to expect our closest friends to sponsor my DH?

[Aworryingtrend]

I've namechanged for this as the details might make me recognisable in RL.

DH is running the London Marathon in April to raise money for Tommy's, the baby charity. This is a cause close to our hearts as I had a very early MC last year and we've been TTC since then.

Our close friends (a couple) who we see fortnightly have not once asked how his training is going, or sponsored him. To put this in context they are both extremely well-paid and have 3 holidays planned for this year and eat out twice a week. I say this only because obviously if they had little money i would not expect them to sponsor him.

I may be a bit over-sensitive because last year I helped my friend (female half of couple) with a large project of hers, which took a lot of time on my behalf and did leave me out of pocket. I was happy to do it as that's what friends are for etc but I'm not seeing anything in return. I am so hurt that they have taken so little interest in DH doing this amazing thing and have not even spared a couple of pounds towards it. I think I would be more accepting if they actually said "Look these are the charities we donate to and for this reason we wont be sponsoring DH" but its just the way they are ignoring it thats got to me. the friendship is becomign a bit strained at the moment as a result as i feel it is all take and no give on their part.

AIBU to expect them to sponsor DH?
Would IBU to call them on it?

Your thoughts please.

I hate being expected to sponsor people. I get asked loads - all by 'close friends' I guess. I sponsor some, not all.

If anyone I'd not sponsored mentioned it I'd think it was INCREDIBLY odd quite frankly, so yes, I do think YABU.

Good luck to your H though - and I hope he raises lots of money.

Well I think YABU. They don't have to explain themselves to you. They have the right to choose what charities they support and how. I for example won't support any charities run by religious organisations. I also find it intensely irritating when I am guilted into sponsoring people for their chosen charities and have stopped doing it now. I just ignore the requests. I have my own charities that I donate to monthly and a couple more that I give generous donations to at Christmas and I don't think I need to support my friends charities on top of that.
It does seem that there are issues with the friendship and that this is the thing you are focusing on. If this is symptomatic of a wider inequality in the friendship then have that dicussion but don't make it about this one issue, as I think the arguement 'you are our friends and therefore should support our charities' is a weak one.
I am sorry for you loss.

I think YAB a bit U if you are just expecting them to sponsor him. I get a bit fed up with constant emails/posts on FB being asked to sponsor people. I can't afford it. And I do give to charity but at a time/place of my choice

I suppose, if I may also offer this personal point of view, that for me the tendency for people to go and do all sorts of "cool" things (activities and fun stuff) are done largely for their own benefit and the charity fundraising aspect is just a seal of approval. Obviously not the case for everyone just to make that clear! And I do recognise that these events are good to ensure continued support for charities buuuuut I do find their more about the high for the people involved than anything else. Perhaps I've had too many bad experiences and am a bit unfairly cynical. What I would do if I were you I would talk to your local postoffice/supermarket etc etc and pitch up on a saturday morning with a little stand and see if you can get people in the community to give of their own free will. You can also go around to neighbours and ask if they need something doing (spot of gardening etc) and they can give you a contribution to your dh event. Reciprocate and you will probably see more willingness to give.

Also just wondering if I'm right in thinking that taking part in the London Marathon costs quite a bit? And that the idea is that you get charity money to support the registration fee? So you've had to stump up a sizeable sum yourself already?

YABU. I hate being asked to sponsor people doing things for charity.

it's a difficult one without knowing their reasons
do they know about your miscarriage and the reasons why you want to support this charity? most people i know doing the marathon just do it for a charity to get a place, they are not actually that bothered about raising money beyond the minimum and the marathon is "for them" and not really about the charity. Maybe they donate a lot to charity already using more efficient tax ways so feel like they do their bit.
i wouldn't ask outright, i think you have to drop it now. just remember this next time they want something and maybe not be so generous with your time/money back.

I think YABU too just because of the expectation. I generally don't sponsor at all because it's such a tax inefficient way to give. We plan our giving around the charities we prioritise and give time and effort so some others. Spontaneous giving I tend to confine to things which can't have tax reclaimed, so individuals in particular need or big issue or whatever. And as others have mentioned, there are lots of sponsorship requests. I find it easier to just say no to them all on this principle than say yes to a few and then find it awkward with others.

No one is obliged to sponsor him or give any reasons for it. I have previously not sponsored people because they are doing something that isn't really a challenge for them (eg 10k run when they do that routinely) or its a charity that I don't support.

hmm, I tend not to sponsor people for runs and expeditions too - I give to charities that I choose - I don't like being told how to be generous, and I don't like justifying myself either, as to why I am not sponsoring someone. I've spent a lot of time professionally and personally with chairies and don't always feel comfortable giving to them all, but at the same time, don't want to rain on someones parade, so I just keep quiet.

I do tend to think someone should be able to just give to a charity without running a marathon first.

It may be for selfish reasons that they are not giving money, but it may not - you don't know. For example, I contacted 1 charity for help over a health issue. TBH I was shocked at how rubbish they were.

I rang their supposedly nurse staffed helpline a number of times no answer and when finally someone answered I was told that there was nobody who could answer my questions but they would send out some leaflets - never arrived. So I rang the contact for the local support group a number of times leaving messages on an answerphone - nobody ever got back.

Then someone rang from the charity asking for a donation - I said no. And if a friend asked me to sponsor this charity I would be very very reluctant to. But I also wouldn't feel okay telling you that IME they were rubbish. So as I am a coward I would avoid the subject.

So they may be being selfish or they may not want to sponsor your husband for very good reasons.

Yes, the ethical nature of the london marathon is extremely doubtful, unless he was lucky enough to get a random ticket?

Thanks all for your views. It seems AIBU so I will take it on the chin! You've certainly given me food for thought. Regarding in/equality within the friendship its a bit chicken and egg I think- has the fact that things are unequal made me unduly upset over this, or has the fact that they haven't sponsosred/asked about the marathon made me 'look' and find things are unequal IYSWIM?

Snuppeline I must say that DH is hardly doing this for enjoyment or as a 'cool' thing. He spends 8-10 hours a week running. His feet are covered in blisters. his knees are shot. I barely see him at weekends because of it. YES it is absolutely his choice to do it and no-one has forced him to do it, he simply wants to do this to raise awareness and money for pregancy loss. But I do object to the notion that its being done for 'his benefit'.

YABU, if they wanted to sponsor him then they would have done by now and you will only make them uncomfortable leaving the sponsor form laying around when they are there or asking them directly. What will you do if you ask and then don't like their response? If they don't think your charity choice is particularly worthwhile in their eyes then think how hurt that will make you feel.

I know this is a huge achievement for your husband and a charity that means a lot to you but in reality there are lots of people who do these events and you can't sponsor them all. Gomez generally does one at least once a year but only asked for sponsorship the first time as we think it's unfair but he has a Just Giving page on facebook where people can sponsor without pressure.

I think you just have to accept that it's not such a big deal to other people as it is to you.

He was very lucky and did get in via the ballot, we have donated a large sum ourselves to the charity though of course through his online page.

I'm sorry but I think your emotions towards the cause (which are very justified but not necessarily something others will understand) have clouded your judgement of your friends. They may have forgotten, they may not want to sponsor this charity, they may have already sponsored 10 people this year and made a pact not to sponsor more. Inviting sponsorship is exactly that, an invitation, not a command.

I don't mean this in a nasty way, as I really feel for you, it would be such a shame to ruin a nice friendship over something which I do think you are being unreasonable about. I have a friend who runs the marathon for the disease a close relative died from, sometimes I sponsor him, sometimes I don't. It doesn't say anything about the quality of our friendship and I would be very upset if he thought so.

Well, for starters, hearing about marathon training is pretty boring for any non-runner I am speaking as a runner myself, about 30 seconds is the most anyone who doesn't run can stand before their eyes glaze over

Also, the whole Charity place thing with the VLM where people get a place through the charity and have to raise a certain amount can put some people off. I'm running London, having been lucky enough to get a place through the ballot and have made that very clear on my sponsorship page.

I don't have to run for charity but having survived cancer myself and watched my MIL and FIL die from the disease I decided I might be able to raise a bit of money for a cancer charity. And yes, we have donated ourselves!

At the end of the day, everyone has different charities they support for their own personal reasons and may not want or feel financially able to give.

YABU

It is your husbands project. Not theirs. I get asked all the time to sponsor people sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. I can't support everyone despite having a well paid job.

I would also get cross with someone in my social circle who e.mailed me twice about the same thing. That is just rude.

Yes I think you have to look at it like onetoomanycornettos says.
You shouldn't go round thinking more or less of people because they do or don't sponsor you for stuff.

Yabu

I get loads of requests to sponsor people.

It gets a bit much at times tbh.

No-one runs a marathon unless they want to do it and get some pleasure out of the challenge IMO Aworryingtrend

I have loved the training, even the really painful long runs, most marathon runners will say the same.

I agree with onetomanycornettos.

You have your very specific reason for donating to this charity (sorry for your loss). Donating to charity is a personal choice. It is YOUR choice. You cannot at the same time expect other people to support the same charity, and on top of it, part with money to it.

I dont like the "sponsorship mentality". It says "I want to support this charity. I want to run a marathon/bunge jump/parachute jump etc, now YOU pay me to do it."

So what that your husband is in training? So what that it is a big thing, why should your friends pay?

I am not surprised things are getting a little strained. I bet they cant wait for it all to be over and they can be "safe" around you again. Sorry if that is harsh, but I think it would be absolutely AWFUL if my friends were to pester me for sponsorship money. It is the charity of YOUR choice, so YOU pay or volunteer, or whatever you do, it is nothing to do with your mates.

Personally, I volunteer in the church, I am also involved in voluntary work for the parish newsletter, has been for years. I also donate to red cross. dh gives up his free time to be part of the mountain rescue team. he also spends several hours a month teaching computer skills to senior citizens. I think that is doing a lot of good. But your husband running a marathon, which he is doing FOR HIMSELF, and co-incidentally it raises some money that friends are badgered into giving, that is a different matter alltogether. It is a smug middle class "I set myself my own personal challenge that benefits nobody but me, and if you PAY money, it will benefit others."

Sorry, as you can see, I am SICK of being asked to sponsor this that and the other because somebody is going to walk a pram in the park, and I pay, or somebody will carry a milkbottle across richmond park, and I pay, or swim 2 yards off the coast of Brighton, or something.

I've just sponsored DD's TA for race-for-life I hope the girls at work don't think less of me for not sponsoring them.

I don't doubt you or your husbands reasons, which clearly are very personal to you, for wanting to do the Marathon at all.

I was only trying to tell you that not all people do it for very sound reasons but rather do it for cred among their friends or work colleages etc. Or to put on their CV under "hobbies". For some its a way to up their game at work or to "tick a box" on the life experience list. But that's my experience of perhaps less mature people than you and your dh are.

Personally I like the more subtle approach to supporting charities, i.e. giving of your time and money in private. I understand that fundraising events are useful for raising awareness though and don't on any count discredit your efforts in that respect. In the post you were referring to I was merely pointing out the fact that not everyone who do these fundraising activities do them for unselfish reasons and that may contribute to a lack of enthusiasm on the part of your friends. As I understand you and your dh are genuine I also offered some suggestions for what you can do to raise more money and awareness in your local community. You didn't address that though nor did you address my question about the cost of the Marathon. Anyway, good luck with it all!

Ah QuintessentialShadows you said it so much better than me!

I'd ask. You can ask pleasantly as in "I really don't mind, but out of interest, why aren't you sponsoring dh?"

Horrid to have unspokens in friendships.