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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think WTF is going on?

580 replies

ScaredWorriedAndAngry · 31/03/2011 22:35

We recently realised we may had been burgled my DH noticed weird notches and marks on our front door...so he called the police they came and confirmed that someone had definately been into our house and we suddenly realised why small but valuable items had started going missing over a period of about 5months ..3 phones a hand-bag, my husbands watch I brought him for our anniversary last year and probably other things we have not realised...things you might think you have misplaced or lost..anyway the police officer asked to look upstairs so my husband said ok...when she cam back down the stairs she said 'how many children did you say you had?' my DH answered 2 ..she then said well why is there just 1 bed/mattress upstairs?' my DH explained that we will be buying a futon for them and that we are just in the middle of things.

now for some back-ground...my DDs bless their cotton socks are home-wreckers...they had a lovely IKEA bed but they jumped all over it and smashed the slats beyond repair..they have also dug holes in the walls and pulled off their own room door when they made a 'swing' on the handle amongst other things..unfortunately my DH is not a DIY person a nor am I...we chucked out the bed bits and just had the made up mattress on the floor (which they think is bluddy marvellous and like a 'sleep-over'),we have a new bed that we brought originally when we brought the first bed..but decided not to put it up because they might end up breaking it again, we decided to buy a double futon so they can jump as much as they want till we have set up DD2's room...

We have lived in the house for quite a while but we are really struggling with decorating and many things have gone wrong with the property,mould, bolier broken, man half fitted the kitchen and ran off with the money..plus other personal stuff.. so yes it looks a bit of a state decoration wise and at the moment we just don't have the time money or energy to sort everything out and it's also very cluttered not dirty..just messy...and we also have alot of wine bottles in bags in the kitchen because I'm too lazy to walk round to the bottle bank often enough (more fool me)...so it looks a bit much when I look at it from someone elses perspective..maybe they think we are drunks or something?

Well after they left and I came home my DH mentioned what happened and said he thought she might say something..I said no way because our house is a bit messy and you explained about the matress etc etc...

2 weeks later the police return and we thought it was the discuss the break in..no..it turns out there we some concerns with our children and their living arrangements??, 2 officers from the youth crime reduction team are here?? they ask to come in the house is a bit wild because I'm doing washing..they said they have spoken to the school about us and our children and about the time off they have had etc...and last year my DDs caught quite a few colds ansd stomach bugs and the school policy is you must keep them off for at least 48 hrs so yes their attendance looks dodgy but not more so than other children..they asked us if there was food in the house??...we both work and have decent jobs but bills a mortgage and debts and I don't want to get into anymore debt..

so now a day later they are coming back again with another person...and I'm sure I saw them drive pass the house earlier...we asked for help from the police and now we feel like suspects for something we haven't done...am i overrating/paranoid?..is this normal practice?...am i in some kind of denial?..are we on a list?

I have been trying to hold this all in but I'm tearful/angry and worried and too ashamed to talk to anyone about whats happening...

sorry this is so long..

OP posts:
beesimo · 01/04/2011 22:12

OP surely if your child has such a serious medical condition you should be making sure that she is in safe controlled enviroment. Do you prehaps feel cleaning and such are a bit beneath a intellectual such as yourself?

If so why not cut back on the booze and use the money for a cleaner

Portofino · 01/04/2011 22:13

My DH and I work full time, have debts and drink too much wine definitelyprobably. Our house is not spotless, but it is tidy, clean, and organised. My dd has a cluttered bedroom, but with a proper bed, and clean sheets every week. She has clean ironed clothes and goes to school every day. Is it really THAT hard? Please forgive me if I live in cloud cuckoo land....

TandB · 01/04/2011 22:14

"Well she said that she would report away for anything."

No. She didn't. She said "i report it to ss everytime i have the slightest concern when seeing people in the context of my job - i would rather report in error than let a little one suffer"

Saying that you report when you have concerns is completely different from saying "I report anything". Presumably if she saw a child with bruises whose mother explained the medical condition she wouldn't have concerns and wouldn't report.

I very much doubt she is following random children down the street staring at their bruises and dialling 999.

mamatomany · 01/04/2011 22:14

What don't you understand NN ? That people can have a run of bad luck financially that stops them from being able to afford to make their house look nice ? That people can spend half their lives cleaning around their children and the kids make it look like you've not done a thing 5 mins later.

I'm not aware of any funds that would replace a broken boiler if somebody was struggling to find a grand to replace it or buy somebody a new kitchen if they'd been ripped off by a trades person so where do the likes of SS think the OP will magic this money up from ?

TheSecondComing · 01/04/2011 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Portofino · 01/04/2011 22:16

You can still tidy up a bit mamatomany. That doesn't cost money.

everthebeliver · 01/04/2011 22:16

jesus christ no wonder the OP has not come back....... what happened to innocent until proven guilty

TandB · 01/04/2011 22:17

Just re-read - if a condition is often undiagnosed then no, perhaps she wouldn't be in a position to have her concerns allayed. But you can't seriously say that she should avoid reporting just in case? If parents often don't know a child has it, how do you expect anyone other than a doctor to be able to "educate" themselves about it to the extent that they can decide, themselves, without recourse to any external advice, that there is no risk?

Portofino · 01/04/2011 22:17

I don't have a mortgage. I rent my house. i better go now.

TheCrackFox · 01/04/2011 22:17

SS might expect the OP to drink less and and spend £45 on a new bed instead.

SS will always ask to see the sleeping arrangements of children and want to see food in the house and toys for the children. They don't give a stuff about a "show home" environment, they really don't.

TandB · 01/04/2011 22:18

"so where do the likes of SS think the OP will magic this money up from ?"

From the bags of wine bottles perhaps?

FlaminGreatGallah · 01/04/2011 22:19

It isn't is it? And thanks Portofino for your previous comment.

I am looking at a Shock stain on the coffee table my laptop is on and there may well be a slight mark on the floor in front of me but they can wait until tomorrow

But there is no washing up in the sink from dinner or on the draining board, clothes all ready and folded for DD's dancing tomorrow and for DS. I wouldn't dream of leaving plates or pans for the morning in fact the cups and kettle are all ready for tea.

But I was referred to SS. It can happen to anyone.

PinkToeNails · 01/04/2011 22:19

After I wrote "poor you" I did think about the number of wine bottles in the house. It indicates they have money to sPend on wine, but not on repairs.

It's true I don't know what type of parents they are, I made an assumption.

Is also thought that maybe the state of the house may have contributed to the illnesses.

I guess I was just thinking how I would feel if SS were to investigate us. Our house isn't in that state, but it does get messy.

I guess OP and her DP need help. The hildren are the important people here and it's great that there is a system in this country to protect them. Imagine if the police did nothing and then something terrible happened...

Portofino · 01/04/2011 22:20

I am not judging actually. I said much earlier on that it sounds like the OP could do with some help, and if SS come calling to make sure she gets some. My comment to mamatomany sounded a bit judgey though. I'm sorry. I only have one child. I have no idea how anyone copes with more so should shut up.

LeroyJethroGibbs · 01/04/2011 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mamatomany · 01/04/2011 22:23

You can tidy up of course but it is like painting the fourth bridge at times, I have more children than most I guess and if they all leave a handful of toys lying around it's like an explosion in Hamleys.

I can sympathise to a degree that's all.
As for a bottle of £5 wine making much difference to the savings for a boiler, unless she got through 200 bottles it's not really going to touch the sides is it ?

TandB · 01/04/2011 22:23

"But I was referred to SS. It can happen to anyone."

It can. I know a family whose life has been made a living hell by a mistake made by a social worker. They did absolutely nothing wrong. Their child is their life.

This thread is making me sad because there are some really basic steps that the OP can take and could have taken to stop this happening. There clearly are things that need addressing. And yet my friends have been brought almost to breaking point when there was nothing that needed addressing in their lives.

nothingnatural · 01/04/2011 22:23

Of course I understand that manatomy. I have young children, no family support or cleaner etc, I work, I'm not rich, I drink wine, I'm not fanatical about tidying up BUT I'm also conscious that being a parent is about taking seriously the care and physical needs of children as well as their emotional needs.

It sounds like you are doing a good job in difficult circs. Spending 15K on restoring a house is a big call. It is not what the op is doing however is it? (As far as we can tell from the limited info given ). Some of the op's issues do take money to fix, but not all. Being poor does not mean you neglect your children, being lazy or depressed however, may mean that you need additional support, which hopefully they can ask for now they have been alerted to the fact that this is (possibly) not a particularly ideal environment for children.

mamatomany · 01/04/2011 22:24

Oh well I'd get double points from SS any time they come into my house then, you cannot fecking more for food or toys !

mamatomany · 01/04/2011 22:26

*move I mean for toys and food.

FlaminGreatGallah · 01/04/2011 22:31

I do see your points reasonable people Smile just saying I am a bit annoyed that I have been referred by ignoramuses. Bruising has many causes. And maybe one day someone on MN will have a child like mine and will need support. I'll be right there.

Sorry to hijack but I do feel very sorry for my daughter. Then again we are lucky as before we knew how to deal with it we were close to the point of losing her a fair few times.

I shouldn't have hijacked and become aggressive. Not my thread. Sorry.

PelvicFloorsOfSteel · 01/04/2011 22:38

I was wondering if the assumption that there might not be food came from the recycling. We sometimes accumulate quite a bit but ours is a mix of wine bottles, coffee jars, jam jars, pasta sauce jars, etc. Bags of just wine bottles would give the impression either that a lot of wine had been drunk very quickly or that not much food had been consumed in that time (unless this looked like the kind of household who made all their own food from scratch and never resorted to a jar of anything - which isn't the obvious first impression).

Goofymum · 01/04/2011 22:41

There must have been many indicators of neglect here, some of which the OP as admitted, for the authorities to investigate further. If it's not obvious that the children are not neglected they will look into it more collaborate with SS. And thank God for that.

The OP has been full of excuses and reasons for the state of the house. I hope this has been a wake up call for the OP and that her family gets some help following this intervention.

Children are not going to be taken into care just because they have a messy house or they have a few bags of empty bottles lying in the kitchen. This OP has not been hard done by.

Maryz · 01/04/2011 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlaminGreatGallah · 01/04/2011 23:01

Beaten with a stick! oh my - that is so how VWD appears!

My DD looks like a leopard on her legs since I have allowed her to ride a bicycle with helmet and other protective pads Hmm

I know bruising is an important indicator of abuse but all I was saying that if someone looked at my beautiful DD beyond the bruises, no burns Sad no other marks Sad surely they could see the happy healthy girl? If they didn't have access to her medical records?