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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think WTF is going on?

580 replies

ScaredWorriedAndAngry · 31/03/2011 22:35

We recently realised we may had been burgled my DH noticed weird notches and marks on our front door...so he called the police they came and confirmed that someone had definately been into our house and we suddenly realised why small but valuable items had started going missing over a period of about 5months ..3 phones a hand-bag, my husbands watch I brought him for our anniversary last year and probably other things we have not realised...things you might think you have misplaced or lost..anyway the police officer asked to look upstairs so my husband said ok...when she cam back down the stairs she said 'how many children did you say you had?' my DH answered 2 ..she then said well why is there just 1 bed/mattress upstairs?' my DH explained that we will be buying a futon for them and that we are just in the middle of things.

now for some back-ground...my DDs bless their cotton socks are home-wreckers...they had a lovely IKEA bed but they jumped all over it and smashed the slats beyond repair..they have also dug holes in the walls and pulled off their own room door when they made a 'swing' on the handle amongst other things..unfortunately my DH is not a DIY person a nor am I...we chucked out the bed bits and just had the made up mattress on the floor (which they think is bluddy marvellous and like a 'sleep-over'),we have a new bed that we brought originally when we brought the first bed..but decided not to put it up because they might end up breaking it again, we decided to buy a double futon so they can jump as much as they want till we have set up DD2's room...

We have lived in the house for quite a while but we are really struggling with decorating and many things have gone wrong with the property,mould, bolier broken, man half fitted the kitchen and ran off with the money..plus other personal stuff.. so yes it looks a bit of a state decoration wise and at the moment we just don't have the time money or energy to sort everything out and it's also very cluttered not dirty..just messy...and we also have alot of wine bottles in bags in the kitchen because I'm too lazy to walk round to the bottle bank often enough (more fool me)...so it looks a bit much when I look at it from someone elses perspective..maybe they think we are drunks or something?

Well after they left and I came home my DH mentioned what happened and said he thought she might say something..I said no way because our house is a bit messy and you explained about the matress etc etc...

2 weeks later the police return and we thought it was the discuss the break in..no..it turns out there we some concerns with our children and their living arrangements??, 2 officers from the youth crime reduction team are here?? they ask to come in the house is a bit wild because I'm doing washing..they said they have spoken to the school about us and our children and about the time off they have had etc...and last year my DDs caught quite a few colds ansd stomach bugs and the school policy is you must keep them off for at least 48 hrs so yes their attendance looks dodgy but not more so than other children..they asked us if there was food in the house??...we both work and have decent jobs but bills a mortgage and debts and I don't want to get into anymore debt..

so now a day later they are coming back again with another person...and I'm sure I saw them drive pass the house earlier...we asked for help from the police and now we feel like suspects for something we haven't done...am i overrating/paranoid?..is this normal practice?...am i in some kind of denial?..are we on a list?

I have been trying to hold this all in but I'm tearful/angry and worried and too ashamed to talk to anyone about whats happening...

sorry this is so long..

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 01/04/2011 15:13

re: the general food thing,the point is to demonstrate adequate nutrition,evidence of thought and spending upon child basic nutrition needs.nothing fancy just actual evidence a basic need is being thought about. nutrition is a basic minimum need.

Skinit · 01/04/2011 15:22

CrazyGrace....people have already ASKED all that you have just asked....yu should read the whole thread.

welshbyrd · 01/04/2011 15:50

Think the OP have been scared off her own thread, I hope Im wrong

Have not commented before, however, while I can see some reasons why police/SS would put 2+2 together
Its not for me to judge, I just hope everything went well today OP.

Waltons · 01/04/2011 15:57

I don't know about her having been scared off, but I think she would have been a pile of ashes on here if she had posted in advance of the visit. 200 X-posts all telling her to get off MN and get her house sorted ...

fastedwina · 01/04/2011 18:05

Op aside, does no-one's children share beds? My 2 did until recently - their choice - is it really so shocking?

grovel · 01/04/2011 18:08

It's not shocking at all.

howlonguntiltheweekend · 01/04/2011 18:19

I don't see it as shocking on it's own.

I think there are a few things in the Op which could indicate something more serious in some circumstances if dug deeper. The op sounds caring and I have a feeling that in this case it will come to nothing but in some it may.

The bed thing in my opinion does not equal neglect. That is if it is a bed made up with balnkets, sheets, duvets to be a comfy place to sleep. Clearly if it is a rotten soiled old mattress then I'd feel different!

wannaBe · 01/04/2011 18:40

but the key here is choice.

Some children choose to share a bed.

These children haven't been given a choice. - they have been made to share a bed. coupled with that their behavior has at some point clearly been so out of control that they have:

smashed one bed.

Swung on a door so much that it has come off its hinges.

Made holes in the walls of their bedroom.

And instead of facing the fact that her children are out of control the op has essentially laughed it off as being boisteress, and rather than dealing with the behavior has:

Made them share a bed (what happens if they break that one as well?)

Not replaced the door.

not done anything about the holes in the walls.

As well as that the op has admitted that the rest of the house is chaotic, a mess, and that the kitchen is full of bags of empty wine bottles which she in her own words was too lazy to get rid of.

I am frankly lost for words that there are people who think this is a perfectly acceptable way to bring up young children.

scottishmummy · 01/04/2011 18:59

im more shocked at the platitudes and aww poor you and sure you are a great mum etc.tbh none of us know that

but what is known is by op own admission things are in a terrible state,enough to warrant further visits

for sake of children i hope this satisfactorily resolves

TheSecondComing · 01/04/2011 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NinkyNonker · 01/04/2011 19:10

I've been mulling this over too, and ro be honest if the op has the time and money to buy and consume enough wine to fill bags lying around in the kitchen then then they obviously have both time and money to spare. This should have been used to tidy the house, do the DIY, keep it clean etc etc. If they chose not use their resources for this purpose it shows a lack of inclination, which is not deserving of sympathy. It is either lazy or shows a lack of independent living skills in my book, sorry.

It also reinforces my belief that adults ought to be able to do basic DIY so they can keep on top of their house.

plasticgeordieman · 01/04/2011 19:11

pmsl @ TheSecondComing....say it as it is girl Grin

Maryz · 01/04/2011 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Portofino · 01/04/2011 19:16

I am hoping the OP has taken the very strong message on board and is off trying to do something about it.

If you are still reading OP, your living conditions are NOT normal - even if you are renting and claiming benefits there is no excuse for living in total squalor. If things truly are as you describe, I would consider your children to be neglected. You are obviously not coping, so I would asking SS for all the assistance you can get to get things back on track.

I hope this will be a bit of a wake up call and you can turn everything around. Best wishes.

buttonmooncup · 01/04/2011 19:20

I've heard it all now - a shit parent because your kids share a bed, your house is a bit untidy, you're not up to date with your recycling and there are some decor issues.
Whilst it's not how I would choose to live show me one issue that is endangering the children?

Skinit · 01/04/2011 19:22

button....holes in the wall, no door to their room and no bed....plus a big old messy kitchen full of wine bottles. Not to mention poor attendance at school.

Hardly "a bit untidy" is it??

NinkyNonker · 01/04/2011 19:22

It isn't about danger, it is indicative of a chaotic, disorderly and unpleasant existence. Neglect isn't always danger.

CheerfulYank · 01/04/2011 19:24

'Cause that's helpful, TSC. Hmm

And she doesn't "obviously have broadband and a pc" . I've only had internet at my house in the past few weeks and I've been posting on MN for over 2 years.

TheSecondComing · 01/04/2011 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSecondComing · 01/04/2011 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buttonmooncup · 01/04/2011 19:26

Maryz - the OP has said that it is a short-term measure and that the girls are happy to share. I am choosing to take this at face value as I don't really see the point in commenting if you are going to disbelieve what the OP has written as if we are going down that route we don't know who anyone on here is and the OP could be a bored teenager who has made the whole thing up!

Portofino - I doubt the OP is renting or her landlord would have to sort the problems with the house.

activate · 01/04/2011 19:26

I am delighted to see the police and social services acting appropriately

I hope you act on the excellent advice you have received from posters like Lesley

Maryz · 01/04/2011 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CuntessentialShadows · 01/04/2011 19:28

You really had no idea that this is no way to live, and let your children live, when you rang the police and invited them into your home? Shock

It is good, you know, let this be an eyeopener to you, hopefully you can turn the situation around and get your life sorted, and stop your children living in a tip.

buttonmooncup · 01/04/2011 19:34

tsc - what basic needs aren't being met? I don't consider a collection of wine bottles for recycling which have been collected over a long period tonnes of booze all over the place (and that is coming from someone who doesn't drink) and the kids do have somewhere to sleep but are sharing - have you read any of the thread?
Like it or not SS will be looking for actual abuse - they prefer to keep families together where possible and certainly would not remove the children if all is as described in the OP.