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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think there's something not right with my relationship

86 replies

chickenmama · 04/04/2011 11:02

I've not had many serious relationships so I haven't got much to compare it with, but if, in the middle of an arguement, your bf picks you up and tries to throw you out of his house (reason: his daughter is sleeping upstairs) and then when he doesn't succeed, he pins you up against the wall by your throat, feet off the ground and you can't breathe... is that pretty much the end of the relationship? I'm a little bit confused right now.

OP posts:

djinnie · 04/04/2011 11:54

I don't know how old you are but I feel for you when you say you haven't known much love in the past. This is not love though, this is control and abuse and it isn't healthy.

You do need to love yourself first before anyone else will love you. Once you are happy in your own skin you wont be asking us is it wrong because you would know it.

Be strong, walk away. Go and do something nice to show yourself you love YOU today.

Start a new thread asking us how we show OURSELVES we love ourselves and try some of it out xxx

Lucyinthepie · 04/04/2011 11:56

Oh come on, you only see him at weekends. I would break contact instantly. Just post him a letter telling him that he's an abusive man and that you don't want to see or hear from him again. If he turns up on your doorstep stick your head out of an upstairs window and tell him you'll call the police. If he has a key to your place change the locks TODAY by getting an emergency locksmith out.

He'll blame you, but the dangerous thing is that he may see you dumping him as being in some way disrespectful etc towards him, and that could in his nasty little mind justify throwing you about a bit more. So don't go to have "talk" with him and don't ever see him alone again.

Original poster

chickenmama · 04/04/2011 11:59

Chil - my friend was saying the same thing, and was shocked that we've argued so much in the year we've been together, when it's supposed to be the honeymoon period.

It's been issues from day one, with him coming out of a relationship just before we met. We dealt with the trust issues but that's just morphed into a whole load of other problems. I never thought he was the violent type, although he has got up in my face once before... shit, that arguement was after I cried when he slapped me round the face during sex and he was angry that I'd got upset. Ok, now I'm starting to see a bit of a pattern emerging.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 04/04/2011 11:59

You need to end this. This isnt love. This isnt remotely like love. This is sweet words and fuck you for breakfast. With domestic violence thrown in.

Bluddymo, the op sounds needy and desperate, her boyfriend sounds like a nightmare.

djinnie · 04/04/2011 12:00

Nah, nobody is this daft

Onetoomanycornettos · 04/04/2011 12:01

Well, if you are seeing the pattern that's great. You do need to act on it though and get rid of him. You are worth so much more than this and he sounds really nasty.

FabbyChic · 04/04/2011 12:02

I think you can safely say the relationship is over, once a man lays a hand on you it is time to say goodbye, there is no excuse for violence and that is what this partner is violent.

He has the tendancies they are just coming out.

Say goodbye and move on.

Lucyinthepie · 04/04/2011 12:03

I can't understand why anyone would put up with this. I can understand why people get pulled down into a cycle of domestic violence when they are living with another, but to put up with this from someone you are just dating and seeing at weekends? This might not be the appropriate Mumsnet response but - for goodness sake girl, get a backbone and deal with it today!

FABsBackAndIsWell · 04/04/2011 12:04

A person who loves you doesn't pin you against the wall.

I don't think you are ready for a serious relationship and need to do some work on your self esteem.

If you go back to this man he will get worse and he will get more and more violent the more you take.

Text him that it is over and get yourself some counselling.

blackcurrants · 04/04/2011 12:08

Leave now and never look back. Cut all contact.

Get some counselling or therapy or something to address why you're willing to be abused in order to feel 'loved'.

TotemPole · 04/04/2011 12:12

shit, that arguement was after I cried when he slapped me round the face during sex and he was angry that I'd got upset.

That's shocking.

End it now.

capricorn76 · 04/04/2011 12:15

Sorry but can I ask how old you are OP?

suburbophobe · 04/04/2011 12:18

I agree! Shocking!!

Run and don't look back!!

Original poster

chickenmama · 04/04/2011 12:24

BluddyMoFo - maybe I am, but I think what I wanted to get out of this is whether it's ok, even if you are a nightmare and keep pushing someone, like perhaps I shouldn't have done, it's ok for him to act in a physical manner. I thought maybe I pushed him to it. He will tell me I pushed him to it, that it was my fault. But everyone else here seems to think he was wrong to do so, so it has helped me put the event into perspective. I can try to be less of a nightmare, perhaps with some therapy like people are suggesting, but I should be doing so away from him. And that's what I needed to hear.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 04/04/2011 12:27

chickenmama, a normal person will accept an apology, a normal person, like yourself, will like to part on good terms, and try to make up. EVEN if the other person is a pushy nightmare.

If he says it is your fault, dont listen. Walk away.

Lucyinthepie · 04/04/2011 12:27

"BluddyMoFo - maybe I am, but I think what I wanted to get out of this is whether it's ok, even if you are a nightmare and keep pushing someone, like perhaps I shouldn't have done, it's ok for him to act in a physical manner. I thought maybe I pushed him to it. He will tell me I pushed him to it, that it was my fault. But everyone else here seems to think he was wrong to do so, so it has helped me put the event into perspective. I can try to be less of a nightmare, perhaps with some therapy like people are suggesting, but I should be doing so away from him. And that's what I needed to hear."
Brilliant, well done, stick with that. You aren't so much of a "nightmare" that anyone has the right to beat you up. Don't you dare go back to him in any way shape or form.

poopnscoop · 04/04/2011 12:28

'I thought maybe I pushed him to it. '

Typical response of many abused people. Blaming oneself.

Leave him. I have NEVER been manhandled in ANY way by my husband (been together 11 years). There is never an excuse to do what he did. And he WILL do it again.

CoffeeDodger · 04/04/2011 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lucyinthepie · 04/04/2011 12:29

"chickenmama, a normal person will accept an apology, a normal person, like yourself, will like to part on good terms, and try to make up. EVEN if the other person is a pushy nightmare.

If he says it is your fault, dont listen. Walk away."

FFS don't have a conversation with him. WTF? Don't give him another opportunity to physically abuse you, you may not be so lucky next time. Give me strength.

chipmonkey · 04/04/2011 12:31

No. Get outand never look back. Think of this as being a lucky escape and never let any man treat you like that again.

darleneconnor · 04/04/2011 12:32

He is abusive. He has probably deliberatly sought you out for a relationship because he thinks that you are an easy target. You are vulnerable and he is exploiting this. I'm so glad you dont live with him.

Have you had any indictions that he may be abusive to his DD?

Chil1234 · 04/04/2011 12:33

Just because you don't put up with rubbish and you stand your ground, it doesn't make you 'a nightmare'. And civilised people in a loving relationship are allowed to disagree & argue without it meaning they are 'pushing' the other to act violently.

Men like your ex boyfriend will always tell you that you pushed them or that you were being a nightmare to excuse their own bad behaviour. They always say it was the other person's fault. It's their way to avoid taking responsibility and to keep the other person feeling guilty.

Well done for seeing the light. Don't waste any more time thinking it's you that needs to change.

QuintessentialShadows · 04/04/2011 12:34

erm, I did not actually suggest she should go to him and apologise, only what one SHOULD expect when trying to make up after a row.

glitteryturd · 04/04/2011 12:39

Domestic Violence, simple as. Get out and stay out!

BertieBotts · 04/04/2011 12:46

It WILL get worse. The little everyday things as well - all the things that you mention are not normal. Please don't think you have to put up with all this to get the love - I've been in an abusive relationship and now a healthy one and thanks to Mumsnet realise that the abusive ones show their colours early on, and healthy relationships DO exist and you WILL find one - but you have to be aware that at the moment you are vulnerable and it's like you have a big neon sign on your head that abusive men can see and flock to, and normal men will shy away from because they know you're not yet ready for a relationship. You have to learn to love yourself and respect yourself and the sign will go away.

In a healthy relationship:

A phone call with your partner is something you look forward to, it's just as easy as talking face-to-face, it's fun, you joke, laugh and flirt - or if it's just a straightforward "Where are you, don't forget the beans" phone call, it's just that. There are no overhanging issues after it, you don't get judged on your tone of voice or how quickly you answer the phone or whether you're half doing something else at the same time.

Your partner doesn't shout at you when you try to clear the air - he listens, or if he's not ready then he tells you that. He doesn't threaten to end the relationship as a weapon - if he's seriously thinking of ending it he'll have a calm discussion. He NEVER EVER physically threatens you, no matter how angry he is.

Yes, couples in healthy relationships argue, but not constantly, and not over every little thing. When you argue you both feel able to get your point across - it doesn't feel like he is just arguing for the sake of it, or to "prove" that he is always right. He is willing to admit he is wrong (sometimes )

Your partner takes responsibility for his own actions, and doesn't blame you for "winding him up" or "making him angry" or "pushing him to the limit".

You don't discuss getting married until the relationship is a lot more serious. You take things slowly - seeing each other on dates, progressing to staying over, progressing to thinking about moving in (after about a minimum of a year) and then maybe getting married a year or two at the very least after that. He doesn't push you to a stage you aren't ready for, or imply that if you don't want to commit to the next thing then you must not want to be with him at all.

Affection is spontaneous and almost involuntary and comes from both partners. Affection isn't a bargaining tool for sex, and doesn't have to lead to sex - it's nice in its own right.

(Probably x-posted because this has taken hours)

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