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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I call DP on this, or am I overreacting?

78 replies

Mahraih · 01/04/2011 21:19

In a nutshell: DS is 7 weeks. DP works, I stay at home and as DS is BF, I don't exactly get out much, but have managed twice (DP looked after DS once).

DP is generally 'good' about coming back after work though he has had dinners/drinks with friends once or twice per week maybe, and is good with nappies. But again, as DS is BF, I am with him most of the time even when DP is at home. DP leaves the house at about 6.30am (he likes to have 'writing' time before work; a personal project) which I am fine with, and often has an afternoon or two at weekends as well.

Tonight, he is going for a drink with a friend. I was expecting him home by 10/10.30pm as he usually is (we didn't clarify this but that is what usually happens) but have just got a text saying:

"A quick heads-up - only just meeting X now in his office. Not my fault but my apologies, back later xxx"

There is something about the tone of this that just makes me want to scream. I feel he should have let me know earlier, or called, or something more than that shitty text. TBH it's probably more about me - DS is going through some sort of phase and apart from going swimming today has been a mardy little thing 90% of the time. I feel like I am very understanding of DP's need to have his own time, especially with his project (I no longer get this sort of time) and he is taking it for granted.

AIBU? I want to tell him off but am not sure what for, and would like him to be here to support me with DS who won't stop crying ... argh.

OP posts:
havenobrain · 01/04/2011 21:23

It's sounds to me like you're very much on your own and that he is not there enough.
I would feel the same.
Do you trust him?
What's he been doing all evening if he's only meeting x?

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/04/2011 21:24

I have a DD about the same age. It does get a bit annoying when it's not DH's fault. I find that what helps is to agree what everyone gets. So, DH gets to go out 1-2 times a week, I get a lie in on both weekend days (when DD has her feed, he takes her and I sleep). He also cleans a lot and fetches glasses of water etc. when I'm feeding. So, we both get treats and I don't feel as Envy

Original poster
Mahraih · 01/04/2011 21:24

p.s. just to make it clear, I know that I am generally very lucky as DP is a very good dad, and a very good DP.

I'm not complaining about him in GENERAL, and if I am being U, am prepared to accept it!

OP posts:
MirandaGoshawk · 01/04/2011 21:25

It seems a pretty straightforward text to me. At least he is thinking 'I should let her know I'll be late'.

Forgive him this, but find a good time to speak to him soon & let him know you feel a bit left on your own to cope with DS.

thisisyesterday · 01/04/2011 21:26

yes, yabu in as much as, you'd agreed he'd be out, and he IS letting you know that he might be later than normal, whih is nice? no?

that said, you've got a tiny baby, and it'd be nice if he spent more time with you perhaps?

AgentZigzag · 01/04/2011 21:26

I think if you're going to say how his behaviour is making you feel it's probably not best to do it tonight.

Try and get a time when you can talk together and are less stressed out.

But you're NBU to need more support, maybe he doesn't know how much you're struggling?

legaleagle21 · 01/04/2011 21:27

I think you are being really reasonable - a 7 week old and he is out twice a week! That is not fair. He needs to grow up - your on your own with a baby all day - he needs to get home and give you a break but also bond with the bab

Bringonthegoat · 01/04/2011 21:27

YANBU to want a bit more help - sounds like you are not getting the support you need. YWBU to 'tell him off' - talk to him about your feelings and what it is you would like. In fact just show him your OP.

TheSecondComing · 01/04/2011 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Skinit · 01/04/2011 21:28

Sounds a bit businesslike to me! I would be Hmm if my DH texed me in that tone!

Impersonal and bossy. Heads up indeed!

rookiemater · 01/04/2011 21:28

YANBU. It sounds as if your DP's life has changed very little as in his personal hobby is being accomodated by him going into work early and at the weekend and is still getting a social life.
You need to claim the same for yourself, go out for a couple of hours at the weekend on your own even if it's just for a coffee or to the library so that he has more understanding that every time one person has time on their own it means that the other person is on child care duties.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/04/2011 21:28

I missed the bit about the weekend afternoons (must read). That's a bit much. On weekends he needs to be on deck and help out.

hissymissy · 01/04/2011 21:29

I think maybe you are over reacting a little bit because you are tired and need a break. Maybe wait till you have calmed down (it's the weekend, will he be at home tomorrow?) and have a chat. Set down expectations and that you feel a little abandoned left at home all day, not to mention over wraught, and you felt a text was a little cold and off hand! Maybe you could ask him to call you next time, because you probably just wanted to share the crappy day you'd been having with him, and have a short chat, before he got back to his colleagues.

Also, if you are resentful of him spending time out with friends/colleagues, you have to say so, calmly and reasonably.

Get out of the house with the baby! Go to the park etc... Do not spend all day alone at home. Are there mother and baby groups around?

Original poster
Mahraih · 01/04/2011 21:29

havenobrain - I'm not sure what he's been up to Confused, he didn't say. I assume just loitering in the office, or in a coffee shop? I do trust him.

MrsTerryPratchett - DP is very good at making tea/fetching juice etc, and does so with very good grace. Maybe I should negotiate some lie-ins. Yes, that would be a great idea. DP has taken DS to do the shopping a couple of times - I might ask that that become a weekly thing.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/04/2011 21:30

The thing about lie-ins is they make me a nicer wife as well Grin

trixie123 · 01/04/2011 21:31

what exactly in his life has changed since DS arrival? It SHOULD impact on both of you, regardless of feeding method. He is not "good" with nappies, it is his son. No-one would say you were "good" because you feed or change him. If he is staying out late twice a week and getting 2 afternoons off every weekend when exactly do you get a turn? Are you expressing at all so that he can feed DS? 7 weeks is very early days and obviously it takes time to adjust but you need to address this otherwise it will get worse. You do need someone else there even if they can't practically do anything. Our DS (20months) had a terrible night last week and although I was mostly dealing with it, I still wanted DP not to have his head under the covers just so that I didn't feel like it was all down to me to solve whatever the hell the problem was. He needs to be there more and you need to tell him.

moondog · 01/04/2011 21:31

I agree.
Dinner and drinks out twice a week while he has a new baby at home????

Let alone the other indulgences.

Fucking hell.

Does he actually want to be with you?
I recall my dh rushing home to spend time with us at that stage.

Eglu · 01/04/2011 21:31

It sounds like he has a lot of 'me' time and his life had not changed very much since the birth of your DS.

I would be going stir crazy if DH was out that much.

TheSkiingGardener · 01/04/2011 21:32

He does seem a bit casual in not realising the effect this has on you. Knowing when DH comes home makes my life so much easier because I know when I'm going to get a break.

He does sound like a very lucky man to have so much me time. Surely you are both entitled to the same amount of me time?

Original poster
Mahraih · 01/04/2011 21:34

Thanks for all the replies!

DP really needs to spend time on his 'personal project'. It's very important to him and if he didn't have time to do it, he'd get very irritable and sad.

I agree - I am being a bit U. It's less that he's spending the time away, and more about the tone of the text. I feel dismissed, that's it. I won't 'tell him off', he doesn't deserve that.

rookiemater - DP's life has changed - less than mine but that is inevitable. He goes out less than he used to, much less.

hissymissy - absolutely, it's my rule to get out of the house at least once a day. I see friends (with DS), go to the park, swimming pool etc. There are mother/baby groups but tbh I've felt too intimidated to go. We live in quite an affluent area and all the mothers are mid-30's, upper middle-class. I suppose I'm upper middle-class too, but only 22 and mixed-race so I feel a bit isolated where we live. I will give it a go though - there's a playtime at the library and least I feel comfortable amongst the books!

OP posts:
DaisySteiner · 01/04/2011 21:35

So he changes nappies. Well woop-de-doo, real father of the year material there then Hmm

Dinner/drinks once or twice a week? A couple of afternoons to 'write'?! Is he an angst-ridden teenager scribbling in his diary?! Sorry, he sounds like he's taking the piss tbh. And you don't sound understanding, you sound like a doormat.

He doesn't sound much like my idea of a great dad and dp, but hopefully he's wonderful in lots of ways that you haven't mentioned or I think you've landed yourself a bit of a bum deal. Stand up for yourself!

rookiemater · 01/04/2011 21:35

Ok here are the unwritten rules for a fairish partnership with baby:

  1. Each party gets one lie in at the weekend. Lie ins are unfortunately not like pre baby lie ins, but something reasonable like 9.00am.

  2. Each partner should get similar free time at weekends to do whatever they want. Partner who has not spent all week with baby should do slightly more with baby than at home partner

  3. Working person should endeavour to come home at a reasonable hour I would say at least 3 days a week unless work circumstances prevent it

  4. Neither partner should whinge about their life being harder than the others if rules 1-3 are followed. Life with a baby is tough, and if both parties are feeling knackered and slightly hard done by then the balance is probably about right.

moondog · 01/04/2011 21:36

Unreasonable??
I think you are being a complete and utter doorstep to be honest.

'DP really needs to spend time on his 'personal project'. It's very important to him and if he didn't have time to do it, he'd get very irritable and sad.'

First rule of thumb when you have a child is THE BABY COMES FIRST.

It will only get worse for you.

moondog · 01/04/2011 21:37

Doormat!
That was the word I was after!

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/04/2011 21:38

Just so you know, (may have to name change as TMI) I am white, late 30's and middle class. I would love to have you at baby group, you sound very nice. Just jump in, people are nicer than you think!