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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What should I do about an unreasonable ex?

86 replies

schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 18:29

My husband has a 7 year old for an ex-girlfriend and we also have a 16 month old together. The problem is that his ex has done everything she can to prevent my husband from having visitation. She has put us through 5 years of court and accused my husband of everything she could and also has called childrens aid on us for bogus complaints. As of right now his ex says we can't see his daughter anymore. She won't tell us why. She called the house after the last visit this past sunday and kept yelling at me to put my husband on the phone. I told her he wasn't home but she refused to believe that. I asked to take a message or if I could help just thinking that maybe the daughter left something behind. She then yelled at me and said I have no say in her daughter's life or decision ability and put my husband on the phone. Again I said he's not here can I take a message. then she said yeah you can tell him he will never see my daughter again. My husband has called and emailed but she won't respond. So I have no idea what her so called reason is this time. i'm getting so tired of trying. How do you prusue being a part of his daughter's life when his ex makes it impossible. We have been willing to do whatever we need to make things work and have jumped though hoops for this woman, but she still does whatever she can to keep us out. What do you do when the other party is hellbent on keeping you out? it's just the same circle of events over and over. His ex freaks over something we try to appease her adventually she calms d and we have a visit then she freaks again. btw the last visit before this was boxing day. She hardly ever allows visits and we can't afford to go to court AGAIN to enfore parental rights to visitation
This is just the beginning of the story this woman is horrible. I have no idea is she has some sort of mental condition that causes her to be so crazy or if she is just nasty. we had to get a court order just so I could see my step-daughter and his ex refuses to talk to me. we have actually gotten emails telling my husband that I am not to speak to her not even say hi. what do you do when you are dealing with a mental case and she refuses my husband to have arole in their childs life?

OP posts:

worraliberty · 31/03/2011 18:34

It's difficult to say without hearing both sides of the story I'm afraid

GypsyMoth · 31/03/2011 18:35

Your husband got a court order so YOU could see the child???? you sure about that?

Original poster

schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 18:37

yeah but how can we see her if she won't let her daughter leave the house to come to ours. we can't really do a tug of war over the child and pull her out of her mother's house?

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 31/03/2011 18:38

the court order was NOT for you at all.....

worraliberty · 31/03/2011 18:39

It depends on her reasons really. As yet, you haven't said what any of them are...just that you think she's a 'mental case'.

It's not an easy one to answer I'm afraid.

Satireisbest · 31/03/2011 18:39

How often have you heard both sides of the story on MN?

I never have, doesn't seem to have stopped people giving their opinions before.

FabbyChic · 31/03/2011 18:41

I think you are going to have to step back and leave things for the next few weeks until she calms down, she clearly wants nothing to do with you so you are going to have to leave it to your partner to resolve.

Either via a solicitor or just talking to her.

I would suggest that any contact be undertaken in writing and sent signed for.

There is too much that can be made of telephone calls.

So long as the child knows her dad loves her and wants to see her, that is all you can do and hope that when she gets older she will make her own decision to see her dad.

Is he providing financially could that be causing any problems.?

FourFortyFour · 31/03/2011 18:41

Your husband needs to get himself a lawyer and go to court to get official access and keep a note of all the time his ex refuses access. She can't ignore a court order.

FabbyChic · 31/03/2011 18:42

Were you at all the other woman in this relationship?

Original poster

schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 18:42

well i could write a book if you like to know everything but i can't type that fast what do you need to know to make an opnion
she accused my husband of throwing the toy called 'jack and ball' at her when she showed up to pick up her stuff at 3 am with her new boyfriend he was not convicted of this so called assult but he had assulted a pregnant woman and that woman's 3 year old she also is a drug addict and had robbed a 76 year old man for his prescription meds

OP posts:

Original poster

schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 18:43

sorry should read she assult a pregnant woman

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 31/03/2011 18:44

you could give mr kyle a call,he could help i'm sure

you'll have to return to court for enforcement

Original poster

schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 18:45

what other woman in the relationship? she left my husband

OP posts:

worraliberty · 31/03/2011 18:47

I don't know. I'm going to back out now..I'm having trouble understanding your posts.

Good luck anyway

FabbyChic · 31/03/2011 18:47

She sounds possibly unhinged. I was wondering why she didn't like you at all.

I think you are going to have to resort to writing the child letters until such time as you can afford a solicitor to sort it out.

Original poster

schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 18:49

my husband pays his support always has even before court ordered. we have gone though court they do nothing. look at all the stuff she has been conviced of. the court just says well she's the mom and you have to figure it out between the 2 of you. I don't think i've been clear. she does this all the time we have gone back for enforcement 3 times and then she finds another reason to stop them again and not send her daughter. we have nearly gone bankrupt to pay the lawyers we can't do it anymore. she gets free legal aid and we don't so she can pull this crap and the govt will pay for her to have legal representation but then we have to come up with the money ourselves.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 31/03/2011 18:52

Then all you can do is sit back, try to make contact weekly and go from there, can your partner not have telephone conversations with his daughter? Let her know that he wants to see her but Mummy won't allow it.

GypsyMoth · 31/03/2011 18:52

you could self represent.....no need to spend money

Original poster

schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 18:54

I don't know why she doesn't like me. she has never once talked to me ohter than answering the phonme and passing it to my husband. when the judge ordered that I was to spend time with their daughter (yes we had to get a court order for it we were already married for 6 months) she ran out of the court house and locked herself in her car and reffused to meet me.

we email the daughter but how do we know she gets them it would be the same with writting a letter the woman is so vendictive that i wouldn't be suprised if she threw them out

OP posts:

Original poster

schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 18:57

she won't put their daughter on the phone when he calls plus it just invites his ex to yell at him when he calls. and we did self represent for 1 1/2 years of the 5 years we have spent in court but the judge did not like it and gave my husband a hard time. he found it very stressful

OP posts:

amberleaf · 31/03/2011 19:01

Im hazarding a guess that her hostility may have arisen from all this talk of we

Its your husbands child, i think you need to butt out...however i think its probably too late for that.

Why the hell would yiou go to court for you to get visitation rights to his daughter????

amberleaf · 31/03/2011 19:05

Why would you want to force a relationship woth your step child? which going to court to enforce it is doing?

No wonder the mother hates you.

Original poster

schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 19:05

well i'm the step mother and by me not being able to be included in visits then their daughter couldn't even come to our house. he would have to tale her out somewhere. hteir daughter couldn't even sleep over if i wasn't aloud in visits

OP posts:

Original poster

schnauzersrock · 31/03/2011 19:07

i had to get a court order to even meet the daughter she wouldn't let me meet her. but she has no problems introducing her boyfriends to the daughter how is that fair?

OP posts:

Seabright · 31/03/2011 19:13

Is there a member of her family that both she and your husband get on with who could act as a mediator/go-between. Also, while things are like this, maybe they could ensure letters get to his daughter?

If that doesn't work, I am assuming her school knows the situation, could he send letters (unsealed) to her at school, so her teacher could give them to her? That way she knows he's thinking of her and loves her and it will give her mother a chance to calm down.

I think for the sake of evryone involved you should take a back seat. Yes, support your husband and keep up your relationship with his daughter when her monther's not there. But just try and be less visable, IYSWIM, to keep the mother on a more even keel.

If she's genuinly a drug addict and has convictions for violent assults, are SS involved?

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