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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I call DP on this, or am I overreacting?

78 replies

Mahraih · 01/04/2011 21:19

In a nutshell: DS is 7 weeks. DP works, I stay at home and as DS is BF, I don't exactly get out much, but have managed twice (DP looked after DS once).

DP is generally 'good' about coming back after work though he has had dinners/drinks with friends once or twice per week maybe, and is good with nappies. But again, as DS is BF, I am with him most of the time even when DP is at home. DP leaves the house at about 6.30am (he likes to have 'writing' time before work; a personal project) which I am fine with, and often has an afternoon or two at weekends as well.

Tonight, he is going for a drink with a friend. I was expecting him home by 10/10.30pm as he usually is (we didn't clarify this but that is what usually happens) but have just got a text saying:

"A quick heads-up - only just meeting X now in his office. Not my fault but my apologies, back later xxx"

There is something about the tone of this that just makes me want to scream. I feel he should have let me know earlier, or called, or something more than that shitty text. TBH it's probably more about me - DS is going through some sort of phase and apart from going swimming today has been a mardy little thing 90% of the time. I feel like I am very understanding of DP's need to have his own time, especially with his project (I no longer get this sort of time) and he is taking it for granted.

AIBU? I want to tell him off but am not sure what for, and would like him to be here to support me with DS who won't stop crying ... argh.

OP posts:

rookiemater · 01/04/2011 21:38

Surprisingly, and I do find myself thinking this more and more these days, I do have to say I agree with moondog.

I don't see much evidence of personal sacrifice on your DP's part if I'm honest.

moondog · 01/04/2011 21:39

What, you find yuorself agreeing with me, Rookie?
You know it makes sense, girl.

Sidge · 01/04/2011 21:40

I think it's quite sad that your DH seems to want to spend so little time with his son.

I know small babies can be incredibly boring, and he can't breastfeed him, but he hardly does anything by the sounds of it. If he works all day and is out of the house for 12+ hours he probably isn't doing much at all in terms of parenting, housework etc. I appreciate you are at home with the baby but that doesn't necessarily mean you should be doing everything at home.

It's not just about him being with his child, it's also (IMO) a snubbing to you, it's as if he is choosing to be anywhere but at home.

You sound far more tolerant than I would be, and I'm pretty laid back!

darleneconnor · 01/04/2011 21:40

I missread at first. I thought you'd said DP had been out once or twice in 7 weeks, not EVERY week! Flipping heck- THAT IS NOT being a good Dad or DP!!!

You are a virtual single parent.

The sacrifice to have your DS has to be equal. I'm sure there are plenty of things he could be doing around the house when you are BF.

I hope you're not doing his laundry...

Original poster

Mahraih · 01/04/2011 21:40

trixie123 - I have tried expressing, but it didn't go very well. We have supplemented formula so that can be done, but I feel bad about it.

I feel obligated to mention, now, that I AM having an evening off tomorrow night. I am going out for a colleague's birthday, but obviously back relatively early and won't really be drinking at all. Perhaps DP feels that he is allowed to stay away a lot later tonight, because of that, in return?

Moondog - it's not always twice a week; sometimes once. But yes, he does still see friends etc. I think that he thinks I also see people on occasion so I'm ok, but it is always with DS which is very different as the conversationg revolves around DS and there is always a nappy etc to worry about.

I will have a chat with DP tomorrow, not to accuse, but because I'm feeling isolated at the moment.

OP posts:

rookiemater · 01/04/2011 21:40

Well apart from the doorstep bit obviously

Original poster

Mahraih · 01/04/2011 21:44

MrsTerryPratchett - thanks for saying that, that's lovely :) I will give the library playtime a go next week.

darleneoconner - yes, I am doing his laundry ... because I'm at home all day and it makes sense?! We do share the rest of the cleaning.

Hmm. I wasn't aware of being a doormat TBH. I am normally quite a hardass.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mahraih · 01/04/2011 21:47

rookiemater - thanks, good list. I will try to implement this. I think I do feel hard done by, and am not sure that he does.

Moondog - ah yes, the 'personal project'. It's a novel and the thing is, he's been working on it for years and it's pretty much the only thing that makes him happy (apart from me and DS). If he can just get it done, I feel like things would be better and he'd be more ... fulfilled.

Daisysteiner - he is great in lots of ways! He's very kind and sweet, and funny, and loving. He's just not very practical.

OP posts:

Albrecht · 01/04/2011 21:49

I couldn't have coped with dh being 'off duty' this much when ds was 7 weeks. I would have been keeping an eye on the clock waiting for him to take over. Even if your ds is asleep right now, you are still the one listening out for him. Its important to get some time when its not your turn!

Fine if he needs time for his personal project but perhaps he needs to look at how he spends the rest of his time outside work. Its not forever just while ds is so small.

Even if you don't want to go out on your own yet you can still get a break. Loll around in bed and get dh to bring ds in when he needs feeding and then away again. Its lovely to get a chance to phone a friend or read if you don't want to sleep.

Re baby groups - I think it took me about 3 months to get the courage to go. Just pick a random woman and ask lots of questions about their baby, especially if its older than yours they will be delighted to give you the wealth of their experience!

trixie123 · 01/04/2011 21:51

please don't feel guilty about using formula - thats another thread entirely but really, don't. It means your DP can participate more in HIS son's life when there isn't much else to do except feed, change and cuddle him. Whatever this personal project is, it simply HAS to give way to some extent to the new and exciting project of parenthood. 22 is young compared to many first time mums you will encounter but please try to have the confidence to a) stand up for yourself with DP and b) join some more groups etc (though that doesn't sound like it is so much the issue here). Is your DP also in his 20s? Maybe he feels a bit out of step with his peers if so. Some places have special meeting opps for younger mums (try Sure Start).

iskra · 01/04/2011 21:54

mahraih, I felt like you about baby groups when I had DD. I was 24 & a grad student & felt out of place with all these 30 something mum on mat leave from important jobs. We matched in social class but not in life stage. Anyway, I persevered & it really doesn't matter a few years down the line, all my mum friends are 10 years older than me. Give it a bash.

DaisySteiner · 01/04/2011 21:59

Well, he needs to get practical then! And going out once/twice a week when your partner is stuck at home with a young baby has bugger all to do with not being 'practical', it's just selfish and thoughtless.

PeachesandStrawberry · 01/04/2011 22:08

Yes he needs to spend more time with you and your DS.

I would be asking him "when's my me time?"

Original poster

Mahraih · 01/04/2011 22:11

Yes Daisy, I know he does need to be more practical, I know.

Hopefully we'll have a constructive chat about it. I am also going to try and get out on my own every now and again, starting with tomorrow evening :)

Trixie123 oh god, let's not open the can of formula worms! DP is almost 27 and none of his friends have kids, so yes, he does feel out of sync.

He feels pressured into 'growing up', trapped in a lifestyle he finds boring (9-5 job, getting a house, etc) and bored with his life. Keeping DS was my decision and one he fought hard, so I think I sometimes just feel glad he stuck around. I need to be more assertive and let my feelings be known.

OP posts:

moondog · 01/04/2011 22:24

'Keeping DS was my decision and one he fought hard, so I think I sometimes just feel glad he stuck around.'

Bloody hell.
I fear for you, I really do.

Original poster

Mahraih · 01/04/2011 22:28

Moondog, can I ask why? DP never makes me feel bad about it, or uses it against me.

I do feel glad he stayed because this would be far more difficult without him. I just didn't realise until now that I actually let it affect how I respond to the amount of time he spends at home.

He's a very kind and loving person. I think he just doesn't understand what it's like being home alone with a baby all day.

OP posts:

moondog · 01/04/2011 22:31

I'm not responding anymore. I suspect this is some strange wind-up.

Original poster

Mahraih · 01/04/2011 22:34

Are you kidding? I promise you it isn't a wind-up. I'm not sure how I can convince you of that, but I'm a pretty regular poster.

I just thought your response was odd, in that you 'fear' for me, as if I'm in some kind of danger or something...

OP posts:

Albrecht · 01/04/2011 22:34

its normal they don't understand what its like. I bet you didn't til you had him either! You need to explain what its like and let him do everything for (quite) a few hours to get an idea of what it is like.

Point is, you did keep the baby and he decided to stay, so now he needs to do his fair share and also bond with his son.

wellwisher · 01/04/2011 22:34

DP really needs to spend time on his 'personal project'. It's very important to him and if he didn't have time to do it, he'd get very irritable and sad.

Diddums. You can only look after one baby at a time. Your DP needs to man up. He has done an excellent job of making you feel grateful to him for sticking around for HIS child.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 01/04/2011 22:35

Mahraih: I think you are letting this man take the piss because either he is reminding you every time you indicate that you would like a bit of time for yourself, that 'You wanted to keep the baby, you deal with it' - or you are scared that he will do so.
If he's been writing a novel for years then it's almost certainly unpublishable shite that will never be finished. Lots of people fancy themselves as writers and the majority of them are wrong...

Original poster

Mahraih · 01/04/2011 22:41

Albrecht - you are right, as is Springchicken - he doesn't remind me that I wanted to keep DS and he didn't, BUT I am scared that if I push him, maybe he will and that maybe, I will lose him.

He honestly never reminds me that it was all my decision, but I still feel the need to keep him happy, in case he abandons me and DS. I know that that's pathetic, I know it is ... and I can't continue this way because it isn't fair on myself.

I don't know how good/bad the novel is to be honest, I just want it finished so that he can move on, in whatever direction.

Thanks for everyone's posts, by the way. The majority have been very helpful and I think DP and I will have an honest talk about how we divide childcare. I'll also tell him how I feel about the situation, and my insecurities.

OP posts:

TheSecondComing · 01/04/2011 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madonnawhore · 01/04/2011 22:47

So he didn't want the baby when you were pregnant and it doesn't sound like he wants it now either.

It sounds like he's living a totally separate life from you; doing whatever he pleases while you do his laundry and all the shitwork around the house.

I agree with SGB that this novel project sounds like a load of self indulgent shite. Anyone can write a lot of words on a page. Only very few people can do it with any talent.

It does rather sound like you're being a doormat because deep down you know he resents having to stick around and as soon as things aren't 100% easy for him, he's going to bugger off.

Let him, I say. Sounds like there wouldn't be much difference anyway.

flyingspaghettimonster · 01/04/2011 22:54

dinner and drinks twice a week with a new baby? Wow, you are very generous! I don't think hubby or I left the house for an evening out without the baby for two years with number one... either together or alone. I would have gone mental if he wanted to be out twice a week when I needed him to help with baby...

YANBU.

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