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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to throw this book in the bin?

175 replies

warzone · 03/04/2011 16:34

It was a present for my 2yr old dd. It is called "Be the best ever princess!" The 'content' (ha!) basically involves wearing pink dresses, eating pink cakes, living in a pink castle, being waited on hand and foot, having parties all the time, being the most beautiful of all girls and, of course, meeting a handsome prince.

Would it be ridiculous of me to throw the book in the bin on the grounds that these are the opposite values I want to teach my dd?

I am hesitating because a) it was a present and b) dd seems to like it.

OP posts:
dontcallmepeanut · 03/04/2011 19:46

If I felt it was genuinely harmful, I'd probably recycle it. But it would be on the basis that it promotes the likes of racism, homophobia, abuse,etc...

But the fact it was a present FOR her two year old, kind of bugs me. Wouldn't throwing it away show a major lack of respect? It would to me...

Original poster
warzone · 03/04/2011 20:08

No moonstorm, it was not a present FROM my dd, it was a present FOR her from a family friend. I wouldn't dream of throwing away a book she had chosen to buy, either for me or for herself!

To all those who say it does no harm - I disagree. I didn't throw it out just because I don't like it (if that was the case, we wouldn't have most of her crappy plastic / noisy toys). I threw it out because I do indeed believe it to be potentially harmful. It encourages and promotes aspirations that are shallow, limiting and undermining to girls' true potentials. If you have grown up daughters who used to read this kind of thing and weren't influenced by it long term - good for you. I'm pleased. Your daughters are obviously intelligent and free thinkers. What if my daughter isn't as clever as yours? What if this sort of brainwashing does indeed give her a forever nagging feeling that she isn't good enough when she isn't barbie beautiful / disgustingly rich / falling over handsome princes dying to marry her and keep her in diamond studded pink dresses for the rest of her life?

OP posts:
dontcallmepeanut · 03/04/2011 20:10

Sounds like you have a lot of faith in your daughters intellect Hmm

BlueAmy · 03/04/2011 20:11

I can't believe you think this way over a book. Do you have such little faith in your own parenting that you think a book will carry more weight than the way you raise her? Because that's what it's coming across like.

Original poster
warzone · 03/04/2011 20:21

Dontcallmepeanut - not everyone can have clever children. Maybe mine will be, maybe she won't. I'll love her just the same.

OP posts:
pozzled · 03/04/2011 20:24

My first reaction was that I would get rid of the book, same as you OP. But having thought a little more, if DD liked it I would hang on to it, it is just one book. I'm betting that you already have bookshelves full of other more aspirational reading matter. I wouldn't want DD to have lots of that kind of crap literature, but one won't hurt.

However, I can't believe the posters saying that you are wrong to throw the book out. I'm a firm believer in charity shopping stuff where possible, but it's not like it's worth thousands of pounds or something.

JojoLapin · 03/04/2011 20:25

Your daughter will gain her values from you, not the books she had access to as a v young kid. Plus children need to start enjoying reading with whatever they like visually. Guide her too soon and you risk putting her off.

BsshBossh · 03/04/2011 20:30

I would chuck it out just because it would annoy the hell out of me to have to read it to DD 2.9. YANBU IMHO.

AyeRobot · 03/04/2011 20:30

Chuck it. It's not as if you are calling for a book-burning session.

Nonsense in, nonsense out. She'll be subjected to enough of this stuff in her life. Why contribute to it at home?

dontcallmepeanut · 03/04/2011 20:30

OK, DS's favourite book at the moment is a book by Oliver Jeffers, about a kid who wanders off to find a star to keep as a friend. Now, my son must have heard this book a million times over, but that doesn't mean he goes wandering off on his own. He absorbs what Mummy tells him to do "don't walk off, hold Mummy's hand by the road or in the city centre"

Balance it out. Let her enjoy her childhood, and whatever books she enjoys with it. But find a couple of more feminist friendly books to go with it.

BsshBossh · 03/04/2011 20:31

By "chuck it out" I meant charity/library etc...

youcangetpregnantstandingup · 03/04/2011 20:44

You can't throw everything she gets as a present in the bin just because it goes against YOUR values. There'll be plenty more gifts she gets growing up from school friends, relatives, etc that you won't like - Bratz dolls, Disney Princess books... are you going to throw them all in the bin to make yourself feel better, and liberated, regardless of whether your daughter likes them or not?

Agree with peanut. Let your DD enjoy her childhood! And if you make a big enough deal of princessy= wrong then she may well go even further in that direction. You make something seem forbidden and wrong, it makes it an even more of an attractive thing to do to some children.

Some girls are princessy and love pink and dressing up and glitter. That's not a Bad Thing! Let her be herself, and decide for herself what she likes or doesn't like.

Sounds like this is a whole lot about you, and not really about your DD at all.

Dozer · 03/04/2011 20:45

YANBU. Is not just the princess books for girls and superheroes ones for boys, it's that sooo many baby girl baby clothes/toys etc are pink and boys blue.

People saying "but girls like playing princesses" : they like this because they learn very early on (from other kids, TV, relatives, books like this), that it is what girls are expected to do!

People saying "it's just a book", the point is that it isn't. Girls are surrounded by sexist shite all the time, from a young age.

Early Learning Centre is one of the worst. Lots of the same toys, but pink for girls and blue for boys. And you have to pay an extra tenner to get a "unisex" colour microscooter.

Whatever happened to the unisex stuff we had in the 70s/80s?

I don't bin books like this, I just let them sit at the bottom of the heap, change the words (she can't read yet!) and don't encourage DD to read them and try to give her better stuff.

TuttoRhino · 03/04/2011 20:52

I'd probably throw it out if someone gave it to my daughter. Get her a copy of the Paperbag Princess by Robert Munsch instead.

Beamur · 03/04/2011 20:56

I fully intend to screen all the stuff DD gets and I buy to make sure it is part and parcel of the values I want to surround her with.
How can you not think that books/stories etc that your child reads is not part of that?
Plus I am not spending my time reading her books that make my toes curl.
I'm not against girls, or boys, wanting to wear pink and be princesses, thats not it, but I do want to expose my DD to fun, well written and enriching books and toys.

dontcallmepeanut · 03/04/2011 21:06

To those saying that you WOULD throw the book out, or would screen the gifts to make sure they cohere to your moral code, do you not think that shows a lack of respect to the person bearing the gift? Also, do your kids not get a say? Surely giving them a chance to make up their own minds about their morals and what not is better than force-feeding your own down their necks?

youcangetpregnantstandingup · 03/04/2011 21:12

and actually this whole discussion is utterly nauseating given the fact that there are millions of kids in the world with nothing. No toys, no books, nothing. Whilst the OP tosses books in the bin just to fit with her 'values' and to show off about how forward thinking she is. Pink, blue, princesses, knights, who cares? They all turn out ok in the end, some people have far too much time on their hands to think about these things!

Beamur - good luck with the screening thing - feel a bit sorry for your DD already! Just let her be, it's her childhood, not yours!

BelleDameSansMerci · 03/04/2011 21:12

Yes, dontcallme, I'd love for my DD to read that the only worthwhile thing is to be pretty and wait around for a "prince" to marry her Hmm

Onetoomanycornettos · 03/04/2011 21:13

Be like my parents, cut my hair like a boys and make me wear lovely brown dungarees, ban Barbie and Girl's World, and let me play with tools and hammers. It had no effect. I've worn make-up since the age of 13. I also have an interesting career. There's more than one way to be a woman, trust that your daughter will pick out what interests her, the odd princess book alongside lots of other books is neither here nor there. And be prepared that she may well want to wear pink, she's not immune to her culture and you can't keep her in a bubble.

JojoLapin · 03/04/2011 21:15

I absolutely agree with peanut, I want my children to have access to other views than my own. We then can talk about it....

dontcallmepeanut · 03/04/2011 21:17

BelleDame, I did NOT say it was the only thing she should be reading, so please don't twist my words. Now, re-read my comments, and you'll see that I've given suggestions where OP can keep the book (thus, not becoming a literature fascist) but also can read books she deems appropriate.

BelleDameSansMerci · 03/04/2011 21:18

But there's a way in the middle, surely? Why does not liking a book that stresses "being a princess" lead directly to controlling a child's childhood? Can you all, honestly, say that you do not monitor the things that your child reads or watches (leaving aside age appropriateness which, I assume, is a given)?

AyeRobot · 03/04/2011 21:19

dontcallmepeanut, if you were given a truly hideous picture from someone, would you put it up in your house out of respect for them? And do you think that children will miss out on exposure to this stuff in the wider world if they are not read to by their parent from one book?

It would be lovely if all of these little things (one book, a hair clip, the name of one shop, one advert etc etc) really were only one thing and didn't really matter. The cumulative effect, though, matters a great deal, especially to girls. As I said earlier, how are we to raise daughters to believe in equality and being valued for their talents not only their beauty if the message all around them is that it's only beauty and compliance to a princessesy-type norm that counts. And an unobtainable measure of beauty for that matter.

dittany · 03/04/2011 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fernie3 · 03/04/2011 21:21

It's up to you but personally I would keep it just because you said your daughter seems to like it.
My oldest daughter had loads of princess books and pink and fluffy bits n bobs (go ahead judge away) and she won't look at them now - she rejects all my attempts at Girly games. My two year old has the same and loves them all (as does my 4 year old ds - who was the one who wore the lovely princess dress I bought dd years ago and she ignored). I don't think one book will warp her forever.

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