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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a teacher of all people should have had more sense???

187 replies

Mands0603 · 04/04/2011 10:35

Will try and give you the short version of this:
Basically my DD has been playing out over the past week or so with her friend from up the road - our back garden leads out onto a field so they have been playing making dens etc. She sometime plays at the front of the house but always comes to tell me where she is and I am constantly checking on her. They are both aware of where they are allowed to go.

Anyway yesterday she fell over and scraped her face (just a graze nothing serious) she came home i wiped it clean then said she could do with letting me put some cream on - said no she wanted to go back out to play so would come in and have some on when she came in for tea (she was allowed out until 6pm this was about 5.15ish)all ok off they went on the field.

About 5-10 mins later friends mum came knocking asking if they were at our house explained no they were on the field she says they werent - hence mad frantic search which lasted only about 10 minutes but felt like hours.

Basically a woman saw then on the field my DD must have been saying her graze hurt so this woman took them to her house which was past ours and over the road and took them both inside and then put some cream on my DD.

The woman i later found out is a teacher and said that if we report her we could get her into a lot of trouble.
I must admit that i had a very stern conversation with my DD (as did her friends mum) but I was more shocked that this teacher did took them to her house.

I thought about it and if i was in that position i would either take the child back to her home and explain that they were hurt or go home alone and get the cream and take it back to the child.

What made it worse was that once she had put the cream on she let them out of her house alone to cross over the road by themselves - we were searching for them so found them before they attempted to cross over.

Hubby saw woman and he was quite abrupt saying she shouldn't have done that as she is a stranger and she has taken our child away from where she was allowed.

AIBU?

OP posts:
vintageteacups · 04/04/2011 22:47

You don't actually know the state of this lady's mind. I don't mean to sound mean but it is possible that she thinks she is a teacher and has the right to ask children to come back to her home.

By only reading what you've written op, I'm wondering (especially as she's only in her 30s) if she may be a vulnerable adult. Seems strange that many people on here have said she was just being caring and yet, she still let the girls cross a dangerous/busy road on their own.

MrsWitcher · 04/04/2011 23:05

I actually agree. I'm surprised any woman in their 30s let alone a teacher would consider a small graze more of a danger than a busy road. Our generation is quite uptight about traffic danger.

I also think it's strange for her to say, I'm a teacher so please don't say anything or I'll be in trouble.

But then it's easy for stangers on an internet forum to over analyse too! Wink

vintageteacups · 04/04/2011 23:11

I think I've been watching too much Casualty with Dr Ruth banged up on the pysche ward Grin

sundayrose10 · 04/04/2011 23:31

6 yrs old? playing out alone?! but then I am in London. so...

PixieOnaLeaf · 04/04/2011 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CheerfulYank · 05/04/2011 00:22

I think it is very odd to take a child into your home when they have expressly told you they're not to go, yes.

And very odd to walk them past their own house into yours. I would find out more about this woman, definitely.

For the record, before I get flamed, last year a girl fell on her bike outside of my house and scraped her arm up and down. (I heard her crying from inside the house) I didn't know her, so I brought out bandages and wet towels, cleaned her up in front of my house and walked her home. There's no way I'd not help a hurt child, but also no way I'd be comfortable with someone I didn't know taking my son into their home.

CheerfulYank · 05/04/2011 00:24

I'm confused about the "stand still and not speak" thing...I always tell DS to run into the house right away if someone besides the neighbor talks to him. Is that wrong? Confused

gorionine · 05/04/2011 06:01

No, your advice is not wrong CheerfulYank, that is what I would say to my child if they were just outside the house too. I think the stand still is like "Do NOT follow them!"

gorionine · 05/04/2011 06:02

sorry , posted too fast and do not speak "Do NOT engage with the person!"

Original poster
Mands0603 · 05/04/2011 09:25

I have already said that I won't be reporting her as I do think she acted in kindness although was wrong to take the children into her house. In my opinion if I was in her shoes I would have taken the child to their mother or taken some light bandages etc to them.

You are all welcome to slaughter me regarding my parenting skills - however I do check on my child regularly and she has never done this before - she has always come to see me whenever she moves from the place I know she is. The 5-10 minutes was an estimated time as I dont sit there with a clock counting down the minutes but I do check on them and i can hear them playing from where i am.

The woman told us that my DD had said she wasnt allowed to go but yet she her to her house anyway. I already knew about the graze as she came straight home after she had fallen - i cleaned it up then she wanted to go back out to play. I have asked my DD what the lady said and she can't remember only that she asked her name.

I have again discussed this with my DD who has said that she knowd it was wrong for her to go and she understands that although there are some nice people in this world who think they are doing what they think is right - there are also some naughty people who can hurt.

OP posts:
prettybird · 05/04/2011 09:30

There are other sorts of teachers, different to school teachers: for example, music teachers, who teach from home; my Pilates teacher (who only teaches adults).......

Morloth · 05/04/2011 09:47

I think she has done you a massive favour, albeit unintentionally. She has demonstrated to you that your daughter is not ready to be outside unsupervised.

You were lucky this time, what if instead of the nice lady who popped some cream on your DD's face it had been someone who took them both in a van, kerpuff! they are gone.

It doesn't matter that your DD said she needed to stay where she was, the point is she didn't.

Obviously you cannot hear them the whole time, obviously you were not keeping a close enough/regular enough watch. They wandered off with a stranger. It only took a couple of minutes.

None of the other stuff matters, she went off with a stranger, the hows the whys the wherefores pale into significance. She cannot be entrusted with her own safety yet, she doesn't get it.

supersewer · 05/04/2011 10:53

I did the same thing when I was a child, I had visited my grandad, crossed the field in between our two houses and was met by the next door neighbour, who invited my and my brother in for cake!!
being stupid children in we went - oblivious to the fact that GD and DM had been on the phone to each other - police were called etc...
we eventually went home 45 mins later to the biggest telling off of my life and my mum never spoke to the neighbours again.
your reaction is normal, and yes. the same reaction was prevalent 25 years ago.

PixieOnaLeaf · 05/04/2011 11:26

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CheerfulYank · 05/04/2011 13:14

I suppose a running, screaming child would get more notice from passersby than one standing still, maybe?

When I tell DS that he's only in the yard though, so very close to home :)

LDNmummy · 05/04/2011 13:27

Sorry can I just ask a question regarding your OP? How did you eventually find your DD? You said you did a frantic search lasting a short time but feeling like hours. So where did you eventually find your DC?

We clearly know that the woman did actually clean the graze as you said she seemed to have put savlon on it.

Also, what kind of area do you live in? I know it sounds silly but it may be a factor. For instance, do you live in a village or semi village area? Sometimes in places like this people have grown up thinking there is no harm in helping one of the local children like this lady did. Are you new to the area? Just wondering how many people know you or if its the type of area where most people know each other.

ashamedandconfused · 05/04/2011 13:46

She persuaded your child to go with her even when the child said she was not allowed. Took her further away than her own home, when she could have so easily offered to walk the girl home, she applied cream without any concern for allergies or underlying medical conditions, and let the child go to cross a road unsupervised? (instead of bringing her to you to explain and reassure you) and you think all that is the behaviour of a genuine teacher/do-gooder?

At the very least you need to casually mention it, because the police will be aware if there is any pattern, of any history - maybe she is harmless but well known for SN/being overtly friendly to kids? What if something happened to another child because you did not report your unease at the inappropriateness of this? And while it is true that only a tiny number of kids might be abducted by strangers, many many more are at risk from thsoe who intentionally befriend them and their family over a period of months or years.

SOMETHING is not right with the whole scenario

goldenticket · 05/04/2011 13:54

ashamed and confused - but the scenario could easily have been that woman helps child, child says nothing about not being allowed, woman sees children across road standing in her front door, child panics when challenged by OP and says that she did say what she should have said but didn't.

Agree that this is a wake up call to the OP, nothing more. Put your pitchforks away.

Original poster
Mands0603 · 05/04/2011 14:20

LDN mummy - my DH found them as he was out at the front of the house whereas I was at the back (where they should have been) - they were just coming out of a side street over the road by themselves so he made them wait whilst he went over to them and bring them back.

We live in a what i would maybe call a town - we arent out in the country nor a cul-de-sac whereby everyone knows each other - there are a lot of houses on the street - we have lived there for 10 years but DD has only started playing out and I have never seen the woman before so I wouldn't say I know her to even nod to.

I am not sure what to think to be honest - the response given is different depending on the opinion - which I do agree with - I dont want to get her in trouble if it was a genuine concern she had - but yet i couldnt live with myself if anything happened to another child.

I have tried to see her again (even walking her dog!) to discuss this with her but as yet I haven't so.

Goldenticket - it was the woman who actually said my DD told her she wasn't allowed to go - not my DD saying she did but there was no evidence - the woman said it.

OP posts:
ashamedandconfused · 05/04/2011 14:26

it was the woman who actually said my DD told her she wasn't allowed to go - not my DD saying she did but there was no evidence - the woman said it.

that fact alone would have alarm bells ringing, especially with the "but dont worry i am a teacher" bit tacked on. It is absolutely not on for any adult, however well meaning, to convince a child WHO HAS SAID NO to go with them! If she had genuine concerns, she should have there and then come up with "well can i take you home to get mummy to look at that"

at the very least you need to have a long chat to her, and take it from there depending on her reaction/your gut feeling

goldenticket · 05/04/2011 14:31

OK fair enough - still think the emphasis is wrongly on this woman rather than the OP/OP's DD - you can control one but not the other.

OP, I have had numerous heart-stopping moments as a parents where I have had a wake up call re my actions or the actions of my children - it's called gaining experience. The really important thing is that you learn from it and don't get sidetracked into a witch-hunt of a well-meaning but slightly odd woman IMO.

LDNmummy · 05/04/2011 14:47

Ok so she did treat the children's grazes and then let them go home. I think she was careless and didn't take the right course of action letting them go home alone. But considering she had found them alone in a field, she probably didn't think it was a big deal, especially if you live in a quiet neighbourhood and you left your children outside to begin with. Sorry if I sound harsh saying that but at 6 years old you, IMO, you did leave your LO alone in a field unattended. Maybe she felt it was no biggie in the same way as you leaving them. I know you check on them but at that age and with what has subsequently happened, obviously it is not enough in terms of watching them.

She treated the children and let them go home, nothing sinister happened so why do people automatically assume there is a risk to other children? TBH children of that age do not always communicate well so I wonder if you LO actually stated she wasn't allowed to leave well. I know you said the lady sated that herself but I find this questionable, maybe the conversation you had with her was pressured and you thought she said that but it was misinterpreted. Obviously the conversation with your DH and her was short as you did not gather much info from it so this is a possibility.

Anyway, in short, as Goldentickets said, put the pitchforks away people and this is a defnite wake up call OP. Anything can happen with children playing in a field as has been illustrated. I actually feel a little sorry for this woman but who knows.

LineRunner · 05/04/2011 14:57

And often it's not a stranger who is a danger, it can be someone the child knows. So you have to drum into your daughter that she has to tell you or her dad before she goes off with anyone, absolutely anyone, even if it's granny or best friend or a teacher or someone who looks like a policeman.

I'll bet you were angry because you didn't know where she was, just for those few awful minutes. It's a hard thing to do, to let your child play freely and still try to be the ever-vigilant mother.

prettybird · 05/04/2011 15:16

Actually the point about "stranger danger" is a good one.

Ds' school was doing a presentation a couple of weeks ago about the new Sexual Health and Relationships Education being rolled out and a friend was concerned that there was too much emphasis on "stranger danger" and not enough on the fact that most abuse happens within the home and not from random people on the street (NB: she knows because that is the field that she works in: survivors of abuse). The school reassured her that the issue of "appropriate" touches and "good" secrets (eg Christmas presents) versus "Bad" secrets was well covered - in addition to "stranger danger".

CheerfulYank · 05/04/2011 18:21

Prettybird that's good to hear....I have been trying to talk to DS about those things. "A surprise is different from a secret!" :) I had to have a shout serious talk with my brother because he wouldn't stop tickling DS when DS told him to, and I've said to DS that anytime someone doesn't stop touching him when he tells them to that something is very wrong and he needs to tell me right away. So :( that I need to have these conversations.

Still think it's odd that anyone would take a child someplace when the child said she wasn't allowed to go. Hmm....very Hmm in my book!