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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What should I do about an unreasonable ex?

86 replies

schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 18:29

My husband has a 7 year old for an ex-girlfriend and we also have a 16 month old together. The problem is that his ex has done everything she can to prevent my husband from having visitation. She has put us through 5 years of court and accused my husband of everything she could and also has called childrens aid on us for bogus complaints. As of right now his ex says we can't see his daughter anymore. She won't tell us why. She called the house after the last visit this past sunday and kept yelling at me to put my husband on the phone. I told her he wasn't home but she refused to believe that. I asked to take a message or if I could help just thinking that maybe the daughter left something behind. She then yelled at me and said I have no say in her daughter's life or decision ability and put my husband on the phone. Again I said he's not here can I take a message. then she said yeah you can tell him he will never see my daughter again. My husband has called and emailed but she won't respond. So I have no idea what her so called reason is this time. i'm getting so tired of trying. How do you prusue being a part of his daughter's life when his ex makes it impossible. We have been willing to do whatever we need to make things work and have jumped though hoops for this woman, but she still does whatever she can to keep us out. What do you do when the other party is hellbent on keeping you out? it's just the same circle of events over and over. His ex freaks over something we try to appease her adventually she calms d and we have a visit then she freaks again. btw the last visit before this was boxing day. She hardly ever allows visits and we can't afford to go to court AGAIN to enfore parental rights to visitation
This is just the beginning of the story this woman is horrible. I have no idea is she has some sort of mental condition that causes her to be so crazy or if she is just nasty. we had to get a court order just so I could see my step-daughter and his ex refuses to talk to me. we have actually gotten emails telling my husband that I am not to speak to her not even say hi. what do you do when you are dealing with a mental case and she refuses my husband to have arole in their childs life?

OP posts:
amberleaf · 31/03/2011 20:03

schnauzersrock, i have replied to your private message.

I am NOT a hater!

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 31/03/2011 20:47

Google 'parental alienation'. It sounds like she is doing this.

GypsyMoth · 31/03/2011 20:54

so what does the contact order for the grandparents and er,uncles state?? when do they see the daughter? whats going on there??

Original poster
schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 21:39

they see her when they are in town but only if the child doesn't have other obligations. so its easy for his ex to say she can't see them b/c she ahs a b-day party to go to or something like that

and I totally agree she is practicing parental alienation. but there is nothing we can do if the other party is totally unreasonable. both sides have to be willing to do what's needed to keep things neutral for the child. we can try our hardest but its nothing is she doesn't want to try.

I have afeeling that their daughter will be kept from my husband until she is old enough to decide for herself. hopefully its not too late and she hasn't become brainwashed

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 31/03/2011 21:56

why are social services investigating her all the time?

GypsyMoth · 31/03/2011 21:57

are cafcass ever involved?

Original poster
schnauzersrock · 01/04/2011 01:04

ss investigated her b/c she assulted 3 people, and robbed a man, plus she has a drug prob
i don't know what cafcass is

OP posts:
Whatever17 · 01/04/2011 01:41

I get on well with ex-DH and his partner of 8 years, DS is 11. I am extremely grateful for how kind she is to my son and I send her get well cards etc from me and DS and have them both in for cups of tea when they pick up DS. I chat and gossip with her whilst ex-DH sorts out DS's x-box connection or whatever.

However, I expect to talk only to ex-DH re arrangements and anything regarding OUR son. He often says - let me chat to Step-Mum and come back to you re dates - which is fine.

I like DS's stepmum, but I expect all arrangements and all educational and medical and financial decisions etc to be taken by the 2 of us. If I got Step-Mum on the phone I would be very polite and friendly, ask about her kids, her mum etc etc but ask her to ask ex-DH to call me when he gets in.

We are his parents, no one else.

Perhaps you are muscling in a bit too much?

Original poster
schnauzersrock · 01/04/2011 01:48

whatever17
I don't think you have read all the posts. I have no role at all! I'm on here for advice on how to cope and keep my own sanity and find advice to pass onto my husband who is at his wits end
I do however admire how civil you are to the step-mom in your life. I can't even get a hi from his ex and if I say hi I get an eye roll from her and she huffs and puffs
how am i muscling? please explain? is it muscling by seeking out to the online world for advice. I thaught this was all about seeking out people in similar situations that can lend some advice and a shoulder

OP posts:
cookcleanerchaufferetc · 01/04/2011 07:46

Where are you based? As you are quoting dollars I assume US or Oz .... That would mean there are different systems and organisations in place which most of us are not familiar. Did you post on step parents?

FourFortyFour · 01/04/2011 08:17

He wouldn't have to take her out to spend time alone with his daughter, you could go out.

You need to step right back if you really do want to help your husband as his ex might, I said might, be more willing for their daughter to see her father. Your husband needs to go again to see a solicitor and file for joint custody or access.

Bogeyface · 01/04/2011 09:15

You are currently the problem as far as the ex is concerned. So, get him to email his ex saying that he will take his daughter out for a few hours at a weekend and you will not see her or speak to her. Make sure that you dont see or speak to her at all.

Then, if she continues with her behaviour, you will know that it is nothing to do with you and she is just using you as a focus for her bad feelings. you can then use that the next time you go to court to prove that she is attempting to alienate your DH and using you as an excuse.

Its a shame that you think people are being harsh but they are simply trying to help you. You asked for opinions and got them, unfortunately that means that often you will be told what yuo dont want to hear, I should know its happened to me too! But the advice comes from people with insight and experience and they wouldnt reply if they didnt genuinely care and want to help you. Being huffy with them isnt going to help.

This problem isnt about you, or your husband. It is about his dd and as the adults you need to do whatever it takes to facilitate a relationship between the father and daughter. If that means you never see her, well then thats how it must be, atleast until she is older. Your feelings dont really matter I am afraid, it is what is best for the daughter that must over ride everything else.

GypsyMoth · 01/04/2011 09:18

you have been in the court system yet never heard of CAFCASS???

then clearly the court see's no welfare issues.........there must be more to this than you are telling us here as this doesnt add up.

Bogeyface · 01/04/2011 09:22

Tiffany, she talks of dollars in a previous post, so I think she is not UK based

Original poster
schnauzersrock · 01/04/2011 14:09

im canadian
and there still are people not reading what i'm saying or i'm not clear. I have no role I barly see the child I never seethe mother I have spoken to her 3 times in 5 years by chance from answering the phone that's it and she was doing this for 2 years before I ever came into the pic.

OP posts:
Original poster
schnauzersrock · 01/04/2011 14:12

cafcass might just be somehting in your country and called something else here?

OP posts:
Original poster
schnauzersrock · 01/04/2011 14:15

actually we have been told by our last lawyer that he should always have somone else with him on vists if not me then someone that way there is a witness to any of her accussations

OP posts:
Original poster
schnauzersrock · 01/04/2011 15:53

i'd appreciate if people want to say that i'm the problem then they explain how be specific please. just saying its me doesn't really tell me anything or make me understand how

OP posts:
amberleaf · 01/04/2011 16:08

Its not necessarily that you are the problem, its just that it appears as though possibly the ex sees you as the problem so if you are not around at any suggested visits then maybe the ex will cool down.

Just maybe but surely its worth a try?

ShirleyKnot · 01/04/2011 16:10

"My husband has a 7 year old for an ex-girlfriend"

Bogeyface · 01/04/2011 17:25

You are the problem as far as the ex is concerned, therefore you remove yourself from the equation and see what happens. If she still kicks off then you know she was just using you as an excuse and can take that back to court.

If she calms down and is ok with your DP then atleast he is getting to see his dd.

It was fairly clear that's what was being said I think, so rather than accusing others of not reading your posts, perhaps you should read theirs!

shimmerysilverglitter · 01/04/2011 18:05

You sound nuts op. Scarily so.

Original poster
schnauzersrock · 01/04/2011 18:21

I still don't understand what any of you are saying after the last time she was over she called to talk to my husband he wasn't home I just asked to take a message for him like most people do when they answer the phone and its not for them. then she said tell him he can't see my daughter not our daughter my daughter again. how is that me interferring. she called my house not the other way around. she hung up immediately after I never said anything but hello and can i take a message. I don't get why people are saying if she is using me as an excuse? she never said anything about me. I'm so confused by all of you and
ShirleyKnot Fri 01-Apr-11 16:10:26
"My husband has a 7 year old for an ex-girlfriend"
what is that supposed to mean?

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 01/04/2011 18:30

It was the first line of your original post, it amused me. Sorry it was a bit idiotic.

Anyway. AIBU is not the place for this, it's really flamey

You've been advised to post on the stepparent topic

here

What people are trying to say is that you need to step back and let your husband deal with her. She is obviously threatened by your relationship and this is inflaming stuff. It's not right, it's not fair, but it's what is happening and unfortunately you will have to suck it up for the sake of the child.

ensure · 01/04/2011 18:34

It sounds very difficult. :(
I don't know what the answer is sadly. It must be hard to want desperately to be in your child's life, but to be prevented from seeing him / her.
Your DH might have to wait until his DD is older and can see for herself what is going on.

If he can show her he always tried to be there for her, went to court etc. she will be able to see that he does / always did love her.

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