AIBU to think WTF is going on?

[ScaredWorriedAndAngry]

We recently realised we may had been burgled my DH noticed weird notches and marks on our front door...so he called the police they came and confirmed that someone had definately been into our house and we suddenly realised why small but valuable items had started going missing over a period of about 5months ..3 phones a hand-bag, my husbands watch I brought him for our anniversary last year and probably other things we have not realised...things you might think you have misplaced or lost..anyway the police officer asked to look upstairs so my husband said ok...when she cam back down the stairs she said 'how many children did you say you had?' my DH answered 2 ..she then said well why is there just 1 bed/mattress upstairs?' my DH explained that we will be buying a futon for them and that we are just in the middle of things.

now for some back-ground...my DDs bless their cotton socks are home-wreckers...they had a lovely IKEA bed but they jumped all over it and smashed the slats beyond repair..they have also dug holes in the walls and pulled off their own room door when they made a 'swing' on the handle amongst other things..unfortunately my DH is not a DIY person a nor am I...we chucked out the bed bits and just had the made up mattress on the floor (which they think is bluddy marvellous and like a 'sleep-over'),we have a new bed that we brought originally when we brought the first bed..but decided not to put it up because they might end up breaking it again, we decided to buy a double futon so they can jump as much as they want till we have set up DD2's room...

We have lived in the house for quite a while but we are really struggling with decorating and many things have gone wrong with the property,mould, bolier broken, man half fitted the kitchen and ran off with the money..plus other personal stuff.. so yes it looks a bit of a state decoration wise and at the moment we just don't have the time money or energy to sort everything out and it's also very cluttered not dirty..just messy...and we also have alot of wine bottles in bags in the kitchen because I'm too lazy to walk round to the bottle bank often enough (more fool me)...so it looks a bit much when I look at it from someone elses perspective..maybe they think we are drunks or something?

Well after they left and I came home my DH mentioned what happened and said he thought she might say something..I said no way because our house is a bit messy and you explained about the matress etc etc...

2 weeks later the police return and we thought it was the discuss the break in..no..it turns out there we some concerns with our children and their living arrangements??, 2 officers from the youth crime reduction team are here?? they ask to come in the house is a bit wild because I'm doing washing..they said they have spoken to the school about us and our children and about the time off they have had etc...and last year my DDs caught quite a few colds ansd stomach bugs and the school policy is you must keep them off for at least 48 hrs so yes their attendance looks dodgy but not more so than other children..they asked us if there was food in the house??...we both work and have decent jobs but bills a mortgage and debts and I don't want to get into anymore debt..

so now a day later they are coming back again with another person...and I'm sure I saw them drive pass the house earlier...we asked for help from the police and now we feel like suspects for something we haven't done...am i overrating/paranoid?..is this normal practice?...am i in some kind of denial?..are we on a list?

I have been trying to hold this all in but I'm tearful/angry and worried and too ashamed to talk to anyone about whats happening...

sorry this is so long..

Sorry Buttonmooncup but imho she was rightly told off by posters on here. I was very surpised that more people hadn't told her to wake up to herself. What she described in her OP was a neglectful situation. There were lots of excuses but those poor kids, if the story is true, are being neglected. I also believe she has a drink problem because why are there only bags and bags of wine bottles, what about glass food jars for example?

No I'm not racist, I'm half black which is why I was a bit at the 'it's coz we're an ethnic family' bit as most non-white people are only called 'ethnics' by racists, they wouldn't describe themselves that way.

The police seem to have forgotten about the original crime and who doesn't notice 3 phones going missing in their own home?

The OP said she's ordered a futon then came back and said she'd bought a bunk-bed?

Why are youth crime teams involved if the issue was to do with a break-in and the state of their house? Maybe I've missed stuff but I pretty much read the whole thing and it doesn't all make sense.

If the story is true there are no excuses for kids having to live like that. It has nothing to do with poverty, working long hours or race, its low hygiene standards and laziness.

Wannabe, I had a horrid chill when I saw all those dots. Not the sort of point she would normally make though?

It is not all that strange for this to have the youth crime prevention officers involved. The whole purpose of that initiative is to identify children who might be at risk of offending due to problems with their home life, school attendance, peer groups etc.

It seems likely that the school has been spoken to and has said their attendance isn't great, and that the OP's explanation for the state of the bedroom, as well as the wine bottles, has rung some alarm bells. One of the things that this initiative offers is parenting support and, if necessary, they can seek court orders to force parents to take certain action.

I have to agree that the comment about being an "ethnic family" surprised me a little. That does seem as though the OP is trying to suggest that there has been an over-reaction based on racist ideas. I don't see that this can be the case when, given what has been described, you would have to assume that the same process would have been triggered whether they family were black, white, asian or eskimo!

"would it not be fair to say that there is a focus on crime prevention amongst black youths in the London area? Particularly to combat gang culture? "

OP's situation is nothing to do with gang culture from what she has described. I knew kids who were in gangs at school in inner London where I still live. It is not like that.

And they wouldn't be focussing on that sort of issue given the ages of the children. The youth crime prevention initiative is much more general and intended to identify risk factors.

stillfrazzled no, the point would ordinarily have been an opposing one but perhaps it's writing style is a tad too obvious and so it thought it might go undetected this way?

I too think that the OP has changed A LOT since the first post. Who do you think it is really wannabe ?

You could argue that in the original OP, she was in a panic and looking for help and advice. When, in the event, nothing sinister happened, she has gone on the defensive and is now making more excuses for herself. I have no clue why the "race" thing came up though. It just doesn't seem relevant. And what about the burglaries.....?

"racism wasn't eradicated in the 90's."

If you are referring to my comment earlier, I didn't say it was. My family know better than most that it is nowhere near eradicated and that racism is as persistent now as it ever has been. But my point is that from what OP has said about her home, I doubt her ethnicity is the main reason she is being monitored by these organisations and there was no need to mention her ethnicity. It is not the main factor here.

I do not understand how so many can think her house is not an indicator of something wrong. It is not normal to have bags of wine bottles lying around and I have (until recently getting pregnant) been a student for the last three years and living in student house share's where everyone gets pissed regularly. If the OP had one or two of the issues which she had outlined wrong with her house, I would have been inclined to agree that it was being blown out of proportion by the authorities. But as someone who has actually known ALOT of children in care for instance, I would say that the police saw something they felt necessary to report. Usually the authorities do not want to get involved unless they geuinely think there is a risk as the funding and man power is limited, they have a stack load of other cases to deal with, and sometimes just general laziness on their part. If they have felt the need to visit, it is prob for a good reason, especially if it was the police who felt the need to report it.

As Kungfupanda has stated, the Youth Crime Prevention team does not mean her children are in gangs or whatever. They were probably more worried about her children's home life and upbringing leading them to commit anti social behaviour later on.

So with all the problems with the children's bedroom, plus "We have lived in the house for quite a while but we are really struggling with decorating and many things have gone wrong with the property,mould, bolier broken, man half fitted the kitchen and ran off with the money" (which means no heating or hot water I assume????) leads me to think something is wrong here.

I have known a couple of people who's parent's had an alcohol abuse problem in the past, and I wouldn't be surprised if that was the problem here.

I smell summat fishy I think elvis is working in the chip shop again!

op keep focussed upon maintaining a safe appropriate environment,take any help/support offered. have a long hard think about how exactly you got into this chaotic situation,and what you will do to prevent it recurring again.are there any other underlying issues that are impacting?is your mental/physical health ok

what is role of your partner in all this?i hope he is supportive

you both need to perhaps work out a rota and a cleaning schedule, and do grade tasks appropriate to age so kids can help too.this makes it more participative and gets them in good habit of being responsible

get on top of school attendance and try establish a rapport with their teachers

regular,steady routine to keep on top of stuff will really pay off

The drinking could explain the lack of energy during the day and aggressiveness in evening posts. Sorry if this is not the case OP. If it is the reason then get some help.

have a think about why you're drinking op
is it to relieve stress/anxiety?
Distract from something else?
Habit or compulsion?
if you had to stop drinking- could you?would you

i think you have received fair overall balanced feedback on the thread

some misplaced apologists and "there there poor you" and "sure you're a great mam" type comments

but you know what, your op was alarming and chaotic. however as you say you have had a shock and wake up call

do maintain progress and accept any support

If all is as described in the OP though the kids are in no way being harmed ie if the kids genuinely do enjoy co-sleeping etc. SS have got far more important cases to deal with than people with crappy decor who don't keep on top of their recycling. Most things that come in glass jars last months such as pickles and jams etc - if as the OP says she cooks from scratch she won't have jars of uncle bens etc so could probably amass quite a few wine bottles and nothing else even drinking moderately.
I love the way that the OPs description of the house as clean but cluttered gets turned into that she's living in filth etc. She said she was washing at the first visit so the place was a mess - I read that to mean ironing board out, piles of clothes being sorted, stuff on radiators etc.
We don't know what the situation is like we can only go on what has been said but a lot of people have decided to embellish what has been written and make judgements based on what they assume is going on. Which I think is unfair.

Where has the OP said she has a drink problem? A couple of carrier bags of wine bottles could be from a party or anything.

no one can make a definitive statement that someone else kids arent being harmed. none of us know the reality of life behind closed doors for most kids,not our neighbours not the op

and the op dis describe filth and choas and was rightly challenged on it.not sure why you seek to minimise it so button or get annoyed any else took issue with op

buttonmoon the OP herself said that if she were an outsider she could see that she might assume she was an alcoholic.

"so it looks a bit much when I look at it from someone elses perspective..maybe they think we are drunks or something?"

And she may say clean but cluttered, but clutter is not no hot water or heating, children with no beds, an empty fridge and wine bottles in bags. Thats is not clutter, that is a possible indicator of neglect for instance.

I'm pissed off cos I've read the whole thread and people keep saying that the OP lives in filth, the kids have no food, no bedding, no hot water etc (the bolier being broken doesn't mean they have no hot water). Nowhere has the OP said any of these things.

i stopped reading when the race card came out

She did say it was mouldy, which isn't particularly pleasant or healthy.

Wonder if I'm the only one thinking that those empty wine bottles were being added to last night

I expect so, it was Mothers Day after all.
I had some excellent red

This whole thing upsets me and the bags and bags of only wine bottles and no other type of recycling lead me to suggest that drink is a factor here, that and the change in tone of the posts.

I had a work friend who drank heavily (bottles of wine a night) but tried to convince herself it was at a normal level, that everyone was drinking that much. SS eventually took her DD away, she couldn't hold down a job and lost her home. Even then she could still put on a relatively good show of being sober but you could always detect the glazed eyes. My friend died 2 years ago from chocking on her own vomit after passing out. She was in denial to the very end about how much she drank. Unless you've had a party there should not be bags and bags of wine bottles in your home.

I think the OP is in denial. I mean she claims not to have seen her house in daylight for 5 months? This is the kind of BS my work friend would come out with to explain why she couldn't come to work etc or when some other type of 'disaster' happened. There was always a good excuse for the state her life was in but she wouldn't hear it if you mentioned that knocking back 3 bottles of Merlot may have something to do with it...

I still don't get the idea of "clean but cluttered". You can't really clean a cluttered surface because the word clutter assumes that there is no other place for the stuff to go. I have a pile of paperwork in a tray in the kitchen and DS has four toy-boxes. They can be moved.

You can move clean washing away to the respective rooms, drawers and wardrobes and put kitchen utensils and small appliances in cupboards. You can invest in toy boxes for young DC and little ones for older ones for trinkets and all the crap they tend to accumulate. You can also go through it all every few weeks and believe me they do not notice when tat goes "missing". You can limit the amount of said tat which makes it into the house. With DD's the potential is enormous

A place for everything and everything in its place (Can't believe I typed that - I am my grandmother!) If you haven't used or worn in in the last year then it gets recycled. I am only forty but my parents are desperate hoarders because they have a big house but I have had to abide by that rule because I didn't have a spare room, shed or garage until very recently and have moved house five times since I had DD.

Needs must.

There I go again, please direct me to Gimmernet

I completely understand why the OPs attitude has changed towards the end of the thread

Her post says "it was the bed situation, and the forgetful recycling situation which sent alarm bells ringing, Not the cluttered house"

OP has quite clearly stated "..we asked about if we were on a list and they laughed and said no we just want to make sure we can give you any help."

The services who were involved are more than happy with the OPs explanation for the situation, and OP took some support offered to her, offered to her, not a compulsory measure

If the child services are happy thinking the DCs are safe at home, then what gives any MNers the right to disagree?

She has been assessed by the officials, why is that not good enough for you?