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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think WTF is going on?

580 replies

ScaredWorriedAndAngry · 31/03/2011 22:35

We recently realised we may had been burgled my DH noticed weird notches and marks on our front door...so he called the police they came and confirmed that someone had definately been into our house and we suddenly realised why small but valuable items had started going missing over a period of about 5months ..3 phones a hand-bag, my husbands watch I brought him for our anniversary last year and probably other things we have not realised...things you might think you have misplaced or lost..anyway the police officer asked to look upstairs so my husband said ok...when she cam back down the stairs she said 'how many children did you say you had?' my DH answered 2 ..she then said well why is there just 1 bed/mattress upstairs?' my DH explained that we will be buying a futon for them and that we are just in the middle of things.

now for some back-ground...my DDs bless their cotton socks are home-wreckers...they had a lovely IKEA bed but they jumped all over it and smashed the slats beyond repair..they have also dug holes in the walls and pulled off their own room door when they made a 'swing' on the handle amongst other things..unfortunately my DH is not a DIY person a nor am I...we chucked out the bed bits and just had the made up mattress on the floor (which they think is bluddy marvellous and like a 'sleep-over'),we have a new bed that we brought originally when we brought the first bed..but decided not to put it up because they might end up breaking it again, we decided to buy a double futon so they can jump as much as they want till we have set up DD2's room...

We have lived in the house for quite a while but we are really struggling with decorating and many things have gone wrong with the property,mould, bolier broken, man half fitted the kitchen and ran off with the money..plus other personal stuff.. so yes it looks a bit of a state decoration wise and at the moment we just don't have the time money or energy to sort everything out and it's also very cluttered not dirty..just messy...and we also have alot of wine bottles in bags in the kitchen because I'm too lazy to walk round to the bottle bank often enough (more fool me)...so it looks a bit much when I look at it from someone elses perspective..maybe they think we are drunks or something?

Well after they left and I came home my DH mentioned what happened and said he thought she might say something..I said no way because our house is a bit messy and you explained about the matress etc etc...

2 weeks later the police return and we thought it was the discuss the break in..no..it turns out there we some concerns with our children and their living arrangements??, 2 officers from the youth crime reduction team are here?? they ask to come in the house is a bit wild because I'm doing washing..they said they have spoken to the school about us and our children and about the time off they have had etc...and last year my DDs caught quite a few colds ansd stomach bugs and the school policy is you must keep them off for at least 48 hrs so yes their attendance looks dodgy but not more so than other children..they asked us if there was food in the house??...we both work and have decent jobs but bills a mortgage and debts and I don't want to get into anymore debt..

so now a day later they are coming back again with another person...and I'm sure I saw them drive pass the house earlier...we asked for help from the police and now we feel like suspects for something we haven't done...am i overrating/paranoid?..is this normal practice?...am i in some kind of denial?..are we on a list?

I have been trying to hold this all in but I'm tearful/angry and worried and too ashamed to talk to anyone about whats happening...

sorry this is so long..

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 03/04/2011 20:04

frankly id rather op prioritised immediate home environment than rattle tattle on mn

welshbyrd · 03/04/2011 21:14

scottishmummy - where in my post did I ask OP to prioritise "rattle tattle on mn" over her immediate home environment?

scottishmummy · 03/04/2011 21:19

i think you are a bitty over rattled yourself.im not making a searing précis i am stating the obvious that rl matters more than a mn update.

RelievedThoughtfulandGrateful · 03/04/2011 23:39

Hi Everyone,
We had the visit on Friday, and it was not what I expected..the person that visited originally was not a police officer, the person he brought with him was actually his superior who was a police officer with the youth crime reduction team..he wanted him to meet us and check what was going on...( he was quite new to the position and wanted to make sure everyhting was ok)...they were both very honest and understanding..the concerns were the bottles and the mattress on the ground...they explained they just wanted to support my family and that they were not worried about the children being abused.

when I thought about what the original officer had seen I would have been concerned myself...my DDs had moved the bed infront of the door..with just a sheet on...the quilt and pillows were actually in their wardrobe they were practicing cart-wheels and didn't put the bed back when they went to school, then you see alcohol bottles??? ...not good, I can understand..also when you live in a particular situation you can't see how bad it can be when seen from the outside...

I spoke to the police officer and I was honest about my financial situation and that the wine bottles were mine, and that this was not their original sleeping arrangements, they actually had no issues with co-sleeping, more with the fact they were sleeping on a matress on the floor..I showed him the new bed we had and explained what we were going to do etc...they saw the made up bed and I explained we have ordered the new bunk-beds etc..

Its was all about support...they asked us if we would like to be referred to the Parental Support Worker and we said yes...and at anytime we could stop contact but its someone to talk to and has contacts with other agencies who could help us..we asked about if we were on a list and they laughed and said no we just want to make sure we can't give you any help.

I am actually quite thankful this has happened in a strange way...it has made us both appreciate and think deeply about our home and how much we adore our children...

RelievedThoughtfulandGrateful · 03/04/2011 23:44

The reason I was shocked by the food question was because I was actually cooking a home-made lasagne (sp) at the time and we had just been shopping, some of the bags were still at the door...

TheSecondComing · 03/04/2011 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 03/04/2011 23:46

good you feel able to accept staff feedback and reflect upon how it did look to external others. yes do accept any help and support

overall v encouraging,that this has prompted you to have a think and most importantly take action. you do need to have a think about how to maintain any progress made
think about your health needs (mental and physical)

CaptainKirksNipples · 03/04/2011 23:46
Hmm
everthebeliver · 03/04/2011 23:56

OP, believe it or not people have been very worried about you. Me Personally have kept checking in to see if you had replied. I am so pleased it has all turned out well. The very best of luck for the future. Take care xxxxxxx

squeakytoy · 04/04/2011 00:01

Thanks for coming back to update Op. :)

You may want to steer your daughters into the garden and tell them that is the place to practice gymnastics, not the bedroom, then you dont find yourself with more holes and broken beds in the near future Wink

RelievedThoughtfulandGrateful · 04/04/2011 00:07

Thankyou ever I really appreciate your concern..I love the support I have been given by the wonderful ladies who are part of MN xxxxxx

everthebeliver · 04/04/2011 00:10

Take care and look after yourself and your family. Now for me it is to bed :). xx

RelievedThoughtfulandGrateful · 04/04/2011 00:11

LOL..squeaky will do.....I have spoken to them about it ...I am thinking about a dance class to get rid of some of that energy!!

The police officer was very understanding when I explained fully about the holes in the walls..most of them were actually made because we tried to remove wallpaper and plaster came with it..then the girls picked at it..my fault for not explaining everything ...

DuelingFanjo · 04/04/2011 00:12

Thanks for the update. I was talking to my mum (retired social worker) today about this thread and she said that it is not unusual for the police to report concerns about a family's living conditions but in her experience the police often don't know what is really bad compared to just a bit chaotic - they are often over cautious. She said that also there are lots of parents who really are unaware that their houses are health hazards and they do need the support of SS.

When I was little, before my mum qualified, we lived in a couple of houses without a toilet and which were very run-down. Possibly, had SS known about us, we may have had the same support offered to us. my mum often says she felt like she let us down badly as kids but although we didn't have 'stuff' I didn't have a terrible and abusive childhood at all.

FudgeGirl · 04/04/2011 00:12

OP, please go beyond "thinking deeply" - please do something about the state of your home, your drinking, your daughters' sleeping arrangements.

I am still wondering why it was youth crime reduction who came to see you, but maybe there are more things going on here than you've mentioned.

Good luck.

everthebeliver · 04/04/2011 00:17

Fudge, why not be pleased for the OP and say good luck, take care rather than still post negative thoughts... Just a thought. Sometimes if you keep knocking someones confidence with negative thoughts they end up feeling negative. This post has ended in a positive way.

FudgeGirl · 04/04/2011 00:19

everthebeliver - because I'm worried about those kids and I think it's important that this visit isn't just forgotten.

RelievedThoughtfulandGrateful · 04/04/2011 00:20

I am Fudge...but seriously it's cosmetic...I have ordered the bed they explained that although it seems strange to visit us ..its something they do in our area..and I appreciate it, I think it's compounded because we are an ethnic family...better safe than sorry..nothing else to add...I'm honest..it may help another MNer...

TheFallenMadonna · 04/04/2011 00:22

Ethnic? Better safe than sorry? Eh?

Lots of ...

RelievedThoughtfulandGrateful · 04/04/2011 00:25

Seriously...thats what I think...

RelievedThoughtfulandGrateful · 04/04/2011 00:27

LOL..you know I wish I could say being black didn't matter...but I think it did..kinda like the reason my DDs were offered the jab when they were born..

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 04/04/2011 00:28

PLEASE, don't play the bloody race card. Sweet jesus, you had a bags full of wine bottles and an unmade mattress on the floor for your kids to sleep on.

WTF did you think people/police would make of that you lazy sod ?

everthebeliver · 04/04/2011 00:29

Relieved: Take the posts advice, move on and do what you can do for your family. You have learnt a lesson from this and you were very brave to post on AIBU and you have taken the negative on the chin. Now you are feeling more positive do not listen or take in the negative. That is the only advice I can give. Again take care and move on, look after your family and live a nice life. xx

BabyYoureAFirework · 04/04/2011 00:31

Right, now you've fucked me off, OP. That's just bullshit, and you know it. Less of the self pity and more of the listening to advice, I reckon. You need to sort yourself out a bit, love.

RelievedThoughtfulandGrateful · 04/04/2011 00:36

OK...so now I don't act or say what you want ?...it's bullshit?..actually you don't know do you...I have listened to advice..that does not mean I have to agree with everyone who posts..and I don't believe that what happened automatically leaves me with no right to have an opinion..