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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know IABU but just need to vent...

89 replies

Randomer1 · 04/04/2011 09:27

Have name changed for this as I fully expect to be flamed as an ungrateful cow. I know that plenty of mums get sweet FA for mothers day and I should probably be glad for what I have but I am not impressed with DH right now.

In the run up to mothers day he asked what I wanted and I pointed out a necklace to him that I liked, it's not expensive, about £20. Come yesterday morning I find my present sitting and its a cheapo teddy bear. I was told that this was bought because someone had come round his work selling them and he couldn't remember which specific necklace I had pointed out and he wasn't that keen on the ones I liked anyway . I was pretty pissed off to be honest that he didn't seem to think I was worth a trip to the shops especially since the shops are right near his work and he could have gone at lunchtime or straight after work.

On top of this he has done nothing to make the day special, no breakfast made for me, did not offer to get up early with the baby, sat and watched me do all the housework. This is my first mothers day as a mum and I was looking forward to being spoilt a bit. I had a pretty horrendous labour and delivery a few months ago and now feel like he doesn't give a shit about anything I went through. So AIBU to feel that he has ruined my first mothers day with his inconsiderateness?

OP posts:

sue52 · 04/04/2011 12:29

I think a lot of you are mixing up Valentines day with mothers day. Valentines day is when your DH buys you presents(money permitting), flowers, showers you with love and affection and mothers day is home made cards and breakfast in bed from your children. YA all BU.

whatsallthehullaballoo · 04/04/2011 12:40

YANBU - I make sure Father's Day has been made lovely for my husband. Why is it too much to ask that husbands return the favour??

I completely disagree that it is not husbands responsibility, no presents, don't be a selfish mare/brat blah blah. We work hard as mothers, as do fathers and it is just bloody nice to have someone 'treat' you for the day!!

Pandamoanium · 04/04/2011 13:02

I honestly think that some men need to be told straight about expectations for lots of things - they can't read minds! If you want pampering for a day, then say so well in advance. Don't just hope you will get it then sulk when it doesn't happen! And say that you will do the same on Fathers' Day.

But picking out your own present is OTT as far as I am concerned.

My day was nice, despite suffering a severe debilitating illness so I couldn't go out. DS1 (21) who has ASD, had bought a present and card weeks ago all by himself. DS2 (18 and away at Uni) did a long FB chat and is taking me out to see a film of my choice when he comes home for the holidays (if I feel well enough). DH did everything during the day to help me feel loved and cared for.

Portofino · 04/04/2011 13:08

Mothering Sunday is only about mothers in an incidental way. It is a Christian festival that fall so many Sundays after the start of Lent. It use to be traditional that the children in domestic service returned to home to their Mother church for a special service. As they were normally away from home, of course they did things like bring flowers for their mothers. The tradition is not for DH's to be guilit tripped into buying expensive gifts

new2cm · 04/04/2011 13:09

You are reasonable. I would be upset as well.

Flower1000 · 04/04/2011 13:14

YANBU

my fella is a bit like that, won't buy me anything unless he likes it and generally won't make a fuss over Christmas, Birthdays, Mothers Day, but I've worn him down over the years and even though he doesn't understand why I'd want a fuss, he's realised that it's not worty the hassle if he doesn't make a fuss of me :) Have a chat with him, explain that it means a lot to you, and even if you do feel ungrateful still bring it up and hassle him. I'm always of the opinion that it's not what I get, it's the effort that's put into it that's important. I'd much rather have a home made card than an expenisve one from the shop bought in panic cause he forgot.

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 04/04/2011 13:17

oh no Porto love, you've got it ALL wrong there.

The day is in fact about Mummy to be adorned with jewels and perfume and any DH who misses the opportunity to do so is a total failure and has no appreciation for how hard we work.

..oh and don't forget making the Simnel cake.

Filofax · 04/04/2011 13:23

Portofino, I'm sure you are factually correct in your knowledge but your post comes across is very condescending even with a smiley. So what how things evolved, its not the issue. Our church yesterday was recognising and showing appreciation to mothers and the good things they do, not giving a history lesson or a sly dig.

Evilclown · 04/04/2011 13:23

It is all about the thought though isn't it?

My Grandparents are my parents, as in they brought me up.

So I bought my Nan/mother a lovely glass dish which I knew she would love. Ds bought a tacky ornament. It cost me a lot and every peent counts for me.

My mothers day card is still in ds's rucksack as nobody could be bothered to get it out and the gift my nan got him to give to me is still in her drawer.

Very sad and I am feeling mighty pissed off.

YANBU.

Original poster

Randomer1 · 04/04/2011 13:26

MyLifeIsChaotic, it's not so much the act of buying a present as recognition of being a mother, it's the lack of effort that was put in, like I have said it wouldn't have been difficult for him to nip to the shops but he just didn't bother. I totally get the point that several people have made that its tacky or rude to express a wish to someone for a specific present, but this is what has worked in the past for us as a couple, my DH would be the first to admit he is a terrible shopper which is why he asked and I specified an answer and was a bit when he then went with something else. Now that I have thought a bit more about it the little teddy is quite nice and will be good to put in DD's baby memory box as the first present she ever got me, but yesterday I was annoyed because it just seemed like he had done what was convenient for him, I still think that may be the case but am less annoyed now that I see it with a bit more perspective. And yes I think it is nice to get a present, if that makes me greedy or grasping then so be it.

OP posts:

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 04/04/2011 13:27

hmmm so was ours filofax - in fact littlemad did his very best to be a living example of how accurate the sermon about the endless patience and forgiveness of a Mother was....

Funnily enough though, the vicar didn't mention jewellery once although we were presented with the traditional daffodils.

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 04/04/2011 13:29

Randomer - what a lovely thing to do with the Teddy and I'm really pleased you found a positive out of it.

marmaladetwatkins · 04/04/2011 13:32

The "DHs should only buy for their mummies" is crap.

Pre-school helped DS make me a card on the computer onto which DS typed his name (he is 3 and has just learned to type his own name :)) and DH gave DS £3 to buy me whatever he liked from the shops. I got a keyring with "I will love you forever Mummy" on it (I would have dismissed it as tat before children, I hate novelty keyrings but this one is on my keyfob with pride) and some chocolates. I would have been very if I hadn't even got a token of recognition. It's not about expensive gifts but it SHOULD be about showing mum that she is appreciated. I am assuming that DS won't be bothered much about making me a card off his own back for a few years so I fully expect pre-school/DH to commandeer help him to make one until he does.

And if anyone is thinking of going "well your DS was forced into giving you a card so it means fuck all" can bugger off. He was so excited to give it to me that I got it almost a week early!

Kewcumber · 04/04/2011 13:32

I agree with Larry right up near the beginning though I think your DH making no effort at all (eg not letting you lie in) was a bit mean, though I think you need to be a bit more assertive and less passive aggressive. Doing th ehousework in front of him and then getting grumpy about it is so pointless. A "oi, you git, its motehrs day come and help out with this and we can do some nice together when its finished" would have been a better approach as far as I am concerned.

But re moaning about not getting the present you required - sorry but that is BU.

Portofino · 04/04/2011 13:42

Filofax - my point is the day is NOT about DHs buying pressies - appreciation for mothers in general is something entirely different. I don't see why that is condescending.

Filofax · 04/04/2011 13:42

Liza, yes I know the challenges of small children in church too, and often say 'please god help me'. That said I do think jewellery is a good gift choice, usually much appreciated, not much in the way of guesswork regarding sizes etc.

Ormirian · 04/04/2011 13:47

All i can say is wait until your DC are old enough to buy what they want for you. Then you will know the true meaning of tat

Original poster

Randomer1 · 04/04/2011 13:52

Oh yes Ormirian, I vividly remember buying my mum what I thought were the most beautiful earrings ever when I was about 8. They were huge gold hoop monstrosities that wouldn't be out of place on the Jeremy Kyle show. Wonder why she never wore them .

OP posts:

startail · 04/04/2011 13:52

YANBU my DH is utterly useless at presents and frequently makes me want to rant. He gets totally flustered by the whole business which makes me because he is the most organised person on the planet at all other times.

Bringonthegoat · 04/04/2011 13:56

YANBU - you deserve a bit of special treatment - full stop. You don't seem to feel appreciated generally so I can see why you had your hopes pinned (then squished) on mother's day. It is nice to have a bit of effort put in. Even XH managed to get me lovely card and CD I wanted.

Ormirian · 04/04/2011 14:00

I have a shelf-fujl of little dog, kitten and fairy figurines Enlivened by a few sparkly dragons from a few years back....

I hate bloody ornaments but somehow I am quite fond of these.

Filofax · 04/04/2011 14:04

Portofino please come out of hiding. My DH is a hopeless shopper and gets quite stressed, he'd be over the moon if I had said I liked a £20 necklace in a shop near his work a few days before mothers' day. He would think job done! And my little DS's who are too young to go shopping would be delighted and excited present it (or anything else) yesterday morning. Everybody happy. I really think the OP was not bothered about the necklace it was the effort her DH went to or didn't as she saw it, on her little one's behalf on her first mothers' day.

clitorisorclitoraint · 04/04/2011 14:06

YANBU. Mothering Sunday is a religious/historical celebration whach existed long before Hallmark opened their doors.

I got jack shit from DP last year for my first Mothering Sunday, 3 months after total nightmare and emcs having DD.

I wasn't impressed.

marmaladetwatkins · 04/04/2011 14:18

"I have a shelf-fujl of little dog, kitten and fairy figurines"

Shelf full. Right you are. I kept re-reading "shelf fujl" and thinking "what is this exotic gift?"

Ormirian · 04/04/2011 14:19

It's an Ikea storage unit marmalade.

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