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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What should I do about an unreasonable ex?

86 replies

schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 18:29

My husband has a 7 year old for an ex-girlfriend and we also have a 16 month old together. The problem is that his ex has done everything she can to prevent my husband from having visitation. She has put us through 5 years of court and accused my husband of everything she could and also has called childrens aid on us for bogus complaints. As of right now his ex says we can't see his daughter anymore. She won't tell us why. She called the house after the last visit this past sunday and kept yelling at me to put my husband on the phone. I told her he wasn't home but she refused to believe that. I asked to take a message or if I could help just thinking that maybe the daughter left something behind. She then yelled at me and said I have no say in her daughter's life or decision ability and put my husband on the phone. Again I said he's not here can I take a message. then she said yeah you can tell him he will never see my daughter again. My husband has called and emailed but she won't respond. So I have no idea what her so called reason is this time. i'm getting so tired of trying. How do you prusue being a part of his daughter's life when his ex makes it impossible. We have been willing to do whatever we need to make things work and have jumped though hoops for this woman, but she still does whatever she can to keep us out. What do you do when the other party is hellbent on keeping you out? it's just the same circle of events over and over. His ex freaks over something we try to appease her adventually she calms d and we have a visit then she freaks again. btw the last visit before this was boxing day. She hardly ever allows visits and we can't afford to go to court AGAIN to enfore parental rights to visitation
This is just the beginning of the story this woman is horrible. I have no idea is she has some sort of mental condition that causes her to be so crazy or if she is just nasty. we had to get a court order just so I could see my step-daughter and his ex refuses to talk to me. we have actually gotten emails telling my husband that I am not to speak to her not even say hi. what do you do when you are dealing with a mental case and she refuses my husband to have arole in their childs life?

OP posts:
LoveBeingKnockedUp · 31/03/2011 19:13

Op are you in the uk, or just mot from the uk?

Original poster
schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 19:20

ss has investigated her many times but have oly given her a warning. seabright I like you school letters idea

many of you think that I should take a back seat and I do but that doesn't mean that both my husband and I don't make decisions together. things have to be consistent for our children and his daughter. they all have to follow the same rules. and what affects him affects me as anyone who is married knows.
and I shouldn't have to geta court order to have his daughter come to our house and for me to be aloud to stay in our house when she comes over. any decent person would allow the father to have other people in the childs like. we had to get aqn orger for the grandparents too not just me. and also for uncles.

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 31/03/2011 19:24

schnauzer aibu is the wrong place for this. There is open hostility through much of mumsnet for second wives, your best bet is to go over to stepparents, where lots of people will have some unbiased help and support for you. Being the partner of someone with a bad relationship with their ex is very stressful indeed so if you need to rant hit that forum and you should be fine.

prettyfly1 · 31/03/2011 19:24

ps. Seabrights suggestions are excellent - consider those!!

Original poster
schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 19:26

amberleaf as for the use of WE . most couples just refer to themselves as WE. that doesn't mean i'm talking the lead or taking over just that WE ie my husband and I are in this together and try to make decisions together and try to be a family unit and handle things together

OP posts:
Original poster
schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 19:30

prettyfly
what do you mean go to stepparents? is that a section on mumsnet? I'm not here to rant i'm here for advice on how to deal with his ex. she is so cruel to my husband and it hurts me to see him in so much pain b/c she keeps him out of their daughters life. I want to get advice to help him to find a way to deal with his unreasonable ex and even a way for us both to have sanity and maybe to understand why she is so evil.
and we have already tried seabrights other suggestions just not the school one

OP posts:
amberleaf · 31/03/2011 19:37

Advice= Take a big step back.....your level of involvement is so obviously what is causing the trouble.

She is not evil btw shes a person with feelings and opnions, they are just different to yours.

amberleaf · 31/03/2011 19:38

Oh and btw, its very important for your husband and his daughter to be able to spend time just them and not you as well.

Original poster
schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 19:41

my level of involvement is obvious. obvious that I care about my husband and my family and what happens to them and who hurts them. BTW she was like this before I met my husband. she was acting the same and trying to keep him out of their daughters life long before I ever came in the pic.
and there really are evil people in the world. she has filed false charges against my husband she has assulted 3 people and commited arm robbery of an old man. does that not soound like an evil person?

OP posts:
amberleaf · 31/03/2011 19:43

No it sounds like on side of a two sided story

carry on as you were anyway, my advice to you is step back its not your child and it seems that your involvement is adding to a difficult situation.

but feel free to ignore my advice and work it out yourself....

Original poster
schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 19:43

how can my husband spend time with just his daughter when his ex doesn't let him see his daugher. i think your a johnny come lately to the party and haven't heard a thing i've said. that something in your life has made you bitter to step parents. she is not the only child in the family but the only one that he has with someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 19:44

what advice your just being bitchy

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Original poster
schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 19:44

I have no role in their daughters life i hardly see the child

OP posts:
amberleaf · 31/03/2011 19:44

one side

Original poster
schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 19:45

like i've said i'm looking to help my husband

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Original poster
schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 19:46

hey are you his ex b/c you seam as closed off as her get off my thread

OP posts:
amberleaf · 31/03/2011 19:46

Its not being bitchy, its having an unemotional opinion from what you've posted here.

amberleaf · 31/03/2011 19:47

'get off my thread' ????

Yes you must be new!

IQuiteLikeVodka · 31/03/2011 19:47

what prettyfly meant (I think) is that if you asked this question in the step-parent section,you would probably find more supportive, helpful,experienced answers from step-parents who have been in similar situations. It's good advice I would do this if I were you. Good luck schnauzersrock

MorticiaAddams · 31/03/2011 19:53

So you're saying that you've spent five years going through the courts and all that's happened is they've told you to work it out between yourselves?

I haven't any personal experience of this but isn't it usual to make contact arrangements for certain days each week?

Original poster
schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 19:57

thanks prettyfly and Iquitelikevodka helpful advice is always appreciated.
it sucks that there are haters out there like amberleaf. too bad people don't bother to fully read what you are seaking advice about before giving their two senses, if they did they would realize i'm here looking for helpful advice to pass onto my husband rather than being attacked myself for trying to help my family out of a difficult situation and being accused of things they have no idea about. sure there are always too sides but in a forum like this its impossible to write 7 years of b/s in 2 mins.

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 31/03/2011 19:59

That is why it is really important for you to head over to the steps forum. You sound thoroughly fed up, frustrated, exhausted and desperate and believe you me, many of us have been there. Sometimes just getting it all down on paper and getting some support from other people who have experienced it themselves will be enough to give you the little bit of relief you need to get back on it!!

Original poster
schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 20:00

morticiaaddams
basically the court gives every second weekend to non-costodial parents and then the rest is all financial stuff and well as splitting of holidays but the rest is between the parents to agree to or go to trial to have a judge order the above but if you don't go to trial then you have to figure it out amongst yourselves

OP posts:
Original poster
schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 20:02

we did not go to trial b/c it would cost $20,000 + and we were already near bankrupt

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Original poster
schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 20:02

lawyers make good money

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