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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know IABU but just need to vent...

89 replies

Randomer1 · 04/04/2011 09:27

Have name changed for this as I fully expect to be flamed as an ungrateful cow. I know that plenty of mums get sweet FA for mothers day and I should probably be glad for what I have but I am not impressed with DH right now.

In the run up to mothers day he asked what I wanted and I pointed out a necklace to him that I liked, it's not expensive, about £20. Come yesterday morning I find my present sitting and its a cheapo teddy bear. I was told that this was bought because someone had come round his work selling them and he couldn't remember which specific necklace I had pointed out and he wasn't that keen on the ones I liked anyway Confused. I was pretty pissed off to be honest that he didn't seem to think I was worth a trip to the shops especially since the shops are right near his work and he could have gone at lunchtime or straight after work.

On top of this he has done nothing to make the day special, no breakfast made for me, did not offer to get up early with the baby, sat and watched me do all the housework. This is my first mothers day as a mum and I was looking forward to being spoilt a bit. I had a pretty horrendous labour and delivery a few months ago and now feel like he doesn't give a shit about anything I went through. So AIBU to feel Sad that he has ruined my first mothers day with his inconsiderateness?

OP posts:
Jajas · 04/04/2011 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 04/04/2011 09:31

For most mothers day is just another day. At least you got something irrespective of the fact it wasn't what you wanted, some didn't get anything at all.

Why not treat yourself to the necklace anyway?

HandMini · 04/04/2011 09:31

YANBU. Sounds like he has made minimal effort, and it would have been nice to feel spoilt on your first one.

iwantadogbutarabbitwoulddo · 04/04/2011 09:31

YANBU

Idiot man.

Is he normally considerate/helpful around the house?

psychoveggie · 04/04/2011 09:33

IMO when he asked what you wanted you should have said just a bit of pampering, how about you let me get a lie in/make breakfast or something? I don't really like the idea of proper presents for mothers day and much prefer the homemade card, spoil mum type approach. Our mothers day yesterday was more about my mum and DH's mum. I got a card made at nursery and some toast in bed and that was fine.

YANBU to be a bit disappointed, but next time tell him what you want.

poopnscoop · 04/04/2011 09:36

I think you should get the necklace for yourself, you dress for yourself, not him.

My brothers spoil their wives rotten on Mother's Day, but then they treat them very well every day, they're fine lads. Sorry you feel hard done by, I would too tbh in your shoes, especially after horrid birth etc. Some people just don't think sadly.

Original poster
Randomer1 · 04/04/2011 09:37

Fabbychic, I know that I should be grateful I got anything at all, could buy myself the necklace but it just wouldn't feel the same IYSWIM?

OP posts:
Original poster
Randomer1 · 04/04/2011 09:38

Iwantadog, he is usually not bad, will do things if asked but rarely does anything round the house without being asked to.

OP posts:
larrygrylls · 04/04/2011 09:40

I cannot believe how entitled some people feel to have presents bought for them on various occasions. Presents are only fun to buy if they are not assumed. Mothers' day is about children buying for mothers, not husbands treating their wives, that is what the anniversary, birthday etc are for.

We have two young children and my wife got a book and a couple of cards "written" by the children (aged 22 months and 4 months respectively) and I paid for our lunch out (which probably would have happened anyway). She was really happy with this.

I would never expect anything at all on fathers' day until the children are old enough to give me something themselves IF THEY CHOOSE TO.

Original poster
Randomer1 · 04/04/2011 09:40

He is not a bad person generally, I know he loves me and DD but lacks common sense and can be a bit lazy at times.

OP posts:
Portofino · 04/04/2011 09:42

This winds me up - you are NOT his mother. Mothering Sunday is for the CHILDREN to make a fuss of their mum, not an excuse to guilt trip husbands. You just have to wait til yours is a bit bigger and can make you something. It is beyond me why people expect expensive presents.

debs39 · 04/04/2011 09:52

Yes but your first mothers day is special as you are a mammy and if you don't get anything ...be that time, cuddles, a little present it feels like the whole world has it better than you! My DH works well and truly overseas and has never been in UK on MD so I buy myself MD mugs etc, underwear, clothes and feel truly truly decadent!!!! Indulge us poor mammys, please!! :)

Vallhala · 04/04/2011 09:55

What Portofino said.

My Mothering Sunday consisted of tea and toast in bed thanks to my elder DD, which was the best thing I could have been given. I also got a card from her, which she pinched from an assortment of blank ones owned by DD2 as she had no money and DD2... well, she forgot!

Bit she made dinner and loaded the dishwasher later, bless her.

But you know what? I've been on my own with them since they were 21 months and 7 weeks old respectively. They're now 15 and 14 and I've waited a bloody long time for that tea, toast and dinner!

My normally lazy teenagers went the extra mile, for which I'm very grateful. That's worth hundreds of cheap necklaces imho.

Patience... when they do it, because they want to, then it's special.

iwantadogbutarabbitwoulddo · 04/04/2011 09:57

I think OP would've been happy if she'd got a bit more help around the house and some pampering. A stupid teddy bear doesn't mean anything, cooking dinner would've.

Im sure this isn't really about the necklace.

It's the comment ' he wasn't that keen on the ones I liked anyway'

that i really don't like, though.

Get him a fluffy pink steering wheel cover for fathers day and say 'oh but i didnt like those cufflinks you loved'

Just have a frank talk with him OP. Tell him that al it needed was a little bit of thought. Sometimes it's difficult to get men to understand your POV.

OwlsEverywhere · 04/04/2011 09:58

YANBU, this is a day where father's can 'bond' with their young children and hatch up plots to treat mummy, together. Perhaps discuss the good things that mummy does, and what she might like?

I got zilch, apart from a card happily made and joyfully presented, made by DD at school. I then supervised her making another card from her baby brother!

Rewind slightly to my birthday. Same.

YANBU to be upset, because I am, because I think it signifies someone who can't be bothered or doesn't care.

marmaladetwatkins · 04/04/2011 10:00

I don't know. It's easy for me to say YABU because my DS and DH made a fuss of me. I suppose I would have been pretty Hmm if they hadn't done something for me.

This is like at christmas I asked DH for the Take That photo books from WH Smith. They were reduced from £25 to £5 each at christmas. A tenner for two books. I didn't get them because he doesn't like Take That. Daft apeth.

MooMooFarm · 04/04/2011 10:04

YANBU to feel disappointed, but I wonder if your DH just has different expectations of mothers day to you? You obviously expected certain things - to get a really nice present and be spoilt for the day. Does your DH do much for his own mum? Maybe in his familiy nobody's ever done much for mothers day, so he didn't expect to make a big deal of it either.

It's a bit wierd that he made a point of asking you what you wanted then got something else, but maybe that's another indicator of how he didn't think it mattered that much on the day.

I would say the most important thing overall is how he treats you day to day, not just on mothers day. And maybe drop more hints for next year; even just talking about what you used to do for your mum when you were little, to 'help' him understand that it is umportant to you.

MooMooFarm · 04/04/2011 10:05

sorry for typo Blush

MyLifeIsChaotic · 04/04/2011 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Lizcat · 04/04/2011 10:10

YABU DD (7) gave me a card and a beautiful picture of snowdrops she had done at school and I will keep for a long time. Then I made lunch for DH's mother.

minipie · 04/04/2011 10:13

It sounds as if the problem is more that he doesn't do help much with the housework/early mornings generally - and this was particularly annoying on mothers' day - rather than that he didn't get you a necklace.

(I agree that mothers' day is really for when the DCs are old enough to do something themselves or with a bit of help, it originates from adult children living away from home going home to see their mother).

Does he generally do his fair share at home?

louloudia · 04/04/2011 10:13

why did you allow him to sit and watch you do the housework

Original poster
Randomer1 · 04/04/2011 10:15

MyLifeIsChaotic, it's not really about the present itself, it's about the amount of thought he put into it, i.e. zero, and the general level of caring he showed on the day itself. I agree with people who have said that mothers day is about kids and mums not husbands and wives, but as my LO is too young and it was my first mothers day I thought he would have made a bit more effort. He generally treats us both well so maybe I should just let it go and not give it another thought. He doesn't make that much effort with his own mum, it was me that picked and wrapped her present and I'm pretty sure he didn't really bother with stuff like mothers day before I got together with him.

OP posts:
SuchProspects · 04/04/2011 10:16

I don't like the whole specifically pointing out a present and expecting it, and I don't think much to mothers day. But his excuse is pitiful and his efforts seem very half hearted so if you do normally tell each other exactly what you want and you both agree mother's day is important then YANBEntirelyU. But really what someone thinks of you should be about more than one day. You seem to be putting too much meaning into it and I wonder from your description of the day if that is because he seems to take you for granted the rest of the time. Would suggest you stop expecting extra special effort on a few special occasions and start expecting more every day.

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 04/04/2011 10:19

a bit U, sorry!

I'm all for the pampering/card/present thing, but the one year DP got jewellery and a lovely top on behalf of littlemad it felt very wrong, because normally it's a card and flowers or something for the garden.

We also have a tradition that Mothering Sunday is the day littlemad and I start the summer planting with our sunflower seeds.

maybe think about something like that for future years that you can share with your child. Just re-read your first message and noticed you don't mention if you have a son or daughter in it which seems a bit odd for a post about Mothering Sunday. You sort of sound more peed off with your DH for not appreciating you enough, honestly don't pin your hopes of that happening on Mothering Sunday..