know that he will blame me for it completely.

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 04/04/2011 11:20

uur no, this relationship is completely over. I dont get why you kept going back for a start, so yes I do think you need to have a think about that, but his behaviour is inexcusable and a warning for you to get out right now.

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 04/04/2011 11:22

If, say, a shopkeeper or man in the street did that to you, you would call the police, right?

And being a boyfriend doesn't make it any more acceptable.

COCKadoodledooo · 04/04/2011 11:23

Sorry but having read your op I don't know why you're even asking the question! That is very definitely Not Normal, surely you can know that, however few serious relationships you may have had?

madonnawhore · 04/04/2011 11:24

It's over. Run and never look back.

djinnie · 04/04/2011 11:25

Assuming you are genuinely asking this question and are genuineley confused.... then YANBU

But seriously? You have to ask?

'he's so argumentative normally' and you tell him to f off and he reacts like that, makes threats (emotional blackmail) and gets physically violent ... well then you both have issues but his are serious.

How can you WANT to be with a man like that? Woman up! If that was a friend of yours what would you say to her?

Or are you a relationship drama junkie? You feel noticed when you're arguing?

I wouldn't want to hear from him again. I wouldn't be brooking any discussion, not answering the phone or his texts or 'letting' him apportion blame. I'd have nothing to say and there would be nothing I'd want to hear from him. Hell, I'd already be moving on with my life and he would be history.

Laquitar · 04/04/2011 11:26

It is good that you don't live together.

Don't move in with him and don't have a child with him.

Just block his number and have fun with your friends.

lubeybooby · 04/04/2011 11:28

No this is not right at all, and the type of thing that can only get worse. He has shown his true colours early on, count this as a lucky escape while it's easy (eg no ties, not living together joint house etc)

Run!

Onetoomanycornettos · 04/04/2011 11:30

One off? You are dead right it should be a one off. I don't know anyone who would pin their girlfriend up against a wall like this, extremely aggressive and scary and the best thing you can do is heed the warning you have been given.

Ephiny · 04/04/2011 11:32

Are you serious? Why would you ever want anything to do with him again?

Original poster

chickenmama · 04/04/2011 11:38

The bit I find hard is that I haven't had a lot of love in my life, and he really seems to love me. Well, he says he does. Has talked about marriage and everything. When we're good, we're great but it's times like this I realise I've been an idiot and I'm fooling myself. I'm hanging on for the love and putting up with all the shit that comes with it. He expects all the affection to come from me, and he is always right, he can't stand me sticking up for myself when he accusses me of something, says I'm being stubborn and I can't accept I'm wrong. In fact, the more I sit here, the more I realise I probably didn't need to ask. It does make it easier though, because I've now got back up on how I'm feeling, where as before I would always doubt myself and let things go in an attempt to 'make it work'.

OP posts:

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 04/04/2011 11:40

Of course he'll blame you, abusers all blame their victims but that doesn't change the fact that nothing you did justifies him using physical violence against you.

Trust your fears, if you stay with this guy then it is 99.9999999999% likely to get worse. Think about it, he would be 'rewarded' for his violence by you staying with him, there will be no negative outcomes as far as he's concerned.

Chil1234 · 04/04/2011 11:43

What you've had is an early-warning signal. When you're just going out with someone they're usually on best behaviour trying to impress. It's when they think they have their feet under the table that the behaviour goes downhill. If a man is behaving like this when you're only at the boyfriend/girlfriend stage then he would be a nightmare should you ever make the mistake of hooking up with him on a more permanent basis.

When it comes to love, actions always speak louder than words. You've had a very lucky escape this time. Don't let him wheedle his way back. You deserve better.

TheVisitor · 04/04/2011 11:44

The fact that he strangled you and you couldn't breathe is indicative of the fact that he will do far, far worse to you in the future, and you could be risking your life. Don't go anywhere near him ever again, and get yourself some counselling to discuss your lack of self esteem and confidence. Once you build yourself up in your head that you're worth FAR more, then you can think about relationships with GOOD men, not violent ones who throw you scraps. Best of luck.

MaryBS · 04/04/2011 11:50

Its true, abusers DO blame their victims. They say things like "you made me do it" or "if you hadn't done this, I wouldn't have done it" or "if you'd only do this, then I'd never do anything like that again". Its all control-freakery and mental and emotional abuse. It may be thats how they see things, but the fault is theirs and not yours. Other things you might get is "no-one else would have you/put up with you" and that isn't true either.

I really feel for you, but I speak as someone who put up with years of emotional abuse because I felt it was my fault, he made me feel like it was, and I thought I'd never find anyone... and I did, my lovely DH. But first I had to break the pattern, in that I did date another control freak afterwards - but the great thing was I recognised it and ended it before it got too intense :).

(and yes, my ex did love me it seems, and we did have good times as well as bad, and that made it harder to make a decision)

BluddyMoFo · 04/04/2011 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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