Should I call DP on this, or am I overreacting?

[Mahraih]

In a nutshell: DS is 7 weeks. DP works, I stay at home and as DS is BF, I don't exactly get out much, but have managed twice (DP looked after DS once).

DP is generally 'good' about coming back after work though he has had dinners/drinks with friends once or twice per week maybe, and is good with nappies. But again, as DS is BF, I am with him most of the time even when DP is at home. DP leaves the house at about 6.30am (he likes to have 'writing' time before work; a personal project) which I am fine with, and often has an afternoon or two at weekends as well.

Tonight, he is going for a drink with a friend. I was expecting him home by 10/10.30pm as he usually is (we didn't clarify this but that is what usually happens) but have just got a text saying:

"A quick heads-up - only just meeting X now in his office. Not my fault but my apologies, back later xxx"

There is something about the tone of this that just makes me want to scream. I feel he should have let me know earlier, or called, or something more than that shitty text. TBH it's probably more about me - DS is going through some sort of phase and apart from going swimming today has been a mardy little thing 90% of the time. I feel like I am very understanding of DP's need to have his own time, especially with his project (I no longer get this sort of time) and he is taking it for granted.

AIBU? I want to tell him off but am not sure what for, and would like him to be here to support me with DS who won't stop crying ... argh.

I was in a very similar situation to you and what annoyed me, was not so much that DH was out ( mine had band practice- his hobby to keep him sane) it was getting a text saying that he'd be back later than I originally thought. I'd planned in my head he'd be back at Xo'clock, then I'd know that I'd get a break then IYSWIM, especially if its been a "cranky baby day"

It also annoyed me because I wasn't able to do that if I went out ( had to get back as DD refused bottles)

It took me a while to realise I was a bit jealous of DH and didn't want to resent him for time out that he needed too. However YOU need time too and support. I am way way way more laid back than my mates re DP/H going out, but even I think yours is pushing it.

Speak to your DP and explain how you feel. I ended up writing it down as my hormonal state meant I invariably ended up in tears, and couldn't get across what I meant to say!

Oh and try out some groups, I finally went to my first bf support group today and wished I'd done it months ago.

Mahraih - you sound like you're doing really well (I'm not sure me and DS got out once a day at 7 weeks) but you do need to renegotiate.

I do appreciate your DP's 'need' to write - I too have a novel that I've been writing for years but I do treat it as a hobby that I enjoy and do realise that it often needs to go on the back burner when real life takes over. He will always be able to write his novel, his son, however, will not be a baby for long. Hang on in there - my DS is 15 months now and life is so very different to this time last year. I have been out in the evening twice this week and am popping to Brighton to celebrate a friend's birthday tomorrow night despite Mother's Day. Once they hit 6 months they quickly transform and your life starts to take on a different shape.

So....the novel may never be finished. And even if it is, he may move onto another novel. I think you need to find 'your thing' - difficult though that is with DS at 7 weeks. I started a local book club (which died a death after about 6 months...pah) when DS was about 2 months - but it made me feel a bit 'me' again. Is there something you want to do which you need to set time aside for?

DP really needs to spend time on his 'personal project'. It's very important to him and if he didn't have time to do it, he'd get very irritable and sad

DP is almost 27 and none of his friends have kids, so yes, he does feel out of sync.

He feels pressured into 'growing up', trapped in a lifestyle he finds boring (9-5 job, getting a house, etc) and bored with his life. Keeping DS was my decision and one he fought hard, so I think I sometimes just feel glad he stuck around

"D"P needs to grow up sharpish, get his head out of his self centred egotistical backside, and be a proper partner and father, because from that little lot ^ he sure aint doing it at the moment.

Madonnawhore - I've tried to formulate a reply to your post about three times now! Everything I write just makes me sound like a mewling, naive little girl.

Suffice to say, I think that DP believes I am happy with the situation. If I had told him I was unhappy, he would have made changes (based on past experience). So that is what I will do. I'll also make my own changes by going out more, so we will hopefully have a similar amount of time off.

I do feel guilty, and insecure. I need to work on that as, again, I am sure DP isn't aware of it. DP is lovely but a lot of the time unless things are spelled out to him, completely misses the emotional side of things.

TheyKnowEsperanto - glad you have your life back (sort of) now! It sounds great, and I look forward to that stage :) Yes, I think DP's novel is too big a part of both our lives tbh. If I had the time, I'd also be writing! I thought I would get it while DS was napping but he either doesn't nap or I'm too knackered. Hopefully that will change as DS gets more of a routine.

OP you have nothing to feel guilty for. He knew what he was signing up for, he decided to stay, so now he has to man up and start acting like a parent.

Presumably you didn't trick him into having this baby? The contribution to its conception was 50/50, so you shouldn't feel like the responsibility is all yours and he needs to be assuaged constantly.

"I've tried to formulate a reply to your post about three times now! Everything I write just makes me sound like a mewling, naive little girl. "

Also, this is quite telling. If, in trying to write a defence of his behaviour you feel yourself to be coming across as naive then perhaps there's something in that...?

I do wonder, madonnawhore ... I find myself wanting to write things like, "DP is amazing generally". But obviously not THAT amazing or he'd be shunning invitations in order to play peekaboo with DS.

However, I don't believe that his behaviour is symptomatic of something that is likely to end our relationship. I think he does want to be a good father, he just doesn't see what his role is as DS needs feeding a lot, and also responds best to me. I also think that he will make the changes that would help us be a better family. He has in the past and, having thought through it this evening, I believe he will again.

So yes, he could be doing a better job of things and I'd rather he was better at realising how hard childcare is, but it's not at the stage where I'd string him up, iyswim.

And no, I didn't trick him into having the baby, not at all. I just ... was emotionally incapable of having an abortion.

Not sure why but this thread has made me really sad. It doesnt sound like he sends much time with the bavy or you. And also that so many other trivial things are so much more important. Hope you get things sorted OP

Your DS is still teenytiny but there's still a lot your DP can do besides feeds - bathing, dressing, cuddling, nappies, playing,winding, comforting - oh and cooking/housework if you're pinned to the sofa with the baby. When our DD was small, DH did all the daytime nappies and bathtimes as his official duties and then other stuff as it came up. Your DS might prefer you now but he's not going to learn to be comforted by your DP if he never does it :)

YANBU btw. I would have gone mental if DH had been out twice a week (and both weekend afternoons off - wtf?).

YANBU. He goes out twice a week, he leaves the house massively early so that he can fulfil his "personal project" and he has every weekend afternnon to himself. Wow. Fatherhood has really changed his life.

Frankly he needs to grow up or fuck off. There are always going to be problems in a couple relationship when the man decides that he is the person and that all the leisure time available in the family schedule is for him.
He's well aware that you are scared of him leaving, so he is doing whatever he likes in the assumption that you won't call him on his behaviour in case he leaves. This is really unhealthy.

Well, someone who can't even empathise with their partner and "unless things are spelled out to him, completely misses the emotional side of things" is not capable of producing a work of emotional subtlety and depth like a novel, so he might as well knock that little fantasy on the head now. Certainly don't subsume your life in support of his hopes of producing a great novel, because it's not going to happen.

The three rules given above are a very sensible modus vivendi. Following them will stop your resentment festering into a boiling rage.

If I were you, I would be keeping on top of my contraception. If he's this bad with one child, two would be a catastrophe. Seriously, get an implant.

I think he hasn't taken in the real impact of having a baby. It is life changing. That means that going out for drinks after work etc, working on a novel changes, stops or gets shelved.
You and he together are the parents of a completely helpless human being who needs around the clock care. This should be the priority. The baby is not your hobby, Neither of you will ever have the pre-baby life again. It is gone. In its place you will have something richer, more meaningful, more chaotic and less self centred.
Try to talk him through your day and think about what you need. Probably his company at night. In a few weeks/months you will both be able to get out more.
Meanwhile, just because he was reluctant to have your DS does not mean that you have to ignore and bury your own needs from now on.
One good thing about both of you being so young, you have lots of stamina for the late nights of parenting!

ninedragons, I'm not sure that you can have an implant while still bf'ing - I'm on the POP for that reason if I remember rightly (also we're going to TTC in six months or so, so don't need something quite as long term, but I think I couldn't have had the implant anyway).

MahRaih, i sympathise as it is difficult to work this stuff out, especially when you're younger, with fewer of your friends having already blazed the trail.

With such a young baby, yes, a lot of the time your DS will need you and there's not much getting away from it (though you could FF some of the time as pointed out). Make sure that even if youre not out of an evening, you still get some time every day when you're not responsible for the baby. My DP bathes our DD every night (since she was about 4 or 5 weeks old, so not much different from your baby), and at weekends in the mornings if she wakes up and doesn't need a feed right away he takes her downstairs to squeak while I get a bit more kip. Just some examples, not an exhaustive list, but when we sorted out the bath thing it felt like a real relief for me because up till then it was a bit like I'd had to think of what came next most of the time.

Hi All!

Just a quick update. DP came home with his tail between his legs, and we've had a long talk.

As I suspected, he hasn't really thought about the amount of time he spends away. He admiited he has been 'selfish' and apologised, a lot. He agrees he needs to be around more, both for DS' sake and my sanity and that when he is in the house, needs to be a more active parent - bathing, playing etc. I am also going to go out more, even if just for a walk.

I'm genuinely happy for him to continue working on his novel in the mornings. He leaves when I'm still asleep and would have been gone for work anyway by the time DS wakes up, so he doesn't lose any quality time. But weekends are now family time, and that is the priority, rather than writing.

He's reacted as I suspected; he has ever been reasonable when I discuss things with him, but he does need a discussion to spur him into change.

I also told him that I feel I have to make his life as easy as possible for fear of him leaving - he said emphatically, several times, that he isn't going anywhere. I think that I knew that before; just this little paranoid voice in my head keeps telling me I can't have a happy ending. I'm going to work on shutting that voice up.

This morning I woke up - no DS beside me! (we cosleep). DP had - FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER - picked a waking DS up and played with him for an hour. He is also going to use the sling for the first time today. Obviously it's only day 1 of the new regime, but I won't let him get away with being lax from now on.

ninedragons - comixminx is right, no implant while BF and only the mini-pill allowed, rather than the pill. Still thinking about contraceptive options but don't worry, am not feckless!

Thanks for all your advice, everyone - without it, I wouldn't have spoken to DP about this, just festered in my own resentment. I'm feeling a lot more positive :)

Well done M, wishing you a happy day :)

"DP really needs to spend time on his 'personal project'. It's very important to him"
Fine. How much time do you get in lieu for you to pursue your own things?

Well done for tackling it. Make sure you keep on this way and don't let resentment build up.

Great. Make sure he keeps it up!

Fantastic, Mahraih - well done! Keep the communication lines open - it's not always easy to start talking about things rather than letting them fester, cos festering is so much easier!

That is terrific - sounds like you have cleared the air.

And I recommend being a leetle bit mercenary/tit for tat with personal time out especially as the babe gets bigger and the gaps between feeds get longer. If he gets an afternoon out at the weekend, so do you - three and a half hours, precisely what he takes, not a half hour walk. A lot of people learn best by doing things for themselves - he might think three hours isn't a big ask until he's spent that third hour watching the front door waiting for you to come through it. The more partners do with babies the more confident they get and the more they do.... :D

It is great he was so receptive. Hope it is a turning point for all three of you.

Thought it was also worth commenting on the "boring life" aspect (9-5 job, getting a house). It's true this can be staid but it needn't be. Writing a novel is quite a good creative outlet whether or not it goes anywhere (though it shouldn't stop him from contributing his fair share of childcare!). But interacting with a little baby, especially as he gets a little older & can smile etc, is also v rewarding & creative - lots of new things to spot, every day & week! The more that your DP spends time with DS, the more they will both get out of it. It won't feel like a chore but like a delight (alright, mostly).

thought I would check in this AM and see what was happening. Am so glad you spoke to him and he has reassured you. Do persevere and achieve the balance that will allow both of you to be parents AND people - I really think a key element of that is sorting out feeding one way or another so you can have more time away and he can be 100% in charge for a few hours. Best of luck