AIBU to think WTF is going on?

[ScaredWorriedAndAngry]

We recently realised we may had been burgled my DH noticed weird notches and marks on our front door...so he called the police they came and confirmed that someone had definately been into our house and we suddenly realised why small but valuable items had started going missing over a period of about 5months ..3 phones a hand-bag, my husbands watch I brought him for our anniversary last year and probably other things we have not realised...things you might think you have misplaced or lost..anyway the police officer asked to look upstairs so my husband said ok...when she cam back down the stairs she said 'how many children did you say you had?' my DH answered 2 ..she then said well why is there just 1 bed/mattress upstairs?' my DH explained that we will be buying a futon for them and that we are just in the middle of things.

now for some back-ground...my DDs bless their cotton socks are home-wreckers...they had a lovely IKEA bed but they jumped all over it and smashed the slats beyond repair..they have also dug holes in the walls and pulled off their own room door when they made a 'swing' on the handle amongst other things..unfortunately my DH is not a DIY person a nor am I...we chucked out the bed bits and just had the made up mattress on the floor (which they think is bluddy marvellous and like a 'sleep-over'),we have a new bed that we brought originally when we brought the first bed..but decided not to put it up because they might end up breaking it again, we decided to buy a double futon so they can jump as much as they want till we have set up DD2's room...

We have lived in the house for quite a while but we are really struggling with decorating and many things have gone wrong with the property,mould, bolier broken, man half fitted the kitchen and ran off with the money..plus other personal stuff.. so yes it looks a bit of a state decoration wise and at the moment we just don't have the time money or energy to sort everything out and it's also very cluttered not dirty..just messy...and we also have alot of wine bottles in bags in the kitchen because I'm too lazy to walk round to the bottle bank often enough (more fool me)...so it looks a bit much when I look at it from someone elses perspective..maybe they think we are drunks or something?

Well after they left and I came home my DH mentioned what happened and said he thought she might say something..I said no way because our house is a bit messy and you explained about the matress etc etc...

2 weeks later the police return and we thought it was the discuss the break in..no..it turns out there we some concerns with our children and their living arrangements??, 2 officers from the youth crime reduction team are here?? they ask to come in the house is a bit wild because I'm doing washing..they said they have spoken to the school about us and our children and about the time off they have had etc...and last year my DDs caught quite a few colds ansd stomach bugs and the school policy is you must keep them off for at least 48 hrs so yes their attendance looks dodgy but not more so than other children..they asked us if there was food in the house??...we both work and have decent jobs but bills a mortgage and debts and I don't want to get into anymore debt..

so now a day later they are coming back again with another person...and I'm sure I saw them drive pass the house earlier...we asked for help from the police and now we feel like suspects for something we haven't done...am i overrating/paranoid?..is this normal practice?...am i in some kind of denial?..are we on a list?

I have been trying to hold this all in but I'm tearful/angry and worried and too ashamed to talk to anyone about whats happening...

sorry this is so long..

I am guessing that if you come close to having/have your child taken away when you have done absolutley nothing wrong, then you do have a slightly slanted view of things. It is good to know people are looking out for children, but like the criminal justice system, lord when they get it wrong it can be totally devastating.

I would not want to be a SW, or a judge!

Porto you are as always the voice of reason and I thank you

glad that the op is being investigated, ,too much happens to kids behind closed doors,glad we live in a country that at least trys to look out for the kids,if there is nothing wrong,she has nothing to fear,if it is a case of "messy mare"but the kids are loved ,then all should be ok,"but" if its not,then the kids and the parents will be given the right support.... or even a cleaner

My sympaties on the bed slats, DD1's friend broke one on her bunk and she went frough the end of another little girls (in neither case were they being silly - the slats were knoty poor wood)

Decent mattresses on the floor are perfectly comfortable, it's what the 4th person gets in a Premier Inn (and my DD's prefer this to some hotels fold out sofas)

Many of us put our mattresses on the floor at uni (the warped bed springs gave my flat mate such a bad neck she ended up at the doctors)

And unfortunately light weight interior doors get destroyed. My sister and I split one of our bedroom doors and the top of our kitchen door is somewhere down inside it due to small people fighting - fortunately you can't tell (don't ll the SS it's been like that for about 6 years).

Make the place look clean and tidy (without getting into debt - that will not help) loose booze bottles and rubbish. If you have to stack clutter into boxes and hid them with a friend, in a shed or in the boot of your car so you can hoover do and beg, borrow or hire a hoover that works.

Have name-changed in case anyone recognises me ...

I spent my childhood living like OP describes.

If there's one thing that I can tell you, it's that my mum is not a shit mum! She is kind, caring and wonderful. She is however, shit at housekeeping.

I clearly remember being mortified at the state of my home when I was a child. I hated to have my friends round.

I would make all sorts of excuses not to have them there because it was always such a shithole.

We had an incontinent, hairy bastard dog too, which added wonderfully to the already, ahem, questionable aroma in the house (mum and dad were both heavy smokers too ...)

I used to have mucky rings round my shirt collar till I learned how to wash my own shirts and if tea wasn't a bung in the oven on gas mark 6 jobby then you wouldn't find it in our kitchen.

The towels used to stink from lack of washing and the fly people would just die at the infrequency of the bed lined being washed.

All that said, we were cared for, treasured and loved unconditionally and I wouldn't swap my parents for the world! I adore them!

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post really. Just wanted to add my two pennies worth ...

In fact, that was rather insulting to OP, I'm sure your home isn't anywhere near as bad as mine was. Really sorry

IveLived That Life, that's a great post. Shows how difficult it is to judge from the outside.

Ivelivedthatlife, interesting post. And a good point that the most important thing is a loving family that treasured you, and wonderful that you knew that as a child and that you adore them now.

But this . . . "I clearly remember being mortified at the state of my home when I was a child. I hated to have my friends round.
I would make all sorts of excuses not to have them there because it was always such a shithole" . . . strikes me as very sad, I would be mortified if my children felt like that

As you say though questionable housekeeping does not always indicate a lack of love, but sometimes it does and that's why the police and ss are interested.

IveLivedThatLife but if SS had been involved with your family then surely you'd have had the same supportive parents/relationship but they'd have been forced to clean up the house etc, which would have made life much calmer/easier for you.

But she was perfectly happy without SS intervention and haven't they got bigger fish to fry with limited resources ?

I heard of a woman from a local village who was provided with a wake up call at 7am and help from somebody to get her Dc's dressed, fed and off to school because she was constantly late, this did nothing but create dependancy to the point that after 12 months the woman had a cleaner too.
Try getting any SS help if you're an old lady who's had a hip replaced.

"clothes are generally unorganised and food mess is frequently found on the floor"

SS aren't concerned about bits of cereal on the kitchen floor. When I talked about food being on the floor I really meant for example a floor with bits of rotten fruit, old bits of burger and chips, half sandwiches and old custard all mixed in with clothes, papers and other belongings.

They also want to know the children have access to clean clothes. So no clothes in wardrobe/chest of drawers, but instead strewn about all over the house often coming into contact with discarded food, is a red flag.

And SS know that people's boilers can break and people can struggle to repair them. If there are alternative washing facilities e.g. electric shower and other sources of heating e.g. plug in heaters, then SS wouldn't be concerned about boiler. If there wasn't alternatives and there were no other issues except the boiler, SS would be recommending how parents can deal with this, but they wouldn't be concerned.

Who knows forkful.

I do completely support and agree with SS's involvement in OP's case btw. Far better to do too much than not enough.

My post was more in reaction to the "shit mum" comments tbh ...

Oh, and nothingnatural - me too!

Also to those posters who say they feel uneasy that all we may be doing is telling the OP how to pass a "test" by SS.

All we are doing is advising the OP to sort out the same things that SS would say to her. If the OP's children are genuinely loved, all SS will care about is that the issues are sorted out and the house kept on top of. In some ways it doesn't matter what makes a loving parent resolve issues, as long as they are resolved.

And SS would check back later on to make sure things are being kept on top of.

If OP wasn't a loving parent and the issues are more complicated, then hopefully SS will be able to see this even if OP tackles some of the issues like the mess in the house. SS are trained to look beyond the superfacial - parents who do abuse often lie and try and cover up abuse.

My home was like that and I longed for SS to care enough to do something about it.

They didn't, but eventually I did get put into care anyway.

I think it is often an indication of other issues, and think it is right that it is questioned. Better make a mistake and find everything's OK than the other way round, no?

Forkful we haven't been seen BUT there have been concerns raised by people who have seen DD at swimming AND, bizarrely, by the specialist hospital in London where she is treated for her blood-clotting disorder, who know about all this

She once had an injury caused by tripping on a towel and falling onto the metal foot of her desk (you can imagine) and even though we drove her straight to our local hospital where she was examined by a specialist gynae who confirmed the injury with the explanation and the photographs I took while on the phone, when we took DD the next day as a precaution, to London, where she was NOT examined at all, they alerted SS.

The nature of the injury was actually just a slight graze needing no treatment at all which is why the specialist gynae discharged us. But they took it upon themselves to refer and then say that they had no concerns. So why refer at all? Procedure apparently. But it was very very scary considering that they are the very people who treat DD for her condition and have all her notes and records r.e bruising. With every year that passes I breathe a sigh a relief.

Changing the subject slightly. Did the OP come back and I have missed it. I do hope she is ok.
OP, if you are reading this but not posting back, very good luck to you and take care xx

IveLivedThatLife I do understand what you are saying and that love is crucial to children. However the OP has said that the police were concerned and because of that SS are coming round.

So it doesn't matter if you and others think that SS shouldn't care about a dirty and messy house. They will have come round today and they will have concerns if the house is very dirty and messy - along with the other potential concerns.

So OP needs to address the issues that SS will raise. Even if you think there is no need, she really does need to do this to satisfy SS.

FlaminGreatGallah- If it is ok to ask, does your DD have Haemophilia?

FGG we aren't talking here about children with unusual bruising, but about two children who are clearly living in conditions that most of us think are far from normal. IMO SS involvement can only be a good thing, as the family appear to need help to get back on track.

I'm a little confused as to who your DD was seen by a "specialist gynae" surely a Haematologist would have been more appropriate?

lesley, if you care to re-read what I have posted

"I do completely support and agree with SS's involvement in OP's case btw. Far better to do too much than not enough"

You will see at at no point have I said that I think SS shouldn't care. Please don't make your own conclusions from my posts.

As I have already said, my posts was more in response to the "shit mum" comment ...

It is very similar to it Goodynuff, girls carry the Haemophilia gene but don't have the bleeds. She was seen by a specialist gynae because of where the injury was and that person was experienced in discerning between accidental and non-accidental injuries. She was given her medication in order to help if the graze continued to bleed, possibly severely, but luckily it was very minor and checked out by the haematologist the next day. It was all fine and I can't for the life of me think what more we could have done for her as responsible parents and what it was that warranted a referral.

But yes, we are talking about children living in conditions which are not ideal and OP needs to get some advice. I often overreact at the mention of SS. Sorry again

'OP, if you are reading this but not posting back, very good luck to you and take care'

She doesn't need good luck, she and her partner need to stop living like a couple of teenage students and get ready for a house inspection.
My DD is at uni and is horrified at how some of her fellow students choose to live. But they are not responsible for dependent children, so the rotting food in the bin, pyramids of beer cans and manky bedding affects only them.

OP I hope you can come back and tell us what happened - maybe we can help in some way :)