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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think there's something not right with my relationship

86 replies

chickenmama · 04/04/2011 11:02

I've not had many serious relationships so I haven't got much to compare it with, but if, in the middle of an arguement, your bf picks you up and tries to throw you out of his house (reason: his daughter is sleeping upstairs) and then when he doesn't succeed, he pins you up against the wall by your throat, feet off the ground and you can't breathe... is that pretty much the end of the relationship? I'm a little bit confused right now.

OP posts:

Original poster

chickenmama · 04/04/2011 12:52

Yes I am an easy target. Many of the relationships I had before my DD was born proved that. I thought this one was different, I thought I'd toughened up and knew what I was looking for. I've done a hell of a lot for him, helped him out financially, bought him loads of stuff, looked after his DD in all the holidays, taken them away on holiday, done his housework at weekends. If that's not a soft touch I don't know what is. I guess all that would be ok if he appreciated it, but we've argued constantly over the smallest of things the whole time. Maybe if I hadn't invested so much I'd have walked away a long time ago.

His DD came downstairs after he pinned me up yesterday. She was in a state, screaming and angry. When we met she was still suffering from the last relationship (nightmares, tantrums, hearing voices, which the had counselling for). Apparently he and the ex argued a lot and the ex was nasty to his DD when they were alone together. From the way she acted last night I was left with a feeling she's witnessed similar things before, it was the same type of reaction I saw a year ago. (And I do feel incredibly guilty for that, but I can't help thinking if only he'd sat and spoke to me calmly then there wouldn't have been anything for her to witness.)

He's very controlling with his DD, always pulling her up on things and being negative and over strict. But he's also very loving and after telling her off will always cuddle/kiss/text her to say sorry. She copes with it well. I see him treating me the same way but I don't cope so well. The 'sorry daddy' works for her, I just get more of the same. He has smacked her on occasion, or threatened to.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 04/04/2011 12:54

oh dear.

Original poster

chickenmama · 04/04/2011 12:57

QS - what do you mean?

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 04/04/2011 13:00

you know what you need to do op....his violence isnt confined to you,your ownn DD will be next if you stay with him.

BertieBotts · 04/04/2011 13:06

That's so sad about his DD :( I doubt there's anything you can do about it except possibly report this incident to the police? Although you say she copes with the day to day stuff well it sounds like witnessing her father being aggressive with various partners is really having awfully distressing effects on her.

I very much doubt the ex was so nasty either - abusers often say their exes are "psychos" or that all women are evil, etc etc. Well if she's going around saying nasty things about him, he doesn't want anybody believing her, does he?

LDNmummy · 04/04/2011 13:11

That is early physical abuse. Actually it is not even that early an indicator like a small push or pinch. He is abusive and I would leave ASAP.

"The bit I find hard is that I haven't had a lot of love in my life, and he really seems to love me. Well, he says he does. Has talked about marriage and everything. When we're good, we're great but it's times like this I realise I've been an idiot and I'm fooling myself. I'm hanging on for the love and putting up with all the shit that comes with it. He expects all the affection to come from me, and he is always right, he can't stand me sticking up for myself when he accusses me of something, says I'm being stubborn and I can't accept I'm wrong. In fact, the more I sit here, the more I realise I probably didn't need to ask. It does make it easier though, because I've now got back up on how I'm feeling, where as before I would always doubt myself and let things go in an attempt to 'make it work'."

All classic signs of abuse, especially his seeming to love you. Sometimes abusers will pick on someone they know is vulnerable emotionally and groom them by seemingly filling that emotional void for them. That way they latch on to you later. Then when very serious abuse begins, he will start telling you that you are nothing without him and that other men will not love you or treat you well. That way he has groomed you into feeling you need his seeming love and attention and will feel frightened to live without it. According to the fact that you are "hanging on for the love", I would say you are already reaching that point.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I don't say this often as it is very personal for me, but I was with someone who did this to me and when I look back on it I shudder to think I f I had stayed. We almost got married! It took the interference of others to get me away from it and I hope you will heed what people say here.

Please do what is right for you and take care of yourself, you are worth more than that.

LDNmummy · 04/04/2011 13:13

OMG his DD sounds traumatised

Are there no other family members around for her?

Laquitar · 04/04/2011 13:27

chickenmama,
i'm glad you see the light and taking aboard all the posts without being defensive or trying to defend him as quite often happens here. Big credit to you for this.

After leaving him please have some counselling and spent time just having fun with your friends instead of jumping on another relationship.

Then, when you are happy and confident a good relationship will most likely come, one that you deserve But it is not rush, focus on yourself for now.

darleneconnor · 04/04/2011 15:57

You need to contact SS regarding his DD. She is a victim of abuse in this too. How old is she? Does she have any contact with her mother? Why does he have custody?

carat · 04/04/2011 16:00

Read your post and it sounds like any attention is good attention as you haven't had much love it your life. It's not, please leave.

plopplopquack · 04/04/2011 16:14

I don't have time to read all of this (sorry) but didn't notice you said that he doesn't like you sticking up for yourself and slapped you round the face during sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ENormaSnob · 04/04/2011 16:15

This man doesn't love you at all.

He will physically assault you again.

Get rid and ring ss for his dds sake.

plopplopquack · 04/04/2011 16:17

His poor little girl! Going by what you have said it's hard to believe i twas his ex girlfriend that left her requiring counselling and not him.

Shakirasma · 04/04/2011 16:24

Well I think you are both better off without each other. Violence is never acceptable, but then neither is winding up someone who you can clearly see is angry and wants you out of their space.

Do yourselves a favour and call it a day!

BertieBotts · 04/04/2011 16:32

She didn't "wind him up", FFS, she was trying to clear the air!

darleneconnor · 04/04/2011 16:38

appauling victim-baming from Shakira there- OP ignore her

Shakirasma · 04/04/2011 16:38

Then we have a different definition of winding up. She told him to fuck off, left then came back when she had calmed down. He clearly hadn't calmed down and was shouting at her and telling her to leave his home but she wouldn't. He couldn't walk away to diffuse the situation because his child was in bed. He made it clear he was angry and needed her to leave.

Of course he shoulnt have got physical but there was no way the ops actions were going to achieve anything other than to make the argument worse. If someone is angry and wants you to leave their home you should do it. Refusing to do so is winding them up.

BluddyMoFo · 04/04/2011 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

plopplopquack · 04/04/2011 16:39

I think maybe they mean that she should have backed off. Personally though I think you should be able to have a discussion or argument with someone without having to back off in case they go nuts!

darleneconnor · 04/04/2011 16:39

blaming, obviously

plopplopquack · 04/04/2011 16:40

x posts

Original poster

chickenmama · 04/04/2011 16:40

He was angry because I'd come in to sort things out and he didn't want to. He's like this about a lot of things, if it's something he doesn't want to do, or hear, then that's it, he's not going to do it. There's no getting through to him, no compromise. I wasn't trying to wind him up but it seems everything I do ends up that way anyway, like it's got to be his way or nothing. And when it's like that, I'm always the one in the wrong.

OP posts:

plopplopquack · 04/04/2011 16:41

You can't have a relationship with someone who isn't capable of compromise.

BluddyMoFo · 04/04/2011 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeterAndreForPM · 04/04/2011 16:49

You women trying to find a reason to defend this bloke should be ashamed of yourselves.

OP, finish his toxic partnership where it appears you have been taken as an absolute mug, and then he repays all your one-sided effort by terrorising you.

then please will you seek some solo counselling to explore the reasons why you appear to think that any relationship with a man requires you to compromise yourself in this way, and why you may still seek out someone similar in the future.

Your post smacks of someone with rather a lot of issues, that may just be sending out a beacon to abusive arseholes like this one.

good luck and all the best.

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