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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect our closest friends to sponsor my DH?

78 replies

Aworryingtrend · 31/03/2011 12:58

I've namechanged for this as the details might make me recognisable in RL.

DH is running the London Marathon in April to raise money for Tommy's, the baby charity. This is a cause close to our hearts as I had a very early MC last year and we've been TTC since then.

Our close friends (a couple) who we see fortnightly have not once asked how his training is going, or sponsored him. To put this in context they are both extremely well-paid and have 3 holidays planned for this year and eat out twice a week. I say this only because obviously if they had little money i would not expect them to sponsor him.

I may be a bit over-sensitive because last year I helped my friend (female half of couple) with a large project of hers, which took a lot of time on my behalf and did leave me out of pocket. I was happy to do it as that's what friends are for etc but I'm not seeing anything in return. I am so hurt that they have taken so little interest in DH doing this amazing thing and have not even spared a couple of pounds towards it. I think I would be more accepting if they actually said "Look these are the charities we donate to and for this reason we wont be sponsoring DH" but its just the way they are ignoring it thats got to me. the friendship is becomign a bit strained at the moment as a result as i feel it is all take and no give on their part.

AIBU to expect them to sponsor DH?
Would IBU to call them on it?

Your thoughts please.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aworryingtrend · 31/03/2011 12:58

Oh bollocks namechange didnt work

OP posts:

maGicGift · 31/03/2011 13:00

why cant you just ask them to sponser him?

Original poster

Aworryingtrend · 31/03/2011 13:01

Sorry, I ought to have made it clear in my OP, he has emailed them ina group email to all friends/family etc and the sponsorship form has been at home on the table when they have been round for dinner.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aworryingtrend · 31/03/2011 13:02

Group email was sent twice to everyone, sorry im not making it clear.

OP posts:

OTheHugeManatee · 31/03/2011 13:04

Sometimes people do need nudging. Can you ask them face to face? It's much harder to ignore than a group email.

And if they really don't want to I don't think it's fair to take offence - they're not obliged to sponsor your DH.

piprabbit · 31/03/2011 13:06

Get your DH to set up a justgiving account and email again to everyone (with apologies to those who have already sponsored him).

I find it much easier to just click and pay when I come across an email of facebook status from someone doing something that I feel I would like to support.

maGicGift · 31/03/2011 13:06

oh that sbad, they should have responded in some way... Im not sure what you should do, maybe leave it as they obviously dont want to contribute for some unknown reason, then after the marathon announce proudly to them over dinner (not email so you can see the reaction) how much DH raised and how much work he had put into training!!

Good luck to him btw

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 31/03/2011 13:08

Yes, people do need a nudge, esp when sponsoring is concerned. I am running the race for life in June in memory of my mum and of course I am asking friends to sponsor me. However, I have a lot of other friends also running in the same race and so I am understanding that if someone sponsors say A they are not gonna sponsor B and C as well.

They're good friend so just ask them if they will sponsor you - they will prob say of course they will, they have been meaning to get round to it....or they could say they have already sponsored someone else.

So, YANBU in asking them
but
YABU if you EXPECT them to sponsor you - it's not a neccessity to them!

bubblecoral · 31/03/2011 13:08

YWBU to call them on it. Presumably if they wanted to sponsor him, they would, and it is entirely up to them if they choose to or not. Choosing not to does not make them bad people.

I hat being asked to sponsor people for stuff, there always seems to be someone asking for money for race for life or some half marathon somewhere, and I don't appreciate being put in a position to either have to give money to a charity not of my choosing, or be made to feel mean and like an unsupportive friend if I say no. I give a huge amount of time and a smaller amount of money to the charities I care about, and I don't want to part with any more money because of someone elses choices.

Saying that though, for a close friend doing something as big as the London Marathon, I would probably be happy to support them.

It sounds like you have other issues in your friendship tbh, and this may just be something that is easier to pinpoint. Maybe it would be better to try and identify the other problem and deal with that instead.

LaWeasel · 31/03/2011 13:09

I'm sorry, but YABU.

Firstly they might just not have got round to it yet.

Secondly, I'm sorry for your loss but nobody is oblidged to donate to any charity they don't want to.

I don't donate to cancer research charities which I keep very much to myself as of course everyone has close links to people who have died from cancer (as have I) and I know that some people would find it shocking and difficult that I won't (I would and do donate to family support and hospice care).

lesley33 · 31/03/2011 13:09

Sounds as if, for whatever reason, they don't want to support this charity. So they are avoiding mentioning your husbands training and marathon as it will lead to obvious questions about asking them to sponsor him.

It is very difficult to know if they ABU without knowing why they don't want to sponsor him. For example, they could know someone had a bad experience with this charity and so not want to support it or feel that other charities are more deserving of support.

I understand why, but I think YABU - very slightly so. But only because you don't know why they don't want to support the charity. Not wanting to support a particular charity is not the same as not empathising over your MC.

tbh friends have raised money for charities I don't support or see as a priority - but to avoid upset I have sponsored them.

Also just because you supported them on a particular project, doesn't mean they have to support you over this. I think it does matter whether they are supportive friends generally and not takers, and if they are generally supportive, don't lose a friendship over this. Good friends can be hard to find.

Snuppeline · 31/03/2011 13:09

I must say I personally find it really difficult being asked to sponser other people's events all the time. In my office people send around email all the time but I much prefer choosing my own charities (and I speak as a monthly contributor to several and as a volunteer for a charity especially close to my heart). If I were asked to contribute to a close friend's run or activity I would only do so out of obligation to the person I know and would feel uncomfortable with it. Now if a friend asked if I would be part of a cheering crowd or have bucket to collect money for your chosen charity on the day I would say yes to that. But hey that's just me. I think you are ever so slightly U as you don't know your friends reasons.

Katisha · 31/03/2011 13:09

It's difficult but just because you can see how many holidays they are going on, it doesn't mean they are not giving to charity elsewhere.
For myself, I avoid sponsor forms as there are so many, and I have several direct debits going out to various charities - I very rarely respond to anything else.
But agree - if this is starting to affect your friendship then you should ask them outright.

Original poster

Aworryingtrend · 31/03/2011 13:10

Thanks all for your perspectives. The emails sent twice did have the link to the online sponsor form which as you say most people find easiest, just click and pay.

I suppose we have never actually said "Please can you sponsor DH" to their face, but when we met for dinner the other day we were discussing the marathon weekend, the plans for the weeknd, he mentionned how his trainign was going (even though they didnt really ask!) etc etc, so its just wierd that they didn't then say "oh yes we must sponsor you" or anything.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 31/03/2011 13:11

I'd ask them outright to sponsor him!

Say it jokingly, are you going to sponsor DH?

Portofino · 31/03/2011 13:11

They might have sponsored someone else. Every year I get send half a dozen or so requests for the Race of Life, and i can't afford to support all of them - and they too are good friends.

valiumredhead · 31/03/2011 13:11

If they were interested in how his training was going they would've asked. If they wanted to sponsor him they would've done so by now. It's not compulsory you know

AbsDuCroissant · 31/03/2011 13:14

Hm. If it was just a general email etc., they may have ignored it. Sounds rubbish but, I/people receive so many requests to sponsor people doing all kinds of stuff, I largely ignore

But, this if it is something so close to your heart and so important to you I would recommend talking to them and saying why. Honestly, all the time you get requests to sponsor people doing sky-dives/runs/cycling in Guatemala that the more genuine requests can get lost in the mass.

Original poster

Aworryingtrend · 31/03/2011 13:16

Sorry X-posted with the others. Agree Lesley it is almost like they want to avoid talking about it, thats the impresion we got the other night. As I said in my OP though I would feel musch better if I knew why, eg if they said we already give to XYZ charity I would understand, but at the moment perhaps IABU but it just seems a bit selfish. I do appreciate my psioition on this is skewed of course and i am prepared to be told IABU.

OP posts:

maGicGift · 31/03/2011 13:16

I think you ca take it then that for some reason they dont want to sponser him, its up to you now whether to approach them over this, which is maybe a little harsh, or leave it.

cazza40 · 31/03/2011 13:21

YABU It's up to them if they want to sponsor your DH. I have had so many people asking me in just the last month to sponsor them that I am a little fed up with it ! That doesn't include the amount of requests for one thing or another that I get from the kids school . I tend to stick to one charity and make donations to that each year. Give them a break !

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 31/03/2011 13:21

All my sponsors have been on line - I dont actually go to people and ask them.....they know I am doing it so totally their call if they sponsor me or not and I certainly dont get upset/fed up if they dont.

Good point about it being a charity they like to give to or not....at the moment I just give money to the cancer charities as that is what mum died of so if I see one of my aquaintancies doing something for another charity I prob wouldnt sponsor them

PheasantPlucker · 31/03/2011 13:21

It's fantastic that your dh is doing this for a charity so close to your hearts.

I suppose the problem is that just because a charity is one that one person supports, it doesn't mean it is a charity that another person wants to support financially. Harsh but true! So I think YABU to expect them to sponsor your dh.

Try not to let it affect the friendship though. And as others have said, they could be donating to any number of other charities. But ultimately how anyone spends their money is up to them.

Good luck to your dh, hope the run goes well for him.

GetOrfMoiLand · 31/03/2011 13:22

TBH I never sponsor anyone for anything - I have charities which I support and get a bit narked with emails coming round from people climbing Killimanjaro and wanting sponsorship.

Mind you I would make an exception for a very close friend who was personally affected by the causes which the charity supports.

Mind you, maybe they have not seen the email. Just ask them outright for sponsor money - second guessing what they are going to do is obviously upsetting you. It is probably best to get it out in the open tbh.

Honeybee79 · 31/03/2011 13:22

I think I would be tempted to ask them directly.

Their money, their choice. But I would be hurt too, to be honest.

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