AIBU to think WTF is going on?

[ScaredWorriedAndAngry]

We recently realised we may had been burgled my DH noticed weird notches and marks on our front door...so he called the police they came and confirmed that someone had definately been into our house and we suddenly realised why small but valuable items had started going missing over a period of about 5months ..3 phones a hand-bag, my husbands watch I brought him for our anniversary last year and probably other things we have not realised...things you might think you have misplaced or lost..anyway the police officer asked to look upstairs so my husband said ok...when she cam back down the stairs she said 'how many children did you say you had?' my DH answered 2 ..she then said well why is there just 1 bed/mattress upstairs?' my DH explained that we will be buying a futon for them and that we are just in the middle of things.

now for some back-ground...my DDs bless their cotton socks are home-wreckers...they had a lovely IKEA bed but they jumped all over it and smashed the slats beyond repair..they have also dug holes in the walls and pulled off their own room door when they made a 'swing' on the handle amongst other things..unfortunately my DH is not a DIY person a nor am I...we chucked out the bed bits and just had the made up mattress on the floor (which they think is bluddy marvellous and like a 'sleep-over'),we have a new bed that we brought originally when we brought the first bed..but decided not to put it up because they might end up breaking it again, we decided to buy a double futon so they can jump as much as they want till we have set up DD2's room...

We have lived in the house for quite a while but we are really struggling with decorating and many things have gone wrong with the property,mould, bolier broken, man half fitted the kitchen and ran off with the money..plus other personal stuff.. so yes it looks a bit of a state decoration wise and at the moment we just don't have the time money or energy to sort everything out and it's also very cluttered not dirty..just messy...and we also have alot of wine bottles in bags in the kitchen because I'm too lazy to walk round to the bottle bank often enough (more fool me)...so it looks a bit much when I look at it from someone elses perspective..maybe they think we are drunks or something?

Well after they left and I came home my DH mentioned what happened and said he thought she might say something..I said no way because our house is a bit messy and you explained about the matress etc etc...

2 weeks later the police return and we thought it was the discuss the break in..no..it turns out there we some concerns with our children and their living arrangements??, 2 officers from the youth crime reduction team are here?? they ask to come in the house is a bit wild because I'm doing washing..they said they have spoken to the school about us and our children and about the time off they have had etc...and last year my DDs caught quite a few colds ansd stomach bugs and the school policy is you must keep them off for at least 48 hrs so yes their attendance looks dodgy but not more so than other children..they asked us if there was food in the house??...we both work and have decent jobs but bills a mortgage and debts and I don't want to get into anymore debt..

so now a day later they are coming back again with another person...and I'm sure I saw them drive pass the house earlier...we asked for help from the police and now we feel like suspects for something we haven't done...am i overrating/paranoid?..is this normal practice?...am i in some kind of denial?..are we on a list?

I have been trying to hold this all in but I'm tearful/angry and worried and too ashamed to talk to anyone about whats happening...

sorry this is so long..

Just one more thing about what Ivelivedthatlife posted - it's great that you love your parents so much, a good relationship is worth a lot.

But when a child lives in a house which is so messy that they are too embarrassed to have friends over, it is an abuse flag, afaik. Having friends over is important for normal social development etc. and parents should make it possible.

I really do wonder what those posters would make of my house now (none of the upstairs rooms have doors, or properly painted walls, and haven't for years) let alone what it was like a few years ago when it was much worse.

I am sorry, but I would say it was a shithole. :(

There is no excuse for not having doors, and it really doesnt cost much for a tin of paint to make a house look as if you at least make an effort to have it presentable.

I just dont understand how people can happily live in house that sound like squats.

I work in social services (with adults). All professionals are trained to spot certain signs, and one of the key signs is beds; matresses on floors and/or no bedding are seen as a big pointer. I have to say though, you should be kept informed at all stages, and there is no way your children or your family will be put on the at risk register without it first going to court, with your knowledge.

What others have said seems sensible, tidy up, get healthy food in, and get rid of the bottles. TBH resources are now so strapped, the criteria for children to be considered 'at risk' is very high, and providing your children are safe an fulfilled according to Every Child Matters, you'll be alright.

I remember, to this day (and I'm over 50), LONGING to jump on my bed but not being allowed (as well as not being allowed to go upstairs in my g'parent's cottage, the stairs to which were behind an agonisingly inviting curtain). Maybe someone with an entrepreneurial bent could design a child's bed with a trampoliney base. though wait a minute, health and safety would have something to say about that. A friend's kids used to drag the mattresses out and lay them down the stairs to slide down. They also threw dollies out of upstairs windows, screaming that the baby had fallen out.

The outrage on this thread has very little to do with the kids in this situation imo but I suspect is more to do with rabid parental competion that is endemic these days (over 50 and she uses phrases like 'these days' ). All the best when (when!) your teens kick against your parenting and run to the outside world crying !!CHILD ABUSE!! and watch the throng of mothers who trample one another in the crush to parent your kids 'properly'. Actually, all the best during your kids' teen years, period.

Obviously, CP is a very serious issue and there are some heinous things that go on (I used to work in a CP unit myself - and used to pray that some of the SWs would get the minimum number of cases possible or, hopefully, retire early to sell stained glass butterflies at craft fayres - anything but be unleashed on the poor unsuspecting families on their caseloads). As for the police officers attending OP's burglary: I was also burgled and the attendant police officers craned their necks to see if there was anything extraneous in my tobacco tin when I, shaking, rolled a fag to calm my nerves (we were all in the garden at the time as I couldn't light up in the house, what with the kids away at their dad's at the time).

And we probably all know of cases where SS have completely overreacted. Here's one today in the DM:

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1372497/Home-The-twins-snatched-state.html

Not saying they are overreacting in the case on this thread, but just saying it can - and does - happen.

Reading between the lines, I don't believe anyone over reacted in the case in today's DM.

The parents, or more specifically, the mother, was deemed unable to look after the children without supervision, for whatever reason (possibly the injuries in a road accident that led to a £1m payout - they don't go into that) and the children were returned after they had supervised access, learned to look after them and the father left work to help mum care for them.

It amazes me that people believe that children are removed from their parents for nothing or that social services have "adoption quotas".

I know, squeaky, I lived there for 34 yrs! My point is, that they are being collected to take to a bottle bank. hey could have been taken in the house from a shed/garage.

This has gone from bad parents, to insurance fraud (someone said about this being an insurance claim for lost items) to neglectful parents. OP has been accused of all sorts. Someone said that we don't know that she isn't a bad mother, but equally, we don't know that she isn't!

You know, I suffered horrible emotional abuse as a kid. Share a bed with my sister for years (we didn't have a bed each until I was about 7). My mother left me to walk home from school at 5, on my own. Left me to wake from an op at 9. She hit us. She swore at us. She stopped us seeing Dad (he left when I was 4). The difference? My house was immaculate. Not a sprinkle of dust, not a spoon out of place. Not a run not lifted to be cleaned under.

My point? This isn't automatically a neglect case because the house is messy/whatever. Just as, just because my house was well stocked with food, warm & clean it doesn't mean that I didn't suffered horribly.

Surrounds isn't always an indicator of neglect/being loved.

Oh & up until I was 14, I never had friends over, because mum would go off her head if there was so much as a crumb on the floor/glass on the table without a coaster!

Why is ANYTHING being drunk when the house is such a mess?

Yeah....God forbid bad house keepers should have a drink! What is the worked coming to! Point is, you don't how long they have been building up.

OP has also been accused of sleeping in late, not getting kids to school, not contacting school..all huge assumptions that she hasn't even hinted at! Just said attendance was bad as ill so much.

We aren't allowed to send kids to school for 48hrs here if they get gastro, and that is after the last bout of throwing up. So if they come down with it on Monday, stopped puking on Wednesday, they can't return to school til the following Monday!.

Dd had to have 7 days off after swabs for swine flu.

She can't go to school if I find nits in her hair in the morning. She has to stay off till I treat it.

OP also didn't say there was no food in the house. But honestly, you come to my house on Monday evening & I have next to nothing in to make a meal from until I go shopping on the Tuesday! We menu plan, live week to week with food, so sometimes, after Monday evening meal, there is enough for pack lunch & a basic breakfast! In these climates, not everyone can afford to have a months worth of food in the freezer/cupboard/fridge!

Not a run not lifted to be cleaned under

Should point out that mum called a long slim rug a runner...we had several in our house, on the landing, in the kitchen, in the hall, to walk on, to avoid the carpets...we had to sit on a rug in the lounge to play...to preserve the carpets!

oh differentnameforthis, your story has made me cry

OP please come back and let us know what happened.

I'm usually a lurker but want to comment because I'm baffled by the outrage wrt the bed situation. I get the posters explaining why it's a flag for ss butball those sniping at the OP are being very judgemental and overreacting imo. I know lots of siblings who love sharing a bed. The OP's said hers love it themselves. How is this abuse? This must be one of the most judgemental and presumptious threads I've read on mn. Not surprised the OP vasn't come back.

"OP has also been accused of sleeping in late, not getting kids to school, not contacting school..."

No she hasn't! I specifically posted about the things SS look for and when I talked about the above I said this might not apply to the OP. Please read the bl post properly before posting an indignant comment!

I agree that sharing a bed isn't automatically a problem. As long as children have had a choice in this, then it can be fine.

Well, I would like to say something from my very non-judgemental standpoint...

Social Services are humans. As such, they share the same prejudices and likes/dislikes as 'normal' people. Although they are meant to always put the needs of the child first, unfortunately sometimes they allow their own feelings about the parents to get in the way. If they like you, great. If they don't and they want to make things difficult for you, then they can. My point is:

Don't give them any ammunition

Tidy up your house, sort out the repairs, get rid of the wine bottles, address the damp (might be causing the poor health in your DC?), and engage with the school about the DC's attendance.

Obviously you should do these things anyway for the sake of your DC, but even if you think they won't make much difference to your DC's quality of life, do them anyway for the reasons outlined above.

maybe more has come to light and kids are in care and parents at the police station

Has anybody tried PM'ing the OP to see how she is? Even if she isn't coming on here, she'll get it in an email.

BADG, that DM story only sounds like half the truth to me. I get the feeling there is a lot more to it than they are actually saying. The problem with parents running to the media is, we only hear their side of it, and SS are bound by confidentiality not to be able to tell the full story.

Differentnamefortheis -'You know, I suffered horrible emotional abuse as a kid. Share a bed with my sister for years (we didn't have a bed each until I was about 7). My mother left me to walk home from school at 5, on my own. Left me to wake from an op at 9. She hit us. She swore at us. She stopped us seeing Dad (he left when I was 4). The difference? My house was immaculate. Not a sprinkle of dust, not a spoon out of place. Not a run not lifted to be cleaned under.'

This sounds quite normal actually, i shared a bed with my sister when we were in out teens, mum never walked us to school, we got hit, we didn't have friends to sleep over or play in the house as it was too small and we all played outdoors- not trying to sound glib but a lot of that sounds kind of normal for back in the day.

I kind of agree with you, fastedwina. Not wishing to upset differentnameforthis, but that all sounds pretty normal for years ago (not sure how old you are). We were hit, left to take ourselves to school from age 4, left outside the pub until midnight whilst our parents got drunk... this was normal for growing up in the 1970s.

... and dinner was - more often than not - sugar sandwiches. Unless my dad had a win on the horses, then he used to send us out for saveloy and chips.

lesley, yes she has! Different posters have accused her of sleeping in, of not contacting school. Possible trying to commit insurance fraud!

fastedwinda, yeah all normal, I was the only one who walked herself home (at 5yrs of age). When all the other mothers were there waiting, I wished she was too. She was sat at home drinking tea! I don't think it is normal for a 5yr to walk home from school at all! She never hugged me. Nor showed me any affection. Hit as in beat around the head? Had my toys thrown away as I was too old for them (at 8).

So being left in hospital? Refusing to come back when I asked the nurse to call her?

But yeah ok, if that's your idea of normal, fine. It sure isn't mine.

springydaffs, sorry! Didn't mean to upset you. Apparently it's all normal tho!

What tosh.

That kind of thing is only 'normal' it you have shit selfish useless parents.

And thanks for telling me that my emotionally abusive childhood was 'normal' the scar certainly don't feel normal. But there is lots more to go wit it, so I guess you can't understand from my sentence of I suffered horrible emotional abuse as a kid that it really was horrible!

Perhaps without all the other stuff, it would seem OK. But to post it all would take too long & be too painful. So I'll just get over it, shall I?

It certainly isn't normal, actually.

It was commonplace, perhaps. But not normal. Being left outside a pub, til midnight? Normal? I certainly don't remember it being so. Bloody cold. Bloody boring, bloody lonely. No money for a decent meal, but money for the pub! Then walking home with pissed parents.

Yes, commonplace, but that doesn't make it right!

So all those saying it was 'normal'. You'd be perfectly happy to subject your children to it, would you?

No?

Thought not!