AIBU to think WTF is going on?

[ScaredWorriedAndAngry]

We recently realised we may had been burgled my DH noticed weird notches and marks on our front door...so he called the police they came and confirmed that someone had definately been into our house and we suddenly realised why small but valuable items had started going missing over a period of about 5months ..3 phones a hand-bag, my husbands watch I brought him for our anniversary last year and probably other things we have not realised...things you might think you have misplaced or lost..anyway the police officer asked to look upstairs so my husband said ok...when she cam back down the stairs she said 'how many children did you say you had?' my DH answered 2 ..she then said well why is there just 1 bed/mattress upstairs?' my DH explained that we will be buying a futon for them and that we are just in the middle of things.

now for some back-ground...my DDs bless their cotton socks are home-wreckers...they had a lovely IKEA bed but they jumped all over it and smashed the slats beyond repair..they have also dug holes in the walls and pulled off their own room door when they made a 'swing' on the handle amongst other things..unfortunately my DH is not a DIY person a nor am I...we chucked out the bed bits and just had the made up mattress on the floor (which they think is bluddy marvellous and like a 'sleep-over'),we have a new bed that we brought originally when we brought the first bed..but decided not to put it up because they might end up breaking it again, we decided to buy a double futon so they can jump as much as they want till we have set up DD2's room...

We have lived in the house for quite a while but we are really struggling with decorating and many things have gone wrong with the property,mould, bolier broken, man half fitted the kitchen and ran off with the money..plus other personal stuff.. so yes it looks a bit of a state decoration wise and at the moment we just don't have the time money or energy to sort everything out and it's also very cluttered not dirty..just messy...and we also have alot of wine bottles in bags in the kitchen because I'm too lazy to walk round to the bottle bank often enough (more fool me)...so it looks a bit much when I look at it from someone elses perspective..maybe they think we are drunks or something?

Well after they left and I came home my DH mentioned what happened and said he thought she might say something..I said no way because our house is a bit messy and you explained about the matress etc etc...

2 weeks later the police return and we thought it was the discuss the break in..no..it turns out there we some concerns with our children and their living arrangements??, 2 officers from the youth crime reduction team are here?? they ask to come in the house is a bit wild because I'm doing washing..they said they have spoken to the school about us and our children and about the time off they have had etc...and last year my DDs caught quite a few colds ansd stomach bugs and the school policy is you must keep them off for at least 48 hrs so yes their attendance looks dodgy but not more so than other children..they asked us if there was food in the house??...we both work and have decent jobs but bills a mortgage and debts and I don't want to get into anymore debt..

so now a day later they are coming back again with another person...and I'm sure I saw them drive pass the house earlier...we asked for help from the police and now we feel like suspects for something we haven't done...am i overrating/paranoid?..is this normal practice?...am i in some kind of denial?..are we on a list?

I have been trying to hold this all in but I'm tearful/angry and worried and too ashamed to talk to anyone about whats happening...

sorry this is so long..

Different,

I'm not saying you weren't abused emotionally but from what you wrote - I could say almost the same as could many others i would imagine. It was very different times though I don't know how old you are. And yes i was in hospital as a young child for weeks with one visit for an hour a day , i doubt they would have called my mum if i'd asked or if she would have come. I also had some issues with how my mum was but she was only human, and a product of her time and upbringing - she loved us and did the best she could. I wish you well.

Of course it doesn't make it right. Yes, it was commonplace then but you wouldn't dream of treating children like that now. Our parents didn't really know any better though, did they? I think that generally we are far better parents than our parents were.

Should you get over it? Of course you bloody well should. What choice do you have? I also had a terrible childhood. Things happened to me and my family that I couldn't possibly post on here. But we are grown ups now and you can't allow what happened to you as children to dictate how your life is as an adult.

fast, I was left in hospital the day before an op on my face. I woke the night of the op, throwing up blood. Crying. Wanting to see my mum. I saw her 2 days later.

Is that fair? Normal? Not seeing my mum for 4 days, after major surgery on my face.

And for the record, I don't speak to my mum any more. For various reasons. She didn't raise me the same as my siblings. There was a definite line there. They were given more, emotionally & physically.

I am not going to go it here. Because you don't see it. You don't have the memories I have. And you are of the 'they did the best they could' bunch. Which is bollocks. My mum didn't do the best she could for me, she did for my sister/brother. But you get to see the differences when they appear everyday. And they scar you.

Sorry for hijack, op.

differentnameforthis, I am not saying that your childhood was normal or acceptable. It may very well have been truly awful. But the point is that you are not a child any more, you are an adult. You need to let go and move on. Self-pity is just going to leave you bitter and unhappy.

Anyway, enough of this. I truly hope all is well with the OP and that she updates us soon.

Our parents didn't really know any better though, did they? oh what utter crap!

Of course it doesn't make it right. Yes, it was commonplace then but you wouldn't dream of treating children like that now. Our parents didn't really know any better though, did they? I think that generally we are far better parents than our parents were.

Should you get over it? Of course you bloody well should. But we are grown ups now and you can't allow what happened to you as children to dictate how your life is as an adult

The fact is, is does dictate. Being told you are worthless for 18yrs makes you wonder why people like you. Being told you are ugly, makes you wonder why someone would fall in love with you. Your own mother can't love you, didn't even want you & you think that shouldn't affect you later in life? The one person who should love unconditionally rejects you at birth, and makes your life hell for 18yrs and you should get over that!?

My childhood has unwittingly affected so many of my adult relationships and what you say is fucking disgraceful! You have no idea. You know what. I would have done anything for her to treat me as she did my sister & brother. I would have slept on the floor, I would eaten bread everyday, only had water to drink. I did my fucking best to be the daughter she wanted, from a very young age & she threw it in my face at every turn.

I am not self pitying, born. I originally shared my story as away to make people see that even people from 'clean tidy socially acceptable' homes can be abusive!

I have moved on, but when people tell you 'oh that? That's normal that is' it stings. Because it isn't. It isn't normal what I went through but you can tell yourself that as long as it helps you sleep at night.

It is just patronising when people think that my childhood didn't leave scars. Regardless of the fact that I live a relatively good life, the memories will never fade. And the doubts, doubting my worth, doubting what people want from me are deeply inbedded in me, that it rears it;s head when least expected.

different -

the comment I made was regarding your first post which didn't sound much different to the childhoods of many children which weren't what i would term abusive and normal doesn't mean good or bad but what is seen as acceptable or well 'normal' . You've expanded on your reasons for feeling the way you do and I'm sorry that was your experience and that it still affects you.

Also it took a long journey for what is considered good parenting today and TBH we do owe that to our parents who generally did do the best they could in the times that they lived. I'm sure their parenting was better than the earlier generations who sent their kids up chimneys and sold them into servitude. It's all one long journey and next generations parents might look back at us and think WTF were they thinking.

Different, I'm sorry if you feel let down by your mum, not everyone loves their child as they should.

((((differentnameforthis))))

It is not hard to keep a house clean, and you need to teach your children not to wreck the house

Thank you for giving your story Different it was very brave of you.

I believe there are two kinds of murder, the first when you physically destroy a persons body the second and arguably the worst is soul murder- why worse because the individual has to continue to live in the world with a dead darkness within them.

You murder a childs soul by neglecting and abusing it, when you can't be arsed to keep them or their clothes clean what your actually saying is your not worth it to me I don't actually care if it labels you as unloved by me. When you don't listen to their pain and distress and comfort them your actually saying YOU ARE NOT WORTH THE EFFORT YOU ARE WORTHLESS.

It is unfair to say well your a adult now, move pass it because they can't their is always that huge sense of loss inside them because their soul has been damaged beyond repair it cripples them for life. All it took for Different was reading this thread and shes back there again in all that pain and misery

Utter shit that that was 'normal' parenting in the 70's! That's neglect in any decade.

I grew up in the 70s, that shit was not normal!!!!

I agree thats not normal for the 70s

yes it happened, and in some areas it may have been rife and gone unreported, but it was not normal.

different yes, that is abuse and neglect. I am so glad that you have broken contact with your mother. That must have been very hard but was probably the best thing you could do for yourself and your family, one of many acts of love you presumably perform every hour of every day for them.

My parents are very toxic but also guilty of the "benign neglect" described by others. For example, my Dad would pick my Mum up from work at eleven at night leaving my sister and me in bed. That would be frowned upon these days since we were only babies but that was the 1970's and the way things were. A far cry from what you have experienced.

These threads must be as difficult for you to read and engage with as they are for me.

Please don't forget that doing kindnesses to yourself will also help. Remembering is important of course it is, and these things can not be forgotten. That does not mean that you haven't moved on. I hope you have someone who is taking care of you in RL and please, be proud to have broken the cycle

Sadly, SS have over time been able to develop a checklist of obvious signs that things are awry in a home, and the list that Leslie posted is it. When those conditions are noted, an investigation takes place as experience has taught SS that these conditions have a high rate of correlation with child welfare problems.

They do often miss the less obvious homes where abuse can be just as bad, and teachers sometimes miss children who are being mistreated too, if there's nothing that jumps out at them.

I had to call the police in once when DD2 (aged 3) let herself out the door while I was putting DD3 down for her nap. After searching hysterically for 20 minutes and banging on neighbours' doors and car boots. They searched the house from top to bottom and opened every cupboard and closet, questioned me about her habits, my usual supervision standards whether she was allowed to go out front on her own and who usually supervised her when she was outside, where the other children were, noted the sleeping arrangements and the pantry and fridge (and eventually found DD2 in the nearest park). My house wasn't 'visitor ready' that day and at the time the decor wasn't great, but everyone had a bed or cot with bedding, food was in the fridge, fruit in a bowl, toys and books literally everywhere, along with piles of washed clothes in the dining room . I had to call them in again when we were burgled about a year later they looked around again.

It is their job to take note of anything that affects the welfare of the children, and they should be commended for doing it well because children are defenceless and their needs must be met.

...and we also have alot of wine bottles in bags in the kitchen because I'm too lazy to walk round to the bottle bank often enough (more fool me)...
...and too ashamed to talk to anyone about whats happening...

OP, you haven't been back which I take it to mean you have to deal with issues arising from yesterday's meeting.

Take note of Lesley's posts and start getting your extended family involved with helping you out.

I work in a profession (at local government) that causes me to go into people's houses every day. We have been briefed by SWs that whenever we go into a home we must be aware of whether DCs are part of the family, and if so note and report any worries we have about welfare/abuse. This briefing occured after the Victoria Climbie case.

I hope all went well for you OP , i have to admit it feels like the whole world has gone on a safeguarding course sometimes , although thats probably not a bad thing . Personally i didnt see 'squalor' from your original post , you mentioned cluttered ,but not dirty . You said your dd's were sleeping on a mattress on the floor , a made up mattress from which i read it had sheets ,pillows and duvet on it ,of course your children thinks its great ,a bit like a cross between camping and a continual sleepover .I remeber when i moved out of the homeless hostel into a house with my son and couldnt afford a bed of any description ,back in the day before freecycle, i spent all my money on carpeting the house . A kind neighbour gave me a bed about 6 weeks after we had moved in and i cant tell you how disapointed my son was ! Also they asked about food ,but you didnt say you didnt have any ,it sounded as though you were shocked to be asked .
As far as the recycling is concerned ,get a box and put it in the garden, when it gets too full smash it all and make a pretty mural

that's nice apologist aside to chaos,poor school attendance,enough for wine but cant fix broken beds oh and a too

gosh as you say imagine if world was all orientated in safeguarding. what kind of world would that be if we were all safe guarding minded.oh no very gosh what a world that would be

Thanks everyone. I didn't mean to make this thread about me, but I just wanted to outline that just because a house looks a certain way, doesn't mean people aren't/are suffering behind it.

beesimo, you have summed up how it feels. Like my soul had been murdered! Thankfully I met a wonderful man, and after accepting that he does love me, my life its good.

She kept me clean, kept up appearances. But she nurtured her house more than she did me. And she always belittled my pain & distress.

FlaminGreatGallah We used to get left alone to while dad collected mum. At the time, it didn't feel anything but normal, it is only when you become a parent that you realise it isn't. It's funny, dh's mum is a nurse, and she worked nights. Didn't drive at the time so his dad would collect her, but he'd bundle the kids onto the back seat & take them along. When I asked why he didn't just leave them, he said 'why would you do that'? in genuine shock.

I think people see things that were commonplace & just think it was OK, normal. It isn't until you see that others didn't do it, that you realise how wrong it was!

Thankfully I have a great family & friends so it doesn't hurt as much. But being told to get over it, well that just shows that they don't understand.

Kirisox, and that's just as it should be. Child safeguarding is EVERYBODYS responsibility.

Yes yes selks. You protect and look after what can't protect and look after itself. Was I the only one told this as a child?

Im really disappointed the OP has not been able to come back and update us.

OP - would be lovely to have a quick scribble, letting us know you and DCs are ok