AIBU to think WTF is going on?

[ScaredWorriedAndAngry]

We recently realised we may had been burgled my DH noticed weird notches and marks on our front door...so he called the police they came and confirmed that someone had definately been into our house and we suddenly realised why small but valuable items had started going missing over a period of about 5months ..3 phones a hand-bag, my husbands watch I brought him for our anniversary last year and probably other things we have not realised...things you might think you have misplaced or lost..anyway the police officer asked to look upstairs so my husband said ok...when she cam back down the stairs she said 'how many children did you say you had?' my DH answered 2 ..she then said well why is there just 1 bed/mattress upstairs?' my DH explained that we will be buying a futon for them and that we are just in the middle of things.

now for some back-ground...my DDs bless their cotton socks are home-wreckers...they had a lovely IKEA bed but they jumped all over it and smashed the slats beyond repair..they have also dug holes in the walls and pulled off their own room door when they made a 'swing' on the handle amongst other things..unfortunately my DH is not a DIY person a nor am I...we chucked out the bed bits and just had the made up mattress on the floor (which they think is bluddy marvellous and like a 'sleep-over'),we have a new bed that we brought originally when we brought the first bed..but decided not to put it up because they might end up breaking it again, we decided to buy a double futon so they can jump as much as they want till we have set up DD2's room...

We have lived in the house for quite a while but we are really struggling with decorating and many things have gone wrong with the property,mould, bolier broken, man half fitted the kitchen and ran off with the money..plus other personal stuff.. so yes it looks a bit of a state decoration wise and at the moment we just don't have the time money or energy to sort everything out and it's also very cluttered not dirty..just messy...and we also have alot of wine bottles in bags in the kitchen because I'm too lazy to walk round to the bottle bank often enough (more fool me)...so it looks a bit much when I look at it from someone elses perspective..maybe they think we are drunks or something?

Well after they left and I came home my DH mentioned what happened and said he thought she might say something..I said no way because our house is a bit messy and you explained about the matress etc etc...

2 weeks later the police return and we thought it was the discuss the break in..no..it turns out there we some concerns with our children and their living arrangements??, 2 officers from the youth crime reduction team are here?? they ask to come in the house is a bit wild because I'm doing washing..they said they have spoken to the school about us and our children and about the time off they have had etc...and last year my DDs caught quite a few colds ansd stomach bugs and the school policy is you must keep them off for at least 48 hrs so yes their attendance looks dodgy but not more so than other children..they asked us if there was food in the house??...we both work and have decent jobs but bills a mortgage and debts and I don't want to get into anymore debt..

so now a day later they are coming back again with another person...and I'm sure I saw them drive pass the house earlier...we asked for help from the police and now we feel like suspects for something we haven't done...am i overrating/paranoid?..is this normal practice?...am i in some kind of denial?..are we on a list?

I have been trying to hold this all in but I'm tearful/angry and worried and too ashamed to talk to anyone about whats happening...

sorry this is so long..

I did not play any card...I was honest and said perhaps because I was an ethnic family this is something that would interest a youth crime reduction team..sorry..because in real fucking life ..children from ethinic minorities are not killing each other??...it was not about a race card..but about accepting why someone would take special care with a family..but no...it was a race card..do you lot know how weird you lot are acting?...

I really am perplexed by what you all actually understand as the race card..do you know what it means?...do you know that it doesn't really exist..then race-card and racism are different things?...that they don't cancel each other out?...do you know what racism is about?

the fact someone mentions their race does not mean they are using their race to their advantage? or to make a statement...to speak about ones race and history is natural..as natural as someone who is Scottish or Irish or Welsh..

Why is that different because you are black,asian,white or yellow with pink spots?..you amy not judge others..but that does not mean they do not judge you...

OP I am West African and an ethnic minority in this country as is my entire family and my DP's family. I talk about my culture and ethnicity on MN frequently as I do find there are times when it is very relevant or apt. Memebrs of MN do not get wound up about it like they have here because your race was irrelevant in this situation. If it was still the 90's then I would have said there may be some weight to your theory, but not in this day and age where there is more acceptance that issues that require SS's involvement in families happen with all ethnic groups in this country including white British people.

As a West African and member of the African/ Carribbean community, can I just say that I had an issue with your situation from the beginning of this thread and TBH thought there was a very good reason for SS to have been called to your house. It sound's to me like you have genuine issues in your household and are making excuses for them. The majority of people have been very supportive on here and I certainly thought you have been talking out your backside and making excuses (though I did not say it like that to begin with).

There was no reason for you to mention race here and I am not surprised people have reacted like this. It is when members of our community make claims like yours that genuine claims of racial descrimination become discredited and I find it infuriating to say the least. Your house sounds like an unmaintained mess and I don't think SS or whoever visited you were thinking about your ethnicity when they saw your kids were sleeping on the floor. I know very poor families with single parent's who work full time who manage to maintain a descent household even with very active children running around.

"children from ethinic minorities are not killing each other??"

And the quotation I have taken from one of your posts above is the most infuriating so far. It show's your ignorance of your own community and is disgraceful. Get an education is all I can say to that as I am too fuming to write much more.

Hear hear!! I am white and married someone black. I can't tell you how many times we have been stopped in our car, endless times, how often we are checked out by this authority and that authority, how often my kids come under suspicion wherever they go, because of how they look. When they open their mouths and speak with their posh accents the police etc practically genuflect (sp) (aha! maybe the class card needs an airing too?? Laugh.Out.Loud). When I am driving on my own I am not and never have been stopped once, no-one looks at me askance when I am alone, without my family, no-one says to me "oh! I didn't think you would be the type to marry a black man". Racism is alive and well in this country, which non-whites are all too aware of (you wouldn't know if you were white with a white family, you'd think we're all integrated and everybody's equal. LAUGH.OUT.LOUD).

SS has not been involved...

If you think you are being treated differently by the police or SS because of your race you really do need to make a complaint. That should not happen, but of course does sometimes and so needs to be dealt with.

Look, from what you have posted it does sound like you need a bit of support and it is good that you have accepted their offer. All of the things you have mentioned are no biggies in isolation, but put them all together and it is a bit of a disaster.

Good luck, I hope you get it together.

LDN that is your opinion..and the fact I mentioned my race has become an issue why?..I have now descredited racism and what it stands for?..strange..I mentioned my race it as a reason they took special care with my family..but obviously to you and others this is not possible?..and for the record my children were not sleeping on the floor...my family was not indecent with active children cart-wheeling all over the place...don't fume write more and tell me where I'm wrong

Thanks Morloth I really don't think I am being treated very differently, but a suggestion that that may make people take special care...and I agree from the outside it may indidcate problems...

I'm glad it went well and that you are sorting it out.

Good luck to you and your family. :)

"and the fact I mentioned my race has become an issue why?..I have now descredited racism and what it stands for?"

Yes OP because you description of your situation alone show's why whoever it was who came to visit you actually made the trip. Your ethnicity may have a slight bearing on this but with a house like yours, I doubt it was a main contributing factor and your ethnic minority status need not have been mentioned as it is not the main issue here at all.

There are holes in the walls of your childrens room and their door is broken off the hinges. There are piles of wine bottles in the kitchen and no food in the house while your kids are sharing a mattress on the floor .......

... Actually OP maybe you are right, maybe your ethnicity has something to do with this and it is not the fact that it appears that your children are either left to run wild with no supervision or boundaries or that you are getting drunk and neglecting them and your household....

If your house wasn't in this state, then I might have been inclined to think you had a point. But as it stands, your house from your description alone sounds like you have left it to go to &%$£ while you have children living there.

That is how you discredit the rest of us who bring up issues of racial descrimination, by associating it to a situation where it is nowhere near the main factor.

Yes it does happen, it is very common as Springydaffs has outlined above. But in your case it is hardly the main issue now is it.

Got a bit carried away there, sorry . Just do know, from my considerable experience, that your conclusion OP could well be correct - it may not be, but it may be too. However, I think you were naive to post that point on your thread (particularly considering the ruckus that proceded it!!) as people just do NOT want to face that the race issue hasn't been fully dealt with, that it is still rumbling (growling sometimes) along, and will hotly deny it. It's a sore point, for all concerned, though tbh I think those on the end of it see racism/racial discrimination as workaday a lot of the time and glide over it, accept that it is a sad fact but keep quiet. It's not as bad as it used to be - we're not spat at these days - but it hasn't been fully dealt with imo.

As I've said before though (sorry to repeat but hey I'm going to) I really don't think holes in walls, cartwheeling children indoors, stacked up wine bottles suggest there is necessarily a problem at ALL.

Certainly not denying race is still an issue in this country, but this is why I think it isn't a factor here: I had assumed, without actually thinking about it overtly, that OP was white. And I thought that visit sounded v necessary.

Have lurked on this thread but from what I read, the OP was suggesting that the Youth Justice team MIGHT have been involved because of her race. Not that the reason that they were concerned about her living arrangments was about her race. I am a teuchter from the cold north so not my area of expertise but would it not be fair to say that there is a focus on crime prevention amongst black youths in the London area? Particularly to combat gang culture?
Having read the thread, I really do not think the OP has played the "race" or "racist" card and you lot are really jumping down her throat for what was probably a fairly throwaway comment.

I have read every post in this thread.

There is NO excuse for your children to be sleeping on the floor. I suspect you don't sleep on the floor yourself. If you don't respect your children enough to give them a bed, then they won't respect any value to property at home.

The only positive thing to come out of this status is that it shows the situation was picked up by the police and acted upon.

We both work full time, more than full time but my daughter comes before anything. If you had to break your back to remove the wine bottles there must have been at least 20....at 5 quid each thats 100 quid right there....how can you spend money on booze while your children sleep on the floor???

I don't care about the colour of your skin, I only care that your children live in sub conditions and the only time you even consider doing anything about it is when you have been caught out.

If you have the time and money to drink, you have the time and money to sort it out. I don't care that I judge you, but you really need to judge yourself instead of making excuses. If your children are still sleeping on the floor now then you are a disgrace, you really are and you need to realise it for the sake of your children!

A teuchter psychoveggie? It sounds like you come from my neck of the woods!

OP, I was pretty horrified when I read about your circumstances but am glad you are getting help. It does sound like you need a good deal of support.

FWIW I don't think you played the 'race' card.

RelievedThoughtfulandGrateful Been following this thread since you first posted. Glad to hear everything has turned out well for you and your family!

I think you are probably right, the police did send the youth offending team because of your ethnicity. As far as I know, the police have a number of projects to help keep young black people away from gangs, it would make sense that might think they could help you better than what can often be the one size fits all approach of SS.

Hope life improves for you and yours! Good luck.

And to the naysayers - the OP is right about young black men killing each other, it's a big problem in some areas. A friend of my son (now aged 18) moved to London (from a backwater of the north) a few years ago, and within less than a year had become involved in a gang and is now in prison for a pretty serious offence. He comes from a lovely, caring family (with a very tidy home), and was one of the last people you'd have expected to end up this way. However, sadly it does happen.

For about the millionth time the OP was not starving her DC. Read the fucking thread. She was cooking a meal during one of the police visits.

And there may well have been some racism among the police officers. Police are human beings and all the diversity training in the world won't get rid of all their assumptions and prejudices.
SOmething else worth noting on this thread is how inherent sexism is WRT The Politics Of Housework. I think the OP is being judged on not giving a stuff about housework in a way a man would not be - because society is built on the concept of women being the ones who are responsible for all the domestic shitwork, a lack of interest in housework is seen as a moral failing in a woman.

I have to agree with psychoveggie and Jobettany OP did not play the race card.
AS pyschoveggie stated,
" would it not be fair to say that there is a focus on crime prevention amongst black youths in the London area? Particularly to combat gang culture? "
While Im not in area that has this gang related problems, im well aware, that there are areas in UK, that have these problems.

All the poster stating "the OP house being, dirty, mouldy, stinking etc", where in any of the OP post has she said this, ive read and reread her posts, she said ""?..my house is clean..but cluttered"
Holes in the walls, allegedly done by her 2 horrid/out of control DDs, were as OP clearly states "mainly done whilst scrapping wallpaper of walls"

As for suggestions there was no food in her home, bullshit again, OP did not say there was no food in her home, infact she said
"The reason I was shocked by the food question was because I was actually cooking a home-made lasagne (sp) at the time and we had just been shopping, some of the bags were still at the door.."

OP clearly states what the concerns were "the concerns were the bottles and the mattress on the ground...they explained they just wanted to support my family and that they were not worried about the children being abused".

Op clearly states she can see why the officers had found the visit alarming
"when I thought about what the original officer had seen I would have been concerned myself...my DDs had moved the bed infront of the door..with just a sheet on...the quilt and pillows were actually in their wardrobe they were practicing cart-wheels and didn't put the bed back when they went to school, then you see alcohol bottles??? ...not good, I can understand..also when you live in a particular situation you can't see how bad it can be when seen from the outside..."

She has made the right arrangements regarding the DDs sleeping arrangements, while they will take some time to be delivered etc.

OP I think its fantastic your DDs are allowed to do gymnastics in their bedrooms, Ive know abusive families house to be so immaculate, that children are not even allowed a small toy out of their toy boxes to play with.

OP good luck in the future, I hope things, get back to normal, and you become more aware of how people can put 2+2 together and make 5

sorry for poor typos, had a bad night with baby, so have matches holding my eye lids open

Sorry I'm not Columbo but there are things that just don't add up with this story. The OP tone at the end of the thread sounds very different from the start and I have never in my life heard an ethnic minority family be it, black, asian or whatever descibe themselves as an 'ethnic family'.

I also cannot believe that you didn't realise your house was a tip and what about the original crime, what happened with that? Seems to have been forgotten about.

you know what, the op's posting style towards the end of this thread is awfully familliar.

Of course the OPs tone has changed from the beginning to the end - she has been completely torn to shreds and called a shit mum on the basis of very little information. And I wouldn't be remotely surprised if the OP's ethnicity had some bearing on her situation - sad but true - racism wasn't eradicated in the 90's.