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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want relatives with cold sores kissing our baby.

111 replies

chrispt · 02/04/2011 23:46

I asked my wife whether we should talk to her sister about kissing DS. She does a playful kiss-kiss-kiss-kiss-kiss all over him which makes him laugh. she never kisses him when cold sores are showing but i know you can catch them without a visible outbreak.

Am i being unreasonable to not want my son to be afflicted with this?
Am i being unreasonable to not want to catch an STI from my own son?!?

Argh!

OP posts:

iwantadogbutarabbitwoulddo · 03/04/2011 00:15

Yes i know Tsil

It's a bit different with your own baby though, you kind of have to kiss it (to demonstrate love etc etc, so you obviously have to be extremely extremely careful

If the baby isn't yours and you get cold sores- then don't bloody kiss it!

TheBlindAssassin · 03/04/2011 00:18

Love the fact that I possibly got an STI from my own mother, despite never having had sex at the time ... Then again, I can never know if I did get it from my mother - it could have been either of my grans, my grandads, aunts, uncles, cousins, the stranger who asked to hold and kiss another stranger's baby, a little child who asked to hold a baby, a stranger who had previously kissed another stranger, the latter of which then touched their face before proceeding to shake the hand of someone else who then touched their face and then so happened to kiss me at some point before I turned 5 years old etc ...

The definition of an STI is ... wait for it ... "sexually transmitted infection". If you have not caught an infection by having sex, then for you, it is NOT a sexually transmitted infection - rather, just an infection that may just so happen to be transmitted sexually but not in all cases (same way as HIV can be acquired via a sexual encounter or a transfusion with tainted blood ...)

Just to put further heeby jeebies up you, you do realise that a LOT of people have the virus but NEVER ever break out in a single cold sore? Then again, others, like me, get them up their noses so they are not visible to anyone. Others get mouth ulcers which are also not visible to others (yes, just in case you were wondering, they too could be caused by the same virus) ...

I can completely understand you not wanting her to kiss your baby when she has an active outbreak. However, you then should not be allowing ANYONE to kiss your baby. Also, have you personally been tested for the cold sore virus? Has your wife? Do either of you never get mouth ulcers? If the answer to any/all of those questions is "no", do you kiss your child? If so, you are personally putting your child at risk ...

After what may seem like an unnecessarily pedantic post, I guess what I am trying to say is that minimise risks all you want - there are just some things that are not ascertainable or preventable and you would do better to apportion and act upon any worries you may have about your child proportionately ...

iwantadogbutarabbitwoulddo · 03/04/2011 00:20

You can get genital herpes by having oral sex with someone that has a cold sore. Thus, it IS an STI.

TheBlindAssassin · 03/04/2011 00:20

I see I've cross-posted with a lot of people ... That'll teach me for pausing for mouthfuls of ice cream between typing ...

petisa · 03/04/2011 00:20

it's an awful virus isn't it sprinkles

thanks for cheering me up re my eye , now I'm wondering if the virus that's on my optic nerve is going to travel to my brain! what happens then if it does? Thankfully I haven't had an outbreak in years.

I had that infection in my mouth once, it was agony, i couldn't eat anything for days and had to just drink stuff through a straw, it was like having a hundred mouth ulcers all over the inside of my mouth

bet you wouldn't want me kissing your baby op i haven't had any type of outbreak for years now and am almost never ill, despite this post!

i am absolutely paranoid about passing the virus on to my children and it is my worst fear that they would get it in their eyes too, though i know that is rare. i don't want them ever to even get a teeny tiny cold sore on their lips EVER and freak if i see hovering family members with cold sores

MillyR · 03/04/2011 00:25

HNT, no I am not a doctor, but I had to learn about the basics of sexual health in my former job.

rockinhippy · 03/04/2011 00:31

YABVVVVU

Its a Herpes Virus - YEs - but it is NOT the same form of the Virus that causes Genital herpes, there are lots of different kinds of Herpes Virus - Chicken pox is another - are you also mentally logging that as an STI too?? - you SERIOUSLy need to get a grip

You say your SIL doesn't kiss your Son with a cold sore, then she is already acting responsibly, what more do you expect the poor woman & anyone else unlucky enough to be carrying any form of Herpes Virus to be walking around wearing some sort of full body protection suit & mask?? - you have some serious issues if so

& FWIW did you have Chicken pox as a Kid??? I expect the answer to that is yes? - in which case you also carry the Herpes Virus - better lock yourself away & never kiss your DC again

DH gets occasional cold sores, so does his Sister the do exactly as your SIL does & neither I nor our DD do - so get a grip & stop over reacting

HaggisNeepsnTatties · 03/04/2011 00:35

MillyR - thought not. I have taken advice from several doctors on cold sores and the likelihood of me passing them to my children (or anyone else for that matter).

babylann · 03/04/2011 00:38

I appreciate everyone saying he is being unreasonable because of the facts stated about it not being contagious unless there is a present outbreak but, with it being a baby we're talking about, I think the OP is within their rights to take a "better safe then sorry" approach regarding this issue. You can't help wanting to protect a tiny baby, even if there's only a 1% risk of whatever it is actually happening.

BitOfFun · 03/04/2011 00:41

This is all a bit hysterical, surely?

HaggisNeepsnTatties · 03/04/2011 00:41

Babylann - so what you're saying is that I shouldn't have kissed my children ever?! Even where they were born? Even when they were toddlers and were upset? Even when they had immunisations? Should I be banned from kissing babies and children forever??

iwantadogbutarabbitwoulddo · 03/04/2011 00:43

Yes rockinhippy,

One strain of the cold sore virus CAN cause genital herpes- thus this strain can be called an STI.

No, chicken pox can't cause genital herpes, thus it's not an STI

The virus is not particularly nice, thus all care should be taken to avoid infecting a baby. If you don't need to kiss one, then don't.

AuntieMaggie · 03/04/2011 00:48

Not hysterical no - there was a story about a baby who died after being kissed by someone with a cold sore because the baby had no immunity as the mother had never had one!

SpringFollows · 03/04/2011 00:49

Oh FFS

rockinhippy · 03/04/2011 00:50

yes iwantadog I knew that, I was being ironic

& from the OP it looks like the SIL IS taking all care not to infect - as the OP states she never kisses him when cold sores are showing

MillyR · 03/04/2011 00:51

HNT, so what? It is perfectly straightforward for you or anyone else to look up viral shedding of the herpes virus on the internet and read that it often occurs without symptoms. Many people with herpes don't even know they have it, because they never get symptoms.

It is irresponsible to give out incorrect information about STIs, and I would suggest that anyone who is concerned about this looks up the information for themselves. Here is a link to a herpes support network:

www.herpes-coldsores.com/viral_shedding.htm

lesley33 · 03/04/2011 00:58

I have had cold sores for years. I always know when I am going to get one as the skin starts tingling beforehand. And i always put zovirax on at this point these days - so I don't actually get them appearing. Can you not just talk to DS about your worries and ask if she too can feel this before a cold sore actually appears.

I have to say though that its is an incredibly high % of the population that have the cold sore virus in their system - think about two thirds. So really if you are very afraid of this IMO you would need to stop anyone else kissing your baby and not just your DS. And hopefully you realise this would be OTT.

rockinhippy · 03/04/2011 01:04

www.herpes-coldsores.com/cold_sores.htm

This link would be much more use Milly as it deals with the OPs question on Cold Sores

your link takes you to the Herpes Page which in the light of the OPs question would just feed his paranoia

The OP doesn't say his SIL has Genital Herpes as in HSV2 virus & that is the cause of her cold sores, in which case it is an STI, so I am reading that as him being OTT about the common or garden cold sore

lesley33 · 03/04/2011 01:04

Actually just googled it - 85% of the population have this virus. And I have friends like me who put zovirax on as soon as they feel the tingling. Because of this you would never know that we have the cold sore virus. But I think when my skin is tingling it is contagious, so I would never kiss a baby or child when I feel this.

I can understand your concerns about someone who has cold sores at the time kissing your baby. But as the virus is so widespread in the population, I think you have to deal with your anxiety around this one.

And lets face it, if kissing a baby by someone with the virus who doesn't have cold sores was risky for babies, there would be a massive health campaign telling the 85% of the population who have the virus not to kiss babies.

rockinhippy · 03/04/2011 01:05

www.herpes-coldsores.com/cold_sores.htm

This link would be much more use Milly as it deals with the OPs question on Cold Sores

your link takes you to the Herpes Page which in the light of the OPs question would just feed his paranoia

rockinhippy · 03/04/2011 01:06

no idea how that posted twice

lesley33 · 03/04/2011 01:10

Just to say in terms of cold sores causing major problems in the eyes - zovirax has only existed for about last 20 years. Before there was no effective treatment for cold sores in the eyes.

About 6 years ago I started to get occasional cold sores in my eye. It is treated now with a weak version of zovirax. As long as the person affected goes to GP soon after developing it and then follows the treatment as directed, cold sores in the eyes shouldn't cause any damage to vision. Not of course that you would want this to happen, but it isn't the major problem it once was.

Eurostar · 03/04/2011 01:13

"Am i being unreasonable to not want to catch an STI from my own son?!?"

Frankly you sound like you are suffering from unreasonable amounts of health anxiety. Firstly you think your son is going to get it and secondly you think you are then going to get it from him and thirdly I presume you think that if one of you do you will be among the tiny, tiny unlucky number who get lasting damage from it.

It's estimated that about two thirds of the population would show HSV-1 or 2 antibodies if tested. (1 traditionally being known as cold sore virus and 2 as genital but they being pretty much interchangeable these days with about 50% of new genital cases being HSV-1 in the UK)

You never got the virus when kissed - why should your son?

MillyR · 03/04/2011 01:14

RH, the link I posted was to the risk from viral shedding, which is how herpes is transmitted. That is what the OP is asking about.

It isn't paranoia. 25% of babies under a month who catch the herpes virus die. Some of those cases are from people with the virus kissing them. I am assuming the OP's child is older, but it is still a risk.

lesley33 · 03/04/2011 01:19

If it isn't paranoia, then given how many people in britain have the virus, the logical thing would be to stop anyone kissing our babies then?

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