Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a teacher of all people should have had more sense???

187 replies

Mands0603 · 04/04/2011 10:35

Will try and give you the short version of this:
Basically my DD has been playing out over the past week or so with her friend from up the road - our back garden leads out onto a field so they have been playing making dens etc. She sometime plays at the front of the house but always comes to tell me where she is and I am constantly checking on her. They are both aware of where they are allowed to go.

Anyway yesterday she fell over and scraped her face (just a graze nothing serious) she came home i wiped it clean then said she could do with letting me put some cream on - said no she wanted to go back out to play so would come in and have some on when she came in for tea (she was allowed out until 6pm this was about 5.15ish)all ok off they went on the field.

About 5-10 mins later friends mum came knocking asking if they were at our house explained no they were on the field she says they werent - hence mad frantic search which lasted only about 10 minutes but felt like hours.

Basically a woman saw then on the field my DD must have been saying her graze hurt so this woman took them to her house which was past ours and over the road and took them both inside and then put some cream on my DD.

The woman i later found out is a teacher and said that if we report her we could get her into a lot of trouble.
I must admit that i had a very stern conversation with my DD (as did her friends mum) but I was more shocked that this teacher did took them to her house.

I thought about it and if i was in that position i would either take the child back to her home and explain that they were hurt or go home alone and get the cream and take it back to the child.

What made it worse was that once she had put the cream on she let them out of her house alone to cross over the road by themselves - we were searching for them so found them before they attempted to cross over.

Hubby saw woman and he was quite abrupt saying she shouldn't have done that as she is a stranger and she has taken our child away from where she was allowed.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mands0603 · 04/04/2011 14:57

Without wanting to get flamed here can i please just point out that although I am not stood watching them every second i am constantly checking on then every couple of minutes and whenever they wish to go elsewhere (to her friends house for example) they tell me first (same at her friends house) when we live about 10 doors away from each other.

I understand what you are saying and i would never allow her to play out without some kind of supervision at that age and she has strict boundries on where she can and can't go.

She told teh woman she was not meant to move and I have spoken to her at length regarding what happened and why she must NEVER do it again - I will aslo be doing role play with her also for potenial instances she may come across.

I am more concerned about the fact that this woman (possibly in her mind with the best intention) took my DD and her friend to her house when i already knew about the graze and had cleaned it up and was closer than her home - then leaving them to cross the road by themselves when she had finished with the cream etc.

I am not going to report her.

OP posts:
altinkum · 04/04/2011 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AppleyEverAfter · 04/04/2011 15:11

YABU. Why are you even bothered about this? A nice neighbour took care of your child for a few minutes as she was concerned! She was probably treating the situation as an emergency and just did what she thought was right. If your child was lying injured in the street and people walked past, you would be livid! Cut her some slack and move on.

QuickLookBusy · 04/04/2011 15:18

Mands I do think that as your DD says she told the lady she wasn't allowed to go with strangers, makes this whole thing worse! If your DD said that to her the woman should have realised she was behaving inappropriately.

I would really want to talk to her again.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 04/04/2011 15:23

Sorry but I think you were very wrong to leave your daughter unattended .... She is clearly unaware of the risks and should be watched properly.

If you reported her she would I assume report you to SS. I am pleased you are not reporting her.

QuickLookBusy · 04/04/2011 15:47

I really don't think SS would do anything about a parent letting a child play just outside their garden.

shaz298 · 04/04/2011 15:49

Haven't read all the posts here. Glad the LO is ik and nothing untoward seems to have happened. However maybe we all need to think about the language we use and how children interpret it. Stranger may mean something different to a 6 year old than it does to an adult. MAybe she thought the lady wasn't a stranger because she lives in the street and she would have seen her around? We need to be clear with whom our kiddies may or may not go.

I find it really weird that this woman took the children to her house anyway. I understand the responsibility of teaching our kids about dangers but in this case, she is a teacher, she obviously knows the consequences ( as she told the OP that she would get in to trouble ) sho why did she make the decision to do it? Something not quite right with that. TBH I would report her. Just because nothing happened doesn't mean it wasn't the start of a 'grooming' episode.

I am very suspicious of people in general ( sorry ) but the fact she was fully aware that what she did was wrong would ring alarm bells for me.

I'm not saying ignore children who are hurt or who need help, but be sensible about it!

Lucyinthepie · 04/04/2011 16:01

Fucking hell. Sorry but report her? Since when has it been necessary to go running to someone's employers and drop them in it every time someone upsets us? If you're bothered go and have a chat with her. From your original post it sounds to me as if she acted on instinct and then though "Oh shit, shouldn't have done that".

babybythesea · 04/04/2011 16:21

I'm finding it really hard to figure out what I think.

First, someone helps out a child they think is in trouble. If she is a teacher, then really, she should know better than to go about it the way she did. It's the first line in every child protection meeting I've ever gone to - 'it's not about protecting the children so much as protecting you - don't go somewhere with them you can't be seen etc etc'. And don't put anything on them other than water if you have to. It's all about making sure you don't put yourself in a position where people can make precisely the sort of inferences being made over the thread. And you would know this. So if she really is a teacher, she's a bit of an idiot.

But, people going on to make all these inferences when nothing actually happened other than a child was helped (even if it was a bit unnecessary!) does then in it's turn lead to people being afraid to help, which is really sad.

And as for the employer (school?) not being interested, I'm not sure that's true. I suspect the line of thought may be along the lines of 'We don't think it was an issue, but what happens if she does turn out to be unsuitable to be around children, and it comes out that we knew and ignored it? Maybe we should do something'. I don't know, of course, that they would think like that. But, I have been close to an incident - a family member (a teacher)was accused of hitting a child (in school this time). It was clearly false - 'witnesses' who were in the room at the time saw nothing etc etc. But it took FOUR months to officially resolve and in the meantime this person was suspended, with the threat of the loss of his pension. I couldn't believe that one allegation could end up with someone not only losing his job but also his means to enjoy retirement. I might add, he would have retired four years later so hardly long enough to start at another career and save for a pension. Those four months were hell, and all because a child was a bit peeved and made some things up.

So, I agree with the OP's decision not to report it, as nothing actually happened and the potential consequences for this lady could be huge, when all she seemed to be doing was trying to help. If I saw her again, I might be tempted to point out that the dd was fine and really shouldn't have taken the child anywhere, but if she is a teacher then she knows this.

And yes, a conversation about who you do and don't go with is important. It clearly shows that although the dd understands the theory, when it comes to actually living by it, she doesn't get it. So ways of getting it across to her are critical - maybe actually giving her exact ways to behave (which I think someone else suggested).

It's actually not an easy one though, is it? It's not black and white - there are definite shades of grey here!

babybythesea · 04/04/2011 16:28

Should add that this teacher was cleared of all allegations, returned to work, and got the hell out as soon as he could.

And having read my post back, it looks as though I'm advocating not helping, which I'm really not. I'm usually the first one in there if I think a child has hurt themselves, even if only in a small way. I tend to want to check (having lost a friend in early childhood to a 'minor' fall off a climbing frame which turned out to have caused a bleed in the brain and no-one found out until too late. But for that reason I also make damn sure the adult in charge knows - so they can keep an eye on the child to make sure). I just think that sadly, you have to be really careful about how you help now, to protect yourself. And if she was a teacher, she would have had this information and was a bit of a wally not to use that knowledge!

gorionine · 04/04/2011 17:25

Ragged , the "and phoned my parents" makes the difference with OP's situation really IMHO.

vintageteacups · 04/04/2011 19:28

Okay - change nice lady (claiming to be a teacher in her 30s) walking dog through field to nice man telling your dd that her face looked sore and that if they went back to his house, his wife couuld put cream on her face and make it better etc.

You'd all be outraged - surely.

At the end of the day, the girls (age 6) were away from sight for around 20 mins and that is plenty of time for someone to bribe the children and put them in to a car and drive quite a distance before the OP even realised they weren't in the field.

vintageteacups · 04/04/2011 19:31

babybythesea what if she had decided that the child was in pain so gave her 2 spoons of calpol??? What's the difference really? Savlon has antiseptic in itt as well as other substances which a child may well be allergic to.

vintageteacups · 04/04/2011 19:34

Oh and also - baby you mention it's sad if people here are put off and won't 'help' There are many ways you can 'help' but not put yourself in a risky situation.

thinkingkindly · 04/04/2011 19:40

OP, this is actually quite useful for you. You get an opportunity to drum into DD about stranger-danger, and she will understand once and for all that you do not go off with strangers even if they seem very nice. I once got lost, was offered a lift in a car with three blokes in, and started to climb in when a passing lady stopped me and escorted me home Shock. My mum - who was distraught at not finding me - was horrified that I was going to get in a car, and I was rather horrified at myself too. I think I learned a very valuable lesson that day - and your DD probably has too.

Definitely right not to report it.

LindyHemming · 04/04/2011 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RunAwayWife · 04/04/2011 19:50

I would not report her, poor woman she was trying to help a child that was hurt.

vintageteacups · 04/04/2011 19:54

poor woman she was trying to help a child that was hurt and we know that how? Surely it's 50/50 kindness/strange behaviour because the OP hasn't yet properly spoken to the woman to gauge her reaction.

AnyoneforTurps · 04/04/2011 19:55

Report her for what exactly? The only person this woman has endangered is herself (professionally). She has shown your DD kindness. There is no actual law against inviting children into one's house, you know - it's just unwise.

OP, I suspect that you are really angry with yourself for letting your daughter play unsupervised when she is clearly not mature enough to do so. Don't project this anger onto your poor neighbour and certainly don't jeopardise her career.

vintageteacups · 04/04/2011 19:57

I didn't mean necessarily reporting her, although I would also check the General teaching register.

What would you think if it turned she wasn't actually a teacher? She's not a retired old lady - she's in her 30s.

mercibucket · 04/04/2011 20:01

I'd go back to speak to her again - sounds dodgy tbh. teachers wouldn't do that so she's not a teacher - so why lie about it? to stop you reporting it. why did she think you might report it? cos it's a weird thing to do. so she knows it was a weird thing to do, so why did she do it?

in particular I'm struck by
the age of the child
the child said she was not allowed to go off with strangers
it was only a graze - what stranger puts cream on a graze? broken arms and legs need passers by to phone for help, cuts with blood might need a bit of gauze but a graze?

very odd

emmy12 · 04/04/2011 20:01

Think it very odd for someone to take 6 yr old back to their house to administer minor first aid. Surely you'd just send them straight home, accompanying them if necessary.

mercibucket · 04/04/2011 20:02

someone asked about who you would report it to - If you want to take it further you can email or phone the community police and they will be able to see if there is a pattern of behaviour worth investigating. might not only be your daughter

RunAwayWife · 04/04/2011 20:02

The OPs DD should not have gone with the woman
The OP should teach her child stranger danger.

But as the worse that happened was the woman put some cream on a cut I hardly think reporting her is something that should even be considered, some people do just genuinely want to help, not ever one is a crazed child molesting murderer

AnyoneforTurps · 04/04/2011 20:03

Blimey, it's not illegal to impersonate a teacher either for that matter. It's not as if she pretended to be a teacher (if she isn't) to get your DD into her house. She just used it as a justification afterwards - probably in the heat of the moment when she was worried about being accused of GOK what.

She might be a piano teacher or a teacher of adults etc, who knows?

Retires gibbering at the authoritarian tendencies of Mumsnet. I think some of you would be more comfortable in Libya where bastards who give children first aid are no doubt properly punished.